Currently (August 2025 Editon)

 Reading:

Wearing: a Beauty and the Beast shirt and cut off shorts. 

Singing: Stargazing

Craving: rocky road ice cream. 

Listening to: 

Buying: food. Always.

Laughing about: Daisy watching Friends and trying to navigate the Ross and Rachel dynamic. 

Celebrating: Nicky being on his mission for a month (and two days).

Eating: eggs. We had lots of eggs in our fridge, and then we had five dozen eggs delivered mistakenly to our house from Sam's Club. Meanwhile, the chickens keep laying, so the eggs are accumulating rapidly. 

Suffering from: a sting in my palm from this fuzzy beast of a thing 

Proud of myself for: being caught up on medical bills (but every time I get them paid off, two new ones show up in the mail, and I saw in my email preview of what's being delivered today that there are, indeed, two bills coming). 

Missing: texting Amber. I have something to tell her every day, and every time the urge pops into my head, I have to acknowledge that she's gone. 

Enjoying: gong to work at 5:00 a.m. I know that sounds crazy, but I love it. I go in really early, work between 4-6 hours, and then get home and take a nap. I hate the nap part, but I have a really hard time leaving my kids home unsupervised, so at least that way I get to work but still be home to break up their stupid fights and make sure they aren't on electronics all day (but they still get way more electronic time than they should). 

Sick of: everything being controversial. It's one thing to have politics and religion dividing society, but we're divided by everything from the kind of socks we wear to the vitamins we take. It's stupid. 

Hoping: to bottle some green beans this weekend. I need to muster the strength to do the work. I'm always grateful when I do it, but it's just a matter of finding the time and energy. 

Wanting: a Maverik hoodie or t-shirt. I love getting drinks from Maverik, and it's one of my preferred destinations for bathroom stops on a road trip. However, the merch doesn't mean as much when I'm off soda, as I have currently been for 32 days. Yes, I keep count. I always keep count. Thirty-two days there has been a hole in my soul that nothing else fills.

Feeling: tired because it's 1:00 p.m. and that's when I crash every day and need to take a nap.

Cooking: biscuits and gravy and scrambled eggs (see "eating" above). 

Avoiding: anything to do with cleaning. 

Needing: to go pick up my prescriptions. This is something I always procrastinate.

Grateful for: photos. Particularly ones from Mexico Ciry. 

I quit soda when he left.

He started.

Mid -Year Check-In

What’s been new in your life since January?

The biggest change between January and now is that Nicky graduated high school and left on a mission.

Nicky in Mexico City during the daily rainstorm

What were you doing in July of last year?

Cooking daily meals for 150 people at girls camp.

What do you dislike about July?

The heat!!!

What kind of energy have you been carrying?

None. Nada. I have no energy currently. The energy hath run out.

What are you most grateful for in your life right now?

Scotty.

What career goals have you accomplished in the last six months?

None. Because I don’t have any. 

Review your financial goals from January to July. Are you  on track?

Yes!

Have you achieved any goals that you set at the start of the year?

This year I made a list of non-resolutions, and I’m happy to report I’ve quit drinking soda, and we’ve paid off our house. Other accomplishments are under way.

If you could change one thing about the first half of this year, what would it be?

There are a few interactions with Nicky I would like a do-over for.

Have your priorities shifted since the beginning of the year?

Yes, but not in a way that I can explain. I just know that what’s most important in my heart is a little different now than it was six months ago. 

What are you holding on to from last year that you haven’t been able to release??

Last year I turned 40, and I lost myself. I didn’t expect it. I thought I was going to turn 40 and thrive, but instead I became an angry, hormonal, mentally unstable stranger. I went to a psychiatrist, and it didn’t help. I got checked for PCOS and perimenopause (no and no). I took meds for ADHD (didn’t help). I don’t know what happened to me. It still lingers, whatever it is, but I’m starting to feel a little more like myself again.

What tasks do you keep postponing?

Mostly things pertaining to health. As per the last question and answer, I feel really discouraged about medical care, so I’m hesitant to address anything pertaining to my health anymore. 

What self-care activities have you been doing these past six months?

