Things the Kids Say: Episode 36

September Writing Challenge 2025 - Prompt #35: 

Vocabulary Words

Scotty: I’ve got the vacation bug!

Eva: Is it a beetle?

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“I’m literally a poetrist… or whatever you call those poem people.”

- Daisy

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"Puerto Rico is like a mix of Jurassic Park and In the Heights."

-Nicky

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“You smell like pee, and you’re warm.”

- Eva to Zoe

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“My school smells awful - like boys starting puberty.”

- Zoe (7th grade)

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Daisy: I want a baby.

Me: No. Don’t be a pregnant teenager.

Daisy: Don’t worry, Mom, I still don’t know how it works, but I know not to get in a bed with a naked man.

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“Am I half Pennsylvanian?”

-Eva

Things the Kids Say: Episode 35

“I look like a bully from a Disney Channel original movie.”

-Nicky after a drastic haircut

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“I hope Lorelai ends up with Jess, bro!”

-Nicky on Gilmore Girls

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Girls: Where did you go on your honeymoon?

Us: We went on a cruise.

Zoe: On what ship? The Titanic?

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“All your friends look like Britney Spears.”

-Eva looking at my high school photos

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Me: I hate quinoa.

Daisy: Who’s that?

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“My kids are going to be spoiled because I don’t want them to have a stupid childhood like me. I’m even going to let them swear!”

-Eva, who has had a stupid childhood and isn’t allowed to swear

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“My cast smells like cheese.”

-Zoe with her broken arm

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“Our family puts the ‘fun’ in funeral!”

-Zoe

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Eva: Are we rich?

Zoe: No, we’re class middle.

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Grandma: Sounds like you need to do your chores.

Zoe: That’s not really my thing.

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Grandpa: Your uncles Kyle and Drew are 1/4 Finnish.

Zoe: Oooohhhhh. That explains Kyle’s Finnish accent.

(Kyle does not have a Finnish accent)

Things the Kids Say: Episode 34

“The oldest song I know is ‘Footloose’ which was written in 1621.”

-Zoe

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“Vacation Dad is as good as Dad gets!”

-Nicky

“Vacation Dad”

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“Wow! First Class people don’t know how to clean up after themselves!”

-Eva to the flight attendant (who nodded in agreement)

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Me: Eva, what’s 12 times 5?

Eva: You have a brain and a calculator. Why are you asking me?

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“I learned a lot about pee from a poster in the bathroom at girls camp.”

-Zoe while lecturing me about hydration

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“I love human beings.”

-Eva

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“My stomach feels better. I dropped a big bomb and drank some water. I was in really bad constipation.”

-Eva

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Eva: Can we listen to Enya?

Zoe: No, I hate Enya, she doesn’t even sing any good songs!

Eva: Yea she does! ‘Baby Shark!’

Things the Kids Say: Episode 33

“I know jackelopes are real because I’ve seen them in Lunchables ads.”

-Nicky

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Zoe: That car has a bumper sticker on it that says “Honk if you’re horny.” What does horny mean?

Me: It means you want to have sex.

Eva: Guess you better honk then!

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“I’m not into hygiene.”

-Zoe

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Daisy reading a passage from Luke 2 in the Music & the Spoken Word program: Mom, they’re totally plagiarizing Charlie Brown!

Me: That’s the scriptures, Daisy. Charlie Brown quotes the scriptures. 

Daisy: Are you serious right now?

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“If I were a freshman girl, I would straight up go for Hunter Privett.” 

-Nicky

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“Mooooommmmm!! Nicky won’t stop rapping about me!”

-Eva

Moana 2

Things the Kids Say: Episode 32

September Writing Challenge - Prompt #5: 

Social

Me: Saying something about Planet of the Apes.

Daisy: Wait, I thought Planet of the Apes was one of those National Geographic shows.

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“No one is going to like you with that jawline of yours that goes straight into a chin!”

- Zoe to Eva

Eva and her questionable jawline

(Eva is my least photographed child right now. I had to scroll all the way back to July to find a picture of just her)

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“I think I’m a late bloomer. Everyone my age has mountains, and I have small hills.”

- Zoe

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“School is hard now that I’m a good student.”

- Eva

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“I’m a hungry little fella.”

- Eva

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Watching a Dystopian movie…

“Aw, man! We still have to shower in the future?”

- Zoe

We fight this girl every time she needs to shower.

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Nicky: This copy of Risk is from 1998.

