My Personal Thoughts on the Proclamation

As I bring my family proclamation project to a close, I thought it might be good to give further insight into what The Family: A Proclamation to the World is and what it means to me, personally.

I jumped into this project assuming that most of my blog readers will probably skip over these posts, and that anyone who actually reads them already has a basic understanding of the proclamation. I don't know if that assumption was correct or not, but either way, I won't be doing this project justice if I fail to explain what the proclamation is and why it is important to me.

Where The Family: A Proclamation to the World comes from

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we have a semi-annual general conference where our Church leaders give inspiring presentations on gospel-related topics. Along with the general conference, there is a session especially for the women of the Church. In September of 1995, our prophet at the time, President Gordon B. Hinckley, spoke at the women's session of conference and issued The Family: A Proclamation to the World. The proclamation was written by the prophet, his counselors, and the quorum of the twelve apostles.

What I believe about where the proclamation comes from
 
I believe that the proclamation was written under the direction of our Heavenly Father. I believe that the prophet, his counselors, and the apostles have been called to represent God on this earth, and therefore, they are able to receive specific revelation directly from Him.

The purpose of the proclamation and who it's directed to

When President Hinckley first read The Family: A Proclamation to the World, he stated, "With so much of sophistry that is passed off as truth, with so much of deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn."

The proclamation was intended to be a warning and a reminder of the role of family in God's plan. The truths outlined in the proclamation were not new, but our world had become (and continues to become) saturated with selfishness, permissive values, and irresponsibility. Marriages and families have become more disposable over time, and the prophet saw a need to remind the entire world - all faiths and all nations - of the importance and value of families.

What the proclamation teaches

In studying the proclamation this semester, I've discovered how truly infinite its teachings are. There is so much inspiration to draw from it, and the depth of its teachings go far beyond the text. The more I ponder the proclamation, the more I learn. Many people mistake it as an anti-gay document. Indeed, the proclamation teaches that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God," but if that is the only thing you take away from the proclamation, you have missed out on a lot of great content.

Here are a few teachings of the proclamation that I think most of us can agree on or hope for:

• We are all spirit sons and daughters of heavenly parents. 
• God loves us and created us in His image.
• Families can be together in the eternities.
• Parents have a sacred duty to love and take care of their children.
• Fathers and mothers should help each other as equal partners.
• Parents who abuse their children will be accountable to God.
• Extended family members should help and support each other. 

The proclamation also teaches some things that are less accepted in our world today. It teaches that sex is intended for marriage between a man and a woman, that husband and wife should be faithful to one another, that gender is an eternal attribute, and so forth. These teachings are always met with controversy. Though we may disagree on some of these issues, I hope you understand that the proclamation (and likewise, my Church) does not preach hate.
 
How I gained my testimony of the proclamation

My story of how I gained a conviction of the teachings of the proclamation is quite lengthy, so you will only get the smallest part of my experience here.

Several years ago I had a dream that prepared me to go through a process of determining whether I believed in the proclamation. I don't usually claim that my dreams have meaning or purpose, but this one did. I won't go into the particulars because they are somewhat sacred to me, but when I had the dream, I didn't yet feel any pressure from the outside world to question the proclamation. That pressure came later, and I was prepared for it.

Working on my degree in marriage and family has given me the opportunity to study a lot of secular research on topics such as divorce, abuse, nurturing children, dating, sexuality, etc, and the things I have learned support my belief in the proclamation.

During the summer of this year, I felt inspired to memorize the proclamation. It has been a lengthy process, and I am only about half-way done, but I intend to finish by Christmas. As I've worked on memorizing the proclamation, I have had an affirmation over and over that it is true, and it is beautiful!

My final thoughts
 
Family life does not come easy to me. This is part of why I am so passionate about the topic. I feel like I have so much to learn and so much to change about myself as a wife, mother, sister, and daughter. In many ways, I feel unworthy to be part of God's great family, and yet, at the same time, I have this underlying knowledge that I can't deny: I am His daughter. I often have the experience spoken of in the hymn "O My Father" that says:

For a wise and glorious purpose

Thou hast placed me here on earth

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth;

Yet ofttimes a secret something

Whispered, "You're a stranger here,"

And I felt that I had wandered

From a more exalted sphere.

I think there are many things we do not yet understand about family, and the family - as in God's family that includes all of us as His children - but I look forward to gaining that knowledge in the eternities.

I have very much enjoyed working on this proclamation project, and I have gained a lot of great personal insights as I have written about family.

