September Writing Challenge 2021

For the fourth year in a row, I'm gearing up to do a September writing challenge. 

Here's how it works. I make a list of 35 prompts, and then I write (almost) everyday using one of those prompts. I have always really enjoyed doing this, so here I go again! Here is the list of prompts I'll be using for this year:

1. Ta Da
2. Anniversary
3. Purpose
4. Miles
5. List
6. 9:15
7. Menu
8. Lyrics
9. Frozen
10. Play
11. Try It
12. Alphabet
13. Throwback
14. Reading
15. Thrifty
16. More or Less
17. Animal
18. Quiet
19. Goals
20. Learning
21. Pause
22. Place
23. Inspired
24. Weakness
25. Unexpected
26. Clean
27. No Words
28. Today
29. Journey
30. What The?!?
31. Text
32. Phase
33. Currently
34. Love It!
35. Mood

Even though there are only 30 days in September, I like to have 35 prompts to choose from because I end up needing the freedom to pass on some. I also don't follow them in order. As always, anyone is welcome to use this list and do your own thing. Just make sure to let me know so I can follow along!

Here are the links to challenges I've done in the past:

2018 (this year I used someone else's list)

2019

2020

Garbage Cans, Fruit, Toast, and Sunflowers

I've been amazingly productive this week. I don't mean to brag or anything, but wow! I have gotten so much done. I feel like this burst of energy could disappear at any moment, so I'm going to milk it for all it's worth. 

Do you wanna know what I did just five minutes ago?

I washed my outside garbage cans. 

When my life is such that I can actually bring myself to wash out my garbage cans, you know something is different. There's some extra motivation coming from somewhere. 

Again... I will milk it. 

But washing garbage cans definitely deserves a blogging break. So here I sit on my couch with a cup of ice water and my laptop, blogging away. 

Let's talk more about those garbage cans though (totally blog worthy).

They stank. Which is nothing abnormal for outside garbage cans, but let me emphasize the stank. On Monday, I was working in the garden, and mayyyybeee I had a wheelbarrow full of rotten tomatoes and corn stalks that had collected some rainwater. And mayyybeee it smelled so retched I started dry heaving. And mayyybeee I dumped the water out on the ground, and it stank so bad I could smell it from the front yard while it dried out. And mayyybeee I had to put the corn stalks and tomatoes in my garbage can and let it sit for four days before the garbage service came.

If that were so, it might be possible that when I went to bring the cans in, I almost tossed my cookies. 

So, there you have it. 

The garbage cans are currently upside-down on my lawn until I'm done with this post, and then I'll go turn them right-side up for a good sun soaking. 

In other news of productivity, I've done a bit more canning this week. Yesterday I picked three quarts of raspberries (it took about an hour), and I was able to make nine 8oz jars and nine 4oz jars of jam. Then I went and picked almost 50 pounds of peaches and canned seven quarts. 

Quick peach math: one quart of peaches takes about 2-3 pounds of peaches. I always plan on three pounds because there are always some peaches that end up too damaged to use. So I still have 20-25 pounds of peaches left to do something with today. I think I'm going to freeze them. I'm remembering now that canning peaches is actually pretty horrible work.

Mama B asked the other day where I got my canning supplies since they are hard to come by right now. I had some lids I bought last year before canning season. I wanted to have some on-hand just in case I wanted to do some canning, so I purchased them while they were still in stock. A few weeks later, the world was fighting for canning supplies. I didn't use those lids last year, so I still had them. But then I needed more regular mouth lids and haven't been able to find any, but I did find some jars, so I bought jars even though I didn't need jars just so I could have the lids that they come with. Amazon has lots of off-brand lids, but I don't trust them. 

In other news... here's how Zoe eats toast:

She massacres it. Charming, right?

I'm a bit obsessed with the sunflowers in my yard, and I take pictures of them almost every day. 

I did the same thing last year. 

The individual flowers are so beautiful. But if you stand in front of my house and look at them collectively, they are a hot mess. They are growing all sorts of strange directions. I planted them in the shade this year, never expecting them to actually grow, but they did! And since they are trying to find the sun, they have grown at an angle, and they just look ridiculous! They're kind of like my children - awkward and a bit weird, but I love them with abundance!

Okay, my friends, I'm off to turn my garbage cans. Please bless they are significantly less stinky. 

The Back to School Report

My kids have been back to school for a week now. Last week was really crazy and frankly, kind of hard. It's an adjustment to get back to the school routine. Nicky started high school, so I worried about him all day Monday. Eva started first grade, so she's in full-day school for the first time, and I worried about her too. I forgot that getting kids off to school in the morning is exhausting, and picking them up in the afternoon and getting them to where they need to be for extracurricular activities is exhausting. 

The kids' emotions are always haywire the first week of school. They are tired, hangry, and overstimulated. My two kids with the highest anxiety feel sick all the time. Zoe felt too sick to go to school on Thursday, so she stayed home, but then after she watched two hours of TV and never threw up like she claimed she was going to, I escorted her to campus.

Eva has been throwing hour-long tantrums each night at bedtime. This isn't actually related to going back to school - she was already doing this long before - but now that we need to be more diligent about going to bed in a timely fashion, it's a bit more difficult to deal with. Scotty and I just lay on our bed and stare at the ceiling while she thrashes and wails. We have nothing left. She also refuses to brush her teeth. She's not our first kid to do this, but it's harder this go round because we feel like we're too old to be dealing with teeth-brushing battles. No wonder the youngest kids in families have a bad rap. Parents are just d-o-n-e by the time they get to the last kid.

