Sunday Sentiments - Short & Sick Edition

I’ve been trying to write this post all day, and I just keep deleting it and starting over again. I’m struggling a bit today. I’ve been sick for five days, and I’m worried that my girls are getting sick, too. They all have very important things going on this week, so it could be devastating. Between feeling lousy, worrying about my kids, and being aware of the crap state our world is in, I’m kind of a mess. It makes for terrible blogging. 

I also still can’t upload photos from my phone!

So after several attempts at Sunday Sentiments (most ending with me being a big whiner and not liking my own vibe), I’m going to refrain from excessive writing and give a recommendation instead. 

If your family situation has been challenging or if the order of events in your life has been atypical, you might connect with these podcast episodes:

Follow Him - Dr. Jenae Nelson Part I & Part II (website)

I sobbed through these episodes. Maybe that’s not a good way to convince you to listen, but if you do end up listening, please let me know what you think. 

Come Back - Episode 161 with Hank Smith (website) 

I listened to this episode a couple of months ago, and it was referenced in the Follow Him episodes with Dr. Jenae Nelson. Hank Smith talks about some abusive patterns in his family of origin and how he has worked toward healing and forgiveness in adulthood.

There is also another episode of Follow Him with Dr. Nelson that I have not yet listened to (part I & part II).

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Also, if you have any need for information about Patriarchal Blessings, this week I compiled a short document to help prepare my daughter for hers (someday…) You can find it here.

Weird Little Britt

I think I was a bit of a strange child. Looking back and knowing what I experienced in my mind, I have to say that I probably needed some help. I had terrible anxiety, irrational thoughts and fears, major issues with jealousy and control, and a deep need for attention. 

I was paranoid about natural disasters - fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, etc. At night I would lay in bed wide awake running through my escape plan for getting out of a housefire, and anywhere I went, I would look for safe places to take cover in an earthquake. 

I was obsessed with furniture stores. My favorite was Granite Furniture. I have no idea why! I daydreamed about working there. I wanted to arrange the furniture. 

I truly believed I was going to die by gunshot in a drive by shooting before I turned 12 (this probably warrants an entire post for another day). I wrote a “will” and goodbye notes to my family and friends in my journal.

I was mean to people because I thought it would make them like me. For example, I went up to a girl at recess who was wearing a SF 49ers shirt and started taunting her and saying “49ers suck!” I thought she would think I was funny and that we would enter into some kind of playful rivalry and become best friends. I didn’t even know anything about football or the 49ers. 

(We did not become close friends). 

There were other times I was so mean that I made people cry. I sincerely couldn’t understand why they cried. I really thought I was being funny by making fun of people, and that they would just laugh it off and think I was hilarious.

It was my dream to have everyone think I was a boy and then at some point, I would take off my ball cap and have my hair come tumbling out beautifully like a shampoo commercial, revealing that, SURPRISE! I was actually a girl!

I lied about everything all the time. I lied so much that even now, as an adult, I am still clearing up stories I told to friends as a child. Some examples of my lies:

-My real name was Bretagne but we had to Americanize it.

-I might have to go to a foster home.  

-I was deaf in one ear. 

-I had a boyfriend named Travis from my old school and we’d been forced apart but planned to reunite someday (I had a photo in a locket for proof - it was a boy I cut out of an old class photo). Travis was in a foster home and was planning to run away. 

-I met Britney Spears and she was actually really nice so people should stop being so mean to her.

-My cousin was killed in a car accident and was buried in my grandpa’s backyard.

-I had a coffee addiction and was going through a program to wean me off. It was very important that I not smell or taste anything to remind me of coffee or I could have a very dangerous relapse. 

-I was allergic to oranges.

-I did barrel racing in the rodeo.  

I didn’t want to wear a bra, and I felt betrayed every single time a friend started wearing one. I tried to convince all of my friends to not go to the maturation program, but they all went, and then I was the one who felt left out because they all got free maxi pads, and I didn't. 

