It's the first day of winter (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: It's the last day of school before winter break, so I have approximately four hours to finish getting ready for Christmas or everything left to do has to be done in the presence of four hyper and emotional youths. 

Fact #2: Last weekend my girls had their Christmas dance concert. This is the first one they've had in about five years. Our studio usually does one every two years, and then there was COVID, so ya know...

Fact #3: I was excited to get our Charlie Brown photo op out in the yard yesterday. This year I made a sign to go with it so people know it's okay to go in our yard and take a photo (last year people commented that they saw it, but they didn't know if it was okay to come in our yard, so they didn't stop for a photo). I refurbished the sign I made for our school's COVID photo booth in 2020. 

Fact #4: I have a new eye wrinkle. I discovered it in a photo that was taken of me two weeks ago. It looked like there was something black in the corner of my eye, and I zoomed in to find that it was a divot! In my face!!! I showed it to Scotty, and even he was like, "Whoa! That's crazy!"

Fact #5: On Monday night we went to Candlelight Christmas at This is the Place Heritage Park with my in-laws. 

It was not my kind of event. Going in and out of tiny pioneer houses with masses of people is not my idea of fun. But I endured. For the children.

Fact #6: I've realized this Christmas that I do a lot of enduring and not a lot of enjoying. I'm trying to figure out how to fix that. Instead of embracing the holiday season, I'm just checking everything off my list to get it over with. 

Fact #7: I've banished Zoe and Eva from using toothpaste indefinitely. After fifteen years of cleaning up toothpaste, I finally quit. I took their toothpaste away, and they can try it again at some future point. For now, they only get water and mouth wash. I would definitely prefer that they use toothpaste, but since toothpaste isn't necessary for oral health, and I'm sick of having it smeared over every surface of my house, I've banned it.

(I've tried toothpaste tablets and a wall mounted toothpaste dispenser. They did not solve the problem. I've also tried pre-pasted toothbrushes, and they were gross, so my kids refuse to use them). 

Fact #8: In other bathroom-related news, I lost my patience with people putting toilet paper the wrong way, so I hung this sign by the TP. My children can tell their therapists about their passive-aggressive mother someday when they're working through all their crap. 

Fact #9: Since Christmas is on a Sunday this year, there's a lot of buzz about how families handle the church thing. I have some church-going friends who refuse to go to church on Christmas. I have friends who are adamant about attending church and make their kids wait until after church to open presents. We lie somewhere in between. We go to church, but we don't make our kids wait to open presents. We fully plan on arriving to church with particles of gift wrap clinging to our bottoms. We're always up by 5:00-6:00 on Christmas morning, so we'll be fighting and feasting on breakfast casserole before the sun comes up. 

Fact #10: I have no motivation to do anything regarding Fact #1. 

Forgiveness, Can You Imagine?

Indiana Jones and I hate snakes. The thing I dislike most about snakes - and perhaps Indy would agree with me - is that by the time I realize there’s a snake nearby, it’s already way too close to me. Fortunately, I’ve never crossed paths with a dangerous snake.

(Did I just jinx myself?)

There are often stories told of people who get bitten by poisonous snakes, and they immediately seek revenge on the snake by hunting it down. Since they waste vital time pursuing the snake, the venom seeps deep into their bloodstream, and by the time they receive medical attention, it’s too late. They lose a limb, or worse, their lives.

Elder H. Burke Peterson told one such story in General Conference in October 1983. Then he said: 

What will you do when hurt by another? The safe way, the sure way, the right way is to look inward and immediately start the cleansing process. The wise and the happy person removes first the impurities from within. The longer the poison of resentment and unforgiveness stays in a body, the greater and longer lasting is its destructive effect. As long as we blame others for our condition or circumstance and build a wall of self-justification around ourselves, our strength will diminish and our power and ability to rise above our situation will fade away. The poison of revenge, or of unforgiving thoughts or attitudes, unless removed, will destroy the soul in which it is harbored.

There are two important lessons I have learned personally about the venom removal process of forgiveness:

Lesson 1: Forgiveness cannot be conditional upon an apology.

I realized a few years ago that I was holding on to hurt and anger and waiting for an apology from someone. I wanted that apology something fierce! I felt like I deserved it. I knew I had been deeply wronged. I felt like I was excused from the act of forgiveness as long as that apology was pending.