Daisy: Isn’t that when WWII started?

Nicky: No, that was in the 60’s.

(Yet, somehow he passed his AP US History test).

On Sunday we taught Daisy how to play Risk, and she won! Her mission was to conquer Africa and Asia (one of the hardest missions). My mission was to destroy yellow. 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 31

Me: Isn’t it nice having a clean room?

Daisy: No! It makes me feel like my life is empty. 

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Nurse at maturation class: When you go through puberty, you might get oily skin and pimples.

Zoe: Mom, you never finished puberty, did you?

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“Jesus got us falling in love again!”

-Eva singing Usher

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Daisy: [Crush] is sending me really weird texts.

Me: Well, we just have to remember… he is a 14 year old boy.

Daisy: But today he’s acting 8.

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“If I eat some clothes when I’m pregnant, will the baby still come out naked?”

-Eva

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“Mom? Do birds ever get constipated? Cause I kind of don’t think they do.”

-Eva

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Eva: What does the peace sign mean?

Me: Peace.

Eva: What does peace mean?

Me: No fighting.

Eva: That’s so cap.

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“I’m pretty sure I have perfect pitch.”

-Zoe, who does not have perfect pitch

 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 30

“Why are we allowed to have a stop sign in our yard but not a horse?”

-Zoe

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“Look how happy those grandmas are!”

-Eva referring to two ladies my age

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Car alarm outside: Beep! Beep! Beep!

Eva: Is that my car?

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“Taylor Swift is so twelve years ago!”

-Zoe, who is 11

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“Our lives are going to change forever because Dad is a YouTuber now, but he’s not the kind that says ‘Oh my God!’”

-Eva after Scotty posted one video on YouTube

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Zoe: Occasionally I like big butts.

Me: Occasionally?

Zoe: Well, I don’t really know what that means.

Things the Kids Say: Episode 29

“Ah, smells like wood and men!”

-Zoe walking into Lowe’s

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“Ah, smells like wet men!”

-Zoe walking into Pirates of the Caribbean 

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“I’m not on the naughty list, but I might be on the so/so list.”

-Zoe

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Ricky Martin: Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon…

Kids: Mom, you need to change the song. It’s Sunday.

Me: Am I not allowed to shake my bon bon on Sunday?

Eva: You can only shake the front, not the back.

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“I know where babies come from. Jesus comes into your room at night and stuffs little body parts inside you to make a baby. At least I think that’s how it works.”

-Eva

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“Life is confusing with you as a mom.”

-Eva

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Eva: Mom, who’s your favorite kid?

Me: You know I don’t have a favorite kid. I love you all the same.

Eva: Am I a miracle?

Me: Yes

Eva: Are all your kids miracles?

Me: Yes

Eva: So who’s your favorite miracle, then?

Things the Kids Say: Episode 28

“Can’t I just be constipated in peace?”

-Eva

(You think it’s bad now? Wait til you have kids, dear!)

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“Don’t worry, Mom and Dad will never get divorced because they take showers together.”

-Zoe

(Yes, that is the key).

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“You know how he [Ed Sheeran] says ‘barefoot on the grass?’ What if his feet were balloons?”

-Zoe

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The Weeknd: Oooo, I’m blinded by the lights.

Daisy: This is The Weeknd, right?

Me: Yes, today is Friday.

Daisy: Mom!!! You’re as bad as Dad.

(No one is as bad as Dad. Well… except my dad).

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“Okay, Mom, since I’m hanging out in your room, you can’t watch any shows with murder.”

-Zoe

(She ruins all my fun).

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Carol of the Bells: Ring, ring, ring, ring…

Zoe: Is this a doorbell commercial?

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Eva: Mom, you’re so lucky you don’t have to go to school!

Zoe: But remember, Eva, she has to cook food and pay taxes!

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“Is this song from SIX, the musical? Because this does not sound like six-year-olds to me!”

-Eva

(SIX is about Henry VIII’s wives turned pop icons).

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Me: You and I are ministering partners now.

Daisy: What’s ministering?

Me: It’s just a way of making sure that everyone in our ward is looked after. We have a list of women that we can visit and help if they need us.

Daisy: Aren’t there people who get paid to do that? Like Shirley?

Me: That’s home health, honey. That’s something different.

Daisy: Is it, though?

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Eva: I need to think of a goal.

Me: Maybe you can read ten books this week, or eat a vegetable every day, or learn about something you’re interested in!