I hadn’t done a lot of self-care until a few weeks ago when I checked into a hotel by myself for a night and went and got a massage the next morning. It was much needed, and I need to make it an annual thing.

Have you experienced any unexpected blessings in the past six months?

Oh course! But am I supposed to remember what they are? 

We’ve had a lot of blessings pertaining to Nicky’s mission. We have some friends and family making contributions toward the monthly cost of the mission. Someone in our ward purchased Nicky’s luggage. Grandparents purchased his temple clothing. We’ve also had a lot of people in the right place at the right time. I can’t even tell you how many times in the past few months there has been a person right where/when I needed them to be. 

What’s been occupying your mind and heart the most over the past six months?

Nicky. There have been signs. 

Have you made any new connections since January?

Not that I can think of, but I’ve reconnected with a few people I hadn’t seen in a while and got to know some people better.

What have you spent the most time doing in the past six months?

Driving, working, and Marco Polo-ing Shannon and Laurel.

What are your hopes and aspirations for the rest of the year?

I just want to be mentally and financially stable. 

Things I've Watched Lately, and What I Have to Say About Them

I grew up saying, "I know you are, but what am I?" and "That's my name, don't wear it out!" so I thought I'd really like the Pee-Wee documentary. To be honest, I never finished it, so I can't really give a final opinion of it, but I've watched the first half and haven't felt drawn back to it at all. 

Do I recommend? Not really.

The Essex Serpent is based on a book (which I've never heard of, so obviously have never read). I watched the show and considered it "just okay" - something to pass the time at work. But then after it ended, I kind of missed it. Isn't that such a weird phenomenon? I am confused about some of the story, though, and need to go read a Wikipedia page or something. 

Do I recommend? Not sure. 

You know I had to watch the documentary about the poop cruise! Oh.my.heck. I couldn't stop thinking about this for days. 

Would I recommend? Well... I can't really recommend poop. But if you watch it, let me know. 

Con Mum was a really interesting story, but I've already forgotten a lot of the details. It’s a documentary about a man who is contacted by his supposed birth mother, and well… the title is kind of a spoiler.

Would I recommend? If you need something to pass the time. I more listened to it than watched it. 

The Mortician absolutely fascinated me. It’s a documentary about a family that ran a generations-old mortuary in the 80’s and ran some pretty sketchy schemes. It's a level of macabre that intrigues me. It also made me feel sick. 

Would I recommend? Not if you're squeamish. 

This documentary made me realize that, while I have a certain love for Robin Williams, I don't actually find him very funny. I was kind of put off by his foul language and crassness. 

Would I recommend? There are better ways to spend your time. 

This is a really short documentary about some prisoners who make quilts for foster kids. 

Would I recommend? Maybe. It's only about 30 minutes long, but it has some language. 

I loved the Barbara Walters documentary. I used to watch a lot of her interviews on 20/20, and I used to regularly watch The View when she was on it. I enjoyed learning more about her career. I especially liked seeing the footage from her last episode of The View. It was a real “girl power” moment. 

Would I recommend? Yes, if you're into this sort of thing. 

The New Look is about Christian Dior and Coco Chanel during WWII. It’s interesting from a historical perspective and explores some intriguing ethical questions, but Coco drove me nuts, and in the end it kind of felt like homework to try and finish the series. I did like the exploration of creativity as a healing mechanism, though. It made me think of Elder Uchdorf’s talk, Happiness, Your Heritage, where he talks about the fulfillment that comes from creating something that didn’t previously exist and how it’s one of our greatest human yearnings. 

Would I recommend? Not with great enthusiasm, but I know there are some people who would really like this show. It does have language and war time violence, though.

Scotty and I just started watching Untamed yesterday, and we are three episodes in. I’ll say this: the opening scene is one of the most catching I’ve ever seen. It is so gripping. Now I need to finish the limited series so I can have a full opinion of it.

I have simultaneously been listening to the podcast, Uinta Triangle, which makes for a compelling wilderness curriculum. In some ways, Uinta Triangle makes Untamed more interesting, but in other ways, it makes Untamed far less believable (oh really, you immediately found that itty bitty scrap of evidence in a National Park that’s the size of Rhode Island, yet it took five years to locate any remnant of Eric Robinson in a much smaller area of the Uinta mountains?)

