Struggle
Over the past several years as I've grown my family and made drastic life changes like going back to school, I've experienced a side effect that can best be described as "falling out of love" with the temple.
It really got bad when our district temple, Jordan River, closed for renovations a few years ago. I consciously decided to not renew my recommend for a while. I didn't participate in the dedication when our temple reopened, and I didn't even experience FOMO for having missed it.
There was nothing specific that took my heart to this place. I can't look back and pinpoint a "thing." It was likely a combination of my phase of life, the time commitment of school, some worthiness concerns, and spiritual fatigue. I became weary from the rhetoric of "We are so blessed to have so many temples nearby. We have no excuse for not attending the temple regularly!"
I admit, I've had fantasies of living nowhere near a temple.
Oh, to be free of that pressure!
I didn't used to be that way. I used to love the temple. Before I had kids, I went every week. I remember what it felt like to love the temple, and I would like to have that back. I'm all for fixing damaged relationships. Sometimes I just don't want to do the work, especially if it means being uncomfortable for a while.
Through some genuine effort, I got myself to a place where I felt like I could have a temple recommend again. Then when Nicky got his temple recommend allowing him to do baptisms for the dead, I felt like it was really important to set an example of temple attendance for my son. Slowly but surely, I've started going to the temple again.
For one of my Personal Progress value projects, I focused on temple work. I've done a lot of reading and personal study as I've tried to learn to love the temple again. Someday I hope to find a book about the temple that really speaks to my spirit. I've read some books about the temple, and while I always find a gem or two in each one, none of them are the book for me. I'm sure it's out there somewhere, though. Perhaps an unfinished manuscript on someone's desk.
I wanted to share this struggle because I like to keep it real, and I know there's someone reading this who can relate - someone who's in that place. I want that person to know she's not alone. The wrestle is part of the growth. I feel like I'm going to experience greater learning as I move forward. I just had to step back for a while. And you know what? I'm okay!
Me.
Yesterday.
1 comment:
You bringing up the constant reminder that we should go often because we live close to temples can be hard for me to=guilt. I have to regularly remind myself that there are times and seasons.
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