Thoughts on Self-Worth

September Writing Challenge - Prompts #10 & 15:

Self-Worth & Letter

For most of this year, I've worked on earning my Personal Progress. Earlier this week I went in for my interview with the bishop to complete the process. I had the opportunity to tell him about the things I did for my value experiences and projects. I also shared with him some of my testimony of Jesus Christ.

One of the last requirements for Personal Progress is to write your testimony.

In my written testimony (and in talking to the bishop), I shared some of the things I've done to develop a closer relationship with Jesus Christ (I won't elaborate here, but I have always struggled to have a relationship with the Savior). I talked about two of the things I wrote about in this post. One being that I looked very closely at all of the art of Christ and identified some of the images that most closely resemble how I imagine the Savior to be.* The other being that I wrote a letter to myself  as if it were from the Savior.

Those things helped me grow closer to Christ, but I want to talk about the letter.

The letter wasn't easy. In fact, I didn't like doing it at all, but in hindsight, I can see how important it was for me. It was hard to write because in order to imagine a letter from the Savior, I had to be willing to see myself the way the Savior sees me. I've often been encouraged to see other people as the Savior sees them (or as God sees them), but until I wrote my letter, I hadn't thought a lot about seeing myself that way.

To look upon myself, knowing all of my flaws and shortcomings and being privy to all of my tantrums and selfishness, and to do so with compassion, love, and forgiveness is quite hard. But in doing it, I gained an entirely new sense of my self-worth.

When I was finishing my degree and working on my practicum, I read a study on a topic referred to as "perceived mattering." Perceived mattering is genuinely feeling like you make a difference - that you matter. Perceived mattering is an essential predictor of psychological well-being, and the key is the perceiving.You have to feel it. It's one thing to be told that you matter. It's an entirely different thing to actually perceive it. To feel it.

Sometimes I can perceive my worth. Sometimes I can't. Ya'll know I struggle with depression, and one of the worst things about depression is that it attacks your sense of self-worth. It seems so dirty, but there has been a lot of growth in the struggle.

When I truly look at myself through the eyes of the Savior, I can't not see my worth. I have to fight pretty hard to keep that perspective, but I can perceive that I matter.

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*If you are wondering, there are two pictures that I am drawn to the most, and both of them are pictures of Christ with children. This is one of them:

There's just something in His face and body language as He interacts with these children that depicts what I need the Savior to be. I need the Savior to be one who gets down on his knees to meet me where I am. 

And I need the Savior to look at me like this:

With pure love and understanding.

I also have to acknowledge the way the young girl is holding the Savior's arm. It's a grasp of stability. She is little, and she probably doesn't understand why she's holding him that way, but I do! He is keeping her steady.