I’m Going There… Someday

This post is about the temple (and it's very long), so I just wanted to add a little preface before you dive in. I use some religious terms that might not be commonly known outside of my Church. I added a few links here and there if you want to click to learn more, but I steered away from explaining everything in detail for the sake of keeping the post from getting even longer than it already is. I am happy to answer questions or give more information or clarification for anyone interested. 

Also, I am a firm believer that the best time to act is when you feel inspired and not when you feel guilty. If this post inspires you, that's really cool! Just know that I'm not intending to make anyone feel guilty. And for those who are not religious or who once were and have stepped away, this post is not a judgement on you or what you believe or wrestle with. This post is based on where I am currently and how I want to implement my beliefs in my own growth. It's not meant to impose on others who feel differently.

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A few years ago, I wrote a very vulnerable blog post about my relationship with the temple. 

Today I need to write an even more vulnerable one - for myself and for people like me. 

Where to start?

How about here… this week I returned to the temple. I say "returned" because I hadn't been to the temple since February of 2020. Nearly four years. I have taken my kids to do baptisms for the dead, but I haven't performed any ordinances myself. 

One of my goals for my 40x40 project was to go back to the temple. I’ve never written about this goal on my blog, and I’ve never told anyone in person. No one but Scotty even knows that I never go to the temple. Now that it's December (and thereby, the final stretch), I had to decide whether I was going to tackle this goal. For weeks, I've been saying, "Maybe I'll go tomorrow." And then I don’t.

The other day, I finally got online and made a temple appointment for 9:30 the next morning. Thank goodness for the appointment system! That's the only thing that got me there - I felt committed. 

I know what I'm supposed to say about the temple. I'm supposed to say that I love attending the temple. I'm supposed to say that I feel such peace when I go there, and that I learn so much as I set the world aside.

Fortunately, I have felt those things. But minimally. In truth, the temple gives me anxiety, and I know that there are some of you who will read that and not understand at all. But there are some of you who just breathed a huge sigh of relief and said, "Me, too!" 

My first (and only) experience going to the temple as a teenager was a bit traumatic, so my temple journey started out rough. I won't tell the story here (this post is already going to be long), but suffice it to say - I only ever went once, and I've never done baptisms for the dead again. I likely never will. I mean, never say never, but here I am about to turn forty, and I have only done baptisms for the dead once in my life and have no intention of ever doing them again. Aside from the events that scared me away, I hate getting wet, I hate having an audience of people watching me get wet, and I hate changing clothes in public places (especially when wet). 

I've tried my best to provide good experiences for my kids with baptisms for the dead so they don't have the same anxiety I do about it. Even though I don't personally participate, I try to take my kids regularly. 

I received my endowment when I was 19 - prior to getting married. Despite what it sounds like from the baptism commentary above, I actually was ready to go to the temple at that point. I studied a ton and prepared myself in every way I could before I went. I was excited, and even though I was young, I was spiritually mature and raring to go. I was even looking forward to wearing garments! 

The first time I went to the temple was fine. It was the second time when I thought, "Okay, this is weird." But for a while, I had a lot of opportunities to go with family and friends, and for a few years, it went okay - weirdness and all. I relied heavily on the temple as a source of strength while dealing with infertility. I was familiar with the Jordan River Temple and could go there pretty comfortably. I developed a routine and never strayed from it - only doing endowments and only going to my one, familiar temple.

Sometime after I started having kids, the temple became more a source of frustration for me. It became harder to make time to go. I started feeling like I was constantly being guilt-tripped about it. I felt like, no matter how much time and energy I put into going to the temple, it was never good enough. I felt unworthy to be there a lot of the time. I also started to get really frustrated by changes in the temple - not changes to the ordinances, per se, but changes in the organizational processes. Every time I went to the temple, there would be some new way of assigning lockers or distributing names or dismissing patrons from the chapel. And from temple to temple things would be so different. I found some of the behaviors of the patrons and workers to be annoying. I also kept having embarrassing moments like putting my shield* on backwards for initiatories or walking into the wrong area or losing my locker key. Most recently, I was told I couldn't stand in front of a picture of Jesus in the baptistry, and I wanted to throw my hands up and say, "I can't do anything right here! Why do I even bother?" I don't like going to the temple because I never know what I'm going to have to deal with there. 

