To Love a Child

One of the things my son Nicky has had to face in his life is that he has been easy to ignore. All through his childhood, he was the kid who got skipped over any time someone passed out treats at school or primary. I can't tell you how many times I've seen him walk out of a class where everyone else has a treat in hand, and he has nothing, and then he says, "They didn't give me one." 

In elementary school, he was often brushed over. He wasn't much of a problem, but he also didn't stand out. He was always just sort of... there. Never teacher's pet. Never chosen for something special. At parent/teacher conferences I could always tell that his teachers didn't know much about him. His scores were fine, and that was enough, and he didn’t demand attention. He also didn't have a lot of friends. Casual acquaintances, yes. Kids who generally liked him? Sure. But not friends. Not someone to invite him over to play. So for a very long time, he had no social life, and I was in constant debate over whether that was okay. Scotty was that way growing up, but he never cared. He never needed friends. He always preferred to work rather than hang out with his peers. So I often wondered, is Nicky just like Scotty? Or is there something more to this? Most of the time, it didn't seem to bother him, but then one night, he came home from Cub Scouts crying over being excluded. It broke my heart (as those things do). 

Around ages 9-11, Nicky started to really struggle with anxiety. I wasn't sure what to do for him. He was terrified to talk to people, scared to be in his room alone (so we had Daisy sleep in his room), and sick to the stomach every day. We did a few things to try and help, talked to the pediatrician, and enrolled him in Tae Kwon Do. 

I started praying for an adult to come into his life who would take more notice of him and love him. A leader... a teacher... someone outside of Scotty and me who could see him. It’s not that his adult influences hadn’t treated him well or that they’d done something wrong (I don’t fault anyone); they just kind of looked past him, and I needed someone to pay more attention to him.

When he went into sixth grade, his teacher, Mrs. P was the answer to my prayers. Mrs. P was exactly what he needed. She loved Nicky. She got to know him, she cared about him, and she seemed to really enjoy him. For the past six years, Mrs. P has bought Nicky a book from the Scholastic Book Fair each year. 

In sixth grade, Nicky also started hanging out with his friend, Sam, who was another answer to a prayer. Nicky had always had his cousin Travis around, and he and Travis went to school together for many years, but after sixth grade, Travis moved, so we were so grateful to have Sam for Nicky to transfer into junior high with. 

Travis and Nicky in their last day of school together

Nicky still didn't socialize much until the end of junior high. During the last semester of 8th grade, all of a sudden he started "hanging out" with a group of friends (Sam included). He actually left the house! With people! He also had a few more teachers take notice of him and support and encourage him beyond the everyday classroom setting. He grew more confident, and I was so grateful, as his mother, to see him loved by other people. In one particular instance, Nicky had to ask a few adults to write character references for him to receive his Eagle Scout. He asked one of his school teachers who also happens to live in our neighborhood, and he wrote the kindest most detailed letter about Nicky. I was so touched by the things this teacher saw in Nicky and shared in his reference. That’s what I was looking for - someone to see and acknowledge Nicky’s specific strengths. 

Now Nicky is doing pretty well socially. He has the most amazing friends, and I just want to gather them all in my arms and kiss them each on the forehead and say, "You are wonderful! And you are wonderful! And even though you're a bit of a turd, I still think you're wonderful!" He also continues to have a few teachers who challenge him and give him new opportunities. He has been "picked" for special things, and a lot of adults trust and rely on him. He gets asked to help out a lot with yard and pet care when people go out of town. He got to have the lead roll in a class play for theatre last year. His boss seems to really like him, and he is willing to work with Nicky’s complicated fall schedule. His golf coach? Meh. On the golf team, Nicky has returned to his status of just sort of... there (Not enough golf bags for everyone on the team? Fine, skip Nicky). But you can't win them all. Now my worry is that Nicky is involved in too many things, but I check in with him regularly and try to help him identify when there's too much (this year of school came at him like a freight train - I tried to convince him not to do the golf team this year, but he still did it. I also tried to convince him to not join the swim team. That didn’t work, either).

It's such a blessing to know that people in our village love my son. 

And here is where I transition to what I really want to write today. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about loving the “difficult ones.” Even though Nicky was easily ignored for so much of his early life, I don’t think he was necessarily disliked. He was more “under the radar.” There are; however, children who are harder to enjoy and love. It might be that their behavior is challenging, it might be that they are incredibly annoying, or it might be that they just rub ya the wrong way. How unfair is it to not like a child? And yet, there are children out there that I struggle with and do not like. Ouch. At the same time, I understand how important it is for every child to be loved genuinely and fiercely. It’s important for the child, of course, but it’s also important for the child’s parents. Parents know when people find their children unlikable. As parents, we need other people to love our children. Sometimes children are completely resistant to the love of adults. They won’t acknowledge the things we do for them. In fact, they’re completely oblivious to what others do on their behalf - their brains don’t really work that way yet. But sometimes, parents can see someone else caring about their child, and it means the world - especially for those whose children might be more difficult to love. 

I do not practice perfect love toward the “difficult ones,” but occasionally, I have observed a hard-to-love child, and I have thought what would it be like to be this child’s parent? What would I hope for him? How would I want his leaders, teachers, or other adult influences to treat him and feel about him? With that I feel chastened and want to do better. 

Several years ago I had the opportunity to learn to love a child who was not well-liked. He was obnoxious, defiant, disruptive, and frankly… gross. He would shove stuff in his mouth and spit it back out covered in slobber. He was not well kempt. He didn’t relate to anyone - peers or adults. He wouldn’t follow directions, was completely disrespectful to everyone, and was the center of attention everywhere he went because he was difficult and demanding. He was the type of child that, in his presence, everyone else’s experience was ruined. I didn’t like him. No one liked him. But to continue doing my work, I knew I had to figure out how to love this kid. It was hard to do, but I started taking time to have one on one interactions with him. I had to learn his interests, and I had to be patient with his mannerisms. Sometimes I could ask him a question about himself and he would answer. Other times he would be unreachable and conversation couldn’t happen because he wanted to act like a duck or chew on his shirt. Over time I found that this kid could be very entertaining. His ideas and responses were sometimes so unpredictable that I started to look forward to what he would do next. Was he going to speak to me in his own language? Or tell me about a government conspiracy involving aliens? Or was he going to run away from me and make me chase him through a parking lot? (Sometimes he’d escape through a window, and I wasn’t limber enough to follow him. I lost him more than once).  

It never became easy to deal with this child, and I had to manage a lot of other people’s negative feelings toward him, but somehow, I was able to learn how to love him. It didn’t come easily at first, and it didn’t come naturally, but it did come. 

This is one success story. Unfortunately that’s not how all of my stories go. There are some kids for whom I’ve said, “Someone else is going to have to love this one.”

But the parent in me knows. Every child needs to be loved by someone outside of their family, so if we all figure out how to love a difficult child or two, maybe together we can get them all! You never know whose mother is pleading for it!