Pandemic Palooza: One Year

Last year I started calling our quarantine time "Pandemic Palooza." I had a much smaller time frame in mind. Then I read up on the Spanish Flu and realized that two years was a much more likely timeline than two weeks. So for the past year, I've had the mindset that any pandemic that lasts less than two years is pretty sweet!

The schedule I wrote out the night before the earthquake. All plans were dropped as soon as the earth started shaking. 

When the pandemic-versary came along, I didn't really have the heart to write about how things are now (my brother-in-law passed away that week, and I was also dealing with health issues), but I hoped to be able to later. Here are how things are a year + two-ish weeks into the pandemic.

My current COVID mentality...

I'm in a place of waiting. For the past month, I haven't been following the COVID news as closely as I used to, so there's a lot going on that I'm not current on. I haven't checked the case counts in weeks. 

I'm just hanging out. Waiting patiently. And that's fine. 

(I've also been pretty distracted by other things going on in my life, so COVID isn't at the forefront of my mind). 

Masks...

Masks have been mandated in Utah since fall of last year. They have been mandated in Salt Lake County since July. The state-wide mandate is scheduled to end April 10. 

Things I don’t hate about masks...

• If I want to get “all dolled up,” I really only have to put on mascara.
• I smell a lot less of other people’s breath.
• If I have a horrendous zit, it usually gets covered.
• I post more photos of my kids on my blog.

Earthquake things...

I'm still a little jumpy about any vibrations in the earth. When planes fly over our house or semi-trucks go by and things shake ever so slightly, I do this thing I call my "earthquake stance" where I plant my feet firmly on the floor and stand in such a way as to assess the rumblings to see if it's an earthquake. I started doing that habitually during the earthquakes last year.  I also have earthquake dreams pretty regularly. I don't feel like I'm paranoid or irrationally afraid of earthquakes, but I've taken on some habitual earthquake responses. 

Things that make me laugh...

I remember a few weeks before lockdown when Costco announced that they were going to stop doing samples. Now I think it's hilarious that Costco let’s you look at samples. You can't try the food, but you can look at it behind a plastic partition. 

Church...

We are now able to attend sacrament meeting every week (first we weren't and they we were and then we weren't). Two weeks ago, our youth started having Sunday school and YM/YW lessons in-person on Sundays. Our ward is not currently holding any in-person activities. The adults are not meeting, and the primary is not meeting. 

I still have two callings - primary music leader and ministering secretary. I'm on deck, just waiting to be activated (though I have to confess, I've forgotten a lot of the lyrics to primary songs). We got a new primary presidency recently, so when we do go back, that will be different.

A text message to my sister-in-law from her friend on the day of the earthquake

Restaurants...

Some of the restaurants we've been to recently no longer block tables for social distancing. The first time I sat in a booth with someone's head right behind mine kind of freaked me out. I've spent the last year of my life keeping my distance from everyone, so having a stranger a few inches away from me made the hair on my neck stand up. I love me some good eavesdropping, but I felt like I was sitting right in the middle of someone else's conversation. 

Vaccines....

As of this week, the vaccines in Utah are open to all 16+. Scotty and I will be getting the vaccine. This is a decision we have made through research and prayer. 

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One thing I have loved so much about having a blog for over 15 years is that it provides me with a record of my life and the growing years of my children. Posts like this become so important to me later when details fade. I'll probably continue adding to this post as I think of additional things I want to document after a year of COVID.  

Speaking of Pain

Let's talk about the Wong-Baker pain rating scale.

Because you guys, this thing stresses me out.

The first time I was ever presented with the faces and asked what my pain level was was when I was in labor with Nicky. In the years since having my first baby, I've had the opportunity to rate my pain in labor and non-labor situations, and I always overthink it. 

I might feel like a 10, but there's no way I'm ever going to say that! Worst possible pain? How do I know? Sounds like an opportunity to be proven wrong!

So I can never be a 10. 

