My CPAP & Me

Two years ago my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist to be assessed for ADHD. I was a little shocked when the psychiatrist referred me to a sleep doctor to be checked for sleep apnea. I didn’t, for one second, believe that I actually had sleep apnea, and I declined at first. I don’t remember what changed my mind. Perhaps just the possibility of eliminating sleep apnea so we could move on. 

When I got my results back from my sleep study, I was angry. I averaged over 25 “events” per hour which placed me at “moderate” sleep apnea. How could I stop breathing/wake up 25 times an hour and not know? The psychiatrist was right, and I felt like I was being scammed. 

My consolation prize, of course, was a CPAP machine.* Three months later, I went to a hospice center and picked up my supplies (it's humiliating enough to have sleep apnea - imagine my horror when they told me to go to the hospice center to get my machine. Hospice? Hospice???) Then I had to take a CPAP class to become fully integrated into The CPAP Club (next time I apply for a job, I’m adding this to the education section of my resume).

While I was prepping for my new lifestyle, some fellow CPAP users told me they'd noticed a difference pretty quickly after starting - they slept better, their brain fog cleared and their focus improved, and they started looking forward to using their CPAP at night. My doctor told me that it could take up to three months to get used to the CPAP and really feel a difference. Honestly, no one told me they hated it or struggled with it. But I hated it, and I struggled with it - both physically and mentally.

I gave it a diligent three months (I had to meet the criteria for insurance coverage). I didn't feel like anything improved. In fact, I felt like I slept worse with the CPAP, and I would tear it off at night and not remember doing it. Scotty said that when I used my CPAP I immediately stopped snoring and twitching. So I can't deny that it was doing something, but it wasn't making me feel better. It was only frustrating me. It was uncomfortable, and I felt like I couldn't breathe with the mask on. I didn't feel better rested or like my brain was clearing. I did, however, start to notice my sleep apnea. I knew I snored, and I knew I twitched, but what I didn't realize was that my airway really was closing off when I would lay down, and I started being able to feel it, but that sensation was less annoying to me than the mask.

I eventually stopped using the CPAP during my IDGARA era (sleep apnea was something I didn't give a rat's ass about). 

After a while I started getting phone calls from a sleep coach and letters from my insurance company scolding me for not using my CPAP. They track you, ya know! The machine reports your usage, and there's an app that gives you a score each night based on length of use, your mask seal, how many "events" you experience per hour, and how many times you remove your mask. 

(In my opinion you should earn points to redeem for prizes. If McDonald's rewards me for using their app, I think CPAP therapy should do the same). 

Eventually I started using it again, but first I went back to the hospice center and whined about how much I hated my CPAP and how I wasn't motivated to use it. I also whined to my sleep doctor. I don't know what I expected to accomplish through this whining, but I did it anyway! Everyone stayed adamant that I continue using my CPAP. 

I ended up trying a different mask, which I also hated. A few months later, I switched to a third style of mask, and hated that one, too. Then I went back to my second mask style and then back to my third. After a year and a half, I’d never had a night of CPAP therapy that I felt did me good.

When we went to Saint George last month, I was going to take my CPAP, but I wasn’t sure if I’d actually use it. I ended up not having time to pack it. I mean, I could have, but I was antsy to get on the road, so I chose to leave rather than pack my CPAP. Also, our van was full to the brim, so I didn’t want to take up any more space. We spent four nights away from home, and I had a hard time sleeping. 

On the first night back home, I returned to using my CPAP somewhat begrudgingly. But then it happened. I slept well. I felt good when I woke up. I liked being back on my CPAP! 

After nearly two years (August is my two year CPAPiversary), I have finally started feeling better when I use it, and I no longer hate it. I wouldn’t say I “love it” but I mildly respect the CPAP.

*A dental appliance is also an option, but my doctor strongly urged CPAP therapy because the dental appliance isn't as effective. I recently got a referral to a dental sleep center and would like to look into the appliance.

Sunday Sentiments - Likable Me

It’s been a while since I posted a Sunday Sentiment. Every week I have some sort of plan for what I might write, but I haven’t been able to fit it in. My Sundays have been brutal and frankly, unpleasant lately. 

It’s currently past 11:00 pm, and I’m going to do this! I’m going to post! It will probably be short, but that’s not a bad thing. I don’t know if anyone endures to the end during my lengthy ramblings (I have one in my draft folder about my CPAP machine, so get excited)!