It’s much easier for me to forgive someone who says they are sorry. There’s just something about the admission of guilt that puts me at ease. Consider it a character flaw; I want you to be sorry! I just do! And when I know you are, I get over it.

I knew, though, that I was never going to get an apology, and if I didn’t move on without that acknowledgement of wrong-doing, I was essentially holding myself prisoner. Freedom could only be attained through forgiveness regardless of whether the offender apologized.

In the First Presidency Christmas Devotional in 2018, President Russell M. Nelson said:

Through His infinite Atonement, you can forgive those who have hurt you and who may never accept responsibility for their cruelty to you. It is ususally easy to forgive one who sincerely and humbly seeks your forgiveness. But the Savior will grant you the ability to forgive anyone who has mistreated you in any way. Then their hurtful acts can no longer canker your soul. 

Sitting around waiting for an apology is like trying to hunt down the snake after it bites you.

Lesson 2: Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

I think many people struggle with forgiveness because they are not able to reconcile with the offender. Reconciliation requires a restoration of trust and includes ongoing contact. The result of forgiveness can be reconciliation, but reconciliation is not required. In some cases, reconciliation is not possible because the offender is deceased, in prison, or living far away. It may also be that reconciliation is not healthy or safe (Walton and Hendricks, 2012). 

In the most recent General Conference, Sister Kristin M. Yee gave a wonderful talk about forgiveness. She said:

Please know that forgiving someone does not mean that you put yourself in a position where you will continue to be hurt. We can work toward forgiving someone and still feel prompted by the Spirit to stay away from them.

Forgiveness is separate from reconciliation. Likewise, forgiveness should not be mistaken for legal pardon, condoning, or forgetting (Walton and Hendricks, 2012). 

Noted researcher Everett Worthington stated, “Forgiveness does not occur within a relationship. It occurs within the forgiver” (2006). Sometimes forgiveness has to be one-sided.

 There are several models of forgiveness that have been outlined in scholarly literature. Some are interpersonal models with reconciliation as the goal. Others are intrapersonal, such as Worthington's (2001) cognitive-behavioral, five-step process which I will summarize here.

R.E.A.C.H.

1. Recall the hurt. It’s human nature to try and protect ourselves from pain, and to do this, we often try to deny or forget the discomfort of the offense. To forgive, it’s imperative to acknowledge the wrong-doing and be clear about the manner in which you’ve been hurt.

2. Empathize. In order to forgive, it’s important to try to understand the transgressor’s feelings.

• Was the offense committed knowingly or was it an honest mistake?
• What were the pressures that influenced the offender to commit the offense?
• Is there an understandable reason for the offender to disagree with the victim about the seriousness of the offense?
• In what ways might the offender have been victimized in the past?
• What pain might the offender be experiencing regarding guilt and remorse? 

3. Altruistically give the gift of forgiveness. Be humbled by your own shortcomings and offenses. Show special gratitude for the occasions when you have been freely forgiven.

I like to think of this step as remembering the Atonement - that Christ died for me any my sins, but He also died for those who would hurt or offend me. Sister Yee said, "The same Son of God who atoned for my sins is the same Redeemer who will also save those who have deeply hurt me."

4. Commit publicly to forgive. Forgiveness is more successful when the victim verbalizes the commitment to another person. This can be done by telling a friend or counselor. Other options are writing in a journal or writing a letter.

5. Hold on to forgiveness. As time goes on, it’s normal to still be occasionally haunted by the pain of the offense. When thoughts revert to the painful injury, the victim is reminded that the decision to forgive has already been made. Forgiveness does not replace painful memories. The pain should be a reminder to move forward instead of revisiting the transgression committed (Walton and Hendricks, 2012).  

I share the following story with permission:

A close friend of mine was molested by her father as a child, and eventually, her father took his own life. She has often been upfront with me about her father’s actions, but she has never spoken of him with animosity. It has always been evident that she loves her father despite the pain he inflicted on her. I asked her recently about her forgiveness process. She told me that her process is cyclical. Sometimes she is at peace, and other times, she still feels the pain of his choices.