But if I'm in very serious, all-consuming pain, I need to rate it as close to 10 as possible while still allowing space in case it gets worse. That makes me lean toward 8 as my highest possible initial rating. That way, if it gets worse, I know I have room to progress to 9.

Then there's the matter of being taken seriously. I don't want to give myself any rating that doesn't match my behavior, so if I rate myself an 8, I want to make sure I'm acting how an 8 would act. I don't want a doctor hearing "8" but seeing "5" and then disregarding me as a credible pain evaluator. So that makes me prone to underrating my pain. But then I worry if I'm too low on the scale, my pain isn't severe enough to address.

Then again, if I'm able to sit and think about it in this depth, I'm probably not in 9 or 10 sort of pain. I think if the pain is that bad, you just shout "TEN!" You don't take the time to think about it. 

Perhaps what really matters, though, is not the way your pain compares to someone else's or even to your own pain of the past, but how it compares to itself before/during/after treatments have been applied or time has passed. 

In that case, I still can't ever be a 10 because there always needs to be space for things to get worse.

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I've had many of you reach out after my recent post about being in pain. Thank you so much for your love and concern. There are some things in the works that could be helpful, but it will take some time to know for sure.  

It’s Not Easter Yet

We’re over a week out from Easter, and I have to say, I feel like Easter should have already happened. I blame the stores. With how early the merchandise is put out, by the time the actual holiday arrives, I’m just confused. 

(By the way, if your baby needs an outfit for a 4th of July BBQ three months from now, Target has you covered!)

We don’t really have a solid way of doing Easter at our house. The Easter bunny comes, but he doesn’t do the same thing each time. Sometimes he hides things. Sometimes he brings Easter baskets. Sometimes he brings church clothes. Sometimes he brings swimming suits or sandals. Sometimes he brings water toys for summer. He just flies by the seat of his pants each year based on what kind of mood his in, what the kids need, and what his budget is.

Last year, Santa Claus accidentally left two toys behind, so he graciously donated them to the Easter bunny. That was very helpful since we were in lockdown for COVID. The Easter bunny enlisted the help of Amazon to track down two more gifts, and each kid had to hunt around the house to find their gift on Easter. 

This year, we’re not in lockdown (thank heavens), but the circumstances of our Easter are going to be kind of unique still (explanation to come in a later post). The Easter bunny is hiding eggs this time, and as I’ve coordinated our holiday with the Easter bunny, I’ve considered how to do an egg hunt. 

Among our extended family, Scotty and I have experienced Easter hunts in different ways.

In my mom’s family, all the various goodies are hidden in piles. When you find a pile, you take one item. In the end. You have one of each item. 

In Scotty’s mom’s family, your name is written on your stuff. You’ll find hundreds of things that aren’t yours, and everyone shouts out everyone else’s names. It’s a cooperative effort. Then there’s random candy lying around everywhere that’s free for all.

In Scotty’s dad’s family, you are assigned an egg color or type, so you look for soccer balls, or farm animals, or pink eggs. 

Each method works, but I decided that for this hunt, we would write names on the eggs. I decided to help the Easter bunny out a little bit and get the eggs filled nice and early. So about two weeks ago, I stuffed the eggs - probably about 100 of them - and wrote the kids’ names on them. Then I put them in a box and put it high up on the shelf of our storage room. 

About a week later, Scotty and I heard a weird crashing noise. Then one of the girls came to us and said, “There are Easter eggs and candy all over the storage room floor!”

This is such a classic example of how my life goes that all I can do is laugh. Of course the eggs fell off the shelf and split open! Why wouldn’t they? Never mind the fact that no one was in (not had been in) the storage room, and there was no explanation for the box falling.

So lucky me, I got to clean it all up and re-stuff all the eggs. That’s one more reason it seems like Easter should have come and gone by now - I’ve done the prep work twice! 

Goings On

I have a small 20-minute window before I need to begin my day's adventures, so I figure I'll quickly re-cap some of the happenings around here lately. 

