Read This Post, Earn a Cookie

There's a topic I've been wanting to write about for a few years, but whenever I start imagining the post I might create on the subject, I get a little overwhelmed and shut it down. It's nothing controversial or crazy, it's just something I'm still processing and learning about, and I don't know if I can write about it in a way that matches my passion for it. Today, I'll try... we'll see what happens. 

I can already tell you that this post is going to be long. I hope you'll stick it out. Everyone who endures to the end gets a cookie (unfortunately you'll have to go out and find the cookie yourself, but I assure you, you'll have earned it!)

And here we go...

The topic is an aspect of self-esteem called perceived mattering.

This idea of "perceived mattering" is something I stumbled across while I was studying and researching for my practicum. It's a simple idea, really, and exactly what it sounds like - perceiving that you matter, or understanding that you are important. 

Sociologist Morris Rosenberg outlined two types of perceived mattering: societal and interpersonal.

Societal means that you recognize your importance in your social circle. This can be in your community, your church, your extended family, your group of friends, etc. When you experience perceived mattering at a societal level, you know that your actions can impact groups of people. 

Interpersonal means that you acknowledge the difference you make in the lives of individuals like your teacher, your parent, your best friend, or your child. When you experience perceived mattering at an interpersonal level, you know that your actions have a one on one impact for specific people.

The level at which we perceive that we matter has a great affect on our happiness and well-being. The key to this construct is the perceiving. We all know the platitudes... You matter! You make a difference! You belong! We can repeat those things day in and day out, but if we don't perceive it... feel it... believe it... they're just words. 

I think about perceived mattering a lot from a gospel perspective. The teaching that immediately comes to mind is, "I am a child of God." It's one of the first things we teach children in my Church - that they are loved and cherished by a supreme being, and that they are, in fact, His children. 

This can be such an abstract idea. Sometimes, I, myself, have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Am I truly a child of God? Do I fully believe this teaching and put my utmost faith in it? If I am a child of God, what does that mean for my life? What role does His love play in my daily actions?

In terms of perceived mattering, this is a doctrine that, when truly believed and understood, can have such a great impact on the choices we make, the way we handle difficulties, and the happiness we experience. 

(Just a quick side note, when I talk about happiness - the topic of the practicum I mentioned above - the definition I use comes from sociologist, Ruut Veenhoven, as the "overall appreciation for life as a whole," or "the degree to which an individual judges his or her life as a whole favorably." I like this definition because it makes happiness and joy interchangeable and it allows room for us to experience happiness even through hardship. Happiness does not result from a life without trials but from a life wherein we can experience and endure difficult things and still feel an appreciation for our existence. Also, I love the idea that happiness is a form of gratitude).

(You’re glazing over. I can tell. Come back to me. Remember the cookies!)

To know that you are a child of God is to know that you matter. I often ponder how I can improve my relationship with God the Father so that I can better understand my own capacities as His child. Surely, if I am His child, there are Godlike traits within me yet untapped. Surely that means something. Surely, among billions of human beings, I have some significance. Some purpose. 

As a member of a large Church community (or any group), it can be easy to feel lost or unimportant. Some of that is due to fighting private battles. Some of it is due to comparing ourselves to others. A lot of it is due to misconceptions and misunderstandings. Most of it is a direct result of the adversary. How does Satan want you to feel? Like you don't matter! 

I love this quote from Sharon Eubank, "...consider this: You have no idea the power you yourself have over the tone and example of your own ward.” 

Sometimes we sit around and wait for other people to help us feel like we matter. What happens when we take upon ourselves the first step? What if I, in experiencing my own feelings of worthlessness, sought to reestablish my own perceived mattering by telling someone else how they matter? This might best be done by acknowledging an individual by name and telling them something very specific that I have seen them do and how I feel it makes a difference. What can I do in my calling and in my ministering to enhance the perceived mattering of those I serve? One thing I've noticed about the way we serve in my Church is that there is a cyclical effect in helping one another recognize our worth. I serve others because they matter, but I also serve others because I matter. 

Let me tell you a story that always makes me emotional.

(Cookie!)