I copied everything a friend of mine did and would act like it was my own idea. If she changed her handwriting, I would change mine to match. If she did her hair a certain way, I would too. She never called me out on it, but I’m sure it really bothered her and weirded her out. 

I practiced singing “The Star Spangled Banner” all the time and would even record myself so I could see how I sounded. 

I was horrible to my fifth grade teacher. I wrote her really mean notes all the time and convinced some of my classmates to do the same. She left our school after that year, and I'm pretty sure I'm what drove her away. Years later I wrote her a letter apologizing for my behavior. She didn’t respond. Then I saw her a few times when I was working in the school district as an adult. I didn’t bring it up, but she was really excited to see me and asked, “Do you still write?” 

(Yes, I do!)

When I was bored I would sit on my porch and count cars as they went by and try to name the make and model. 

I used to get so frustrated because I really wanted to "kick off [my] Sunday shoes" after church, but they always had buckles I had to undo first. I was also upset that I couldn't "rock around" the Christmas tree because it was up against a wall. 

Some of my childhood traits were normal and some were just silly, but there was a lot going on that I’ve had to work through. I hope I’m a little nicer and a little more mentally healthy now. 

I know some people wish they could be a kid again. I don’t.

Sunday Sentiments - Doubting my Doubts

Earlier this week, President Dallin H. Oaks gave his first public address since becoming the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. President Oaks has been more quiet than I expected over the past four months, so I was very interested in what he would say at the BYU Devotional (fun fact - if you increase the talk to 1.5x speed, he sounds 20 years younger). 

President Oaks talked about overcoming doubts, which happens to be a repetitive topic of study for me this week. 

(Do you ever find yourself stumbling across the same subject matter through various sources unintentionally in a short amount of time? It happens to me frequently!)

One of the things that troubles me most about our day is the sheer amount of deception we are exposed to. President Oaks said, “An abundance of speculation and false information in podcasts and on social media surrounds us.”

In 2019, Elder Lawrence E. Corbridge said, “Never has there been more information, misinformation, and disinformation; more goods, gadgets, and games; and more options, places to go, and things to see and do to occupy time and attention away from what is most important. And all of that and much more is disseminated instantaneously throughout the world by electronic media. This is a day of deception.”

I feel constantly overwhelmed by the information I’m exposed to everyday that I have sift through for truth. There are so many things going on in the world right now about which I don’t know what to believe. It’s getting harder and harder to know what’s true and what’s real. This week was especially rough in that regard.

In a weekly podcast called Seeking Jesus, the host, John Hilton III, shared a story about a man who worked for the US Treasury. During an interview after breaking up a large counterfeit ring, a reporter made a comment that the man must spend a lot of time studying counterfeit bills in order to recognize them so easily. The man replied, “No, I don’t ever study counterfeit bills. I spend my time studying genuine bills, then the imperfections are easy to recognize. There are a lot of counterfeits in the world.”

In mortality we have secular knowledge and spiritual knowledge. I don’t always know where to go to fact check secular learning, but I know where to go for my spiritual learning. We don’t have to let secular and spiritual knowledge be constantly at odds, though. 

D&C 88:78 states “Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand.” 

What is theory? Well, I think of it as a “best guess” based on collected data. Elder Corbridge explained that with the scientific method, “a hypothesis is framed in response to a question. Experimentation is then conducted to test the hypothesis. The results are then analyzed, and conclusions are drawn that either confirm, disprove, or modify the hypothesis - in which event the process continues.” 

Can science yield incorrect results? You bet! Research is always evolving. That’s why, when using the scientific method, “the process continues.” Research studies are often examined and repeated to find errors and to see if the outcome is the same. 

President Oaks said that we need both methods of gaining knowledge - the scientific method and the spiritual method. He said, “There is no ultimate conflict between knowledge gained by these different methods because God, our omnipotent Eternal Father, knows all truth and beckons us to learn by both methods.”

