Currently {April 2018 Edition}

Reading: Nothing. It just dawned on me that I don't really have a book in progress right now. I must remedy this post haste!

(I have a few I've downloaded on Overdrive and haven't been very thrilled about. I also have one from the library and one from my book group that I should probably start exploring. I have options).

(But can I be honest? I don't really feel like reading right now).

Update: during the creation of this post, I paused to read There's a Wocket in my Pocket to Eva.

Watching: Gilmore Girls - again.

Wanting: A new oven. I'm "in the market." We aren't to the point where we absolutely need a new oven, but our oven is original to the house, and the stove has been questionable for about ten years now. We've replaced some parts, but three of the four elements have to be wiggled to get them to turn on (not good for canning season).

I've been trying to decide if we should go for the double oven or opt for the more affordable single oven. I've dreamed of having a double oven for years, and they have come down in price a lot (much more affordable than the low-end $5,000 models of yesteryear).

If I do get the double oven, I will be sacrificing the oven drawer, which we kind of need for pots and pans. Our house has very little storage space, so I'd have to do some storage scrambling. Also, the bottom oven is so low to the ground that the door basically opens and rests on the floor. Do I want to work with an oven that low? But most of my cooking would be done in the upper oven, and twice a year when I bake Papa Murphy's, I will be a very happy woman! The bottom oven is a convection oven, which is very exciting! But that requires a learning curve as I will have to adapt my baking times. Pros and cons, folks. Pros and cons!

Craving: Corn Flakes. Did you know that I have a Corn Flakes problem? I guess it's better than a drug problem.

Here I am talking about fancy ovens when all I need in life is a box of Corn Flakes!

Wearing: A BYU shirt, workout capris (that I actually worked out in!) and a jacket.

Singing: "Never Enough."

I am truly fascinated by the phenomenon of having songs stuck in one's head.

In high school, my friend Wendy told me that "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" had been stuck in her head for most of her life. I could empathize with her because, for much of my life (and still), I'd had "That's What Makes the World Go Round" from The Sword and the Stone running through my head. I'd never heard of another person having A Song like that. Anyone else out there have this problem, or are Wendy and I a special breed?

It's like... if my brain pauses for a second, it gets antsy to fill the void, and it automatically turns to "To and fro, stop and go, that's what makes the world go round."

And I kind of hate it. And I think, "No! Not again!" And this has been happening to me since I was about two years old.

Relieved by: feeling a little less depressed than last week. Hopefully it really was just an after effect from being sick. I'm still more tired than usual, but I don't feel as down. I started snapping out of it on Tuesday. Fingers crossed that I continue to improve. I'm seriously blown away by how much that strep affected my life. It destroyed me!

Stressing about: Medical bills. Not the expenses, per se, but the errors. In the past week, I've had to call my insurance company twice, my dentist twice, the pediatrician's billing office three times, and the hospital's billing office once. I ended up paying a bill that I shouldn't have had to pay just so I wouldn't have to make another phone call (luckily it was only $10). For some reason we had a bunch of medical billing issues hit at once (some from our insurance from Scotty's job he left a year ago). We aren't normally this saturated!

We haven't started getting the bills from Daisy's ER visits yet. Hopefully they will be correct so I can just pay them and move on.

Neglecting: my abs. They need work, and before I got sick, I was doing the work, but now I haven't engaged an abdominal muscle since before Easter.

Trying: to allow myself two desserts a week. I've found that when I do this, I enjoy my desserts so much more! As sugar's biggest fan, it's incredibly difficult, but it really pays off when I get to mindfully enjoy my limited sweets each week. I've already cashed in my two this week, so the weekend might prove difficult! Any time I've done this in the past, I've made sure to save at least one of my desserts for the weekend, but I'm out of luck this time. Hold me back!

Feeling: a little uptight, angry, and opinionated. Thank you to everyone who has listened to me rant this week.

Buying: new make-up. I decided it was time to try a new product, so I splurged on some It Cosmetics CC cream (I usually use Bare Minerals). I'm excited about the SPF 50. I also re-started my Ipsy account.

MAKE-UP!

MAKE-UP!

Loving: blossom season. I adore the flowering trees.

Worried about: my kids (of course!) but right now, in particular, their friendships and their health have been the most pressing for me.