When I first moved into my ward, there was a lady in Relief Society who was just a bundle of fun! She was probably in her upper 40's at the time. She seemed a happy, confident individual with her life in order - a great influence on the women of the ward and a pleasant person to be around. She gave comments in class that were thoughtful but also made us laugh, and I remember thinking how much I liked her!

One day in sacrament meeting, this woman was writing something in a notebook. I could see the page from where I was sitting, and I was completely taken aback as I read the phrase, "I'm a loser" written over and over, line after line. 

It completely broke my heart. What was going through this amazing woman's mind and heart that made her believe that? It didn't match what I thought of her, and it didn't match the way she presented herself in a crowd. I wanted her to know that she wasn't a loser; however, I could hardly walk over to her in a Church meeting and confess that I'd seen what she wrote - that would have only embarrassed her - but I felt such a strong urge to let her know that she mattered. 

Since then, I’ve reflected frequently on that experience, and I have tried to remember that I can never fully know what a person is feeling or believing about themselves. We can so easily look around and think everyone else has it all together... everyone else is doing more... being more... doing better... being better... and yet, the woman with the friendly smile who appears totally social and confident might be the very woman who is hurting inside, feeling like she doesn't matter. There could be a room full of people feeling the exact same way, but we wouldn't necessarily know it. 

It makes me realize that I matter because I can be the very source of helping someone else understand that they matter. I confess, there are a lot of people out there that I don't particularly like, but if I saw them writing, "I'm a loser" in a notebook over and over, it would break my heart and make me want to immediately repent and do anything I can to correct their thinking. I know I have not always been great at helping others feel good about themselves. In fact, I have intentionally made people feel bad throughout my entire life, and it's something I am forever working on, which is, in part, why I've been needing to write this post. It’s been impressed upon my heart over these past few years just how important it is for each of us to perceive that we matter. 

Thank you so much for sticking with me today! Do you know how much you matter to me? It's true. You being a reader here makes a difference in my life. You make me feel like I matter! Let's keep this cycle going. 

Alright, you made it. Go get yourself that cookie! 

#givethanks

When COVID took over our lives at the beginning of this year, I was in the middle of a gratitude challenge. I have to say, the timing of that gratitude challenge was no coincidence. I firmly believe it saved me mentally and emotionally.  

Elder Robert D. Hales said, "In some quiet way, the expression and feelings of gratitude have a wonderful cleansing or healing nature... Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure" (1992).

This quote, which I often refer to when I teach happiness workshops, has led me to think of gratitude as "medicine," so I love that President Nelson, our prophet and a doctor, prescribed us a dose of gratitude last week to heal our hearts. 

(Here is President Nelson's story behind the message he shared last week, and here is the transcript of his message). 

The prophet encouraged us to be grateful for:

• The gift of life - our bodies and minds
• Art, literature, and music
• The opportunity to repent, make amends, start over, and build character
• Our families, friends, and loved ones
• The opportunity to serve one another
• Our trials and the things we learn from them
• Our global family

President Nelson pointed out that the effects of gratitude have been validated by science as well as by men and women of faith. I had the opportunity to study gratitude from a scholarly perspective while I was in school, and I have always found the research around gratitude to be delightfully fascinating! 

Today, on Thanksgiving, I just wanted to share with you that I believe in the power of gratitude. I have seen the benefits of it in my own life. It has helped me cope with depression, it has helped me endure trials and hardship, and it has been the key to my happiness. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Incomplete List of Things That Make Me Happy

1. Dogs with their heads sticking out of car windows. I'm not a dog person, but this is the exception. I love seeing dogs riding in vehicles with their heads hanging out of the windows. They look so happy! And I swear they are always smiling!

2. When my kids reach physical milestones. It makes me so happy to see my kids learn to clap, walk, ride a bike, cross the monkey bars, etc.

3. When Scotty makes the bed. Or changes the laundry. Or does the dishes. Basically any time I discover that Scotty has already completed a task I thought I was going to have to do, I am elated!

4. Seeing the sunrise. My days are always better if I'm outside when the sun comes up.

5. When little kids know my name. Or when they have a name for me - regardless of its accuracy. It always makes me smile when I walk into my kids' school, and kids rush up to me to say, "Hello, Mrs, Brittany!" Likewise, I love when I see kids from the primary, and they call me "Sister Brittany" (or "Mister Brittany," as one of them used to say).