Daisy comes in our room several times a night with various ailments. She can’t sleep. Her teeth hurt. She heard a weird noise. She’s dehydrated. She had a bad dream. It takes everything I have to be patient with her during these moments. I want her to feel safe coming to us with her problems, but I'm sick of these particular problems. 

I can't figure Nicky out after the first week of school. I can't tell if he's happy and thriving or if he's depressed and struggling. I see signs of all of the above. And of course, teenagerhood is a rollercoaster with ups and downs, so I don't want to miss something big. I'm not sure what I need to worry about with him.

Now that we’re in the second week of school, I anticipate things will get a little better. 

People have been asking me what I'm doing with all my free time. I'm so behind on everything after a survival mode summer that most of my time has been spent just trying to get basic household tasks under control. 

I wondered if I should go get a job now that all my kids are in school. Money is getting tighter as costs increase and as my kids get involved in more extracurricular activities. Going back to work would definitely help in that regard, but I've prayed about it, and it doesn't feel right. So for now I'm going to continue staying home. I feel very spoiled in even having the option, but I've also worked really hard and made sacrifices to make it possible. Either way, though, working or not working, there are sacrifices. 

In the weeks leading up to school, I kept thinking of things I wanted to do when the kids went back. So far I haven't been able to tackle much of the list, but I did cross one thing off! I made jam!

It's raspberry season, so I've been trying to keep up on picking raspberries at my in-laws'. Stormy weather got in the way a bit, but one day last week I was able to go pick two quarts of raspberries. On Saturday I asked Scotty if he would keep the kids busy so I could make jam. I used to do a lot of canning, but after I went back to school I gave it up for a while. The last time I canned anything was in 2014! 

I have to relearn some of the processes, but it's coming back! I don't think I'll ever can at the level I used to (partially because I no longer have a produce farm to hook me up). But I'll do a little here and there if the circumstances allow. 

Yesterday I was able to can some peaches - which wasn't on my back to school list, but maybe I'll retroactively add it so I can feel accomplished. 

That was the first time I've canned anything without children underfoot. I have to say... it was delightful! I put my earbuds in with an audiobook and dove right in! I only got 5 quarts, but I'm happy about them! Our peach tree died, and we had to take it out last year, so I'm grateful to a friend who offered me a box of peaches from her yard. 

I realized last week that I spend a lot of time doing food related tasks during the day. I usually prep dinner so it's easy to handle after school. I prep some sort of snack to take school pick-up to prevent hangry meltdowns and fights (you'd think my kids could last ten minutes without a snack, but no. They can't). I've been freezing vegetables, baking things like muffins and zucchini bread to put in the freezer, and of course, canning raspberries and peaches. 

No matter what I do during the day, though, I feel like it's never as much as I need to do. I look around my house and see my dusty blinds and the crumbs on the floor, and I just sigh. Then I sit down and write a blog post because that's easier than cleaning blinds and sweeping. 

Anyway, school has been a bit of a difficult adjustment for everyone, but I'm not exactly sad about it. 

Message A and Message B and What I Do About It

There's a contradiction I experience a lot as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It comes between Message A): "You are doing great. Work at your own pace. The Lord will meet you where you are, etc..." and Message B): "Do better NOW. Be better NOW. Here are 50 ways you don't quite measure up..." Frankly, it stresses me out, and I wonder why we are given Message A and Message B simultaneously (hello, General Conference!) Am I supposed to keep doing what I'm doing, or do I need to assess everything I do and rise up to high expectations that I feel are beyond my current abilities? It's overwhelming, and sometimes it makes me feel like I'll never be good enough. 

There's a lot of commentary about this especially in regards to its affect on mental health. A while ago, I decided to take it to the Lord and ask for better understanding on my part. I asked for help discerning these messages and knowing how to apply them in my life without getting overwhelmed or upset by them, and I received an impression that I want to always remember: 

Each talk, each plea, and each message that comes from a Church leader who is influenced by the Spirit has the potential to invoke change in someone for the better. Maybe that talk on family history (or whatever topic it be) that completely burdened me and made me feel like I'll never be able to "do it all" is the very talk, that upon reaching the ears of ten struggling individuals, changed their lives forever! Or maybe those words were exactly what ONE person needed. Shouldn't it, then, be spoken? Even if it's not the "perfect" message for me? Would I expect a Church leader to not say something that can change or influence someone else just because I'm not in the right place to hear it?

Therefore, we receive all kinds of messages, all kinds of influence, all kinds of words and encouragement in different areas from our Church leaders because we are all changed and influenced in different ways. The message I struggle to hear might be the very message that penetrated the heart of another. And maybe that person will follow that counsel and do that thing that I find hard, and they'll be all the better for it. Perhaps the message I struggle with is the message that brings someone else to Christ, and when I acknowledge that, I have more mercy in regards to the messages that feel harsh to me personally. 

Several years ago I started recognizing the difference between inspiration and guilt. Now, maybe "guilt" isn't the right word choice, but over the years, I haven't come up with something better, so let me explain what I mean. In some aspects, "guilt" is considered a positive thing because it can move people toward change (namely, repentance). But in the context I am using, "guilt" is a feeling of needing to "be as good as" someone else says we should or to "live up to" a standard that we're not quite ready to achieve. There may even be an edge of competitiveness involved. I confess, there have been times where I've chosen another person by which to measure myself. Someone to be better than. This guilt feels heavy and doesn't necessarily stem from the right place. I have learned that if I act on "guilt," my motives are not pure, and I don't really succeed. If I respond to inspiration, however, I have great results. When I feel inspired, I am ready to take action, and the results are usually far more impactful and long-lasting. Inspiration feels light and comes with a special kind of energy. It's also accompanied with increased love for others. Since making this realization, I've often paused and asked myself, "Am I acting out of guilt or inspiration?" 