Eva: No thanks. I think I’ll just put duct tape on my feet and try to walk up the wall.

Things the Kids Say: Episode 27

“I went to adult Sunday school once, and it was awful! They made us do math, and they didn’t even give us lunch!”

-Eva

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“I love seconds!”

-Eva, as she snuck an extra piece of bread from the sacrament tray 

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“Some day Nicky and Molly will be more than friends! They will be best friends!”

-Eva

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“Mom, can I have one of those naked peaches?”

-Eva, asking for a nectarine

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While watching How to Train Your Dragon 2:

Zoe: Why are her boobs so pointy? (talking about Hiccup’s mom)

Eva: I know, right? They’re like egg tops!

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Me: I will not keep track of your shoes!

Zoe: So you’re basically useless? Wow, Mom!

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Eva: Mom, can I get a pet fish?

Me: Nope. We’re not getting any more pets, or we’ll never be able to go on vacation!

Eva: We can just kill it before we leave!

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Zoe: Mom, you just wouldn’t understand what friendship is like for ten-year-olds these days.

Me: What makes you think that?

Zoe: Well, you were my age 29 years ago, and things are different now.

Me: What’s different?

Zoe: Well, we’re just a lot funnier nowadays. Like with all our funny t-shirts and stuff.

Me: Well then you wouldn’t understand what friendship was like when I was your age!

Zoe: Oh yes, I understand! All you did was sit around on benches saying, “Yo, what’s up?” except those words hadn’t been invented yet. 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 26

 "I would rather be a bird than a cat because I don't want any baby cats sucking on my nipples."

-Eva

Baby lesser goldfinch in our yard last week

(does not breast feed)

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"I need to get buff so I can lift (my cousin) Delilah (age 2). She weighs, like, eight pounds!"

-Eva

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Zoe: How tall is the average fifth grader?

Me: I don't know, but Doctor (pediatrician) can tell us!

Zoe: Oh! Is she still alive?

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"I didn't know that old people could be smart. I thought all they cared about was having fun with their grandkids and telling everyone that Jesus is real!"

-Zoe

Grandparents having fun with their grandkids

(even though Delilah is so heavy)

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"Can we go shopping at a store that has new stuff instead of the store that has stuff people have already owned?"

-Zoe

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"Mom, did you know that you could get plastic surgery to make all your lumps go away?"

-Zoe

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"I never knew how attractive Diary of a Wimpy Kid was."

-Zoe

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"I'm going to invent a french fry flavored snow cone."

-Zoe

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“No one likes it when grown people does flirtin’!”

-Zoe

Doing flirtin'

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Eva: I made a new best friend today!

Me: That’s great! What’s your new best friend’s name?

Eva: I don’t know, but she said I can call her Dunkin Donuts.

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Daisy: Mom, can we sue the school?

(She asks me this everyday based on whatever complaints she has at the time)

Me: [explains the complexities of “suing”]

Daisy: Oh, I just thought suing meant writing them an angry email. 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 25

 “I’m not right handed or left handed. I can use either hand. Like at school, I can raise my left hand.” 

-Zoe

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“I love birds. Except for evil ones. My favorite birds are eagles and parrots - slash - macaws.” 

-Eva

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“My friend has like 8 or 14 kids in his family. I bet his mom doesn’t have a belly button cuz of how much birth she does.” 

-Eva

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“I saw one of my friends from school at the 4th of July parade. He’s one of those tank top kind of boys.” 

-Eva

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“I think my spirit animal is a wolf because I like meat, I like to bark, and I think the moon is beautiful. Hey, that actually gives me a great idea for a novel! It’s about UFOs!” 

-Zoe

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“Mom, I see the beginning of (friend’s) crack all the time.” 

-Eva

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“It’s okay if you read your book as long as you look up every three seconds to see me playing Zelda…. By the way, it’s been three seconds!” 

-Eva

Things the Kids Say: Episode 23

Me (singing): We only got four minutes to save the world!

Zoe: Four minutes? That isn’t very much time. You should have at least four decades to save the world!

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Eva: I’m going to brush my hair for 25 minutes.

(She didn’t brush her hair at all. Never does).

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Zoe: The purpose of dance is to twerk in front of boys you love.

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Me: Cell phones used to only be for emergencies, and they couldn’t take pictures.

Eva: That’s dumb. Whoever made those phones made really bad choices.

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Zoe (in the van): It smells like an old woman in here.