6. Finding a new recipe that's a "keeper." I try a lot of recipes, and I keep very few. So I'm always delighted to find a recipe we really like.

7. Pressure washing stuff. It's a great mixture of satisfaction and aggression release. Yesterday I pressure washed several sets of blinds from our house, and  it was pretty much the greatest things I've done in my life.

8. A clean vehicle. I love when my van is freshly washed, vacuumed, and Armor-all-ed. When it happens (a very rare occurrence), I just want to spend all day driving around. 

9. Music. Need I say more?

10. When my kids help each other without being asked to. They simply melt my heart when they do this, and I think, "Wow! I'm raising good people!"

Doses of Gratitude

In my happiness workshop* (which I wrote for my school practicum in 2017), I taught about the medicinal effects of gratitude. I touched on this briefly in this post about depression, but just to give a little more detail, people who are consistently grateful have been found to:**

• Feel happier
• Feel more energetic
• Feel more hopeful
• Report more positive emotions
• Feel less depressed
• Feel less lonely
• Feel less anxious
• Feel less envious
• Feel less neurotic

Additionally, gratitude boosts happiness in several ways. Gratitude:***

1. Promotes savoring of life's experiences - "Enjoy every moment! It goes by so fast!"
2. Supports self-worth and self-esteem - For many people, it's natural to focus on failures and disappointments. Gratitude can help break this cycle. 
3. Helps people cope with stress and trauma - in the days following 9/11, gratitude was the second highest reported emotion after sympathy. 
4. Encourages moral behavior - Grateful people are more likely to help others. 
5. Helps build social bonds, strengthen existing relationships, and develop new relationships - if you are grateful for a person, even in you never tell them, you tend to treat them better. 
6. Inhibits unwarranted comparisons with others
7. Diminishes feelings of anger, bitterness, and greed
8. Helps thwart hedonic adaptation - adaptation to positive things is the enemy to happiness. 

One of my favorite studies on gratitude was done by Martin Seligman, who is one of the prominent researchers in positive psychology.

Seligman had his participants think of someone who'd had an impact on their lives whom they had not yet thanked. Then he asked them to write a letter of gratitude to that person and deliver it in person.

Immediately after the participants delivered their letters, they reported increased levels of happiness. A week later, they still reported higher levels of happiness. Then one month later, they were still happier than the control group.****

I imagine you can easily see why I think of gratitude as medicine.

Lately I've been feeling a little selfish and ungrateful, so in an effort to redirect my emotions, I thought I should turn to gratitude. I need a few consistent doses.

I found this cute, little writing prompt several months ago and saved it. I'm going to utilize it to guide my posts for the next couple of weeks so I can get my gratitude on.

*Someday I intend to make some video presentations or a blog series of my workshops. 
**These are correlational findings and not necessarily causal (Lyubomirsky, 2008).
***(Lyubomirsky, 2008).
****A lot of the research I used in my workshop came from Sonja Lyubomirsky. I read several of her research studies and her book, and I also watched some presentations she has done. I really loved her work, and the study from Martin Seligman made me want to thank Dr. Lyubomirksy for her work and her research. I tracked down an email address for her and sent her a letter, and she wrote me back, which made me totally geek out. 

Back to School Lesson 2018

School is fast approaching, and I am equal parts excitement and dread. There are things I love about having my kids in school. I love that they get to see their friends everyday. I love the structure and the extracurricular activities. I love that I have a team of teachers helping me educate my children, and I appreciate more than anything when a teacher loves my kids and looks out for them.

But there are things I don't love about having my kids in school. I don't love the bad influences that come into their lives. I don't love sending them out into the world where they might be scared or hurt. I don't love getting them ready every morning, and I don't love feeling like I live in my van (this year I will make three trips to the school each day, and on days my kids have extracurricular activities, I will make four trips).

Each year before school starts, we have a back to school Family Home Evening. We did our back to school lesson this week, and I thought I'd share what we did so A) I can use it again later and B) you can steal ideas if they suit your family's needs.

Right now, Nicky struggles with negativity and Daisy struggles with anxiety, so my focus for this activity was to help them with those things as they head back to school.