I don’t know if she has come to the place where she has fully forgiven her father, nor do I believe that her pain is evidence that she has not forgiven him. Those answers lie within her heart. But I know that either way, she is removing the venom. One way my friend is healing is by being involved in suicide prevention. She has found a unique perspective in her adversity, and she’s using a foundation of personal experience to help others.  

I think forgiveness can be likened unto the seed that Alma spoke of. If, in our hearts, we simply plant a desire to forgive, and if we let the desire work within us, the forgiveness process will begin to unfold. It may take time, but the seed will swell. It will increase our understanding, and we will know that the seed of FORGIVENESS is good (Alma 32).

The ultimate example of forgiveness is, of course, Jesus Christ. Elder Marion D. Hanks said:

Christ’s love was so pure that he gave his life for us... But there was another gift he bestowed while he was on the cross, a gift that further measured the magnitude of his great love: he forgave, and asked his Father to forgive, those who persecuted and crucified him. Was this act of forgiveness less difficult than sacrificing his mortal life? Was it less a test of his love? I do not know the answer. But I have felt that the ultimate form of love for God and men is forgiveness (1973).

Upon the cross, the Savior didn't hesitate to remove the venom. He didn't wait for an apology or excuse himself from the act of forgiveness due to the severity of the snake bite. I admire Him deeply for that choice, and I know that that is a man who loves without question. 

-----------------------------------------------

"Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life," by Elaine Walton and Hilary M. Hendricks, published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. 

Top Twelve Board Games of 2022

For the past few years, I've compiled a list of our top ten board games for the year. The list is based on our game night ledger - the official record of the games we play at every game night and who wins. I tally how many game nights each game was played (as opposed to how many times we played it - since some games are shorter and can easily be played multiple times) to determine our top ten each year. 

This year flew by in terms of gaming. As I reviewed the ledger, I was surprised how many games we didn't play in 2022 (Mariposas, for example, which is one of my favorites!) My list of Games to Play Immediately is now excessively long, and I'm going to need Scotty, Chad, and Carlie to take at least two weeks off work so we can rent a cabin in the woods and catch up on our gaming. 

For this year's list, I ended up doing the Top Twelve because of a few ties. Here they are: 

#12: Thurn and Taxis

Thurn and Taxis (rhymes with axis) is an oldie but goodie that we’ve been playing for about 15 years.

#11: Quixx

Quixx was new to us this year. It’s a simple and fun dice game. 

#10: Princes of Florence

Princes of Florence is a game we laugh about because we always forget how to score it. 

#9: Qwirkle

For the record: I never win Qwirkle.

#8: Love Letter

We had to buy a new copy of Love Letter this year because ours was so beat up! We miss the original game and artwork. Change can be hard.

#7: Bloom

I love the bright colors of Bloom - another dice game by the same company that did Quixx.

#6: Splendor

We’ve enjoyed Splendor for many years now. 

#5: Viticulture

Viticulture was new to us this year. It’s a fun game, but a little on the long side. Sometimes I wonder, “How are we still playing this game?”

#4: Bohnanza

“Beans,” as we call it.

#3: Take 5

Take 5 is another new game for us this year. 

#2: 7 Wonders

7 Wonders is one of our favorites and has been in the top three every year.

#1: Wingspan

And there she is… our Number One for three years running: Wingspan. I play at least one round every day on my phone. But that doesn’t count toward our tally. It’s just a favorite all around! 

Here are our lists from past years: 

2019

2020

2021

The Proust Questionnaire

A few days ago, while I was supposed to be asleep, I was scouring the depths of Pinterest looking for writing prompts when I stumbled across something known as the Proust Questionnaire. I’ve never heard of the Proust Questionnaire, and I only know who Proust is because they talk about “reading Proust” in the Gilmore Girls.

Apparently the Proust Questionnaire has been utilized for over 100 years, but funnily enough, it seems a lot like the standard internet-circulated questionnaires we all shamefully answered and forwarded to all our friends via email in the early 2000’s… ya know… when Gilmore Girls was on the air. 

…and when we still used the phrase, “On the air.”

Anyway, the Proust Questionnaire is supposedly a series of questions Proust answered at some point in time, and for some reason, it’s special, and I’m sure that if I answer the same questions (while waiting for my kids at a birthday party at a trampoline park), it will make me intelligent and respected. Because it’s Proust-y (although Proust didn’t write the questionnaire, and it was used before he ever answered it, so I don’t know why it was named after him, but whatever. I don’t make the rules).