Thankful for: friendship, a comfy bed, and good hair days. 

Spontaneity, where art thou?

I don't know if the word spontaneous has ever been an appropriate word to describe me. I mean... sometimes I do things unexpectedly and on the fly, but other times I really need to plan and prepare. Perhaps I'm just the right amount of spontaneous. Maybe I'm responsibly spontaneous.

Who am I kidding? I have no idea what I am!

I do know one thing, though... when it comes to socializing, I've become a lot less spontaneous as I've gotten older. 

Why am I even talking about this?

Because last night I drove past the house of a friend, and something told me to stop. I had this vision of going to her door and saying, "Let's just hang out. SPONTANEOUSLY!" and then we sit on her front lawn for hours while the kids run around and we just talk and laugh, and we let it get dark, and we don't worry that there's school tomorrow. We just allow the time pass, and we end up staying outside for way too long and getting mosquito bites, but it doesn't matter because it's good for both our souls, and every time we scratch, we remember that we were bitten during good times.  

I debated whether this was possible. I even drove past her house again a little while later, telling myself that if she were outside, that would be my "sign." 

She wasn't outside.

I didn't stop.

But I wish I could have. I was too worried about interrupting her evening or being met with rejection. Are those the right reasons to not attempt a spontaneous visit to a friend? I don’t really know.

Maybe I'll try it some other time but with planning and prep work and well... no spontaneity whatsoever.

First Quarter Check-In

My New Year's resolution for 2018 is to focus solely on scripture study and see what happens. Since the first quarter of the year has passed, I figured I'd check in.

I want this endeavor to change me - to fix me, if you will, but I've found that most of the time, I don't see big results from scripture study. I think most of the blessings and improvements that come from reading the scriptures are small and happen over time with consistent effort. I want to be able to see some sort of results, so each month, on Fast Sunday, I fill out a self-assessment. It has 22 statements regarding different areas of my life I want to improve, and I rate myself on a 1-10 scale. I haven't yet compared my assessment from one month to the other. I'm going to look at all the data at the end of the year. I've done four assessments so far, and I already know that I'm in a pattern of "rise and drop." Even though there are drops from month to month, I hope that over time, I drop less so I make a climb overall.

I read a great analogy in a not-great book last night. The writer was talking about how we are swimming up stream with so much pushing back against us. She said that it doesn't matter how far down the stream we are as long as we are still swimming in the right direction. It's better to be further down the stream and still going the right direction than to be up the stream lickety split and end up going the wrong way. We develop strength as we keep pushing through.

Regardless of my poor summary, it made a lot of sense to me when I read it.

The first month of my resolution went very well, as one might expect, since I was highly motivated. I studied the scriptures every day as well as other material (manuals, conference talks, BYU speeches, etc). I felt really good - I had the Spirit with me, and I was growing and improving in many ways. Then February hit. I continued studying daily, but the magic wore off, and I regressed in some areas. I felt like the benefits of studying the scriptures were less noticeable, and I missed about two days of study in February.

(I will never be one of those people who can say something like, "I've read from the Book of Mormon every day for fifty years." I will always have days where I forget).

The regression is nothing new to me and nothing unexpected, so I was excited for March because I could start fresh again. March was okay. I studied most days and missed a few. Overall, I didn't feel highly affected by my efforts - but I stuck with it.

Now it's April, and I'm still sticking with it. I've been reading from the Book of Mormon every day, and then I try to study something from our recent General Conference. I'll be honest, I don't feel like anything amazing is happening, but I also know how Satan works, and I know that's exactly how he wants me to feel. So I'm going to keep going. I'm sure there are blessings and benefits that I'm just not aware of, and perseverance is key.

It Depends

A while ago my BCIL (best cousin-in-law... it's a thing) Cyndi posted this "would you rather" questionnaire, and I told her I was going to swipe it from her. Then I started really thinking about it, and I remembered how hard it is for me to work through hypotheticals. My answer is almost always "it depends," because I first need to ask thirty questions to explore the scenario more accurately (which is a very annoying habit, I admit).

So let's just say that "Would You Rather" is not a good game for me. See?

Would You Rather...

1. Hike or bike?

It depends. Is the terrain the same in either scenario? Because if it's on a mountain, I would rather hike. My feet are safer on the ground. But overall, I'd rather ride my bike on a paved trail for miles and miles than go for a hike.