I included an LDS scripture and a hymn, but the lesson plan is not religious.

____________________________________

BACK TO SCHOOL LESSON 2018

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, 

for I the Lord am with you.

D&C 68:6

Suggested song:
You can Make the Pathway Bright (228)
____________________________________

Section 1: BODY LANGUAGE

I started by writing the word POSITIVE on a small white board. I told my kids I was going to show them a word, and on the count of three, I wanted them to say the word.

I asked them what it means to be POSITIVE. Collectively, we agreed that being positive means you can find good in what's going on around you.

Then I asked them, "What would your body look like if you felt POSITIVE?"

I had them stand up and show me. They hadn't ever thought about their body language, so I gave them some prompts like, "What would your shoulders look like? Where would your eyes be? What would your mouth be doing? How would you walk?"

Then I asked them to show me what their bodies would look like if they were feeling NEGATIVE. I tried to help them see what their bodies do based on how they feel.

I then erased POSITIVE and wrote CONFIDENT. I showed them the board and had them say the word.

I asked them what CONFIDENT means. We decided that confident means you feel good about yourself, and you believe in yourself.

I asked then to demonstrate CONFIDENT with their bodies. Then I asked them to show me what their bodies are like when they feel bad about themselves.

I explained that how we carry our bodies can affect the way we think and feel. We practiced different postures and talked about how our day might go if we walked around in these different positions.

Then for two minutes we practiced standing firm with our chins up, our faces smiling, and our shoulders back. My kids thought this was silly, but by the end of the activity, they were smiling and feeling good. I told them that if they form a smile on their faces, even if it isn't sincere, it can make them feel happy (Lyubomirsky. 2008). I asked them what they thought would happen in they started each day by standing in front of the mirror in that position for two minutes. With much resistance, they agreed that it might help them have more CONFIDENCE and be more POSITIVE.

I then taught them about power posing. We stood in our power poses (I taught them the Wonder Woman stance, which is my power pose of choice). Then we talked about situations where we can bust out a power pose to increase our CONFIDENCE.

Some of our ideas were:

• Power posing before doing an oral report or presentation in class
• Power posing before walking into a new or unfamiliar place
• Power posing before talking to someone new
• Power posing any time we feel nervous or hesitant

(If you're not familiar with power posing, watch this TED Talk. If you need to shortcut it, I recommend starting at 12:45 and then 19:45 to get the gist of it, however, it's worth watching the whole thing. You might also check out this article defending Amy Cuddy's research. I am a believer in power posing. It has helped me in several situations where I lacked confidence, and when I was feeling very nervous).

The point of this section of the lesson was to give my kids some body language tools they can use to improve their thoughts and feelings. I explained to them that when we are feeling down, nervous, scared, or negative, we can make adjustments to the way we carry our bodies, and it can help us feel different.

Section 2: HERO BOARDS

The next activity we did is an idea I adapted from Kirk Duncan. We created hero boards (Kirk calls them "hero walls," but I like "boards" better). Here is a short video where he explains them briefly, however, I heard him speak about them in more detail at a workshop I went to with Shannon, so I had my kids do something a little more elaborate than you see here:

For the hero boards, I first had them brainstorm a list of PEOPLE THEY LOOK UP TO. They could be people they know (like Grandpa), fictional characters (like Harry Potter), or people they have never met, dead or alive (George Washington or Steph Curry). I asked them to think of 4-8 (that way there was flexibility and they weren't overly stressed about it). Kirk recommends giving your kids total freedom in creating this list. Don't try to sway them to put a certain name (religious figures are great to use but shouldn't be forced). Ask the kids about each name and what qualities they like in that person. This helps you learn about who your kids are watching and who they look up to.

(Just a note: in the video above, Kirk says that children with low self-esteem sometimes struggle to identify heroes. I found this to be true with one of my kids. We will be trying to identify heroes over the next few weeks to complete this child's hero board).

After this I had them brainstorm a list of words of 4-8 power adjectives that they WANT TO DESCRIBE THEM.

Then we took those words and those names and drew a hero board like this:

(Forgive the poor image. Creating the visual was an afterthought, and I needed to get it done quickly, and it didn't turn out all that great).