Now let me clarify one thing. I am not suggesting that the deliverer of the message is to credit for my feeling guilt. Whether I feel guilt or inspiration stems from me and where my heart is. Yes, there are leaders who err in what they say, but my relationship with the Spirit is the tool by which I can discern that, and for the most part, I believe our Church leaders' primary intention is to buoy us up and bring us closer to the Savior. 

Rather than being critical of messages that make me feel "guilty," I try to just set them aside for a time (revisiting them later might bring about a completely different result) and focus on the messages that I find immediately inspiring. This has been an important lesson for me personally because it has helped me to Hear Him more effectively. It has also helped me to do more preparation to receive messages from my Church leaders so that I can feel more inspired and less guilty. 

Now what is this thing I'm doing where I get all spiritual for two post in a row? It's just where my mind and heart are right now. With my kids going back to school, I've been able to spend more time studying and learning and seeking the Spirit, and it has been a balm to my soul. If you survived this post, like you did the last one, you definitely deserve another cookie!

Read This Post, Earn a Cookie

There's a topic I've been wanting to write about for a few years, but whenever I start imagining the post I might create on the subject, I get a little overwhelmed and shut it down. It's nothing controversial or crazy, it's just something I'm still processing and learning about, and I don't know if I can write about it in a way that matches my passion for it. Today, I'll try... we'll see what happens. 

I can already tell you that this post is going to be long. I hope you'll stick it out. Everyone who endures to the end gets a cookie (unfortunately you'll have to go out and find the cookie yourself, but I assure you, you'll have earned it!)

And here we go...

The topic is an aspect of self-esteem called perceived mattering.

This idea of "perceived mattering" is something I stumbled across while I was studying and researching for my practicum. It's a simple idea, really, and exactly what it sounds like - perceiving that you matter, or understanding that you are important. 

Sociologist Morris Rosenberg outlined two types of perceived mattering: societal and interpersonal.

Societal means that you recognize your importance in your social circle. This can be in your community, your church, your extended family, your group of friends, etc. When you experience perceived mattering at a societal level, you know that your actions can impact groups of people. 

Interpersonal means that you acknowledge the difference you make in the lives of individuals like your teacher, your parent, your best friend, or your child. When you experience perceived mattering at an interpersonal level, you know that your actions have a one on one impact for specific people.

The level at which we perceive that we matter has a great affect on our happiness and well-being. The key to this construct is the perceiving. We all know the platitudes... You matter! You make a difference! You belong! We can repeat those things day in and day out, but if we don't perceive it... feel it... believe it... they're just words. 

I think about perceived mattering a lot from a gospel perspective. The teaching that immediately comes to mind is, "I am a child of God." It's one of the first things we teach children in my Church - that they are loved and cherished by a supreme being, and that they are, in fact, His children. 

This can be such an abstract idea. Sometimes, I, myself, have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Am I truly a child of God? Do I fully believe this teaching and put my utmost faith in it? If I am a child of God, what does that mean for my life? What role does His love play in my daily actions?

In terms of perceived mattering, this is a doctrine that, when truly believed and understood, can have such a great impact on the choices we make, the way we handle difficulties, and the happiness we experience. 

(Just a quick side note, when I talk about happiness - the topic of the practicum I mentioned above - the definition I use comes from sociologist, Ruut Veenhoven, as the "overall appreciation for life as a whole," or "the degree to which an individual judges his or her life as a whole favorably." I like this definition because it makes happiness and joy interchangeable and it allows room for us to experience happiness even through hardship. Happiness does not result from a life without trials but from a life wherein we can experience and endure difficult things and still feel an appreciation for our existence. Also, I love the idea that happiness is a form of gratitude).

(You’re glazing over. I can tell. Come back to me. Remember the cookies!)

To know that you are a child of God is to know that you matter. I often ponder how I can improve my relationship with God the Father so that I can better understand my own capacities as His child. Surely, if I am His child, there are Godlike traits within me yet untapped. Surely that means something. Surely, among billions of human beings, I have some significance. Some purpose. 

As a member of a large Church community (or any group), it can be easy to feel lost or unimportant. Some of that is due to fighting private battles. Some of it is due to comparing ourselves to others. A lot of it is due to misconceptions and misunderstandings. Most of it is a direct result of the adversary. How does Satan want you to feel? Like you don't matter! 

I love this quote from Sharon Eubank, "...consider this: You have no idea the power you yourself have over the tone and example of your own ward.” 

Sometimes we sit around and wait for other people to help us feel like we matter. What happens when we take upon ourselves the first step? What if I, in experiencing my own feelings of worthlessness, sought to reestablish my own perceived mattering by telling someone else how they matter? This might best be done by acknowledging an individual by name and telling them something very specific that I have seen them do and how I feel it makes a difference. What can I do in my calling and in my ministering to enhance the perceived mattering of those I serve? One thing I've noticed about the way we serve in my Church is that there is a cyclical effect in helping one another recognize our worth. I serve others because they matter, but I also serve others because I matter. 

Let me tell you a story that always makes me emotional.

(Cookie!)

When I first moved into my ward, there was a lady in Relief Society who was just a bundle of fun! She was probably in her upper 40's at the time. She seemed a happy, confident individual with her life in order - a great influence on the women of the ward and a pleasant person to be around. She gave comments in class that were thoughtful but also made us laugh, and I remember thinking how much I liked her!