I’ll just share a couple of quick thoughts. This week I listened to a podcast episode from Twenty Something called “The One Word That Saved His Life” which was shared by a friend of mine (so thanks, Friend. It was a really good episode!)

I’m actually shocked to see the title of the episode because I have no idea what the “one word” was. Now I feel like I need to go back and scan the transcript. Or maybe one of you dear readers could go listen and come back and tell me? Cuz that was not my takeaway at all!

Anyway, this episode is an interview with a man named Todd Sylvester. He tells his story of hitting rock bottom, and how he turned his life around. I won’t recount his story, but there was one thing that really stood out to me. There was a point in his life where he was prompted to perform a particular service for another person. After his first time engaging in this act of service, he realized he liked who he was when he was doing it. 

Those words, “I liked who I was,” really resonated with me. I have spent a lot of time feeling bad about myself and not liking myself. I’m especially struggling with these feelings right now, but I have experienced times when I’ve felt like Todd felt when he was serving someone else. I’ve had times when I liked who I was. In Todd’s case, it was a necessary experience to get himself on track to change his life. He needed to see a version of himself that he liked so he could know what he was capable of.

A few years ago, I was beating myself up over some of my character flaws. Let me have an honest moment here: sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I have a really rotten attitude, and I take it out on other people. Sometimes it’s hard for me to be nice - to the extent that, when I am being nice, I feel fake. I feel like people see right through me, and they know I’m not really a nice person. 

During some chats with God (which sometimes take the form of prayer, and other times consist of me “think yelling” at Him), I discussed the fact that I’m not a nice person, and that when I am being nice, I’m “masking.” I whined about it a bit (like I do), and then a thought came to me: “You have confused which one is the mask.” Then I realized that Nice Britt is who I really am. Mean Britt is actually the mask. I am mean when I feel insecure, scared, powerless, or overwhelmed. When I’m experiencing anxiety or depression. Or when I don’t know my place. That is the mask. It’s not who I really am.

When I am my truest self, I like who I am. 

Since listening to that podcast, I’ve been thinking a lot about what version of myself I really like. What moments have I been my best self? When have I really liked me? 

Definitely some of my most likable moments have involved service or other Christ-like actions. I like myself best when I’m being a disciple. I also like the creative, productive, social version of me, but she won’t come back til about November. 

One final thought from the podcast was this:

“The most delightful surprise in life is to suddenly recognize that there is nothing wrong with you.”

If you’re in a place right now (like me) where you are struggling with your self worth and constantly thinking about your shortcomings, mess around a bit with the idea that there’s nothing wrong with you! This is new to me, so I can’t say yet if it helped me overcome some of my negative thinking, but I’m trying to embrace it.

I hope I can become a version of me, over time, that I can become proud of. 

Now it’s past midnight, so it’s technically Monday (but I will gaslight you by changing the date and time when I post this). I have fallen asleep at least six times while typing this. I’ll definitely need to do a Monday morning proof reading because I’m not even sure what I’m typing right now. 

 (Remember at the beginning of this post when I said it would probably be short? That was just me being silly).

Someday I'll Write A Real Blog Post, But Today is Not That Day (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: As of today, it has been an entire year since I've seen my son. Sometimes when I think about our religious practices, I see that we are nuts. If our children choose to do so, we send them out into the world without us for 18-24 months to be mistreated and rejected and who knows what else! We give 10% of our money to God (through the Church).* And we wear an extra layer of clothing. It all sounds absurd! 

Last time I saw my son in person

heading to the CCM (Missionary Training Center in Mexico City)

Fact #2: I see phantom packages on my neighbors' porches. We are pretty good at letting each other know when there is a package that hasn't been brought in, and pretty much every day I think I see one when there isn't really anything there. I do a package double-take and am glad I didn't text anyone that there was a package on their porch. This is very much a psychological trip of the modern era. I experience phantom phone rings and see phantom Amazon boxes. 

Fact #3: I really want to do a post about all the weird things in my house, but I don't know when I'll ever take the time (it would require photographic support and effort). So here is just a little taste of how things run in my household: I have a kid who lives in a tent.

This is her second summer spent in a tent. Last summer I had two kids in tents. This year we've reduced tent living by half. 

Fact #4: One of my favorite things to experience on my phone is doorbell footage of the neighbor boy coming over to play. 

And yes, that one was at 9:30 pm after dark in his 4th of July fit. He cracks me up!

Fact #5: The other day, Nicky showed us on our video chat how his left armpit has blue stains from carrying a Book of Mormon under his arm in the Puerto Rican climate. 