But one must be somewhat forgiving for the sake of TV. 

As a side note, Scotty was backpacking in the area where Eric Robinson went missing when he went missing, so Scotty has always had a significant interest in anything to do with the missing Aussie. Likewise, I was in the Uintas when Garrett Bardsley went missing, so Scotty and I have independently had the experience of being off the grid and being met with a search and rescue effort, and it definitely makes you obsessed with the outcome. Garrett would be 33 years old now, and he has never been found. 

But back to the TV show… would I recommend? Maybe. I still have work to do. 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 35

“I look like a bully from a Disney Channel original movie.”

-Nicky after a drastic haircut

—————

“I hope Lorelai ends up with Jess, bro!”

-Nicky on Gilmore Girls

—————

Girls: Where did you go on your honeymoon?

Us: We went on a cruise.

Zoe: On what ship? The Titanic?

—————

“All your friends look like Britney Spears.”

-Eva looking at my high school photos

—————

Me: I hate quinoa.

Daisy: Who’s that?

—————

“My kids are going to be spoiled because I don’t want them to have a stupid childhood like me. I’m even going to let them swear!”

-Eva, who has had a stupid childhood and isn’t allowed to swear

—————

“My cast smells like cheese.”

-Zoe with her broken arm

—————

“Our family puts the ‘fun’ in funeral!”

-Zoe

—————

Eva: Are we rich?

Zoe: No, we’re class middle.

—————

Grandma: Sounds like you need to do your chores.

Zoe: That’s not really my thing.

—————

Grandpa: Your uncles Kyle and Drew are 1/4 Finnish.

Zoe: Oooohhhhh. That explains Kyle’s Finnish accent.

(Kyle does not have a Finnish accent)

Summer Updates

This summer has been very different from any other summer. I think that will be said of many upcoming summers as well. With the ages of my kids and the life phases we are going through, summers aren’t going to be the same anymore. This is neither better nor worse - it’s just different. 

June was crazy. Actually, it’s been crazy going back to March. From the moment Nicky turned in his mission papers, life moved at full speed, and we hardly had a moment to breathe. But June was the capstone. There were things that naturally existed due to, once again, the ages of our kids and our current life phase, things like - end of school events, mission prep, girls camp, summer school, etc. but then there were the unforeseen events like Nicky’s leg injury, Zoe’s broken arm, Amber’s death, and Eva’s dog bite. Those just added to the chaos. 

Now I’ve hit the halt. This is the first week since March that hasn’t been jam packed with event after event, and between the slowing down and Nicky being gone, I’m a little lost. 

The day after Nicky left, I went and stayed at a hotel all by myself. I’d planned it a few weeks ago but didn’t book it until two days before. I almost didn’t do it, especially after Eva got bitten by the dog, and we acquired another medical bill. But Scotty urged me and booked the hotel for me, so I went! And then I made an appointment for a massage the next day. 

I went to dinner and then just hung out at the hotel alone. I cleaned up some files on my laptop, worked on my Relief Society lesson, and watched a documentary. I slept horribly (my norm right now), went to the continental breakfast by myself (that felt weird), and then checked out and went to my massage. I decided I need to do this once a month, and when I got home, I declared this to Scotty and told him we are going to need a lot of money on the side for my new routine. 

I’ve hit the point of summer where I’m overheated and out of energy. I haven’t done my traditional complaining about how much I hate summer yet, but just know, I hate summer. I just want to sleep it away.

Four weeks until school. There are pros and cons to this. Mostly pros, from my perspective, but the big con is that Zoe has to start junior high, and the thought of it makes me absolutely sick. I’ll have kids in three different schools again. Daisy will be able to get her drivers license in September, so hopefully that helps, but I’m a little worried about her driving skills. 

Anyway, I don’t have any fancy way to wrap up this post, but I wanted to do a little update, so there you go.

Unfathomable

Nearly three weeks ago, our world was shaken when my sister-in-law, Amber, passed away. She had a medical episode in the middle of the night and didn't make it. She was 46, only a few years older than me. I've been wanting to write about her, but I haven't really had the words.

Save for my grandma, Amber is the closest person I've lost. My grandma's passing was expected, though. Amber's was not. Strangely, Amber passed away on the same date as my brother, James. 