One day in sacrament meeting, this woman was writing something in a notebook. I could see the page from where I was sitting, and I was completely taken aback as I read the phrase, "I'm a loser" written over and over, line after line. 

It completely broke my heart. What was going through this amazing woman's mind and heart that made her believe that? It didn't match what I thought of her, and it didn't match the way she presented herself in a crowd. I wanted her to know that she wasn't a loser; however, I could hardly walk over to her in a Church meeting and confess that I'd seen what she wrote - that would have only embarrassed her - but I felt such a strong urge to let her know that she mattered. 

Since then, I’ve reflected frequently on that experience, and I have tried to remember that I can never fully know what a person is feeling or believing about themselves. We can so easily look around and think everyone else has it all together... everyone else is doing more... being more... doing better... being better... and yet, the woman with the friendly smile who appears totally social and confident might be the very woman who is hurting inside, feeling like she doesn't matter. There could be a room full of people feeling the exact same way, but we wouldn't necessarily know it. 

It makes me realize that I matter because I can be the very source of helping someone else understand that they matter. I confess, there are a lot of people out there that I don't particularly like, but if I saw them writing, "I'm a loser" in a notebook over and over, it would break my heart and make me want to immediately repent and do anything I can to correct their thinking. I know I have not always been great at helping others feel good about themselves. In fact, I have intentionally made people feel bad throughout my entire life, and it's something I am forever working on, which is, in part, why I've been needing to write this post. It’s been impressed upon my heart over these past few years just how important it is for each of us to perceive that we matter. 

Thank you so much for sticking with me today! Do you know how much you matter to me? It's true. You being a reader here makes a difference in my life. You make me feel like I matter! Let's keep this cycle going. 

Alright, you made it. Go get yourself that cookie! 

What Dreams are Made Of

One way that Scotty and I are very different is in the way we dream. I'm a very vivid dreamer - I have dreams every time I sleep. My mind bounces from subject to subject, sometimes convincing me that I’m a closet genius while other times making me believe I’m utterly insane. Scotty rarely dreams, so when he does have a dream, he's usually a little weirded out by it. 

Just last night I dreamed that I had to kill a batch of Ramen that was coming alive, so I was grabbing handfuls of noodles and shoving them in the garbage disposal to grind them up. And then, just to ensure their demise, I poured bleach into the disposal and let it run for hours. Then I ran out of bleach so I went to Walmart, and I was wearing a really long sweater that dragged on the ground, but it made me look really skinny, so I kept checking out my reflection in the store windows. Then I realized I’d accidentally driven two cars to the store, so I wandered around trying to find someone I knew to see if they could drive one of my cars home. I ran into Jill from my ward, who is a school teacher, and she asked me to participate in a walk out with all the teachers on Sunday at 9:00. I didn't want to join because I didn't know the cause. Then suddenly I was in singing time at church, and I had a new Apple watch, but I had no idea how to use it, and it kept making noise, and every kid in primary was claiming to be an Apple watch expert, so we wasted the entire singing time fiddling with my watch, and none of the kids actually knew a dang thing. Then the Ward Critics went and told the bishop that they didn't approve of me letting the kids use my Apple watch during singing time, so he called me in and told me that if I let the kids use my Apple watch in primary, I need to download a Ninja Turtle game on my watch for them to play.

And that, my friends, is a typical account of my night life. A lot goes on in this brain of mine while I sleep.

Since I dream all the time, I have a lot of recurring dreams:

1. My teeth are falling out

I always dream about losing my teeth. Sometimes they are loose, and I'm trying everything I can to keep them from coming out. Other times they break apart or crumble in my mouth.

2. I'm back in high school

I have pretty standard high school dreams. I can't remember my locker combination or my schedule. It's the end of the semester, and there's a class I've never been to. I'm on stage with the dance team, and I don't know the choreography. I know that I'm old, and I know that I've already graduated, so I can't figured out why I'm there!

3. I'm at my grandma's house

I dream about both my grandmas' houses all the time. Sometimes I own the house. Sometimes the dream just takes place there. My grandmas’ houses are very prominent settings for me - my dreams take place as often in their houses as they do in my own!

4. I can't get anything clean

I always dream that I'm trying to clean something, and I can't ever get it clean. I'm picking up toys, but no matter how many toys I pick up, the work never ends. Everything is getting messy all around me as I try frantically to get things under control. 

5. I'm dating

I start dating someone, and things are going really well, and I really like the person, but all of a sudden I remember that I'm married. In these dreams, I'm truly in love with Scotty, I just somehow forgot about him long enough to accidentally begin another relationship. Then I’m torn and don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose Scotty, but I’m also really digging the excitement of my new relationship.

6. Scotty and I never got married

This dream I find very fascinating because in this one, Scotty and I never got married. We live together and have kids as we do now; we just never had a wedding - everyone assumes we did. And it's just a funny, little secret that we keep. Sometimes we decide to get married. Sometimes we decide to tell people, like our bishop, “Hey, we never actually got married!” 

7. Running and going nowhere

I have a lot of dreams where I'm trying to run, but I'm not going anywhere. My legs are completely fatigued to the point where I can barely move them, and after all my efforts, I just can't move forward. 

8. I have a new house

In this one, I have a new house, and it always has some great features - like a really big family room, or a terrific yard, or a spare bedroom! Then suddenly I remember that we never sold our old house, and I think of everything we need to do to get it ready to sell. I get completely overwhelmed and realize I can't have the new house because I can't sell the old house. 

9. My step-dad comes back

At least once or twice a month I dream that my mom's ex-husband comes back into our lives. He shows up at my house, or I go over to my mom's house, and he's living there. I tell her over and over that she can't let him come back. I refuse to talk to him or go near him, but I can't get him to go away. 