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This post was inspired by "The Proclamation: A Guide, a Banner, and a Doctrinal Summary of the Church's Emphasis on the Family," by Lloyd D. Newell, published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. This piece of writing is part of my Family Proclamation project for FAML 100 at Brigham Young University Idaho.

Words of the Proclamation

"We, the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim..."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I'm down to my last two posts for my proclamation class, and here's my struggle: I still have too much to say. There are so many fantastic topics to address. Choosing my final two is hard. I'm sure I'll write many more marriage and family posts in the years to come - it's my passion, after all - but somehow I have to draw this particular project to a close, and I don't know how to do it!

The final two...

I just can't choose!

When I received my textbook for this class in the mail, I was really excited to read it. I'd read excerpts from it in other classes and had already considered buying it for my personal library. I was really excited when I learned that it was the required text for my proclamation class because that meant I had to buy it.

I was so enthusiastic about the book that I ordered it really early. When it arrived, I had to force myself to not read it, but I took a sneak peek (several sneak peeks, actually) and read all of the chapter headings. There were quite a few chapters I looked forward to reading, and one that stood out to me was "Some Linguistic Observations on 'The Family: A Proclamation to the World.'"

Last week, I finally read the chapter.

...aaaaaand it turns out I'm not all that interested in linguistics.

(Or am I? I've yet to decide).

Either way, I enjoyed the chapter because I believe that the language used in the Proclamation was well thought-out in a revelatory process. Having studied The Family: A Proclamation to the World quite extensively, I've picked up on some words that I, personally feel are very powerful and meaningful. I'll share a few here.

The first word that stands out to me is BELOVED. The proclamation teaches that each of us is a beloved spirit son or daughter of God. The word "beloved" was also chosen by God to describe Jesus Christ when He repeatedly said, "This is my beloved son" (Matthew 3:17). To be described with the same adjective as the Savior is a great honor. Our Heavenly Father loves each of us dearly, just as He loves Jesus Christ.

The next word I am drawn to is PARENTS. The proclamation states that we are beloved by heavenly parents. Not just a Father, but a Mother as well! We don't know the specific details of this sacred partnership, but I love knowing She is there, and I can't wait to meet Her! A Mother in Heaven! Can you imagine?

There are two words that are frequently repeated in the proclamation, and they are DIVINE and DESTINY. "Divine" appears in the proclamation five times, and destiny appears three times. "Divine" speaks of where we come from, and "destiny" speaks of where we are going. God is in both of those places. We were in His presence before we came to this earth, and we will return to Him. One of the greatest teachings of the proclamation is that "the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

There are many more meaningful words in the proclamation, but those are some of my favorites.

Dallin D. Oaks and Evelyn S. Staley pointed out that the proclamation uses religious rather than academic language (2012). President Boyd K. Packer described the document as being "akin to scripture" and "revelatory" (2008), so it's no wonder that the language of the proclamation is very scriptural.

Oaks and Staley also indicated that the majority of the proclamation is instructive rather than mandative. It does not present a list of rules and commandments, but instead, outlines principles and direction (2012) and goes very much along with Joseph Smith's popular statement, "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves." For example, the proclamation teaches that "God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force," but it does not say that there is a specific number of children a couple should have or how soon. The guidance in the proclamation is general rather than specific, and I am grateful that God gives us the opportunity for self-governance through clear principles.

I think that focusing on the words used in the proclamation has given me a better understanding of its precepts, and it has allowed me to contemplate, more deeply, the teachings of the document.

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This post was inspired by "Some Linguistic Observations on The Family: A Proclamation to the World," by Dallin D. Oaks and Evelyn S. Staley, published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. This piece of writing is part of my Family Proclamation project for FAML 100 at Brigham Young University Idaho. 

Wholesome Recreational Activities

"Successful marriages and families are maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I love that "wholesome recreational activities" (which I'll refer to as WRAS) is important enough to be listed in The Family: A Proclamation to the World right along with things like faith, forgiveness, and love. To me, that indicates that WRAS are part of a balanced family life.

When considering WRAS, it's important to note that there is a greater amount of gratification from activities that require personal effort than from activities of pleasure that are provided by the environment (Widmer and Taniguchi, 2012).

For example, reading to your children requires a certain amount of effort, resulting in building a relationship and developing a life skill. Watching TV and eating pizza together doesn't necessarily build higher levels of social knowledge or skills (Widmer and Taniguchi, 2012).

(I'm not saying that we shouldn't watch TV and eat pizza together, but if that is the only thing we ever do with our families, we are stunting our family growth).