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Zoe: I only kiss things that don’t have bark on them.

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Zoe (to her primary teacher who gave her a magazine at church): Magazines are really good for when I’m constipated and I have to wait a while for my poop to come out.

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Nicky: I didn’t get a single wiener drawn in my yearbook this year.

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Me (singing Bohemian Rhapsody): Mama! Ooo-ooo-ooo!

Eva: Why are you singing a song about Grandma?

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Me: You should go for a bike ride.

Daisy: I’d rather eat carrots.

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Eva (to me while I watch a period drama): Why do you watch so many shows with boring colors?

Things the Kids Say: Episode 22

Zoe: Mic drop!

Eva: Who’s Mike Drop?

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Eva: Can we go to an adoption center and get a baby brother for our family?

Me: Well, kids aren’t like puppies. You can’t just go to a shelter and pick the one you want. It’s a little more complicated than that.

Eva: So how do you adopt kids?

Zoe: You order them online. Duh.

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“My mom was born in 1921.”

-Zoe

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“Why is cheese so magical?”

-Eva

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“Those are disgusting.”

-Nicky, regarding my new pants

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“Mom, have you done sexing four times? Is that why you have four kids?”

-Zoe

Things the Kids Say: Episode 21

Zoe: For some reason I’m obsessed with boys!

Me: Oh! Are you starting to think they’re cute?

Zoe: No, I just mean that I give all my stuffed animals boy names.

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Daisy listening to “Kiss” by Prince:

“This sounds horrible! He screams worse than Zoe!”

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“Now that Nicky has done his drug test, he can do all the drugs he wants. It’s not like they can swap his pee!” 

-Zoe, who kind of terrifies me

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Nicky after eating Smart Food popcorn:

“This popcorn tastes like Play Doh… but in a good way!”

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Zoe: I rub beans on my toes every night.

Eva (yelling): NO YOU DON’T!

Zoe (yelling back): Eva! It’s just a metaphor!

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“Zoe cleaned our room, and now it’s not my habitat anymore. I’m used to messy places so I need to live somewhere else.”

-Eva

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“I learned more watching Bill and Ted than I’ve learned from my AP world history class.”

-Nicky

Things the Kids Say: Episode 20

After a conversation about dairy products…

Zoe: Can my body make milk?

Me: Yes. When you have a baby, your body can make milk to feed the baby.

Zoe: Is that why babies suck on nipples?

Me: Yes.

Zoe: So I have udders? OHMYGOSH! Eva! We have udders!

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“I’m not good with these old-fashioned vacuums!”

-Zoe while using a broom

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Nicky: When I grow up, I sure hope I don’t have your gas problems!

Me: I know! Gas is so expensive right now!

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“This family is full of drama queens!”

-Zoe while watching Bluey

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While playing a board game…

Nicky: I’m going to lose no matter what.

Zoe: Did you try cheating?

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Me: I need to buy some toilet wand refills.

Daisy: What’s a toilet wand?

Me: You know those scrubby things we clean the toilets with?

Daisy: Oh, so it’s not something from Harry Potter?

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“My mustache looks so much better with my braces off!”

-Nicky

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“Is that Jesus?”

-Eva

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“This guy needs a therapist.”

“Is it supposed to sound like this?

“This is the stupidest thing ever!”

-Daisy while listening to Bohemian Rhapsody

Things the Kids Say: Episode 19

Zoe: Mom, what is this stuff?

Me: Velteeta

Zoe: Belbeetee? 

Me: No. VEL-VEET-TAH!

Zoe: Velbeetus?

Me: Let’s just go with cheese.

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Scotty: I’m working on my dictuation.

Britt: You mean ‘diction?’

Scotty: Yeah, that!

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Zoe: Rabbits have 20,000 tastebuds, and humans only have 9,000. Except for me. I have 9,001.

(I googled this, and none of those numbers are correct).

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Zoe: Imagine how good German pancakes must taste to a rabbit!

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Eva: Are you even listening to me?

Zoe: Do I look like a girl who listens?

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Eva: Why is it called a ‘honeymoon?’

Zoe: Because you get to be with your honey, and you can stay up all night looking at the moon.

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Zoe: I’m really good at best case scenarios.

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Eva: Can I watch a show on your phone?

Scotty: No.

Eva: I think you said ‘yes’ wrong!

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Me: I must have slept weird. I have a bit of a kink in my neck.

Eva: You have a neck?