10. I can't find anywhere private to go to the bathroom

In this dream, I'm trying so hard to go to the bathroom, but anywhere I go, people walk in on me. None of the bathroom doors lock. Sometimes I'm trying to pee in weird places - like in the woods, in a garbage can, or down a drain. I always get caught. 

I'm not a huge believer in dream interpretation (for the most part I think dream analysis is just the barnum effect), but I definitely believe that our joys and our worries manifest themselves in our dreams. Scotty isn't much of a worrier, and he doesn't get stressed very often. So perhaps that contributes to his quiet mind at night. Or maybe he just has really screwy sleep cycles. He may not worry much in his conscious state, but he is always always tired. 

How about you? Are you a dreamer? Do you share any of my recurring dreams?

One Year Older and Wiser, Too!

Today marks 143 years since primary, the children's organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, was organized. Sister Camille N. Johnson, General President of the primary, asked on social media today, "What's something you love about primary?" I thought about this for a while and wanted to leave a comment, but I couldn't really consolidate my thoughts into a small Facebook remark, so I decided to write a blog post about primary instead. 

First, let's start with my own history of primary participation. My “primary resume,” if you will. 

I attended primary as a young child, but then from age 6-12, my attendance was minimal. I started becoming active in the Church again when I was 14 and out of primary.

Right after Scotty and I got married (I was 19), we were called to be primary teachers, but not in the same class. I hated the calling with a passion! I was so miserable. We only served in primary for about three months before we decided on a whim to move. 

When I was 27, Scotty and I subbed in nursery (the primary class for children ages 18 mos - three years). We were just covering while they found new nursery leaders, but everyone just kind of forgot that we weren't actually the nursery leaders, and they left us there for six months. We didn't mind. During that time, I was serving in a stake calling, and I knew I was going to be released soon. One day at church, I was watching a little boy in sacrament meeting, and he was being a little naughty. He had a stream of gooey green boogers trailing from his nose to his mouth, which he kept sticking his tongue in. Instead of being totally grossed out, I watched this little guy and felt an overwhelming sense of love toward him, and I thought, "By golly! I'm going to primary!"

I ended up being called as the second counselor in the primary. A few months later, our presidency was reorganized, and I was called to be the first counselor to the new president. One year later, I was called to be the president. I am always thankful to the Lord that He allowed me these baby steps toward being the president rather than just throwing me to the wolves. I served as primary president for just over two years.

During my time in the presidency (as a counselor and as president) I had two babies - Zoe and Eva. Zoe has been in primary her whole life. She was raised in the back of the primary room until she was old enough to go to nursery. Scotty was a primary teacher, so we tag teamed with Zoe. Then I was released shortly after Eva was born. 

A while later, Scotty and I subbed in a primary class of four-year-olds for a few months. 

My most recent primary gig is my current calling as primary music leader, where I have been serving for just over three years. Each Sunday, I present a twenty minute "singing time" to the kids ages 3-11, and then I do a ten minute singing session with the nursery. I wasn't thrilled about this opportunity when it first came, but now I love it!

And that is a quick run-down of my involvement in primary!

Primary is currently where my heart resides because that is where I’m serving. It's a challenge to work with children, but it's also a great joy. Phases of life have a lot to do with it. Sometimes, as a mother, primary is the easiest place to serve. Other times, it's the hardest. When I was called to be the music leader, I hadn't yet recovered from being the president, and the thought of having to be with my kids through three hours of church was painful. Luckily, the big move to two-hour church happened after my first year as music leader. It has been such a positive change (although I was opposed to it initially). 

While I was wrestling with my hesitancy to serve as primary music leader, I felt a promise from the Spirit that I would be immensely blessed if I would serve in this calling - specifically that I would have an increased musical ability. I have found this to be true. Not only have I been blessed with musical talents I didn’t previously have, I have also been blessed with increased patience and creativity. Just last week these blessings were manifested while the kids were having a bit of a rough week, and I found myself feeling very calm and capable of handling it. I didn’t get annoyed or frustrated, as is my nature. 

One of the joys of serving in primary is that the kids will amaze you, surprise you, and have you cracking up. Here are a few of my favorite primary happenings:

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Back when we still did “sharing time” (a short gospel-centered lesson), the teacher asked “How to you get to heaven?” A child raised her hand and said, matter-of-factly, “You die.”

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That same teacher once asked, “What happens when we hide our light under a bushel?” A kid responded, “The bushel catches on fire!”

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On the 4th of July, a member of the bishopric came to primary and asked, “What do you love about the 4th of July?”

The answers included:

“Fireworks.”

“Fireworks that go up in the sky.”

“Fireworks that spin on the ground.”

“Staying up late to watch fireworks.”

I hope he wasn’t expecting any answers beyond fireworks!

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A few weeks ago we were going to sing “Do as I’m Doing,” and I invited a child to the front of the room to choose what action we would do. He suddenly folded over into a backbend. 

We did not “do as he was doing,” but I respect his efforts!

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A little six-year-old boy was getting new church shoes from Amazon, and he was counting down the days til they were delivered. He told me three times that week how many days were left until he got his new church shoes. Then on the day he finally got to wear his church shoes, he walked into the chapel beaming from ear to ear, then stuck his foot out and circled his ankle to show me his flashy kicks. Then he wanted to show everyone in primary, so I let him come to the front of the room to show off his new shoes.

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A few weeks ago I held up a picture of Joseph Smith and asked the kids if they could tell me who it was. “The Greatest Showman” was their answer. Pretty sure that’s what they said last year, too.