President Oaks shared this quote from Elder Richard L. Evans pertaining to contradictions arising between science and scripture,  “There may be some seeming discrepancies. Do not worry about them. Eternity is a long time. I have a great respect for learning, for academic endeavor and the university atmosphere. . . . I have a great respect for science and scientists and for the search for truth. But remember this: science after all (even when it is true and final and factual) is simply man’s discovering of a few things that God already knows and controls in his ordering of the universe. . . . God has not told us all he knows. We believe in continuous revelation. Be patient. Keep humble and balanced in all things.”

I, personally, am elated when a scientific study aligns with what I believe spiritually. I encountered this a lot when I was going to school to finish my degree in Marriage and Family Relations. For example, there is a lot of research on gratitude that aligns with what we’ve been taught through the scriptures and the prophets.  

Something I’ve tried to be more open about in recent years is that I don’t “know” that there is a God. I don’t “know” that the teachings of my Church are true. This isn’t a personal failure or a character flaw, and that’s something I’ve had to learn. The prophet Alma in the Book of Mormon said "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true" (Alma 32:21). 

Knowing is not required. 

You can believe something without knowing, and you can choose something without knowing. Right now I am choosing it, but I have doubts and questions all the time. 

Here are a few things that have helped me wade through doubt:

Acknowledge what I want

When I’m questioning an aspect of the gospel, I ask myself, “What do I want the outcome of this doubt to be?” Almost always, I just want a better understanding of a teaching or doctrine. Sometimes I just have to accept that I don’t get to know everything.

Write things down

Anytime I experience something I feel is evidence God exists, I write it down. Sometimes I write the experiences in depth in my journal, and sometimes I jot down a quick note on my phone. I often open the file on my phone and read through my list to remember God’s hand in my life. 

Find a corner

In 2020, I wrote about grasping corners. When you grasp the corner of a Clorox wipe and pull, more wipes will continue to follow unless you break the perforation. No matter what doubts I have, there are certain aspects of the gospel that I consider “corners.” When I grab hold of one of my corners and “pull,” additional truths follow. Corners are the things that make sense to me, that I believe in strongly, or that I can’t dispute. 

Study the genuine bills

Like the man who worked for the US Treasury and identified the counterfeits by studying authentic bills, I go to my most veritable sources of study. 

(May I interject with a book recommendation? Seekers Wanted by Anthony Sweat. Read my review here).

Recognize feelings of gloom and darkness 

One way I discern truth is simply by the way I feel. There is a sense of gloom and darkness that I experience when I delve into certain sources of information. The opposite of this feeling is the spirit of light, intelligence, and truth. One of the reasons I continue to choose to believe even though I face doubts is the feeling of light I have experienced through my belief.

Remember that humans make mistakes

When my doubts result from the behavior of others, I try to keep in mind that we are imperfect beings. In my own service in the Church, I have made mistakes. There are some things I’ve done in past positions I’ve held in the Church that I’m embarrassed about and wish I could do differently. I need to remember to extend the same kind of mercy toward others that I hope they might extend to me. 

Now, I'm not saying that someone should be allowed to get away with or be excused from the worst of sins - sexual assault and abuse to name a few. But sometimes a person makes a poor choice, says something offensive, makes you feel invisible, mistreats you because of your gender or life circumstances, or just flat out does something mean. I want my relationship with God to be stronger than any of that. And since I've done a lot of those things, I know that they are not always intentional. 

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Honestly, I will probably always have doubts. I never thought it would be this way, but I have more doubts now than I did when I was younger, but as a result of my doubts, I have taken time to study things out more earnestly. I've become more sincere in my faith. The reasons I practice certain values and principles have become more genuine. 

In the end, I often come back to this idea: if I die and God is not real, I will never know I was wrong. I'll just... end and be none the wiser. But I don't want to not believe in God, die, and find out I was wrong. Maybe that's not the best way to live my faith, but it an idea I embrace. 

