Three Ways I've Grown Closer to the Savior

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with the Savior. It's a bit of a complicated relationship, though I don't think it's supposed to be. I think my relationship with the Savior should be simple, but one of my mortal tendencies is to make it complex.

I struggle to visualize Jesus Christ. I can't imagine myself in His presence, partially because I have no memory of Him on which to call. But also because the image I have of Him - the hair, the beard, the robes - is so unlike anyone I interact with that it's difficult to envision Him and me existing simultaneously, not to mention having a conversation with each other.

The idea of Christ as a real person often feels abstract to me, yet, I have faith that He is real. Because of that faith, I have a strong desire to know the Savior better. I also feel that with the turmoil in our world, it's imperative that I have a strong bond with Christ.

That connection has not come easily for me. I've had to acknowledge that I need to put in some effort - I need to seek, study, and learn and go through my own "thing." But not only that, I need to be willing to feel and receive.

That has been one of my biggest hang ups in spiritual matters. I don't always want to feel and receive. Those experiences come with too much responsibility. If I feel and receive, then I have to do. And sometimes I just don't wanna. But more than that, I recently learned that I am terrified of feeling or receiving something artificial.

I want to have experiences with the Savior that are REAL, and I've cowered and resisted things I've felt because I've worried that they are of my own fabrication. This has held me back a lot in recent years, but several weeks ago, I dropped my guard and let myself feel and receive. I decided to not be afraid of what might be my own creation, of what might be "artificial." I let my thoughts, feelings, and ideas flow. I read my patriarchal blessing while I was in this state. I wrote some things down. And what I felt was so amazing and pure. I felt enveloped in divine love, I felt protected, and I felt sincerely happy. I opened a channel for communication between myself and God that had been closed off for a while. My fears dissipated. Then I realized, I want to feel this way ALL. THE. TIME. And if it's artificial, or of my own creation, I don't even care! Because nothing bad came of it. I felt powerful, and I wanted to go forth and serve, love, and share goodness.

Since then, I've been doing some intentional things to draw closer to Jesus Christ. Here are three things I've done:

1. Explored the Art

I appreciate much of the artwork that depicts Christ. I enjoy looking for symbolism - particularly the use of light and dark. I look at the body language of the subjects and think about what it means. I look at the hands, the eyes, and the mouths. All of these things represent something. But most of the artwork still keeps the Savior abstract to me. I love the art, but I don't usually take the image of the Savior in the piece and mentally place myself on the same plane.

I took some time to look very closely at artistic renditions of the Savior. I wanted to find a picture that would help me visualize Jesus Christ as I need Him to be for me. I combed through hundreds of pictures. Strangely, the one I connected with the most didn't show a face at all. It was simply a hand reaching out. But I did find a painting of the Savior (with a face) that I felt I could somewhat connect to (I'm not going to post it today because I want you to have the opportunity to do this yourself - if you so desire - without being influenced by my preference).

2. Turned to the Witnesses

When I was finishing my degree, I took a class called Teachings of the Living Prophets. In that class, I came to better understand that the primary role of the prophet and the apostles is to testify of Jesus Christ. 

Joseph F. Smith taught that "These twelve disciples of Christ are supposed to be eye and ear witnesses of the divine mission of Jesus Christ... they must know, they must get the knowledge for themselves. It must be with them as though they had seen with their eyes and heard with their ears and they know the truth. That is their mission, to testify of Jesus Christ..." (in Conference Report, Apr. 1916, 6).

Since taking that class, I listen more carefully to what the prophets and apostles say about Jesus Christ. Typically at the close of their Conference addresses, they will bear testimony of Christ. As I have studied the past two General Conferences, I have underlined what these witnesses say about Christ while keeping in mind that they must have this testimony with them as if they have seen with their eyes and heard with their ears. 

3. Wrote a Letter

This is where I had to set aside my fear of the artificial and let things flow freely. I wrote a letter to myself from the Savior. I was scared to do this. I didn't know if I could. It required me to take everything I know about Jesus Christ and create His words and His counsel for me, personally. It required self-compassion and an acknowledgement that I have value and worth. It required me to stare at a blank paper for a really long time and then to write, cross out, and write again. Pretty soon, the words flowed, and I don't think that letter was entirely my own creation.

_____________________

The photographs are of statues from the Light of the World Garden at Ashton Gardens at Thanksgiving Point.