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One little guy I refer to as my “heckler.” He’s always hollering at me during singing time, “WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO SING THIS SONG?” “THIS SONG AGAIN?” “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT TO US?” He heckles me to no end sometimes, but then when I see him outside of primary, he is the most loving child and is always so happy to see me.

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Some of the kids call me just be my last name. My favorite is a little girl who walks past my house all the time and says, “Hey, what’s up, Brittish?” This same girl asks every year at Christmas time if we can sing, “Mary, Did You Know?” by Pentatonix (she specifies “by Pentatonix”).

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Primary can be exhausting and sometimes, as a primary leader or teacher, you can feel quite isolated from the rest of the ward, but nowhere else in the church will you laugh so hard or feel the same kind of Spirit as you do in primary. The most rewarding part is when the kids demonstrate that they have actually listened, and that they “get it.” Or when they when they fall in love with a primary song, and they sing their little hearts out. 

If I were to answer Sister Johnson’s question of “What’s something you love about primary?” my answer would probably include the following:

-I love experiencing the gospel through the perspective of children

-I enjoy witnessing the children’s testimonies develop and grow

-I appreciate a good laugh

-I love the ways that I have grown personally through serving in primary

So Happy Birthday, primary! I’m glad I can play a small part in those 143 years.

An Incomplete List of Awkward Situations

When you get in the same navigation pattern as someone at the grocery store and you end up passing them in every aisle, so you make the effort to break the pattern, and you play it cool, as if that's how you planned to shop all along, and you still end up stuck in the same aisle. 

When you walk toward your van and another lady is also walking toward your van and you know that one of you is going to the wrong van. 

When you have no idea where you parked so you just walk out into the parking lot and fake confidence, hoping no one can tell you’re lost.

When you go somewhere to eat and then you go somewhere afterward and people from the restaurant are there, and you're left wondering, "Are we in a relationship? Do we have to acknowledge one another in public now that we've eaten ten feet apart and shown up at Costco together?"

When you pull into a parking spot, and you have food in the car to eat, but there is someone sitting in the car right across from you, and they're eating, too, and suddenly you're dating this stranger who obviously has very poor eating habits.  

When you see someone you haven't seen in years, and you pretend you don't know them because you don't know of they remember you, but you have to wonder if they are doing the exact same thing - in which case, you should have just said hi and broken the ice because now you're probably going to see that person every week for the next two months (cause that's just how it goes), and you're going to have to keep pretending you don't know them because the decision has already been made.

When the person you've seen in public for years and pretended not to know suddenly talks to you as if you've always been friends, and you have to carry on as if you never pretended to not know each other. 

When someone uses your bathroom and later you go in there and see that your kid left their poopy underwear stain-side up on the floor that morning with a trail of poopy toilet paper leading to the garbage can.

When you try to honk your horn nicely to let the person in front of you know that the light is green, but your van only honks mean.

When you know who a person is, and you know a few things about them because you see a lot of their Facebook activity through mutual friends, and then you “meet” each other in real life and have to pretend like you don’t know exactly who they are, who their friends are, and where they went on vacation last month.

When you go to McDonald's or Chick-Fil-A and no one is pulling into the second lane, so you pull into the second lane and pass, like, six cars and end up getting your food before all of them, and you know they all hate you now, but it's not your fault they didn't go in the second lane.

When you are in line waiting for a gas pump, and a different pump becomes available, and you have to decide whether to wait it out or try to get to the other pump before someone else. And then you go for it, but someone else gets there first, and you end up having to wait even longer to get gas (ditto for grocery lines).

And let's not forget, when you're going to a short grocery line, and you see someone else heading for the same line, and you have to decide between racing there and acting like you weren't trying to beat the person or slowing down so the other person gets there first and acting like that was your pace all along and it's all good!

When another driver has the right of way, but they completely disrupt the flow of traffic to let you go first.  

When someone tells you a very embellished version of something that happened, and they don't realize you were there when it happened, so you know that's not exactly how things went down.

When someone invites you over for a meal, and you see them pull something out of the pantry that you know is supposed to be refrigerated, and you wonder if this is how you will die. 

When your son breaks up with his girlfriend in maybeeee not the most tactful way, and you run into her mom two days later at the pharmacy. 

When you're being guided through a construction zone by a flagger, and they are pointing to the lane as if you aren't responding to instructions fast enough, yet you can't go any faster because everyone is going 5 mph, and you're sitting there thinking, "Believe me buddy, I want this to be over as fast as you do!"

Likewise, when you're being guided into a car wash (the kind that has humans), and you have to sit there making eye contact with the car wash attendant through the window until they give you the signal to put the car in neutral. 

And finally...

Everything about eating at Olive Garden. 

Will I get in trouble if I ask for a new bowl of soup without finishing the first one? Am I going to be judged by how I pronounce pasta e fagioli? Do I wait for the server to come to the table on their own or do I summon them with the tablet thingy? At what point have I eaten too many breadsticks? What's up with these giant, unnatural, three-pronged forks? Allow me to sit here staring at you while you grate cheese onto my food. Can I please just pepper my own entree and box my own leftovers?* What do I do if Post Malone shows up?

*I'm happy to report that during my most recent trip to Olive Garden, there was pepper on the table, and the servers were asking the customers if they would like the staff to box their leftovers or if they would like to do it themselves (are there seriously people who would prefer the employees to box their leftovers? This is something I wouldn't understand).