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Feeling a sense of “overall appreciation for life as a whole” (happiness as defined by sociologist Ruut Veenhoven). 

What is your greatest fear?

Something bad happening to my children.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

How critical I am.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Being critical.

Which living person do you most admire?

Honestly, I have no idea. I admire many people, but there’s not one person I can think of that I admire above everyone else. 

What is your greatest extravagance?

(A thing on which too much money has been spent)

Eating out.

What is your current state of mind?

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

I had to do a little googling to help answer this question. “Overrated virtue?” Hmm…

I’ve decided to go with “being busy,” which we sometimes falsely equate with success or worth. 

On what occasion do you lie?

ALL. CHRISTMAS. LONG.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

This is a horrible question. I’m going to leave it here because it’s on the list, but I’m not going to answer it.

Which living person do you most despise?

This is another horrible question. 

But honestly, I don’t have an answer. I confess, there are a lot of people I don’t particularly like, but I can’t think of a person I “most despise.” I also think that the only way I could answer this question  fairly is to name someone I’ve met in person and properly evaluated.

What is the quality you most admire in a man?

The ability to respect and be led by women.

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?

The ability to lift others.

For all sexes, I admire the ability to listen and to remember!

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“I’ll be in the van.”

“Anyway…”

“Hold on to your butts!”

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

I’m kind of obligated to say Scotty, right? Fortunately that’s 100% true!

When and where were you happiest?

There isn’t one time or place, but I always feel the happiest when I’m with my family, and everyone is getting along. I feel like all is right in the world and that there’s hope.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Anything musical! Perfect pitch would be nice.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would not get so easily annoyed about everything and everyone. 

Where would you most like to live?

If I’m free to dream, I would want to live in my grandma’s house with a few million dollars worth of renovations, but not in its current location. I’m not sure where I’d have it moved to in this elaborate dream of mine, but it definitely wouldn’t be where it is now.

Interestingly, my grandma’s house actually has been moved before. 

What is your most treasured possession?

My house. My perspective on home ownership has changed so much since we first bought our house, and I am forever grateful to have a space on this earth that is ours (well… ours and the bank’s… for now).

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

I’ve been reading a lot of other answers to these questions, and I’m going to give the same answer here as David Bowie:

Living in fear.

What is your favorite occupation?

I originally thought this meant occupation as in job, and I had no idea how to answer, as I’ve been unemployed for 16 years strong, but since I’ve read other people’s answers to this question, I’m happy to say that my favorite occupation (or way of spending one’s time) is reading.

What is your most marked characteristic?

I’m punctual and detail-oriented.

What do you value most in your friends?

Humor, thoughtfulness, reciprocity, reliability, and a listening ear. 

Who are your favorite writers?

Sally Hepworth, Kristin Hannah, Ruta Sepetys, Markus Zusak, Kate Morton. Kristen Harmel… I could go on and on… I don’t love all their books, but these are writers for whom, when a new title is released, I’m always going to check it out.

Who is your hero of fiction?

Veronica Mars. She don’t take no crap!

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

This is a weird question, right? I can’t think of any historical figures to identify with. 

Who are your heroes in real life?

Can they be dead, or are they supposed to be living right now? What are the rules here? I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s okay if they are dead, in which case, Eliza R. Snow, Harriet Tubman, and Joan of Arc.

What are your favorite names?

I wish I could answer more questions without first commenting on how weird the questions are. My favorite names? I guess my kids’ names. I mean, I picked them and all.

But I also really like the names Ed and Amadeus (my mother would be rolling her eyes right now in disgust). Maybe some day I’ll own twin goats and name them Ed and Amadeus.

What is it that you most dislike?

Mean girls. 

What is your greatest regret?

Not learning to play the piano. 

How would you like to die?

In my sleep on a good hair day when I’m old.

What is your motto?

“Wake up and be awesome!”