Zoe and Eva are obsessed with Art for Kids Hub on YouTube, so my house is covered in their artwork. I bought Zoe a sketch book and sketch markers. 

by Eva

We are getting the ball rolling on some orthodontia. Daisy will be getting her braces next month, and Zoe just had three teeth pulled (I think that make 9 for her now, and she will have to have 4 more pulled later. Poor girl!). I always have Zoe sedated because A) she is difficult with any medical procedures and B) after her tonsils hemorrhaged, she got even worse about medical procedures, especially in the mouth. 

Waiting for the juice to kick in

My mother-in-law has a rule that you can't play in water until the snow is off the mountains. So... July??? 

She was a little distraught that my kids were jumping on the trampoline with the sprinkler the other day in 50 degree weather. 

My sister-in-law turned 50 last weekend, so we had a 70's themed party to celebrate her. I let my kids tie-dye shirts to wear to the party. 

Four kids and tie-dye. 

It's as bad as you think it is. 

But it was still fun. 

I decided to try and be festive for Saint Patrick's Day, so I shaped my meatloaf into a shamrock. 

Before baking

After baking

Meatloaf is never pretty, so my expectations were low. We got a good laugh out of it. Nicky ate the stem - i.e. the most poo-looking piece. 

I also made green rolls and didn't even have a baking catastrophe! WHAT?!?

We also celebrated Pi Day - which is just a great excuse to have pizza and pie for dinner. I messed up the pie, but it still tasted good. 

I read that butterfly clips are coming back in. Sure enough, here they are at Target!

The Animorphs book inventory at the thrift store was hot last week!

We are waiting for Scotty's grandpa's house to be torn down. I drive past every day and wonder if it will be gone. The other day I snapped a quick photo. For now it's still standing, and it's in rough shape. 

The Utah Jazz honored my brother-in-law at their game on the night of his funeral, so we were able to attend the game, and the Jazz provided our family with a suite. 

Over the years, Nicky has acquired some of Doug's hand-me-down Jazz gear, so we all squeezed into Doug's old clothes for the night. It was a bittersweet evening - wonderful to be together, but sad for the circumstances. 

Well, I'm off to take my van to the shop now! 

Note to Self

I've debated whether to post this. I'm not looking for sympathy or to tell a sob story. The reason I'm writing this is because there are some things I might need to remember later. 

Today, I'm in a lot of pain. 

For five weeks, I've been in a lot of pain. 

It started on February 18 when my legs felt sore. Within a couple of days, I started having pain in my hips and shoulders. Over time, the pain continued to migrate. It went to my ankles and wrists and increased in intensity. Since February 18, it has spread through my whole body and continues getting worse. At first it was bearable, albeit annoying, but now it’s interfering with my life. Fortunately, I get a few brief hours of relief every day under a heavy dose of ibuprofen. During that time, I'm still in pain, but there's enough relief that I can get some stuff done. I work as hard as I can during that time and completely exhaust myself. The ibuprofen takes about two hours to start working, and then I get about 2-4 hours of mobility.

I've been to the doctor. She ran a bunch of tests, and everything came back negative. I'm grateful... because the tests were all for stuff I really don't want to have, but I'm left with no explanation, and therefore, no treatment. 

I could tell you more about how things went with the doctor and what some of her theories are, but that's not really what I want to accomplish here. This is what I want to say... mostly to my future self... who I hope is no longer suffering with this. 

Be grateful for everything your body can do. 

If you can brush your hair, get in and out of the shower, or roll over in bed... give all praise for those abilities.

If you can take off your own shirt, walk up and down stairs, or lift something off a high shelf... enjoy it.

If you can climb in and out of your car, tuck your shirt in, open a jar, or vacuum your floors... live it up. 

Right now, I can't do those things easily, and some of those things, I can’t do at all. 