Golf Mom

We are beginning some new adventures around here with the start of the school year. For one thing, my youngest child will be in first grade, thus, I have reached that beautiful milestone where all my kids are in school all day. For the past 11 years, I have had a mid-day stop at the school for either preschool or kindergarten, so I've mentally divided my days into "morning block" and "afternoon block." This year, I can go somewhere in the morning and not come back until afternoon! I can't even fathom that type of schedule! It's a thrill I've not yet known. Also, with first grade, all of my kids will start school on the same day! Prior to this year, I always had at least one child starting school a few days later than the rest, so we had multiple "First Days of School." 

Secondly, Nicky is going to high school. HIGH SCHOOL!!! I swear I just gave birth to the kid, and now I'm counting down the days til he can get a drivers license because this mom needs another driver in the family STAT (approximately 500 days depending on the DLD's holiday hours - a necessary consideration since I birthed the child two days after Christmas).

Nicky is going to the same high school that Scotty and I went to, so I'm all sorts of reminiscing as I take him to various back to school events. I've been to the high school about six times in the past week. I've checked out my old locker and instructed Nicky to always look up before walking from the courtyard into A-Hall to make sure no one is standing on the upper level about to dump a bucket of water on his head (do they still do this? I imagine the discipline for such behavior is more intense now than it was back in my day). 

Nicky is on the high school golf team, and he had his first tournament this week - thus leading us into the new adventure of Sports Things. We haven't really ventured into the Sports Things. Scotty and I didn't play organized sports, so we've never really found our place in that world as parents. We did a little t-ball and soccer when Nicky was really little, but he just wasn't interested. He doesn't like competitive contact sports, and I'm fine with that because some of the characteristics that competitive athletes adopt are traits I'm fine with my kids not having. 

Golf is a great option for Nicky as it suits his personality. I think he's enjoyed it so far, but it will be interesting to see what he thinks after a few more weeks of practice and tournaments. He's never done anything with quite this level of commitment, and he's a bit of a homebody. 

I had to laugh because he was so excited to ditch his junior high uniforms, and then the golf team's shirts didn't arrive in time for the tournament, so the coach said to wear a navy blue polo. I had to go digging through our DI bag and bring Nicky's uniforms back out for golf.  

We’re allowed to go watch him play, but for now he doesn’t want us to. Whenever I drop him off at the golf course, I want to follow him around and take pictures, but don’t worry! I play cool so he doesn’t get embarrassed, and I keep my sneaky snapshots behind the windshield.  

Check our our bad air and Satan’s sunrise

I even resisted a beautiful shot of him walking into the sunrise (pre-bad air) with his golf bag the other day. He’s just so darn cute with his little golf outfits and his little golf gloves and his little golf shoes. Never mind that he’s nearly 6’ tall. 

Don’t tell him I said any of this. 

A-Shopping We Did Go

We don't have any solid "back to school shopping" traditions in our family, but this year and last year, I've tried taking my kids on individual shopping dates. In all honesty, my kids don't really need anything. We went through all their clothes and I wrote down what they actually need, and it came down to one or two back packs, underwear for one kid, and a couple pairs of shorts, and even then, none of those items were dire. Everyone has plenty of everything, and that's usually the case every year, so I always have quite the wrestle with back to school shopping. Yet, we do it. Because it helps them look forward to school... right? And there's a lot of social stuff that goes into it... right? 

I took Zoe and Eva shopping together at The Mall a couple of weeks ago.  

Matching has always been a struggle for my kids. They don't understand it at all, and for many years, I've turned a blind eye and let them wear whatever crazy outfit combinations they want in an effort to choose my battles wisely. Penguin leggings and a floral top? Sure, whatever. I'm just happy you're dressing yourself! But this year I decided to try steering them more toward clothes that actually go together, so I made a rule that whatever they picked needed to be an "outfit." If you want bunny pants, you need to find a shirt to match. If you can't make it an outfit, we're not getting bunny pants. 

It was a struggle. We spent hours pulling everything they loved off a shelf and then laying it out on the ground as ensembles. We put a lot of things back, causing magnificent tragedy in their lives. I tried to teach them the joy of jeans... jeans match everything! Those five shirts you love? You can wear every single one of them with this pair of jeans. Isn't that wonderful? How about we invest in two pairs of jeggings that match every shirt you can find instead of buying those butterfly pants? Oh! And the fact that butterflies like flowers doesn't mean that butterfly pants match every flowery top in H&M. 

Zoe and Eva didn't take in these lessons perfectly, but they definitely learned a thing or two. After we finished shopping, we hung out at a church waiting for Nicky to finish up at a water park with friends, and the girls spread out all of their "outfits" on the lawn and did inventory of their purchases. 

My next shopping trip was with Daisy. She's my biggest struggle because she and I have completely different tastes, and I seriously hate everything she likes. She basically just wants to wear gigantic, tie-dyed everything. She tends to latch on to one clothing item at a time and wear it over and over and over. I have to nag her every day to change her clothes, and last year I had to make a rule that she has to wear two different outfits before she can wear the same one again. Then all school year, she would still put on the same outfit everyday unless I caught her and told her to go change. Then she would stomp her feet and start crying. 

I never wanted to be a mom who nags her kids over how they dress - I remember how important it was for me to have that independence as a child - and yet... here I am... battling my daughter over her clothes almost every day. Clothes and hygiene... hygiene and clothes... day in and day out...

So back to school shopping with Daisy? Not the most pleasant thing I've experienced. I had to make too many rules. No, I won't buy you any hoodies. You can only pick ONE tie-dyed item. If I buy you that, you have to get rid of the old, dirty one you already have. 

I ended up mostly shopping for myself so I could at least buy something I liked.