I don't know when it will feel real, but so far, it's completely unfathomable and hasn't sunken in. How can Amber just cease to exist? Every day since her death I've gone to text her or forward her a reel on Instagram, and I have to remind myself that she's no longer with us. 

We celebrated Amber's life with a memorial service last week. 

Amber’s memorial service began at 11:11

For the past 20 years, Amber and I have joked about her "funeral file." Any time Amber sent me a sappy text or said something sentimental, I would jokingly say, "I'm putting that in your funeral file." I told her that I would reveal all of her tender-hearted secrets at her funeral, but it wasn't supposed to happen until both of us were old and out of our minds. 

My nephews watching a slideshow about Amber

I had the opportunity to speak at her service. As I contemplated what to share, I found that I had way too much I could say - stories and memories galore. I kept it short and wrote a poem - kind of nerdy-like. But that kept me from rambling or getting too descriptive. I realized, though, as I recalled so many of my experiences with Amber, that she was one of my favorite people to laugh with. That's what I'll miss the most - the funny stuff and the time we spent laughing together. 

Here are some posts about Amber:

Getting lost on the way to Glitter Mountain

Tim and Amber's wedding

Our spontaneous trip to California during COVID

That time our boat broke down 

A trip to Saint George

The day we spent watching over a dead deer

The year we passed the pinata back and forth 

New Year's in Phoenix

Thanksgiving in California

Spring break in Saint George (when we got Amber to hike!)

I think the reality of this loss will come in bits and pieces as we try to move forward. Family events will feel very different without Amber’s dominant personality and sass. There will be a sense of emptiness and a strange quiet we won’t know how to navigate. 

And He's Off!

Yesterday Nicky officially left home to serve his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He did ten days of training from home, and now he is safe and secure in the Mexico City Missionary Training Center for the next five weeks. He'll be having a rigorous education in the Spanish language, and then in August he will head to Puerto Rico!

(That's the first time I've written his mission location on the blog). 

We spent all day Wednesday getting him packed and ready to go. We bought him two pairs of mission shoes a few weeks ago, and the stinker never tried on the black pair (we bought them online), so when he finally put them on, he was shocked that they didn't fit. That left us scrambling for another pair of shoes at the last minute. 

Then I kept thinking of things like, "Oh! I better put tweezers in his luggage!" (he stepped on a cactus two weeks ago and still has some spines in his foot - which makes me nervous). And "Oh! He might need a Sharpie to write his name on stuff!" Early yesterday morning I was worried that his apartments might not have a can opener. Is my son smart enough to buy a can opener if he needs one? I'm not so sure. What about scissors? I made sure to get him some toenail clippers because I know he won't buy any! He'll just gnaw his toenails off or wait for them to break off on their own. 

I packed him a bunch of stuff I know he'll never use - like an umbrella and an apron. We packed one large suitcase and one small suitcase, which is less luggage than he is allowed (two large suitcases and one carryon), and he still had a bit of space. I hope we didn't forget anything. If Nicky had his way, he'd just have a backpack with one change of clothes and maybe a toothbrush, and that's it. 

I had no idea how I would feel sending him off. I was okay until it was time to say goodbye, and he got teary eyed and a little emotional, which made me get teary eyed and a little emotional. Truth be told, two years is dang long. 

Dang.

Long.

I know I'm not the first mother to do this - I'm not special - but holy moly. What a unique heartbreak it causes to send your child out into the world. A friend said to me today, "Your child is right where you want them to be, yet it's still so hard to let them go." Amen, friend. Amen!

We were told that he would be able to email us to let us know he made it to Mexico City. The email finally came at 9:11 pm. He's fine, and he's happy. And I’m relieved, and I can’t wait to hear from him again. 

I wrote back and told him that if he has a liquid Code Brown, there is Imodium and Pepto in his suitcase. Does my kid know what to do if he gets diarrhea in Mexico? Probably not. Will he listen to me? Probably not. But at least I tried. The care of his bowels is entirely up to him now. 

His toenail maintenance is entirely up to him now.

His can opening method is entirely up to him now.

Can this boy live without his mom? I hope so, and yet, I hope not.