Here's a description of what's going on in the image:

The person in the middle is the person creating the hero board (the people should be labeled, but to keep it from being overwhelmingly wordy, I left those labels off). The person is surrounded by powerful words - things he can become or might already be. The people on the outside are the heroes. This creates a visual of the child being surrounded by powerful adjectives to describe him and people he can look up to.

On the left, I wrote a description of my child's good qualities (some he has and I see him developing). It's just a 3-4 sentences. Then on the right, Scotty did the same. So each kid has a message from mom and a message from dad.

I told my kids to hang these up in their rooms, and throughout the school year, they can look at them and see how great they are and how many amazing people they have to look up to. I also told them they can change their hero boards any time they want.

The purpose of this activity was to give my kids a positive vocabulary to associate themselves with and create a visual of people they can look up to.

For follow up, I hope to encourage my kids to be POSITIVE and CONFIDENT this school year by paying attention to their bodies and using powerful words to describe themselves.

On the first day of school, I like to show my kids a video before they leave home. Last year they watched this one:

This year I'm going to show them Jessica's Daily Affirmation:

And they will hate this, but I'm going to make them do their own affirmations using their hero board before they go to school, and if they won't do it, I'll do it for them. I'll stand in front of them and use my best Jessica actions while saying, "You love to learn! You love to help others! You are awesome, funny, and brave! And most of all... you love your mom!"

The Frumpy Moms Guide to Social Belonging

A few weeks ago I clicked on a link someone shared on facebook that went to a blog post that talked about the division between the moms at school drop off. The blog post basically separated moms into two groups - those who get ready in the morning and those who don't. It talked about how the "done up" moms all flock together and chat while the "frumpy" moms are all in survival mode and stay in their cars and feel isolated.

I both related to the post and loathed the post at the same time. It was written by someone who groups herself with the "frumpy" moms, and she took on the position of somewhat shaming the "done up" moms while also totally comparing herself to them.

I related to it because I'm one of the "frumpy" moms, at least in terms of getting ready in the morning. Unless I have something really important going on that day, I don't do my hair or make-up, and I'm usually in workout clothes or something pajama-like (and trust me... it has nothing to do with actually working out). I'm always in survival mode, and I often feel like I'm hanging off a cliff by my pinkie. I'm frequently in a condition where I prefer for people to not see me.

But I loathed the post, too, because I didn't like the way the writer labeled herself and the other moms. She divided mothers by us and them, and she wasn't interested in closing the gap. All of the thoughts she expressed in the post were based in her own assumptions - assumptions about the women she was separating herself from. Assumptions that they don't "get" her and that their lives aren't hard.

I'm guilty of it, too, of course. I've looked at mothers and grouped them by types. I drop off kids at school, and I'm well aware that there are moms who are dolled up to the nines and moms who won't even brush their teeth until 3:00 p.m... if they are lucky. I know that there are workout moms and working moms and volunteer moms and rich moms and poor moms. I've put them in groups. I've given them labels.

And I've made the mistake of not talking to another mom because I assumed there was some difference between us that made us incompatible in some way.

In fact, here's an example. A confession of something I did that was kind of horrible...

A few months ago, I was at a restaurant with my family, and I saw a friend of mine from high school. Not just any friend - one of my best friends. We haven't kept in touch very well since we graduated because she lives out of state and doesn't use social media. She was here visiting, I assume. Anyway, I saw her from across the restaurant, and I didn't go talk to her.

I didn't talk to her because...

Because...

Because she was skinny.

And I have put on 75 pounds since high school.

So because of this difference, her being skinny and me being, well... a little on the thick side, I didn't go talk to her.

I allowed some delusion of a division between us based on the physical conditions of our bodies to keep me from talking to someone who was once one of my closest friends.

Dumb.

Shortly after that, I had another experience that was quite the opposite.

I was at the grocery store early in the morning. It was the day after Eva had gotten stitches in her forehead. I was tired and unshowered. I had greasy hair and zits all over my face. I was wearing a baggy t-shirt, ten-year-old yoga pants that were covered in paint, and hot pink sequin slippers. The child in my cart looked just as disheveled as I was.