My last shopping trip was with Nicky, and that had its challenges as well. You may recall that Nicky has preferred a wardrobe of Hawaiian shirts and gym shorts since fifth grade. For the past two years, he's had to wear uniforms for school - basically polos and khaki shorts - so I've been interested to see what his fashion plan is for high school. When I took him shopping, I set him free to look for clothes on his own, but he ended up wandering like a little, lost dog in the middle of Burlington. Eventually he came to me and said, "Mom, I don't know what to look for." So I perused the aisles with him and offered him a shirt or two. I would say, "Do you like this?" and he would say, "I don't know." So we did that through a few stores until he settled on a Nintendo 64 t-shirt, a golf shirt, and a button-down top with cacti on it (to fulfill his Hawaiian shirt dreams). We also found him a pair of shoes, and then I ordered him a "Save Ferris" t-shirt online because that's the only thing he actually wanted. 

Now that we are fast approaching a new school year, I would say that the trends from the Brittish household for the coming year would have to be classified as "not exactly fashion forward." But I guess I'll just be grateful that we are clothed and that we remain consistent over time.

Currently {August 2021 Edition}

Reading: nothing! I'm currently skipping from book to book and not getting into any of them. I'm not sure if this is due to choosing the wrong books or if it's a focus issue. My mind is not at ease lately, so my listening and comprehension skills leave much to be desired. 

Dreading: loading and unloading the truck to go to the lake. We're having a couple of lake days this week, and while I love taking my kids to the lake, I really don't like the part where I have to load the truck, unload the truck, then load the truck, and unload the truck. I'm grateful, though, that I get to take the truck this time because last time I took the kids to the lake, I had to take the van and strap three kayaks to the roof. It's a little easier to get the kayaks in the truck than it is to hoist them up on the roof. Thank heavens I have a tall teenage boy to help me out!

Wearing: cut off yoga pants and a t-shirt.

Listening to: the Les Mis cast recording, but I only get through about two songs at a time before my kids are fighting, and I have to turn it off. I've been trying all summer to listen to Les Mis from beginning to end. That's one of the first things I'm going to do when the kids go back to school.

(I have a list).

Singing: "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson. 

This morning I read the talk "The Grave Has No Victory" by Reyna I. Aburto. In the talk, Sister Aburto shared some experiences with losing her brother at a young age. She said, "I had received a witness that my brother's spirit is not dead; he is alive. He is still progressing in his eternal existence." I felt inspired to ponder on times I have received a witness that my loved ones who have passed from this life are still alive in spirit. I took some time to write down some of those experiences, so of course, I shed a few tears, and then I ended up singing -

She flew up to heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved one's waitin'

And I know she's smiling saying 'Don't worry 'bout me.'

Buying: school things. I took Zoe and Eva school shopping last week. Recently they've developed a romanticized idea of The Mall, so I took them to The Mall, and they thought it was the greatest thing ever. I let them ride the motorized mall animals and eat food of their choice from the food court. On the way out, we stopped at Orange Julius because I wanted The Mall experience to be as legit as possible. 

I'll be taking Nicky and Daisy on individual shopping dates during the coming week. Nicky doesn't care a bit about back to school shopping, but he's excited to get to go to high school and not have a uniform dress code. I've been asking him what his "fashion plans" are for the coming school year. He still leans toward gym shorts and Hawaiian shirts (going strong since 5th grade), but he has branched out a little bit and occasionally wears t-shirts and shorts. He looks pretty suave when he dresses up to play golf (which he is doing as we speak). It will be interesting to see what clothes he chooses for school after two years of being required to wear khakis and polos. 

Craving: time alone in my house. 

Needing: time alone in my house.

Daydreaming about: time alone in my house.

Regretting: getting breakfast from Chick-Fil-A this morning. It tasted like it had been sitting under a warmer for an hour. 

Annoyed by: people blocking the aisles at grocery stores.

Playing: the Wingspan app. I have my phone propped next to me as we speak, and I'm waiting for Carlie to take her turn. 

Working on: nothing. I've given up on all forms of projects and self-improvement. 

Procrastinating: loading the truck for one of those lake days I mentioned above. 

Loving: the Unwind series by Neal Shusterman. For the most part, I've grown out of YA series, but this one has kept me entertained this summer. I'm waiting for the 4th book on Overdrive right now. 

Hoping: for a few prayers to be answered...

...in the way I want.

Just... ya know... hoping God and I are on the same page for a brief moment. That would be cool. 

Worried about: sending the kids back to school with COVID cases rising. I don't want to have to deal with exposures and quarantines again. 

Looking forward to: pants season. Yesterday the weather was cool enough to wear pants, and I just really love pants. I'm a whole new person when I can wear pants and not sweat to death. 

Eating: Coke. Okay, so I'm not "eating" Coke, but I am drinking Coke leftover from my nasty Chick-Fil-A breakfast.

But Britt, didn't you say you quit drinking soda?

Well, yes. I quit soda for three weeks, but then my kitchen started on fire so I had to go to Maverik and get a Vanilla Coke. 

Struggling with: self-worth. I don't want to seem dramatic or anything, so I don't usually express these feelings on the internet (plus it's embarrassing, frankly), but I feel a bit "unseen" and worthless right now. I know better. But that doesn't change the underlying notion that I have no value.

Thinking about: a conversation I had yesterday that just isn't sitting well with me. 

Learning: how to love people better. 

Enjoying: the last two weeks of summer break. Now that the end is so close, I feel like I can relax a little and enjoy spending time with my kids. 

Feeling: sweaty. 

Grateful for: good listeners.