In the past, when I’ve experienced pain, I’ve had the thought that if I'm ever blessed to feel better, I’ll never take my body for granted again. Then when the pain is gone, I forget the part where I’m not supposed to take my body for granted. This time, if the pain goes away, I really don’t want to forget! I want to recognize the ease with which I can lift my arms over my head. I want to roll from my left side to my right side in the middle of the night and say, "Scotty! Look what I can do! Isn't it amazing?" I want to celebrate the ability to sit down or stand up without worrying that I will fall.

So that’s why I’m writing this - so I can look back on the time when I struggled to get off the toilet by myself, couldn’t get to my daughter quickly when she pulled a door on herself, and had to ask my husband to help me change my clothes everyday, and remember that a mobile body is an absolute gift. 

I wrote this blog post instead of taking a nap and I kind of regret it (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might remember that I tend to have a lot baking catastrophes. This past week has been a doozy. It started with rolls for a family event. I mixed up the first batch (a double recipe, of course, because I can't bake a single batch of anything... which might actually be part of my problem...), and something was wrong. The dough was super hard, and I’d put in way less flour than the recipe suggests! So I threw the dough in a garbage bag and started another batch, this time using a different recipe. The same thing happened! So into the garbage bag it went!

I gave it a third try and just held way back on the flour. There must have been something in the air that day... Luckily, third time's the charm! The rolls were great. 

Fact #2: Unfortunately, it was four days from garbage day, so the dough rose in the garbage can and came to life and roamed my neighborhood eating small children. 

Fact #3: The next baking catastrophe involved tres leches. I first tried this recipe, and it turned into something really lumpy and was only half an inch thick. I went over the recipe several times trying to figure out what went wrong to no avail. So then I tried this recipe, and it was amazing! Except for the part where I messed up the egg whites and had to crack and whip five new eggs. 

Again... third time's the charm. 

Tres attempts at tres leches!

Fact #4: But that's not all! Because Pi Day came along, and I tried to bake a pie... well... kind of. Not all the components of the pie were "baked," but there was still a problem. I accidentally left out the butter, salt, and coconut and vanilla extracts. 

I couldn't give the pie three tries because I didn't have enough ingredients or time. It was still yummy, though.

Fact #5: I'm thinking about starting a recipe blog.

(Just kidding).

Fact #6: I'm capable of talking about other things besides baking disasters. Like, today I found out my pharmacist quit. I went to get some prescriptions filled, and her picture was missing from the wall. I said to the tech, "Oh no! Is Kelli gone?" and she said, "Yes, she left a month ago."

And that was that. No more Kelli. 

I loved Kelli and feel slightly betrayed. 

Even though she always called me Heidi.

Fact #7: Today I had to have a weird lump cut open and drained at the doctor's office. It's in an embarrassing place on my body. I'll just let your imagination run wild with that. 

Fact #8: I'm a little bummed that I couldn't see what came out of the lump. I almost asked to see the gauze, but then I was like, "No, Britt. Don't be gross."

(This reminds me of when Zoe's tonsils hemorrhaged, and she was spitting out blood clots, and all the medical staff kept asking us to show them the clots. It was so much fun to be able to show off the gross stuff! "Take a look at this!")

(Too much?) 

Fact #9: I'm thinking about starting a "gross stuff" blog.

(Just kidding).

Fact #10: If the doctor cuts you, you get Chick-Fil-A for lunch. It's a rule. 

How to Dougie

Early Sunday morning, my brother-in-law Doug passed away. It's a big loss, and even though there were indications that it could end this way (cancer, you fickle beast), we hoped it wouldn't be so. It's hard to imagine that Doug will no longer grace this earth. 

Today is his funeral, so I wanted to share a few thoughts and memories in honor of his life and the impact he had. 

Let me teach you how to Dougie. 

Step 1: Rub People's Butts

Doug was the massage therapist for the Utah Jazz. Whenever we went to a Jazz game or watched one on TV, we always looked for Doug. The first time I saw Doug in action, he was down on the floor working on one of the player's glutes. From then on, I always teased him for rubbing famous people's butts for a living. 