I ran into an acquaintance there, one who is a "done up" mom. This woman never has a hair out of place. She is absolutely pristine, always. My initial thought was, "Oh no!" because we made eye contact, and there was no dodging her (Would I have dodged her if I'd had the chance? Maybe. Probably).

We stopped and chatted, and guess what! It was great. I had no reason to avoid her other than my own distorted thoughts. She was kind and friendly, and we had a nice exchange. I left feeling grateful that I'd talked to her.

Shortly after that, she contacted me to ask for my help with something, which proved that just because a mom is "done up" doesn't mean that she doesn't have problems or hardships. "Done up" moms and "frumpy" moms can be friends! They can help each other out!

For my internship, I had to read a book by Kelly McGonigal called The Upside of Stress (I recommend it - it deals with so much more than stress. It's a great book for coping with adversity in many forms).

The book talks about some of the research of a psychologist named Greg Walton, who focused on mindset intervention. One of his intervention topics was social belonging. He would go to an Ivy League school campus and talk to the students briefly, giving them the message that if they felt they didn't belong, they weren't alone. This simple intervention showed improvement in academic performance, physical health, and overall happiness over the following three years in the students compared to those who did not receive the intervention.

The point is - feeling like you don't belong is a widespread experience, but we tend to think we are alone in it. Our interpretations of conversations, setbacks, and misunderstandings can be viewed as evidence that we don't belong. What we sometimes fail to see is that almost everyone feels that way. So it's not just the "frumpy" mom in the van at school drop off. Chances are, some of those "done up" moms standing in a group feel the same way.

I think we excuse ourselves from reaching out to others because we feel we don't belong, but if we recognize that everyone feels left out or disconnected at times, we can connect better with each other. So let's not look at the differences between ourselves and other women and make assumptions about who fits in and who doesn't. Someone can appear to have a rich social life and still feel incredibly lonely inside.

Let's not allow our grooming process to dictate who we connect with.

Get out of the van. Say hi. Smile. Work that greasy updo.

Discovering and Nurturing the Best Within You

A couple of week's ago, I promised a post about strengths. I wish I could remember everything I hoped to say in that post, but I waited too long. I'm going to try to summon those thoughts as best I can today.

There are a couple of things that made me want to write this post. 

The first was my practicum, which helped me become more familiar with the positive psychology movement. Until recent decades, psychology focused heavily on what was wrong with people. It was about diagnosis and treatment - fixing people, if you will. In recent years, psychology has become more involved in researching human strengths, life satisfaction, and happiness.

While researching my practicum, I came across this concept from Dr. Martin Seligman, one of the prominent researchers in positive psychology, and it has been at the forefront of my thoughts ever since:

(Sorry for the blurry image - I took it from my slideshow presentation)

Let's pretend that you have something weak within you. Maybe there's a bad habit you keep going back to, or maybe you have some mental or emotional struggles. 

It can be very easy to hone in on our weaknesses. There are many reasons for this, but I think a big one is that we feel like we are being humble when we bring attention to our faults, as if announcing them to everyone makes us more noble and modest. 

Another reason I believe we focus on our weaknesses is to protect ourselves from being "caught." If I tell you everything I'm bad at and every area I'm weak in, then I beat you to it! You get to know about my weakness because I pointed it out to you. You don't get the glory of discovering my fault on your own! I am in control.

I could give more reasons, but suffice it to say that, for many of us, it is our nature to focus on our weaknesses when it would do us a great deal of good if we focused on our strengths.

The second thing that got my thoughts flowing on this topic was General Conference, which occurred the first weekend of April. 

Several years ago, I started hearing people say that they struggle with General Conference because they feel like it's a run down of everything they're doing wrong. I'd never experienced such guilt during General Conference, so, while I felt sad for these individuals, I didn't understand why they felt that way. But then, in time, it happened to me. I started feeling like General Conference was a guilt trip. And the social media culture surrounding General Conference added immensely to that feeling.