When they shut down the temples for COVID, I was relieved. I was supposed to be sad, but I wasn't. Concerned? Yes. But not sad. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders when I couldn't go to the temple. In fact, I've often daydreamed about living far away from the temple so I would have justified reasons to not go. People talk about how blessed we are to live so close to so many different temples, and I get that - I really do. But deep down, I've always thought it would be amazing to live far away from a temple and be able to make a rare and special trip of it. 

There's so much more I could say, but let me get to the point. Simply put, I struggle with going to the temple. It stresses me out. Most of the time when I'm there, I'm so high strung that I don't get anything meaningful out of it. My temple experiences don't match what is typically said in Conference talks or Relief Society lessons, and this has always made me feel like I'm spiritually inferior or doing something wrong. 

As COVID settled down and time went on, I knew I needed to return, but I also knew that the trip would be pivotal, so I was scared to go. I knew if I went and didn't have a positive experience, it would affect me for a long time. Essentially, my first trip back after four years was going to make me or break me. Part of the reason I kept procrastinating was because I knew that if one thing went sour, I could easily write off the temple for the rest of my life. I didn't want to give God an ultimatum ("make this good or else!") (if I know anything, I know that God doesn't work that way), but I had to plead with Him to get me through it. I had to tell Him how hard it was for me to take this step.

After I made the appointment, I got kind of emotional because I didn't want to go. Then when I got to the temple, I drove around the parking lot for way too long because I didn't want to go. Then I sent a Marco Polo to Shannon from my van telling her that I didn't want to go. I just didn't want to go. But I also know that sometimes, it's the things we don't want to do that are the most imperative to see through. I can tell you for sure that if there is an adversary, he did not want me there. But I went in, and of course, the first thing I did was try to hand someone my recommend to which they said, "Oh no, you scan it yourself!' and I was like, "Oh great! We are off to a wonderful start. I've already revealed myself as someone who never comes here." 

I went to the temple alone because that’s the way I needed it to be. I’m too prideful to ask for help. There was no way I was going to confess to someone that I hadn’t been in four years and let them escort me there. Also, I have a hard time feeling the Spirit when I’m with people I know. I have walls, and I can only let them down in anonymity. I needed to be there by myself so I could do what I needed to do.

I changed into my temple clothes and headed to the endowment session, but not without several mishaps on the way (I won't list them, but just know... I continued to embarrass myself and have frustrating interactions with other human beings all along the way).

I knew that there had been some significant changes to the endowment, and I knew what they were. I confess - I googled them earlier this year when they were implemented, even though that’s discouraged. Even with knowing what the changes were, I was still nervous because I knew things would be so different from every past session I've attended, and I was there trying to fake like I've been going there all along. 

I was pretty emotional from the moment the session started. I'm not normally a crier, but my eyes watered off and on, and I was worried the flood gates were going to be unleashed. I'm never prepared to cry because it's not something I ever really have to worry about, so I didn't know what to do with my eyeballs other than try to keep my make-up in check with random dabs from my knuckle. The funny thing was, on the way to the chapel, I had a feeling I should grab a tissue and put it in my pocket. Did I listen? Of course not! I thought to myself, "I don't have a runny nose, and my pockets are small!"

During the session, the Spirit was really strong. I felt stuff. Really, really good stuff. I remembered things. I learned new things. I wished I could have had a notebook with me to write it all down. Personal revelation flowed, and it was much needed. The changes to the endowment are beautiful and clarifying. There are a couple of one-liners I'm going to miss... but only because I thought they were funny (which just shows you how "off" my sense of humor can be sometimes), but the changes make a significant difference in the temple experience.