Doug was never one to shy away from touch, so he was always hugging people and rubbing their shoulders. He would often knead our necks and analyze our knots and tensions. He'd mess with our aches and pains whether we wanted him to or not. 

That's how you Dougie.

Step 2: Give in to Peer Pressure

On the morning Doug passed away, I found a video of him from a family Christmas party. Everyone had started taking turns doing somersaults in the living room while the rest of the family cheered (yeah... family parties get weird. You know how it is).  Everyone wanted Doug to join in, so we started chanting, "Doug! Doug! Doug!" Doug soon ran in from the kitchen and gave his best somersault.

All Doug ever needed was a bit of attention and sweet talking, and he'd do some pretty funny things. That's how he ended up diving off a boat and swimming to shore one time while he was traveling with the Jazz. The video of him jumping off that boat made my heart race - it looked so dangerous. 

That's how you Dougie.

Step 3: Tell Everybody What to Do

When Doug loved something, he wouldn't stop talking about it. He wanted everyone to love what he loved, so he was always telling us what movies to watch, what books to read, what songs to jam to, and what products to buy. He was like a walking infomercial. He also loved to give advice regarding just about anything. 

Most of what Doug loved were movies and books I thought were dumb or products that I would never spend big money on. But sometimes we'd find a commonality, and some of the best conversations I had with Doug involved the rare things we both loved. The good thing about Doug, though, was that even when he was talking up some awful TV show or movie, the conversation was still good. He was always fun to talk to.

That's how you Dougie. 

Step 4: Make People Laugh

If there's one thing that stands out to me about Doug, it's how easy it was to laugh with him. Doug was really funny and a joy to be around. Doug could razz and be razzed. 

Doug was very friendly and social. He loved talking to people. 

One of my favorite stories about Doug...

My sister-in-law, Melissa (his wife), was at a youth conference one year in Doug’s hometown. They were sitting in a big group on a lawn when a car drove by and someone mooned them. Years later, Doug told her a story of how he once mooned a youth conference group out a car window. 

That’s how you Dougie.

Step 5: Show People that You Care

One thing I really loved about Doug was his interest in others. He asked genuine questions and was always anxious to get caught up after not seeing us for a while. 

He was always sweet to our kids even though they cried every time they saw him. He often joked that we showed our kids pictures of him and conditioned them to hate him. Maybe we did, maybe we didn’t.

Doug helped me train for a half marathon. He pushed me to my limits, and I loathed him for it until I succeeded. Then I was so glad he made me do it.

That’s how you Dougie.

Doug, you will be greatly missed and never forgotten. Thanks for your friendship, your humor, and your kindness. The world won’t be the same without you. See you on the other side, brother.

Pandemic-versary

It's been a year since the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a global pandemic.

March 11, 2020. 

I don't know what you do on a pandemic-versary. I never intended to be involved in one, but here I am! 

Here we are. 

Pandemics suck. They really do. And sure, the part where people get sick is really awful. But the worse part is how people treat each other. I've seen the worst in humankind this past year, and I've seen the worst in myself. The only compensation is that I've also seen the best in humankind and the best in myself. I just wish I'd seen more of our best. 

Today isn't a day to celebrate, but I think it's a day to reflect. As this year mark approached, I thought about what I might post for the sake of my own journaling. Sometime, I'd like to document what life is like at this point in the pandemic - just for my own memories - but for today, I will just say...

I have experienced so much.

I have learned so much.

I have changed so much. 

When the pandemic began, I repeatedly wrote on my blog that I hoped I'd come away from it changed for the better. I'm pretty sure that, at this point, I'm just damaged. But hey! It's not over yet! I've still got time...

Sigh...