The best WRAS are ones where we invest rather than simply consume (Widmer and Taniguchi, 2012).

Research has found that optimal experiences (or "the best" experiences) involve some sort of challenge and growth. In fact, people become bored if their activities lack challenge (Widmer and Taniguchi, 2012).

In studying this topic, I took some time to think about some of the things my family has done that have challenged us or helped us develop better knowledge and skills. I quickly realized that everything we do right now is challenging because of our children's stages of development - even watching TV and eating pizza - but there are some things that provide more knowledge than others. Here are a few things I thought of:

Running races together...

 

 Scotty and I both took second in our age divisions in this 10k. A few weeks later we got a ribbon in the mail for First Place Couple! (Possible only couple, but we like the ribbon anyway!)

 

 

The Spartan Race was one of the best dates we've been on!

 

 Our first (and only) family 5k since Eva was born.

 

 Living room basketball...

 

Scotty plays on his knees, and he can still reach a foot over the hoop.

 Camping... 

   

Is it fun or is it pure torture? I haven't decided yet, but we always seem to look back on camping trips fondly even if we froze all night and woke up to icy water bottles and a case of hand, foot, and mouth. 

Hiking... 

 

   

This was the hardest hike we've done as a family. It was brutal and took hours and hours. We had to stop for naps on the way out.

 

   

Scotty's typical hiking attire involves no less than two children. Confession: we haven't been on a single hike since having Eva.

 

Riding bikes...

   

Building with Legos...

   

Playing at the park...

   

 

 

 We've been able to teach our kids a number of skills at the park: how to swing, how to cross monkey bars, how to climb, how to get along with friends, etc. The park is an excellent classroom for life skills!

Playing board games...

 

Board games teach a number of life skills. Plus they are a challenge. We haven't played Risk with our kids yet, but we definitely will someday!

Now that I've reflected on some of our experiences with wholesome recreational activities, I can't help but think that the kind of WRAS that are most beneficial to our families are the kind wherein we suffer a little bit.  Also, there is a lot of the great outdoors involved. 

Research has shown that families who believe they can do outdoor activities have a better belief in their ability to solve problems at home (Widmer and Taniguchi, 2012). Interestingly, all of our hiking, running, and camping experiences have involved extensive problem solving (and a lot of crying), but we initially believed we could do it, which was why we tried it in the first place.

In many cases, I think the best WRAS are only labeled "the best" WRAS after we've come home and recovered. They're not always fun or positive until we've had time to process and learn from them. 

I'd love to hear about some of your experiences with WRAS. What has your family done to have fun together? What things have you done that have challenged you and provided learning experiences?

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This post was inspired by "Wholesome Recreational Activities: Building Strong Families," by Mark A. Widner and Stacy T. Taniguchi, published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. This piece of writing is part of my Family Proclamation project for FAML 100 at Brigham Young University Idaho. 

Removing the Venom

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of... repentance [and] forgiveness."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Indiana Jones and I hate snakes. The thing I dislike most about snakes - and perhaps Indy would agree with me - is that by the time I realize there’s a snake nearby, it’s already way too close to me. Fortunately, I’ve never crossed paths with a dangerous snake.

(Did I just jinx myself?)

There are often stories told of people who get bitten by poisonous snakes, and they immediately seek revenge on the snake by hunting it down. Since they waste vital time pursuing the snake, the venom seeps deep into their bloodstream, and by the time they receive medical attention, it’s too late. They lose a limb, or worse, their lives.

Elder H. Burke Peterson told one such story in General Conference in October 1983. Then he said: 

What will you do when hurt by another? The safe way, the sure way, the right way is to look inward and immediately start the cleansing process. The wise and the happy person removes first the impurities from within. The longer the poison of resentment and unforgiveness stays in a body, the greater and longer lasting is its destructive effect. As long as we blame others for our condition or circumstance and build a wall of self-justification around ourselves, our strength will diminish and our power and ability to rise above our situation will fade away. The poison of revenge, or of unforgiving thoughts or attitudes, unless removed, will destroy the soul in which it is harbored.

There are two important lessons I have learned personally about the venom removal process of forgiveness:

Lesson 1: Forgiveness cannot be conditional upon an apology.

I realized a few years ago that I was holding on to hurt and anger and waiting for an apology from someone. I wanted that apology something fierce! I felt like I deserved it. I knew I had been deeply wronged. I felt like I was excused from the act of forgiveness as long as that apology was pending.

It’s much easier for me to forgive someone who says they are sorry. There’s just something about the admission of guilt that puts me at ease. Consider it a character flaw; I want you to be sorry! I just do! And when I know you are, I get over it.