One thing that kept coming into my mind and heart while I was there was that I needed to be a voice of encouragement for others who have anxiety about the temple and for those who haven’t been in a long time. And that's what leads me here - I don't know how to invite people back to the temple, and frankly, I don't want to (I can't handle rejection, and I can hardly take care of my own spiritual needs, let alone those of others). So I asked, "Should I write about it?" and I felt like the answer was yes. And then I said, "It will be embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know. After all, I have some people fooled. They just assume I've been attending the temple all this time. I can't admit that I haven't been in years," and I felt like the answer was, "Tell them. Be genuine, and it will be okay."

It would be ideal for me to not have taken a four year break from the temple. But I did. And this wasn't the first time I've done that (although this time I at least maintained a temple recommend. I opted to not even hold a temple recommend in the past as I worked through some issues with a Church leader). I'm not going to say that it's okay to take a four year break, but I will say that the long break gave me some distance that is allowing me to come back and refresh a bit. I feel like I get to start over, and like I said, I received a lot of personal revelation at the temple this week. It felt good. So if you've been away for a long time - four years, ten years, twenty - whatever length of time it is, just remember that the Lord is willing to work with you where you are even if it's  a long distance from where you once were. He's working with me now. 

After I left the temple, I drove to a friend's house to deliver some Christmas presents, and she asked why I was dressed up. That led to a conversation about the temple, and I made my confession. "I haven't been since before COVID." And she said, "Neither have I. I need to go back!" We decided we will go together. It's good to know I'm not alone. This isn't something that's talked about openly in our Sunday meetings. Our Sunday discussions always follow the rhetoric of loving the temple and feeling such peace there, and that's what the conversation should be. But we shy away from any suggestion that going to the temple can be a major trigger for anxiety for many of us, and we feel alone or embarrassed about it. I feel like I'm a faithful, active, contributing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but I also feel like faithful, active, contributing members of the Church are expected (by each other) to be comfortable, regular, temple patrons, and not all of us are, and we feel like we have to fake it. I know the Lord appreciates His devoted temple goers, but I think He also appreciates those of us for whom temple attendance is a bit more difficult. I think He rejoices any time we work toward overcoming something challenging in our lives, especially when we seek His help. Isn’t that the whole point of mortality?

I feel really good about having gone back to the temple, but I've just gone once, so I can only toot my own horn so much. Now I need to keep going, and that's going to take some effort. 

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If you made it to the end, I'm impressed and would like to give you a cookie.

I wanted to add a couple of resources to this post. Any time the temple is discussed, there is a question of what is appropriate to say in regards to the sacred ceremonies, ordinances, and covenants. There are a couple of resources that I've used in choosing how to talk about the temple. One is this talk by Elder Bednar: Prepared to Obtain Every Needful Thing (if you want the short cut, skip down to the section titled "Home-Centered and Church-Supported Learning and Temple Preparation"). 

Another source is the book The Holy Invitation by Anthony Sweat. 

There are a lot of great books about the temple, but the reason I recommend this one is because anything he writes about in this book regarding the temple can be found in either scriptures or in properly recorded quotes from prophets and apostles. So if you read something in this book and wonder if it's okay to talk about, there's a reference for it where it has been talked about. 

Additional information about the temple can be found on the Church's web site specifically for temples. 

Lastly, I just want to put this out there for those who may not know, the temple covenants are now listed in the Church Handbook of Instructions (27.2). Elder Bednar clarified (in the talk linked above) that "we may discuss the basic purposes of and the doctrine and principles associated with temple ordinances and covenants." What we are asked not to discuss are, "the special symbols associated with the covenants we receive in sacred temple ceremonies. Neither should we discuss the holy information that we specifically promise in the temple not to reveal."

*These are no longer worn for this ordinance, so at least I'm not likely to do it again