Sunday Sentiments - Doubting my Doubts

Earlier this week, President Dallin H. Oaks gave his first public address since becoming the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. President Oaks has been more quiet than I expected over the past four months, so I was very interested in what he would say at the BYU Devotional (fun fact - if you increase the talk to 1.5x speed, he sounds 20 years younger). 

President Oaks talked about overcoming doubts, which happens to be a repetitive topic of study for me this week. 

(Do you ever find yourself stumbling across the same subject matter through various sources unintentionally in a short amount of time? It happens to me frequently!)

One of the things that troubles me most about our day is the sheer amount of deception we are exposed to. President Oaks said, “An abundance of speculation and false information in podcasts and on social media surrounds us.”

In 2019, Elder Lawrence E. Corbridge said, “Never has there been more information, misinformation, and disinformation; more goods, gadgets, and games; and more options, places to go, and things to see and do to occupy time and attention away from what is most important. And all of that and much more is disseminated instantaneously throughout the world by electronic media. This is a day of deception.”

I feel constantly overwhelmed by the information I’m exposed to everyday that I have sift through for truth. There are so many things going on in the world right now about which I don’t know what to believe. It’s getting harder and harder to know what’s true and what’s real. This week was especially rough in that regard.

In a weekly podcast called Seeking Jesus, the host, John Hilton III, shared a story about a man who worked for the US Treasury. During an interview after breaking up a large counterfeit ring, a reporter made a comment that the man must spend a lot of time studying counterfeit bills in order to recognize them so easily. The man replied, “No, I don’t ever study counterfeit bills. I spend my time studying genuine bills, then the imperfections are easy to recognize. There are a lot of counterfeits in the world.”

In mortality we have secular knowledge and spiritual knowledge. I don’t always know where to go to fact check secular learning, but I know where to go for my spiritual learning. We don’t have to let secular and spiritual knowledge be constantly at odds, though. 

D&C 88:78 states “Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand.” 

What is theory? Well, I think of it as a “best guess” based on collected data. Elder Corbridge explained that with the scientific method, “a hypothesis is framed in response to a question. Experimentation is then conducted to test the hypothesis. The results are then analyzed, and conclusions are drawn that either confirm, disprove, or modify the hypothesis - in which event the process continues.” 

Can science yield incorrect results? You bet! Research is always evolving. That’s why, when using the scientific method, “the process continues.” Research studies are often examined and repeated to find errors and to see if the outcome is the same. 

President Oaks said that we need both methods of gaining knowledge - the scientific method and the spiritual method. He said, “There is no ultimate conflict between knowledge gained by these different methods because God, our omnipotent Eternal Father, knows all truth and beckons us to learn by both methods.”

President Oaks shared this quote from Elder Richard L. Evans pertaining to contradictions arising between science and scripture,  “There may be some seeming discrepancies. Do not worry about them. Eternity is a long time. I have a great respect for learning, for academic endeavor and the university atmosphere. . . . I have a great respect for science and scientists and for the search for truth. But remember this: science after all (even when it is true and final and factual) is simply man’s discovering of a few things that God already knows and controls in his ordering of the universe. . . . God has not told us all he knows. We believe in continuous revelation. Be patient. Keep humble and balanced in all things.”

I, personally, am elated when a scientific study aligns with what I believe spiritually. I encountered this a lot when I was going to school to finish my degree in Marriage and Family Relations. For example, there is a lot of research on gratitude that aligns with what we’ve been taught through the scriptures and the prophets.  

Something I’ve tried to be more open about in recent years is that I don’t “know” that there is a God. I don’t “know” that the teachings of my Church are true. This isn’t a personal failure or a character flaw, and that’s something I’ve had to learn. The prophet Alma in the Book of Mormon said "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true" (Alma 32:21). 

Knowing is not required. 

You can believe something without knowing, and you can choose something without knowing. Right now I am choosing it, but I have doubts and questions all the time. 

Here are a few things that have helped me wade through doubt:

Acknowledge what I want

When I’m questioning an aspect of the gospel, I ask myself, “What do I want the outcome of this doubt to be?” Almost always, I just want a better understanding of a teaching or doctrine. Sometimes I just have to accept that I don’t get to know everything.

Write things down

Anytime I experience something I feel is evidence God exists, I write it down. Sometimes I write the experiences in depth in my journal, and sometimes I jot down a quick note on my phone. I often open the file on my phone and read through my list to remember God’s hand in my life. 

Find a corner

In 2020, I wrote about grasping corners. When you grasp the corner of a Clorox wipe and pull, more wipes will continue to follow unless you break the perforation. No matter what doubts I have, there are certain aspects of the gospel that I consider “corners.” When I grab hold of one of my corners and “pull,” additional truths follow. Corners are the things that make sense to me, that I believe in strongly, or that I can’t dispute. 

Study the genuine bills

Like the man who worked for the US Treasury and identified the counterfeits by studying authentic bills, I go to my most veritable sources of study. 

(May I interject with a book recommendation? Seekers Wanted by Anthony Sweat. Read my review here).

Recognize feelings of gloom and darkness 

One way I discern truth is simply by the way I feel. There is a sense of gloom and darkness that I experience when I delve into certain sources of information. The opposite of this feeling is the spirit of light, intelligence, and truth. One of the reasons I continue to choose to believe even though I face doubts is the feeling of light I have experienced through my belief.

Remember that humans make mistakes

When my doubts result from the behavior of others, I try to keep in mind that we are imperfect beings. In my own service in the Church, I have made mistakes. There are some things I’ve done in past positions I’ve held in the Church that I’m embarrassed about and wish I could do differently. I need to remember to extend the same kind of mercy toward others that I hope they might extend to me. 

Now, I'm not saying that someone should be allowed to get away with or be excused from the worst of sins - sexual assault and abuse to name a few. But sometimes a person makes a poor choice, says something offensive, makes you feel invisible, mistreats you because of your gender or life circumstances, or just flat out does something mean. I want my relationship with God to be stronger than any of that. And since I've done a lot of those things, I know that they are not always intentional. 

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Honestly, I will probably always have doubts. I never thought it would be this way, but I have more doubts now than I did when I was younger, but as a result of my doubts, I have taken time to study things out more earnestly. I've become more sincere in my faith. The reasons I practice certain values and principles have become more genuine. 

In the end, I often come back to this idea: if I die and God is not real, I will never know I was wrong. I'll just... end and be none the wiser. But I don't want to not believe in God, die, and find out I was wrong. Maybe that's not the best way to live my faith, but it an idea I embrace.