This was new to me, I'd never felt that way before, and I didn't like it. I decided to actively battle this feeling by applying the same tactic I used a few years ago to tackle mom guilt. Instead of worrying about everything I am doing wrong during General Conference, I now try to focus on things I am doing right. I listen for statements that validate good choices I am already making, and when it comes to progress, I focus on messages that inspire me, and I don't worry about the ones that make me feel guilty. If I feel inspired, I am ready to act. If I feel guilty, I am not in a place to tackle that particular issue.* 

This is something I've been trying to do for the past few years, but it was only this time around that I was aware there was research to back this up. In essence, I had learned a way to nurture what was best within me. 

I'll try to bring this all together now.

Part of overcoming our faults and weaknesses is nurturing our strengths, and to do that, we need to know what they are! 

This is so hard for many people. In my workshop, I had the participants fill out a sheet to help them become familiar with some of the best parts of themselves. Some people handled this well and were pleased to make some new  discoveries about themselves, and others refused to write anything good about themselves. It was difficult for me to witness people I love feel incapable of acknowledging their own strengths. 

But anyway, back to the point - we need to know what some of our strengths are, because no matter what faults we have, there are good things within each of us. 

Just in case you need some help in that area, here are three ways you can discover some of your strengths:

1. Take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths**

You will need to create an account to fill out the questionnaire, but it is free, and once you have an account, you will have access to several other surveys.

This is a great exercise for those who struggle to name their own strengths because the program will do it for you. 

2. Fill out this "My Strengths and Qualities" worksheet

(Just for the record, the worksheet comes from Therapist Aid, not The Rapist Aid).

This one might be harder because you have to name your strengths on your own, but I like this worksheet because it has you go beyond just listing your strengths.

3. Ask someone you love and trust what they think some of your strengths are

Ooooooo! That's a tough one. But it's also a good one, because another person is going to see strengths in you that you might not see in yourself. 

Do it! I dare you!

And as a bonus, if you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and have received a patriarchal blessing, I encourage you to look there for strengths.

Once you've identified some of your strengths, it's helpful to make a list of the ways you can use each strength (you may also include ways you have used that strength in the past). 

How can your strength bless your own life as well as the lives of others? How can you further develop that strength? 

As a religious person, I believe the cultivation of our best qualities can be accomplished through prayer. It is one thing to learn of our strengths, but it is another to develop and use them for the best purposes. Acknowledging our strengths may seem to be at odds with the commandment to be humble, but there is room for humility in the best parts of us as we use those strengths for righteous purposes and for serving others. 

Research has shown that doing a kind deed is one of the most effective (if not the most effective) ways to boost happiness, so I encourage you to acknowledge your strengths and use them to help others. In doing so, you will have a greater capacity to overcome your own weaknesses. 

*I would like to add here that I sustain the leaders of the Church, and I do not believe that it is the intent or purpose of general Conference to make us feel guilty. Feeling that way is, perhaps, one of my own weaknesses.

**According to my most recent completion of the survey, my top 5 strengths are spirituality, love of learning, humor and playfulness, creativity, and gratitude. 

Wherein I Give You Homework

About two hours ago, I completed my last final for the semester.

(Insert sigh of relief here).

I'm now (kind of) in my last semester. I am doing an internship, which I have (kind of) already started, and I'll be taking two more classes starting next week.

This is good news for you, dear readers, because that means we are quickly approaching the days were I might post less about school.

Anyway... now that I'm done with my practicum, I have lots of things I want to write about. There's a post looming in my mind, but I'm not ready to write it yet.

Spoiler alert: It's about strengths.

And I've never done this before, but I have a homework assignment for you, but only if you're interested.

Visit the Authentic Happiness web site from the University of Pennsylvania, and complete the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. There is a little caveat - you will need to register and agree for your responses to be used in research to take the survey. Once you register, you will be able to do any of the questionnaires on the site for free (there are different web sites where you can take this survey, but I'm suggesting this one because it's the one my school recommends).

The survey is quite thorough, so it takes 20-30 minutes to complete. You will find that some of the questions seem redundant. Don't be annoyed by it. That's what makes it thorough.

I first took this survey in 2014. I took it again last night. My strengths have changed a little bit in the past three years. Or maybe I am just more in tune with my strengths. But interestingly, my top strength remains the same.

I'll share my strengths with you when I write the aforementioned post.

Let me know if you do the survey. I would love to hear what your top five strengths are!