Favorite Quotes: The Power of Ritual

A couple of weeks ago I got a text from my long-time blog friend, Erika, telling me that she was reading a book called The Power of Ritual: How to Create Meaning and Connection in Everything You Do by Casper ter Kuile. Casper is one of the co-hosts* of a podcast called Harry Potter and the Sacred Text.** I've never listened to it, but my friend Cassie is a fan and has told me a lot about it. 

Anyway, Erika thought I might be interested in learning about lectio divina, which means "sacred reading." Erika said it reminded her of the way I read. Intrigued, I looked the book up on my library app, and the eBook happened to be available, so I downloaded it and read it over the following few days. 

The idea of the book is that we can take things we do in every day life and layer meaning and ritual into them by thinking of them as spiritual practices. I've read some other books along the same lines, for example Liturgy of the Ordinary and The Power of Stillness. A difference between those books and this one is that those two books are God-centered, and this book is not. It approaches spirituality outside of organized religion (but still occasionally mentions religious practices). I am a devout religious person, so God is central to my everyday rituals. As I read this book, I was able to apply some of the ideas to the way I live. The way Casper uses words like "sacred," "sabbath," "prayer," and "blessing" may not match the traditional religious denotations, and that may not sit well with some participants of organized religion, but I found that Casper’s ideas can be applicable either way. I wouldn't necessarily recommend the book - it's not the type of book that suits everyone - but it was an excellent recommendation for me. So thanks, Erika, for knowing.  

I thoroughly enjoyed the beginning of the book - the intro and the first chapter. I didn't care much for chapters 2 & 3, but chapters 4 & 5 were okay. Even though my reading experience went from fantastic to blah to just okay, there are so many great things I want to take away from this book. 

Here are some quotes and ideas I want to remember:

On Reading

"Reading makes us see ourselves in other characters, become nostalgic for parts of our past, and challenge our world view... reading about other people improves our ability to understand and cooperate with others and ultimately understand ourselves" (page 45). 

"Self-discovery through reading is often revelatory and freeing. But it isn't always pleasant. It makes us look within, and that is sometimes painful. We can be confronted by trauma and suffering when reading about someone who went through a similar experience, and we can be forced to address things we haven't before" (page 46). 

"Reading is a path to greater awareness. To courage and commitment. To helping us see our mistakes, and to finding a better way forward" (page 49).

Rather than reading entire chapters of the scriptures, read as much as stirs your mind to prayer (paraphrased idea from page 50). I love the idea of studying the scriptures until I have something to pray about rather than feeling like I need to read for a certain amount of time or complete a certain number of chapters. 

On Sabbath

"Sabbath isn't a time to catch up on tasks. Nor is it simply a time of rest to prepare for a busy week. It is a time to revel in the beauty and delight of simply being. The sabbath 'is not for the purpose of recovering one's lost strength and becoming fit for the forthcoming labor,' [Abraham] Heschel writes. 'The sabbath is a day for the sake of life... The sabbath is not for the sake of the weekdays; the weekdays are for the sake of the sabbath'" (page 72). 

"I like to pretend that sabbath time is like going to a royal wedding. I'm lucky to be invited, and I'm going to make the most of enjoying it" (page 74). 

On Eucharist (or sacrament)

"We don't eat the bread and wine because we know what it means. We do it because we are learning what it means" (page 197).

On Prayer

"...the practice of prayer is about being conscious of - and telling the truth about - how we really feel and think, taking what has been unconscious and bringing it into open awareness" (page 154). 

"Prayer is like a workshop for the soul. In it, we get to work out all the kinks and knots of life. It can soften resentment and make space for forgiveness. What we do might not magically change other people or the world outside, but prayer certainly changes us" (page 174). 

Idea for prayer from Jack Kornfield's Buddhist metta: pray for yourself, pray for someone you love, pray for a stranger, and pray for someone you are struggling with (page 174).

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*He's leaving the podcast at the end of the month. 

**Just in case you've ever wondered, the name of a podcast should be italicized, and the name of a podcast episode should be in quotations. Since I looked it up while writing this post, just to be sure, I figured I'd throw that out there for anyone who wants to stow that away in their mind palace.