Things You Ought to Know

What advice would you give your ten year younger self?

It doesn't matter. She wouldn't listen. 

If you came across $100 unexpectedly right note, what would you do with it?

Take a few friends to lunch. Or maybe just one friend considering how much it costs to go to lunch these days. 

What is one activity that makes you feel alive?

Riding rollercoatsers.

What makes you feel appreciated?

Genuine words of affirmation.

What is one thing you’ve learned this week?

The first person to be convicted by DNA evidence was serial rapist Tommie Lee Andrews in 1987. 

What’s one word that describes you?

Hungry.

What has been your greatest accomplishment this year?

I got my annual mammogram.

What is the most memorable life advice you’ve received?

Here are three pieces of advice I've always appreciated. 

What is one thing you wish someone would do for you?

I can't say because I have really nice friends, and they’ll do whatever I say, and then I will feel guilty. It's like when I joked about giving me gift baskets, and four people gave me gift baskets!

My gift basket spoils from Christie

What do you envy about other people’s relationships?

I'm a little jealous of people who have sisters that they are close to and get along with. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have another female on this earth that's kind of like me and maybe even looks like me. 

Then again, maybe that would be too weird.  

What is a memory or secret not many people know about?

I peed the bed at camp when I was 14 because I was terrified of using the makeshift litrine. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would like to be less easily annoyed. That's probably my biggest character flaw. 

Cornhole is annoying

What makes you feel insecure?

My snaggletooth and my hair. I've lost a ton of hair in the past four years. 

How do you like to spend your free time?

Reading, writing, watching shows, playing board games, and doing puzzles. 

What overwhelms you?

Trying to do things at the last minute. I'm not one of those people who works well under that kind of pressure. I freeze and can't function. 

What has made you laugh this week?

Sneaking around with my friend Christie and hanging up hot dogs. 

We call this a "wienering"

What is the most recent spontaneous thing you’ve done?

Deciding on a Thursday morning to go to California and leaving that night. 

What is one thing that didn’t work out for you in the past that you’re grateful for now?

The first offer we made on a house didn't get accepted, and I am so glad it didn't! 

What is a topic you could study for hours?

I have a list of 40. 

Who was the last person you saw in person?

Zoe. She's staring at me right now. 

Have you ever told someone you loved them and not meant it?

Nope.

How long does it take you to get ready?

15-45 minutes. Longer if my kids keep interrupting me. 

Things that turn my husband into a giddy little boy

(Stole this one from Cousin Cyndi). 

- Ice on Strawberry Reservoir 

- The Bros

- Vacation

A recent vacation

- Songs with lots of bass

- Enchiladas

- New episodes of Gold Rush or Alone

- Playing Bohnanza

One of our favorite card games

- Sleeping

- Maps

- Driving with the window down

- Hamburgers

Big Jud's

- Soda sales (buy 2 get 3 free)

- The Masters and the Open Championship

- Rope

Scotty swinging off the roof on his mission

- Soggy cereal

- Snakes and lizards

- Jungle Cruise jokes

- Peanut butter

- Finding golf balls

A small fraction of Scotty and Nicky's golf ball collection

Sunday Sentiments - Blessed are the Peacemakers

Things feel really uneasy in our community and in our nation right now. In many ways, that's nothing new, but in other ways, there are significant issues being brought to light, and with that comes heavy unrest. 

This week many of our local schools experienced walkouts pertaining to ICE operations. We've received multiple communications from the schools urging parents to help their kids protest outside of school hours due to safety and disrupted learning. The schools cannot physically prevent students from walking out, nor can they ensure their safety once they have left campus. 

The walkouts have taken place across multiple days, but my kids' schools took place on my day off (Wednesday). I was out running errands while the kids were walking, so I drove past them a few different times as they made their way a mile down the road. Then I caught a second wave of students a little later that were coming from the junior high. Everything seemed to be going well, but I noticed some vehicles parked near where the kids were gathering that I could tell by their decals and other indicators were not there to support the youth - they were there to harass them. A woman in a large SUV stopped, rolled down her window, and started yelling at the walkers. She completely blocked traffic (I had to find a way to go out and around her) so she could taunt and harass the kids. 

