Mayday, It's May

May is the month I lose my marbles.

The other day, as I approached an elevator at the orthodontist's office, I reached into my purse, pulled out my key fob, pointed it at the elevator door, and hit the unlock button. 

Guess what! The elevator didn't open! And I thought, "Crap! Now is a really inconvenient time for my battery to die. I really need to get downstairs." The fact that my brain took the time to consider that the problem was a dead battery before it realized that key fobs do not open elevator doors is evidence that I've completely lost it. 

May is such a crazy month. There is so much to do from dance concerts to school events to daily chores. Here are some of the side effects of the end of the school year:

• I taught Junior Achievement for the kindergartners, and I lost my manual the week before the last lesson. I showed up at the school and just made stuff up. I filled the time by letting the kids take turns showing me their owies. Did you know every kindergartner on the face of this earth has a scabby elbow? True story. 

• Zoe hasn't taken her backpack to school in almost a month. 

• I took my kids through the McDonald's drive thru for breakfast THREE TIMES last week because I couldn't manage to fix them breakfast. Then yesterday, I did it again because we didn't have any food other than cereal, and all the bowls - including the random Pyrex dishes - were dirty. 

• I had to move my McDonald's cups to make room for my new McDonald's cups (it's really embarrassing when you go through the McDonald's drive thru, and you still have McDonald's garbage in your vehicle)

• Everyday my daughter asks me to sew the head back on a stupid teddy bear that she got for Christmas. Might I add that the head fell off on Christmas? It's from the dollar store. Can't we just let it rest in peace?

• Eva wears two different shoes everyday. I don't even put forth the effort to make sure they are on the correct feet. Two lefties? Whatever. A cowboy boot and a Paw Patrol sneaker? Don't care. 

• I've stopped trying to abide by our budget. Whatever it is, stick it in the cart! I'll put it on a credit card and figure out if we're broke later. 

• Daisy wants to be in the 3rd grade talent show with her friend whose mom doesn't speak a lot of English. We can't understand each other. So the friend might be coming to our house tomorrow until 7:00 or she's coming to our house at 7:00. Or maybe none of the above. I don't even know. But Daisy has been planning this since August. I need it to end!

• The car battery died on me the other day. 

• My whole body aches like I ran a half marathon (believe it or not, I actually know what that feels like), and I have a pain in my lower abdomen that I'm hoping just goes away because I don't want to deal with it. 

• My van smells like pee and sausage mcmuffins. 

• So does my bathroom.

• And my couch.

• I don't plan on seeing my kitchen table or counters until June at the earliest. 

• The other day I found Nutter Butters in my bed, and I was too lazy to get up and throw them away, so I ate them. Someone had already licked the peanut butter filling out. 

• One of our chickens died today.

• The day before Easter, we went on a family picnic. Everything we took with us is still in my trunk.

• I destroyed an umbrella a few weeks ago because I fell on top of it while it was open. 

• The thought of doing my church calling makes me want to throw up.

• I vacuumed up pennies yesterday just to get them out of my life. Now my vacuum makes funny sounds. 

• I also tried vacuuming a pile of grass in my girls' room (everyone's kid has a pile of grass and dead ladybugs in their room, right?) and clogged the hose. I can't find anything long enough to stick in there and push the grass through. I'm currently waiting for the grass to die - hoping it will take up less space when it's dried out and therefore, dislodge itself.

• I have a library book sitting on my counter that's three weeks overdue. I see it everyday, but I can't for the life of me take it back to the library.

And there you have it! A small glimpse of the mess that I am. 

How many days left in this month?

Never mind. Don't answer.