I knew, though, that I was never going to get an apology, and if I didn’t move on without that acknowledgement of wrong-doing, I was essentially holding myself prisoner. Freedom could only be attained through forgiveness regardless of whether the offender apologized.

Sitting around waiting for an apology is like trying to hunt down the snake after it bites you.

Lesson 2: Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

I think many people struggle with forgiveness because they are not able to reconcile with the offender. Reconciliation requires a restoration of trust and includes ongoing contact. The result of forgiveness can be reconciliation, but reconciliation is not required. In some cases, reconciliation is not possible because the offender is deceased, in prison, or living far away. It may also be that reconciliation is not healthy or safe (Walton and Hendricks, 2012). 

Forgiveness is separate from reconciliation. Likewise, forgiveness should not be mistaken for legal pardon, condoning, or forgetting (Walton and Hendricks, 2012). 

Noted researcher Everett Worthington stated, “Forgiveness does not occur within a relationship. It occurs within the forgiver” (2006). Sometimes forgiveness has to be one-sided.

There are several models of forgiveness that have been outlined in scholarly literature. Some are interpersonal models with reconciliation as the goal. Others are intrapersonal, such as Worthington's (2001) cognitive-behavioral, five-step process which I will summarize here.

R.E.A.C.H.

1. Recall the hurt. It’s human nature to try and protect ourselves from pain, and to do this, we often try to deny or forget the discomfort of the offense. To forgive, it’s imperative to acknowledge the wrong-doing and be clear about the manner in which you’ve been hurt.

2. Empathize. In order to forgive, it’s important to try to understand the transgressor’s feelings.

• Was the offense committed knowingly or was it an honest mistake?
• What were the pressures that influenced the offender to commit the offense?
• Is there an understandable reason for the offender to disagree with the victim about the seriousness of the offense?
• In what ways might the offender have been victimized in the past?
• What pain might the offender be experiencing regarding guilt and remorse? 

3. Altruistically give the gift of forgiveness. Be humbled by your own shortcomings and offenses. Show special gratitude for the occasions when you have been freely forgiven.

4. Commit publicly to forgive. Forgiveness is more successful when the victim verbalizes the commitment to another person. This can be done by telling a friend or counselor. Other options are writing in a journal or writing a letter.

5. Hold on to forgiveness. As time goes on, it’s normal to still be occasionally haunted by the pain of the offense. When thoughts revert to the painful injury, the victim is reminded that the decision to forgive has already been made. Forgiveness does not replace painful memories. The pain should be a reminder to move forward instead of revisiting the transgression committed (Walton and Hendricks, 2012).  

I share the following story with permission:

A close friend of mine was molested by her father as a child, and eventually, her father took his own life. She has often been upfront with me about her father’s actions, but she has never spoken of him with animosity. It has always been evident that she loves her father despite the pain he inflicted on her. I asked her recently about her forgiveness process. She told me that her process is cyclical. Sometimes she is at peace, and other times, she still feels the pain of his choices.

I don’t know if she has come to the place where she has fully forgiven her father, nor do I believe that her pain is evidence that she has not forgiven him. I know that either way, she is removing the venom. One way my friend is healing is by being involved in suicide prevention. She has found a crucible perspective in her adversity, and she’s using a foundation of personal experience to help others.  

I think forgiveness can be likened unto the seed that Alma spoke of. If, in our hearts, we simply plant a desire to forgive, and if we let the desire work within us, the forgiveness process will begin to unfold. It may take time, but the seed will swell. It will increase our understanding, and we will know that the seed of FORGIVENESS is good (Alma 32).

The ultimate example of forgiveness is, of course, Jesus Christ. Elder Marion D. Hanks said:

Christ’s love was so pure that he gave his life for us... But there was another gift he bestowed while he was on the cross, a gift that further measured the magnitude of his great love: he forgave, and asked his Father to forgive, those who persecuted and crucified him.Was this act of forgiveness less difficult than sacrificing his mortal life? Was it less a test of his love? I do not know the answer. But I have felt that the ultimate form of love for God and men is forgiveness (1973).

Upon the cross, the Savior didn't hesitate to remove the venom. He didn't wait for an apology or excuse himself from the act of forgiveness due to the severity of the snake bite. I admire Him deeply for that choice, and I know that that is a man who loves without question. 

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This post was inspired by "Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life," by Elaine Walton and Hilary M. Hendricks, published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. This piece of writing is part of my Family Proclamation project for FAML 100 at Brigham Young University Idaho.