2. Watch Star Wars or Star Trek?

It depends. Is there an option to say neither? If forced, I'd probably go with Star Trek. But are we talking about the movies or the TV series? Or both? Because if I have to watch a bunch of Star Trek series, I'm better off watching the Star Wars movies because I'll get it over with sooner.

3. Kindle or paperback?

Paperback. Okay, that one is easy. But I've been known to download digital books from Overdrive on free Wi-Fi in waiting rooms.

4. Hawaii or Alaska?

It depends. What season is it? I have always wanted to go to Alaska, but I don't want to have to wear snow gear. So I would say that if I have to wear snow gear to go to Alaska, I'd rather go to Hawaii, but if I only have to wear a light jacket, I choose Alaska.

I will interject that I refuse to die in Alaska like Chris McCandless, though. This is a topic Scotty and I have discussed at length. Scotty sees Chris McCandless as somewhat of a hero. I think he was reckless and made poor choices. This will forever be debated between us.

5. RV or tent?

It depends. Where am I going camping? If it's an organized campground, I don't mind a tent because there are bathrooms, and tents are less bulky and do not require dumping a septic tank. If it's not in an organized campground, an RV is nice for bathrooming. But then the septic tank... ew. I grew up camping in both ways, and we had a lot of 'poop gone wrong' in both scenarios.

6. Pool or ocean?

It depends. I want the one that's less crowded. And I don't want to find myself in the middle of either of them!

7. Skiing or snowshoeing?

I've never done either, so I don't even know! I feel that I could enjoy or hate either one!

8. Explore space or the ocean?

Neither. Both are death traps. Haven't you seen the movies?

9. Group work or do it alone?

Alone. Hands down. Sorry, other people.

10. Hire a cook or a maid?

Sue.

11. Amusement park or mountains?

It depends. One amusement park is not like the other. I'm leaning toward mountains, but ultimately, I will go with whichever is less crowded. You'd think mountains would be less crowded, but not where I live!

12. Be on a survival reality show or a dating game show?

Oh gross. No to all. I choose Dancing with the Stars (though I don't qualify in any way).

13. Have nosy neighbors or noisy neighbors?

It depends. What kind of noise are they making, and how late are they making it? We have renters nearby, so our neighbors are always changing, and a few tenants ago, there was this guy with a horrible meathead laugh who was prone to finding humor outdoors late at night. I'll never forget that sound!

14. Be too busy or too bored?

Both are terrible ways to live. I refuse to choose (this makes Nicky so mad. He is always asking me "Would You Rather" questions, and I refuse to answer a lot of them, and it makes him furious. "You have to answer, Mom! That's the rule!")

15. Have school uniforms for my kids or their own clothes?

Own clothes. At the rate I conquer laundry, I need flexibility.

16. Sing like an opera star or be a gourmet chef?

Singing and eating are equally important to me, so I will take either one! Though, I hope I don't sound "too opera." I just want the range and power of an opera singer! I don't actually want to sing in operatic fashion unless it's for a SNL sketch or something. I will say, though, that if I have the ability to break a glass with my opera singing, I would be quite pleased. My goal: a Pyrex dish. Aim high. That's what I always never say.

17. Own my own boat or plane?

Boat. But let's be realistic, I would never be able to handle the upkeep of a boat, so it's best for me to own neither. Unless I get a crew. Do I get a crew?

18. Go out with friends or with your spouse?

I'm with Cyndi on this one. I love to go out with my spouse with friends.

19. Be Batman or Spiderman?

Dark and mysterious rich guy or prepubescent wall climber? I'm gonna go with the rich dude (but my real desire is to be one of the X-Men or to have the moves of Scarlett Johanssen as Black Widow without being Black Widow).

20. Have a Texas accent and live in New York City or have a New York accent and live in Texas?

New York in the summer and Texas in the winter, and I'll talk however it comes out.

Three

Yesterday was Eva's birthday. She's three - the age marked by simultaneous cuteness and sheer horror.

Bring it on.

Lately I've been mourning how fast my baby-having years have gone (I almost said "child-bearing" years, but it doesn't sound right since I am still within a reasonable age range of being able to have children. I'm just choosing to not have any more).

