It's Day Six of Draft Week, so here's another post from my draft folder.
This post comes from October 2019, and it's interesting to think of everything that has happened in the Church and in the world since then. In this post, I wrote a bit about faith over fear, and it's amazing how much I've had to draw on that concept during the past four years.
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Begin.
Over the weekend, my Church hosted its semi-annual General Conference. I have a confession, I am among those who struggle with General Conference. I've taken some time to explore why this is, and I think I've come up with some explanations for my wrestle (I can't speak for others, but I'm sure there are many people out there who can relate to my reasons). I think for me it boils down to fear.
If you recall, a big theme in my spiritual learning for the past year has been FAITH OVER FEAR. On Saturday morning, as Conference was about to begin, I was feeling a bit tormented, so I knelt down and prayed. Soon after I ended my petition, I remembered the wording on the sign I recently bought from Ross:
I realized in that moment that I was approaching General Conference with FEAR.
What kind of FEAR, exactly?
FEAR of change
There have been a lot of changes in our Church in the past few years, and sometimes I don't have the energy to keep up.
FEAR of the buzzwords
This is so petty, and I shouldn't even say anything, but I get annoyed with the jargon. "Ministering," "Come Follow Me," and "Gathering Israel" to name a few. And then there's the one from twelve years ago that just won't go away! "Good, Better, and Best!"
FEAR of feeling unworthy or not good enough
Please know that I personally believe that it is never a Conference speaker's intent to make anyone feel this way, but it's a very natural reaction to the high standards laid before us during Conference.
(There goes my twenty minute timer. Who am I kidding? I can't accomplish anything in twenty minutes. Especially with how much parenting I've had to do).
A similar fear is that I will feel nothing. However, I am learning to embrace the feelings that come from the Spirit when they come and in whatever size or form - big, small, loud, soft, quick, or slow.
FEAR of what others think
I belong to a Church that's always under scrutiny from many angles. I hear and see constant messages of criticism from strangers and loved ones alike. Some are warranted. Others are not.
I have my own thoughts and feelings about things - my own struggles and wrestles (let this post be proof of that), but I believe. I really do. As I believe, though, those voices and those critiques are always with me, and they are ever present in the back of my mind during General Conference.
On Saturday, after I prayed, I felt prompted to acknowledge my FEAR, and then let it go.
Easier said than done, really. But as soon as I acknowledged my FEAR, I really was able to set it aside for a while. I had to be conscious of it creeping back in, but I was in a place of FAITH as I listened on Saturday, and some amazing things happened. Namely, I was able to see that I had been prepared for Saturday's messages. Just last week I finished reading The Priesthood Power of Women by Barbara Morgan Gardner.
I really like her. Confession, though: a lot of that book went over my head. "Priesthood" is a topic that makes me glaze over. But it still stimulated my intellect and put some thoughts in my head that made me very attentive to President Nelson's talk at the women's session. Interestingly, I had also read D&C 84 the Thursday before Conference while I was at the temple.
Do you know what's awesome? When the prophet asks you to do something, and you already did it two days ago.
I was also very pleased to hear Dallin H. Oaks quote D. Todd Christofferson:
It should be remembered that not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. It is* commonly understood in the Church that a statement made by one leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well considered, opinion, not meant to be official or binding for the whole Church.
This was significant to me because it was also shared in the book Seekers Wanted that I wrote about last month.
*I would change this to say it should be commonly understood in the Church because I'm not sure it "is."
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I think the reason this post never saw the light of day is because I worried that I was being critical of the Church. But all these years later, as I read it, I feel like I was just being open and honest about a personal struggle. In hindsight, I can see that I learned something valuable at the time I wrote this. I still think about "faith over fear" whenever it's time for General Conference, and it helps me a lot.
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