Finding Jesus

Like many families, we have a Little People nativity set. Each year after Christmas, I box it up with the rest of our holiday decor, and each year, without fail, a piece or two get left behind. It wouldn't be so hard for me to take those left-behind pieces out to the shed and put them away, but usually (because I am kind of lazy), I end up putting them in the toy bin with the rest of the Little People and reuniting them with the Nativity the following Christmas. It has never been a problem for Mary, the donkey, or one of the wise men to vacation with Snow White and Sleeping Beauty for the summer, except...

The time we lost Baby Jesus. 

When I got out the Nativity, He wasn't there. I searched through the kids' toys and all our Christmas bins over and over, and I couldn't find Him.

I started to fear that we'd become a Christmas metaphor. We were the Family With No Jesus. I was surprised when the First presidency didn't talk about us in their Christmas devotional - I guess they hadn't yet received word of our ultimate failure.

When I attended church on those December Sundays - I would think about how we hadn't found our Jesus. I would look around the congregation and think, "Do any of them suspect that we've lost Him? Can they see it in our countenances?"

Of course, I say these things in jest. The First Presidency and my Church congregation are not going to shun us for losing our Baby Jesus. What matters most is that Christ is manifested within us - not whether we have a plastic figurine of Him in our Christmas decor (though you have to admit, our Nativity was lacking a key element).

As I look back on the time I spent searching for a plastic figurine of Jesus, I reflect on how many other ways I can "find" Him.

I find Him in kindness - the kindness of others and the kindness I, myself, can provide.

I find Him in love - the unconditional type of love which is amplified by forgiveness.

I find Him in music - in hymns of praise and rejoicing, and in many other musics that reflect the nurturing and sharing of God-given talents.

I find Him in nature - in the very places that He created; in the beauty and majesty that testify of a maker and of a much greater plan.

I find Him in family - in the ways we serve and care for one another.

So many of my surroundings testify of Christ that it is never hard to truly find Him when I am searching for Him.

 

As for our Little People figurine, we found it the following summer under our computer armoire. It was there for over a year and a half. 

Happenings

It’s late Wednesday night, but I can’t shut down quite yet. My mind is racing, so I’m blogging. Here is a review of some of the things we’ve been up to over the past week:

For Young Women, Daisy (who is her class president) and I spray painted hundreds of popsicle sticks for the girls to make snowflakes. Here is the sample we provided:

 

And here’s how it went:

 

We went to Luminaria at Thanksgiving Point with my in-laws in lieu of a family Christmas party. This is the third year in a row that my family has attended, and it really is a nice event.

We had a family Christmas party with Scotty’s mom’s side of the family for the first time since pre-COVID. The theme was  “Flapjacks & Flannnel,” and being a family that doesn’t own much flannel, this gave me one more excuse to go to DI.

My mother-in-law had some of the grandkids dress as elves and deliver her neighbor gifts. The kids had a blast, and we got some fun photos. We borrowed the costumes from Scotty’s aunt Charlotte who has everything. If you ever need some strange, obscure thing, like a giant lighthouse or ten pairs of stilts, Charlotte probably has it.

(This is only a small portion of the 30-ish grandkids on this side of the family).

With another excuse to go to DI, I picked out a couple of books for everyone in my book club for Christmas (act surprised, Naomi!)

Nicky’s braces are OFF, and he is so happy! He got his permanent bottom retainer put in, and he got fitted for his top one, which we will pick up next week.

Daisy has been doing a lot of choir performances for school. They’ve been going to senior centers to sing, and this week she had a choir concert. 

We had dinner and games at Timber’s house where Nicky learned that Santa’s reindeer is named Vixen and not Vincent. He didn’t believe us, so he Googled it. Sucka.

My mom turned 60. I had to text three people and finally look it up on my Church record to confirm her age, lest I make a shmuck of myself by decorating her garage doors a year early. 

I made her a themed gift basket.

Not everyone can give their 60 year old mother a “smart ass” gift basket, but I can because that’s my mom’s love language.

In addition to that, we had Zoe’s school choir concert, a stage rehearsal for my girls’ dance concert (coming up this weekend), and a mission not-farewell. Then tomorrow is Zoe’s 4th grade skiing trip, so we had to go rent her gear and gather all the appropriate attire. 

Everything in this post has been from Wednesday to Wednesday.

When I’m feeling stressed, I look at this cat photo:

Feel free to take a screen shot to get you through the holidays.

Meow.