Pardon my chins

Fact #6: I sent Nicky new shirts and new shoes for the second half of his mission, and he refuses to use them. I have a kid who doesn't like to have anything new. He just wants to wear everything out until it's threadbare and hanging off his body. He will take an old, second-hand, pit stained shirt any day over something fresh, clean, and new. Pretty much every week he shows us some gross, "new" clothing item that someone gave him or that he found in the street that he is so excited about, and he'll say stuff like, "I'm never going to wash this because I want it to always smell like the old man that gave it to me." It's going to be a riot going through his suitcase when he comes home. 

Fact #7: Nicky's mission didn't require a suit, so we didn't send him with one, but he managed to scrounge up a used one from another missionary while he's been out there. 

New mission president & companion

Fact #8: We got a good laugh over Nicky's new haircut a few weeks ago. He went to the barbershop and told them to do whatever they wanted. This was the result:

Fact #9: The other day I was out running errands, and while I waited at the pharmacy, I realized I didn't have on a bra. I probably could have gotten away with it, and no one would have noticed or cared, but I didn't feel quite that ambitious. I had a few more hours of outings and no time to stop back home, so I had to buy a bra while I was at Target and find a discreet place in the parking lot at my hair appointment to put it on. 

Fact #10: While I was typing this post, I got a heat warning (for weather) on my computer. Most of my family is currently outside at various events, so lucky them! I'll just enjoy hanging out in my house with the swamp cooler blasting (we still don't have central air - we needed to replace our cooler this year, and we wondered if it was time to change to central air, but when we considered the cost, we decided we have at least one more swamp cooler to go!)

*I know there are so many people who think this is a corrupt and horrible expectation, but I still firmly believe in tithing. I have had too much good in my life attributed to paying tithing to deny that it is a holy and blessed practice. While there are many beliefs and commandments in my faith that I have questioned or disagreed with, tithing is one thing I stand firm on! 

Currently (July 2026 Edition)

Reading:

Realizing: that baked goods containing zucchini stress me out, and it’s okay if I don’t make zucchini bread, cookies, muffins, or brownies ever again. 

Craving: sloppy joes and a teriyaki rice bowl, but not simultaneously. 

Trying: to eat out less. 

Changing: nothing. Because I’m old and stuck in my ways (so I’m not doing very well at eating out less as forementioned).

Watching:

Wearing: a Smith & Edwards t-shirt and the only shorts I currently fit into.

Enjoying: all forms of air conditioning. 

Dreading: hotter temps. 

Buying: hat organizers for my husband’s ridiculous collection of free baseball caps. He has so many, and they are all from vendors and golf tournaments. 

Eating: meals planned around Scotty’s free birthday food. Yesterday we redeemed his free burger at Red Robin. 

Procrastinating: getting new cpap supplies. 

Singing: Mystical Magical

Playing: our annual round of Clue for Chad and Scotty’s birthdays. I found The Simpson’s Clue for $4 at DI a few weeks ago.

We also played Hanabi for the first time in several years.

Celebrating: Scotty’s birthday. He turned 45 on Thursday. Time for a colonoscopy! We went to Lagoon, Red Robin, and Desert Star on his birthday. It was fun, yummy, and exhausting.

Suffering from: dry eyes, which is very different from what I would assume by the term “dry eyes.” It’s an absolutely miserable condition. I just thought dry eyes meant your eyes were a wee bit dry, and some eye drops would fix it. No, no, no. My eyes burn and water constantly (it’s happening even as I write this). My eye doctor told me that my eye oils “should be like vegetable oil, but yours are like Crisco,” and he likes to squeeze the oil out of my eyes (I skipped my appointment this year to prevent the squeezing - I think, for him, there’s a joy in it, like people who like to pop zits). 

My attempts at treating the condition include taking fish oil, using eye drops, and using a heated eye mask (“warm compresses” to melt my Crisco). I’ve also used a prescription eye drop that you can only use for one round every three months, and it was ridiculously expensive and didn’t help at all (I did two rounds). 

My one remaining option is to do light therapy, which costs a couple thousand dollars. If I knew it would work, I would save up the money, and do it, but nothing works on me ever, so I’m not willing to take the financial risk and walk away with no results. 

Wondering: if it’s normal for kids to constantly argue with their friends, or if my kids and their friends are weird. 

Feeling: not my best. I always struggle with depression in the summer, and every year I think it will be the year I don’t, and then it hits by the end of June.

Tired of: divisiveness over every little thing. I’m consistently appalled by the things people will argue about. I could say “I clipped my toenails today” and some anti-toenail clipper will come out of the woodwork and start a debate over toenail maintenance. 