Currently (March 2021 Edition)

Reading:

I've read quite a few books by Amy Harmon lately (I signed up for two free months of Kindle unlimited, and she has a lot of books available there), but a few weeks ago, I read an interview with her in which she said her favorite book is Twilight. I don't fault anyone for enjoying the Twilight series (I'm guilty from way back when), but I'm not sure it should be an author's "favorite" book. Now every book of hers I download reads like it’s been influenced by Twilight. 

Watching: the 20/20 special on Lori Vallow and Chad Daybell (it's on Hulu if you're wanting to watch it, but it’s expiring Friday). Also Murder Among the Mormons on Netflix. 

Okay, and mayyyybe I also watched a documentary on Charles Manson this week. 

I go through true crime phases. 

Buying: new rugs to go by our front and back doors, a new welcome mat, and a couple of shirts for spring. 

Craving: toast and a runny egg. I adore runny eggs! That reminds me, I need to stop at the egg farm for eggs today. 

Trying: to eat what we have at home rather than buy groceries this month. We have lots of food. But I'm still going to buy eggs. "But don't you have chickens?" Yes. But they aren't laying many eggs right now. They should be starting up here soon now that the days are getting longer. 

Singing: "Non-Stop" from Hamilton. 

Listening to:

Needing: to vacuum my van. 

Trying: homemade yogurt in the Instant Pot. Several people have said how much they love it, and how they will never buy yogurt again after trying it. It was fun to make, but I thought it tasted awful, and I probably won't do it again. 

I strained mine, if you care to know. I tried it plain and didn't like it (and I can normally handle plain yogurt just fine, though I don't love it), so then I flavored it with vanilla and honey, and I still didn't like it. No one in my family will touch it. 

Annoyed by: constant headaches. They're not terrible headaches, but I have them all the time. I'm falling apart! 

Playing: this dumb game that nearly ended in divorce over the weekend.

Feeling: exhausted! Eva has been running me into the ground lately, and by the time I send her off to kindergarten in the afternoon, I don't have energy left for anything else. 

Struggling with: “Mommy!” “Mom!” “Mama!” “Mommy!” Being constantly touched and constantly needed. The incessant noise. The fighting. Oh the fighting! If Eva and Zoe are awake, they are fighting.

In short... motherhood. I’m struggling with motherhood.

Procrastinating: exercising for the day. I had good intentions. 

Wearing: a University of Utah t-shirt some joggers. 

Eating: a chicken biscuit from Chick-Fil-A which I plan to get after I take my girls to school. The Chick-Fil-A at Jordan Landing has been doing free breakfast on Thursdays (with purchase). Hopefully our location will start up again sometime. 

Looking forward to: VACATION!!!

Worried about: nothing. But also everything. 

Enjoying: any day my kids actually go to school. I’ve had kids home so much lately. Zoe was sick two days last week. Then she went to school for a day. Then the next day she started crying as soon as I pulled up to the school and said she felt like she was going to throw up, so I brought her back home. I had a breakdown at that point. A year’s worth of changed plans finally got the best of me, and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sob. 

Grateful for: silence. It's a rare and beautiful thing for me. 

Back to School Book 3: Wait Till Helen Comes

I made a goal for 2021 to read ten books from my school days. So far I've read The Scarlet Letter and The Outsiders - the former being from high school, and the latter being from junior high. For my third book, I figured I might as well go for an elementary school selection, so I chose Wait Till Helen Comes by Mary Downing Hahn. 

If you're not familiar with the book, it's about a blended family that moves into an old church where they have some haunted experiences with a ghost named Helen. The family is quite at odds with each other as they try to adjust to their new living circumstances, and throwing Helen in the mix just makes things all the more complicated. 