I heard stories of incidents in other areas where students were verbally and even physically harmed during their walkouts. One of our local junior high crowds had someone threaten to shoot them. They were 11-14 years old! I'm sure there was misbehavior on every side of the issue, but the thing that troubles me the most is that they were kids, and they were being harassed and threatened by adults. 

It sickens me. 

As if it were divinely planned, this week's Come Follow Me lesson talks of our role in building Zion. Zion is a term for a physical place but also a state of being. A "Zion" community would be a place where the people are of one heart and one mind and care for each other with great effectiveness. Some of the descriptions of a "Zion people" may sound like everyone needs to agree on every issue and conform to a designated system of beliefs, but that's not so. The point of Zion isn't conformity - it's to have differences and know how to love and respect each other anyway. 

"Unity does not require sameness, but it does require harmony. We can have our hearts knit together in love, be one in faith and doctrine, and still cheer for different teams, disagree on various political issues, debate about goals and the right way to achieve them, and many other such things. But we [should] never disagree or contend with anger or contempt for one another." - D. Todd Christofferson

The prophet, Enoch, and his people lived 

of one heart and of one mind

Along with Come Follow Me, our ward's lesson for Relief Society and Elder's Quorum this week is on Gary E. Stevenson's talk "Blessed are the Peacemakers" - a fascinating selection for a week filled with contention (and need we mention the Super Bowl and the discord that comes along with that? And let’s throw the Olympics in there, too).

I remember being in Sunday school when I was in my early twenties, and one of the men in our class made a comment that some of the wisest people he knows are people who know when to not say something - people who think before they speak and know when to not speak at all. What he was describing was more than Thumper's mantra, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all!" He was suggesting that we share less of our opinions and listen more than we speak.

This really struck me because, at that point in my life, I felt so compelled to share every opinion I had. How else would I be relevant? How else would people know where I stood? And mostly, how else would people know they were wrong if I didn’t correct them? That comment got in my head, and I really started paying attention to the ways I expressed myself. I started giving more thought to the things I said, but I also observed others, and I found his comment to be true. I gained wisdom in becoming more selective about things I said. 

When Jesus Christ was examined before Caiaphas prior to the crucifixion, as several people came forward to bear false witness against Him, "Jesus held his peace" (Mattew 26:63). He didn't defend himself or argue. He didn't tell his side of the story - He just remained silent.

Sometimes silence is wise, and sometimes speaking is wise. It is a gift to know the difference. 

"Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence." - Dallin H. Oaks

There have been many times in my life when the Spirit has cautioned me to hold my peace or to give it time. Usually it's when I'm experiencing some form of anger, and I have the urge to react. I’m actually very proud of myself for times I've held back and waited while every fiber of my being wanted to make a phone call or tell someone off (words are one of my biggest weapons). 

I remember one of the first times I successfully held my peace. Scotty and I were enforcing some discipline with Nicky at an extended family gathering when he was a toddler, and a family member overstepped her bounds and told Nicky he didn't have to do what we said. I was furious, of course, but a feeling came over me to not say anything. "Just wait." I felt like I would implode, but I held my peace against every natural urge I had. 

A few hours later, the family member called us and apologized. Without us saying anything, she realized that she had undermined us, and it had been inappropriate for her to do so. I'm not sure how things would have gone if I hadn't stayed silent, but I'm sure by holding my peace, we got the better outcome. 

Sometimes making a peace-promoting choice feels like surrender, but it actually takes a great amount of strength. It’s hard to forgive someone who will never apologize. It’s hard to let someone be wrong. It’s hard to not be listened to. Contention is an easy reaction, but the results are harmful. Peacemaking takes more strength and discipline, but brings more long-term happiness and positivity. 