Loving: the permanent holiday lights that Scotty installed on our house. We rocked the red, white, and blue.

Looking forward to: a little vacation we’re taking near the end of this month. 

Planning: meals for the next week that will hopefully use up some of what we have in our freezer.

Annoyed by: potato bugs, earwigs, and mosquitoes.

Struggling with: giving other people grace. I’m frustrated and unsympathetic right now. 

Grateful for: any time I get decent sleep.

An Incomplete List of Reasons I am Happy

1. One of my bathrooms is clean (or at least it was 12 hours ago. I don’t know what’s gone on in there since).

2. Next week is Nicky’s one year mark for his mission. 

3. My girls are going camping with their grandma in a few days, and this means A) activities and a change of scenery for them and B) a bit of a break for me.

4. I have tickets to see Derek Hough this week.

5. I’m watching 30 Rock for the (who knows)th time!

6. I’ve done lots of things with my friends recently, and I love them so much.

7. My favorite shorts are clean(ish).

8. I have $110 in Sam’s Cash and a $66 credit to Costco.

9. We have permanent holiday lights on our house, and they are rocking the red, white, and blue.

10. I found a missing purse, two missing gift cards, and a missing flip flop yesterday.

An Incomplete List of Reasons I’m Ornery

1. It’s hot, and it’s only going to get worse. Something is always sweaty, and sweat makes me itch. 

2. My clothes are uncomfortable.

3. My kids won’t stop fighting.

4. I can’t hear anything. I’ve had my hearing checked, and they’ve said it’s fine, but everything sounds muffled to me. I constantly have to ask people to repeat themselves, and I hate it. 

5. My house is always a mess.

6. I have neuropathy, and I’m in pain all the time. Some days it’s worse than others. There’s never a moment I can’t feel it. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of it (I take medication, but it only helps a little).

7. Because of the medication, I’m gaining weight and tired all the time. I’ve talked to my doctor about other medications, and the other options also cause weight gain and drowsiness. 

8. Potato bugs

9. We are in a drought, and I just want there to be water aplenty and no more fires (it’s only beginning).

10. Social media

11. My hair bugs me.

12. I have sleep apnea, and my CPAP stresses me out. Replacing the supplies, filling it with water, cleaning it… (if I die in my sleep, tell them I never cleaned my CPAP). 

—————

This post makes me sound like a miserable, old hag. I have my moments, but it isn’t all bad. So to provide balance in my life (and convince you that I’m not as horrible as I sound), my next post will be an incomplete list of reasons my life is amazing.

It's Father's Day (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: We took our girls fishing last week, and I found my spirit animal.

The only way to eat cheese

Daisy and her fish (she caught 4)

Fact #2: The other day Scotty used AI to pick his clothes to go see Back to the Future. AI dressed him to match the carpet of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. 

I saw an alarming number of elderly men at Eccles Theatre dressed the same way. 

Fact #3: My friend Carlie and I got matching shirts. I will not say which of us is more suited to this particular design.

(Honestly, it just depends on the day).

Fact #4: Whenever I think about past versions of myself, I realize what an idiot I used to be. The problem is, in each phase of my life, I have been an idiot. That means I’m an idiot right now, I just don’t know it yet. 

Fact #5: We went to see Toy Story 5, and I thought it was pretty good! It made me nostalgic for Little Nicky (not the Adam Sandler Little Nicky, but the little kid version of my son, Nicky). 

Speaking of Adam Sandler

Fact #6: On our way out of the movie theater, a bird pooped on me. It splattered all over my shirt. I thought someone had thrown something at me!

Fact #7: With all of the merchandise for the semi quincentennial that's been in stores for months, I feel like it's been the 4th of July for... well... months. How is it still almost two weeks away? I’m ready to move on with my life. 

Fact #8: Good news, though! If you go to Hobby Lobby right now, you can get your fall decor. Never mind that it's June. Your scarecrow is calling!

Fact #9: Speaking of movies (see Fact #5), I took my kids to see The Breadwinner, and I really liked it. I didn't expect that! I don't know if anyone else agrees because I haven't talked to a single other person who has seen it.

Fact #10: We also saw Masters of the Universe. I slept through a big chunk of it, but it was worth being there just to hear Scotty and his friend Chad geek out together afterward. Also, I think He-Man and I have the same haircut. Mine is unintentional (I currently do not have "hair agency" - as in, I have no choice in what my hair does right now).