Conversations with Pioneers: Episode 3

Today, in the state of Utah and other surrounding areas, we celebrate Pioneer Day, commemorating the era of pioneers coming to settle in the Salt Lake Valley. 

Whenever I contemplate pioneers, I can’t help but wonder what they would think of our modern-day life. Thus, I have created my own imaginary pioneer, affectionately named Pioneer Pearl, with whom I discuss our current world. You can read my previous conversations with Pioneer Pearl here and here.

In honor of Pioneer Day, allow me to once again visit with my fictitious friend, Pearl.

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Pioneer Pearl: What are those large circles on your head?

Me: Mouse ears.

Pioneer Pearl: What are they for?

Me: They don’t have a function. We just wear them because this is Disney World, and we can!

Pioneer Pearl: You bring your family here and wear mouse ears that have no purpose?

Me: Correct.

Pioneer Pearl: So everyone here is pretending they are a mouse?

Me: No! Some are pretending to be princesses or villains, and those people over there are pretending to be ducks!

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Pioneer Pearl: What is this cold, jug-like thing full of white liquid?

Me: It’s a gallon of milk.

Pioneer Pearl: Oh! Delightful! How many cows do you have?

Me: None. 

Pioneer Pearl: Goats, then?

Me: None.

Pioneer Pearl: Where does your milk come from?

Me: Walmart.

Pioneer Pearl: I’ve not heard of that animal before. How often do you have to milk your Walmart?

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Me: I’m waiting to buy groceries on Friday because Smith’s is doing 2X fuel points.

Pioneer Pearl: Points? Will you be participating in some kind of game?

Me: No. I’ll buy groceries, and I’ll earn points to use for discounts on gas.

Pioneer Pearl: So you’re going to spend money to save money?

Me: Exactly! In fact, now that I think about it, I have enough points in my McDonald’s app to get a free Happy Meal! 

Pioneer Pearl: They have a meal that makes you happy?

Me: Well, no. It actually tastes like depression, but it’s FREE!

Pioneer Pearl: Free with the points that are not from playing a game, right?

Me: Yes!

Pioneer Pearl: So how many depressing meals did you have to eat at McDonald’s to get a free Happy Meal?

Me: 18!

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Pioneer Pearl: What is this that you’re doing?

Me: It’s a game called The Oregon Trail. I’m a wagon leader guiding a party of settlers from… Oh no! I just died of dysentery! Hahaha! Every dang time! Hahaha!

Pioneer Pearl: Dysentery is funny in 2023?

Me: Of course! It’s been funny since at least 1974 when The Oregon Trail came out.

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Pioneer Pearl: I’ve noticed that nearly everyone in your family has holes in their pants. I’d be happy to help you mend them if you’d like!

Me: You’re never gonna believe this, but…

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Me: Oh! It’s time to stand up!

Pioneer Pearl: Why do you need to stand up?

Me: My watch told me to.

Pioneer Pearl: You have a device that tells you to stand up?

Me: I sure do!

Pioneer Pearl: Do people in 2023 forget to stand up?

Me: We sure do!