{Newborn Eva}

It really does fly by. It feels like I'm still new at this parenting thing, and yet, I'm fast approaching the teen years. How did that first baby get to age 11 so quickly? I'm no professional, but I've been parenting long enough to have learned a few things.

I wish I could have a "do over." I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and do things differently. There is so much I would change. My priorities now are so different from what my priorities were when I had that first baby.

And I'm still learning. Forever learning.

Because of that, I will always wish for "do overs."

But back to Eva...

She is three, and I can't believe it. In honor of this big milestone, here are some facts about Eva - in threes:

Three shows she loves:

1. Daniel Tiger

2. Pinkalicious

3. Curious George

Three things she says all the time:

1. But it's really special (when explaining to me why someone else can't use her stuff)

2. Get me milk (to which I respond, "How do you ask nicely?")

3. Me go Grandma's house?

Three toys she loves:

1. Dolls

2. Toy food

3. Dress-ups

Three things she loves to eat:

1. Fry sauce 

2. Yogurt

3. Strawberries

Three things she likes to do:

1. Swing

2. Ride bikes and scooters

3. Watch shows

Three things she hates:

1. Having her hair washed

2. Large crowds

3. Loud noises

Three things I have to hide from her:

1. Make-up

2. Chocolate

3. Lotion

Three places I really don't like taking her:

1. The store

2. Church

3. The doctor

Three things I love about her:

1. The way she says root beer
2. Her cute, little voice
3. Her ears (they look just like my ears when I was little)

Happy birthday, Eva. 

Now stop growing cause I can't handle it!

How Our Family Scripture Study Goes

Me: And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation... good grief, are you guys even listening?

Them: Yes

Me: Okay, who is the rock?

Them: Dwayne Johnson

(How did I not see that coming?)

The Last 17 Days

I haven't posted for 17 days. Last time I blogged it was almost spring break, and I was worried about how to entertain my kids for the week. Spring break came and went, and I missed most of it. I was wiped out with a really bad case of strep. Luckily the symptoms hit on Friday, so the worst of it occurred over the weekend while Scotty was home. I was in bed most of Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday, and most of Monday. I didn't eat or speak for three days. I had an antibiotic shot on Saturday, and on Tuesday I hadn't improved much so I went back to the doctor and and was given a stronger antibiotic.

Scotty handled all of the Easter events without me. Bless his heart. I decided to not feel guilty about it because I've handled hundreds of holidays, birthdays, and other events without him. His new job has sick pay (a first for us - and we are so grateful), so he was able to take Monday off to take care of the kids while I slept.

It was nice to not have to keep my kids busy over spring break, but it was kind of sad to have to miss the whole thing. I had one day with them before I got sick. We had a pizza party with friends. Then the next day I took them to lunch at Scotty's work, and that's when I was starting to feel achy and really tired. I also couldn't get warm. After about twelve hours, I finally thought, "Wait! Am I sick?" (It hadn't even crossed my mind that I might be sick).

I'm better now, for the most part, but I feel like I'm trying to crawl out of a pit. I can't get back to my routine, I'm still really tired all the time, and to be honest, I'm a little depressed and my anxiety has flared up. I don't know if it's from being sick or if it was already starting before I got sick. The anxiety definitely was there before I got sick - in the past few months I've been really worried about things I have no control over, but I didn't feel depressed. Now I don't want to get out of bed - ever. I'm really tired. I don't want to do anything, and I feel like I'm dragging. I hope it's just because my body is still recovering from being sick.

In the meantime, my strategies are to avoid social media and clean up my eating. I used to deny that social media had anything to do with my depression or anxiety because, after all, I "know better" than to let it affect me like that (I had to write several papers on the topic for school, and even though I was repeatedly face to face with the research, I still never believed it was me). But last November I went the whole month with no social media, and it made a very noticeable difference in my anxiety and depression. So crap. It is me.

And as for eating, I was doing really well before I got sick, and then I went on a steady diet of popsicles and Dr. Pepper (DP was the only thing I could drink that didn't hurt to swallow. Water hurt, DP didn't. So I lived off DP). It's so hard to reset after a drastic change in eating habits.

For now, I just want to sit. I don't want to move or exert energy in any way. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my living room sitting in the old, ugly recliner with my feet up and a rambunctious nearly three-year-old camping out in my lap (Eva turns three on Sunday. Can you believe it?)