I don’t always get it right. I’ve been a harborer of contention many times, but I’ve gotten better, and this week has reminded me to keep striving to be a peacemaker. 

Things I Don't Understand About the Modern Generation

I’m officially outdated. I’ve been on earth long enough to see the fashion trends of my junior high days resurface, and that proves it - I’m old news. I could be Benson Boone or Robert Irwin’s mother. I walk around judging the youngins and thinking they’re ridiculous. I want to comb their hair and pull up their pants! I want to tell them that they didn’t discover Green Day or the scrunchie, and those shoes they're wearing? Yeah. We already did that. 

I try to behave, though, and remember that the generation before me had similar qualms as they experienced my upbringing, and so it has gone for all of time. I'm sure as far back as the cavemen, the former generation thought, "What is wrong with kids these days? Why are they wearing their pelts like that and using all of those stupid, made up words?"

Respect for other generations aside, here are a few things I really don't understand about the current one:

Posting things to have them disappear

They have all sorts of everchanging rules for how they use social media, but one thing that has been consistent for a while is that if they post something, they use stories, and the posts disappear in 24 hours. It's not cool to post on the grid where it stays put. As a memory collector, this troubles me. Your memory and what you wrote just disappears! To me it's like writing a journal entry and throwing it away. 

(There are some things that are great to post in stories and have disappear, but your prom photo? Your graduation? Your mission call?)

Their hate for email

This is a new observation I've made since Nicky left on his mission. They detest email! For some reason they can send DMs just fine, but email grates them. This shocks me because I thought technology was their thing, and I thought that email was normal for them due to the way they utilize computers for their schoolwork, but that is not so! When Nicky was getting his mission papers ready, he needed to send an email, and he didn't know how! He could check his email and reply to an email, but he didn't know how to start an email from scratch. He had to ask me how to do it! I was shocked!

Now that email is the only way he can communicate with friends, I'm seeing how much they really hate using email. Almost every time he gets an email from a friend, there is some kind of comment in it about how much they don't like email. "Sorry I haven't emailed you for so long, I just really hate email," and the like. And a lot of them email him voice notes because they don't like to write. 

Wearing zit patches in public

I'm all for a zit patch in the privacy of your own home if it helps, but why are you wearing them to work? And in your school photos? You're pretty much giving me a map of where all your zits are when I probably wouldn't notice them otherwise. 

(And the stars? Seriously? But also, you know we can see the flesh colored ones, right?)

They won’t use a locker

I don't know how common this is, but my kids refuse to use lockers. Then they are burdened on days when they have extra stuff to carry. Lockers were our pride and joy when I was in high school! It's basically like having a school bedroom! And sure, they don't have to carry around as many books as we did, but they could keep some pretty amazing stuff in a locker if they would use one! How about some snacks? How about an extra hoodie in case you get cold one day? Do you realize you don't have to carry your lunch around with you all day? 

I can't tell you how many times my high schoolers have had a problem that could have been resolved by using a locker! But they refuse. 

The boys’ hair 

I can't even talk about what's going on with boys' hair these days. 

But I have to be honest, teenage boy hair trends have always been bad. 

Not wanting to drive

This one blows my mind the most. They don't want to drive! They don't want to get their drivers licenses. So many of them delay for years. 

When I was in high school, there was a kid who didn't get his drivers license until his senior year, and we all thought that was so weird. Now it's perfectly common for kids to graduate and still not have their license. Nicky was good to go and had no issues with driving, but I have pretty much had to force it on Daisy. If it were her choice, she wouldn't drive at all right now. It's so strange to me because "back in my day" we were so excited to drive.

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I thought I'd never be like this - so old, out of touch, and perturbed by modernity. Yet, here I am! In truth, I still feel young until I see a teenager look at me like I'm a hundred years old. Then I remember that, to them, if we are over the age of 28, we are as good as a hundred.