All By Myself

September Writing Challenge - Prompt #17:

Alone

In my current phase of life, alone time is crucial to my well-being. I didn't know this about myself until recently. Last year I figured out that one of the most healing actions I can take is to kick my family out of the house for an evening so I can be alone at home. Scotty often suggests that I leave for a while to have a break, but sometimes I need everyone else to leave so I can spend some time alone in my own space.

Other times, I find myself alone in public for a quick minute. Like last week when my family was waiting in the truck while I ordered Papa Murphy's, and then the lad making the pizzas ended up being the slowest moving person on the planet (he sure was nice, though. He let me use lots of coupons even though they said "one coupon per visit" on them). 

During these brief moments of alone time, I have one of two reactions:

1. Rejoicing... because I have a moment to breathe and just... be

2. Panic... because I wasn't planning to be alone, and I don't know what to do with myself

Sometimes when I'm alone unexpectedly, I don't quite know how to handle it, and I end up feeling guilty or lonely. But when the timing is right, and when I'm prepared for it, being alone is really refreshing, and it helps me recharge.

Here are some things I enjoy doing alone:

• Going to the library - it's always nice to have the chance to meander a bit and not keep track of my kids
• Doing my Church callings - I'm willing to work with others, but it's always nice when I have a calling that allows me to just show up and do my job without having to counsel with or depend on other people (that's one perk of my current calling - primary music leader)
• Going to the temple - I enjoy going with other people, but it's also really nice to go alone once in a while. It gives me a better opportunity to ponder and experience some quiet
• Going shopping - I find that my shopping behaviors are heavily affected by other people. I've been to stores with people I feel like I can't buy anything in front of (and then I go back to the store later and get the things I didn't get while we were there). I've also had the opposite experience where I go with someone who makes me feel like buying everything I see. In fact, I used to have a friend named Erica (she moved and we lost touch) who was so much fun to shop with because she always loaded her cart with no reserve, and it made me feel wild and adventurous. Shopping alone, though, allows me to be more authentic in what I buy, whether it be in a responsible manner or a buy-all-the-things manner (I shop both ways)
• Driving - it's rare for me to be in the car alone, so it's a special treat when I have full control of the radio, and no one is talking to me or fighting in the back seat
• Cooking - this is one thing I wish I could kick everyone out of the house for, but I also desire to teach my children some life skills which means I have to let them in the kitchen 
• Riding my bike - most of my bike riding is done with kids which means I have no control over the speed or the distance, and I get weird requests like Eva wanting to ride next to me and put her hand on my thigh as we go. I've been sneaking on some rides by myself while my kids have been in school. Audiobooks make great bike ride companions
• Crying- I haven't figured out how to cry in front of other people. After 20 years, I still don't know how to cry around Scotty. I'm not much of a crier, in general. It's not that I don't feel emotions, because I do. They just manifest themselves in more of an angry and irritated sort of way. So when I really should cry, I just bite everyone's heads off instead. Every now and then, if the timing is right, I can get a good cry in while I'm alone, but sometimes I miss my window, and I don't get to cry when I need to.