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Zoe: I only eat granola bars that have sprinkles or 59 chocolate chips.

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Eva: Where does Nicky keep his cocaine?

Me: Do you even know what cocaine is?

Eva: Yes, it’s like breath mints.

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Zoe: How many cousins do I have?

Me: I have no idea. Our family is so big that I can’t keep track. 

Zoe: What about Luke and Logan?

Me: They are your cousins by marriage but not by blood. They don’t have the same blood we do, but they are still our family. 

Zoe: Is it because I’m cold-blooded?

(With our combined siblings (biological, half, and step) Scotty and I have over 60 warm-blooded nieces and nephews).

Things the Kids Say: Episode 18

"Has anyone we know been to jail? Like John Cena or Grandpa?"

-Eva

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Me: We need to obey the laws so we don't go to jail.

Eva: Meh. I'd be fine going to jail. I hear the food is free there.

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"My life has been horrible ever since I stopped twerking."

-Nicky

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Me: Would you like to wear clean clothes to school today? It seems like you've been wearing those shorts for a few days.

Eva: No, thank you.

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"Some people in my class don't have stress problems, but I was born into a family with stress problems. I mostly get them from my dad."

-Eva

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"Lydia wasn't at church today because she is hurt, but I can't remember what happened. She either broke her arm or got bit by a snake."

-Eva

(Lydia had a stomach ache)

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Zoe: Dad, what's the score at the football game?

Scotty: 0-15

Zoe: Wow, the cheerleaders must be doing a terrible job!

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"We're playing managers. I'm the manager, and Eva is the step-manager."

-Zoe

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"It smells like Florida here."

-Zoe, in Florida

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Me: Thanks for remembering to clean up your dishes.

Zoe: It wasn't my pleasure.

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Eva: I hate Chinese food.

Me: You just asked me five minutes ago to take you to Panda Express!

Eva: That's Utah food. Duh.

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"I'm not interested in cleaning up."

-Eva

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"There's a man with no head what* drives a bus, and I just saw him, and I know he's real because I read about him in a magazine** while I was pooping."

-Eva

*She always says 'what' instead of 'who' or ‘that.’

**The only magazines in our bathroom are the Church magazines

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"It sounds like death."

-Eva, waiting in line for Expedition Everest at Animal Kingdom

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Eva: Mom, why won't you go?

Me: Because the light is red.

Eva: So, who cares?

Me: I have to obey the traffic laws, or I'll get a ticket.

Eva: Good. Then you can use it to go to Disneyland!

Me: It's a different kind of ticket! A bad kind! A ticket means I broke the law, and I would have to pay $250.

Eva: So the same price as Disneyland? No big deal. Just go. 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 17

Eva: I don't want to wear a helmet.

Scotty: What if you crash and hit your head and die?

Eva: I could live with that!

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Grandma: I have the book Guitar for Dummies.

Eva: Oh good! I'm a dummy!

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"I keep forgetting that Wednesday is a day."

-Daisy

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"You should have named Nicky Adrian. He looks like an Adrian."

-Zoe

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Me: I want to go to an art exhibit that I saw on Facebook.

Zoe: You know you can't trust anything you see on Facebook!

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Eva: Mom, can I have a pet fish?

Me: Nope. Remember we're going on vacation in three weeks. We can't get any new pets.

Eva: That's okay. My fish will be dead by then.

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"That was almost as good as Planes: Fire & Rescue."

-Nicky after watching Top Gun: Maverick

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"I have an associate's degree in therapist-ing."

-Nicky

Things the Kids Say: Episode 16

A prayer by Eva: 

"Hevenny Defadduh (Heavenly Father), please use your magic to make Daisy stop saying bad words like, 'peepee.'"

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"Hey, Eva! Text [Aunt] Amber and say, 'Can Zoe and Eva come to your house?' But don't use any poop emojis, or she'll know it’s not from Mom!"

-Zoe

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"My bladder is like a gallon Ziploc bag."

-Nicky

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"It smells like rotten eggs and six-day-old soda in here!"

-Zoe, referring to the van

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"I'm flirting with the man in the mirror!"

-Nicky singing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson

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"(Aunt) Amber allows anything! Even caffeine!"

-Zoe

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"I have a really bad font."

-Nicky, referring to his handwriting

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"I have a little bit of an accent. I have no idea why. It's just the way God made me."

-Zoe

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"I can't wait to go to Saint George so I can twerk with no shirt on."

-Nicky