I think I first read Wait Till Helen Comes in third grade. It ended up being one of my favorite childhood books. In fact, it made me want to live in an old church. There's one in Mantua, Utah that has caught my eye. I just prefer my church house to be ghost-free.

Since I was reading a children's novel, I roped my kids into joining me. I packaged the experience as "Mom's Book Club." I made them invitations to join my book club with the promise of a fun activity to follow. It took some convincing, but I think they secretly loved it. 

For our activity after reading the book, we watched the made for TV movie. It didn't have very good reviews, but we gave it a shot anyway. My kids had never watched a scary movie before, so it was pretty amusing for me to put them through it. I wasn't sure how they would handle it, so we watched it in the early afternoon, allowing them plenty of distractions to clear their minds before it was time to go to bed. 

The movie, of course, ruined much of the story, but it wasn't that bad... until it was. It was one of those movies that starts out okay, but then gets progressively worse. And the ending was laughably bad. But it was a good introductory scary movie for the kids. 

To go with the movie, we made cupcakes with Helen's tombstone. Helen's grave is marked with just her initials: H.E.H. 

The kids are always happy to be given access to frosting - a privilege I rarely grant them. 

I now have plans for more Mom's Book Club experiences. We'll see if my kids are convinced that Mom's Book Club is cool or if it all just goes downhill from here. 

The Moment I Wake Up, Before I Put on My Makeup

I like waking up before everyone else in my house. The problem is... my house isn't very compatible with waking up before everyone else. Sometimes it works if I stay in bed, but if I get out of bed, I run multiple risks of waking up the entire family. It would be fine if it were a school day and 6:45 or later, but I definitely don't want to wake up my kids at 5:30 a.m. on a weekend. 

My kids are early risers naturally, so they are sensitive to the tiniest of sounds in the morning. I swear they can hear me blink! And when I blink, they jump out of bed because they think something exciting is happening, and they don't want to miss it. The only exception is when I actually need them to wake up earlier than normal, like for a dentist appointment. That's when they suddenly want to sleep, and I can stand over them playing the cymbals, and they won't stir. Sure! Wake up at 5:04 everyday for a week when you should be sleeping til 7:30 and then sleep til 7:30 on the one day I need you to be awake at 7:15.

Kids.

Early this morning I took my chances and got out of bed. The first problem was the sound of all my joints popping. Then I needed to go to the bathroom - always scary - and that required me to walk across a part of our bedroom floor that sounds like a sheet of metal bowing under my feet. It makes noise when it retracts, and then it makes noise when it springs back under each step. 

After I went to the bathroom, I tried going back to sleep, but my mind was busy, so I decided to get up and find my laptop. I had to walk down creaky stairs and across a creaky floor. I had to slide my laptop ever so carefully across the kitchen counter. I carried it to the living room and settled onto the couch.

A word about the couch... our butts now sink to the base of the couch when we sit on it. It's a hand-me-down from my sister-in-law, and it's been great, but its lost it's umph. 

Unfortunately my laptop was dead, so I had to sneak back into the kitchen to get the charger. Then I decided to take my chances of going down to the basement to the couch that can support me without my tailbone resting on a wood frame. This meant I had to ease myself down two sets of stairs, sneaking past Nicky and Daisy's bedrooms. I also needed a bit of light to see where I was going, which added further risk. 

No matter how slowly I move, our house sounds like it's moaning in pain, and every bone in my body creaks. 

I made it to the basement, which was great because I landed on a floor that wouldn't squeak under my feet. Bless you, concrete! But then I had to plug my laptop into the couch which made some noise, and I had to open the recliner (because I can't just sit on a reclining sofa with my feet on the floor - that would be a disgrace!) which made an additional crrrrreeeeaaaaaak! 

I opened my laptop and sat in fear while it booted up. Will someone descend the stairs following the sounds of my exciting morning life? Will I hear the creepy whisper of a daughter behind me begging to play Minecraft? Will my plans be thwarted by the pitter patter of feet above my head?

Thankfully, no.

I have succeeded!