A Few Thoughts On Speaking

From June of last year until April of this year I was speaking at events pretty regularly. Five months ago I spoke to the youth in my ward. Afterward someone asked me, "Do you get nervous when you speak?"

The short answer is, "Of course I do!"

In fact, I go through a pretty routine breakdown every time I speak. BUT it's not right before or during my presentation; it's a few days before, while I'm doing my prep work - putting the finishing touches on my outline and tidying up my Power Point slides. During this time, I am fully convinced that I'm a fraud and that I have no right to teach the things I do because I don't live them perfectly. I feel worthless and overwhelmed, and I think, "This is the last time I'm going to do this. I'm not good enough for this."

In March I spoke at a Relief Society birthday celebration. A few weeks prior to the event, I heard a lesson taught by a woman who was so soft spoken, so proper, and so reverent. Frankly, it wasn't my Spiritual language at all. Not that it was a bad lesson, it just didn't penetrate my soul. I had a brief moment where I thought, "Is this what I'm supposed to be like?" As I compared myself to this other woman, I thought that maybe I'm not reverent enough, and therefore, I shouldn't be speaking at anymore Relief Society events. I can be quiet, in fact, a lot of people who don't know me well assume that I'm a very quiet person. I know how to shut up. I can do that. But reverence is a little different. But then I felt a prompting from the Spirit that said, "No. Be you. There will be women there who need to hear what you have to say in your way. There will be women there who speak the same Spiritual language as you."

I heard a woman who speaks professionally describe the exact same thing happening to her. She called it a "vulnerability attack," and she said that it often hits her the night before she speaks (she speaks about three times a week).

I was so relieved to know that it happens to her, too, because she's totally amazing. I don't think she's a fraud or a hypocrite. So maybe there's a chance that I'm not either.

After hearing her describe it, I realized that during my own vulnerability attacks, I feel exactly how Satan wants me to feel. I mean, if I were the devil, and I knew someone was preparing a message that could inspire and uplift people, I would pull out all the stops to make them think they aren't good enough and that they shouldn't share that message. And that's what pulls me through - knowing that I have a message that might inspire people and that Satan would do anything to stop me. It doesn't make it easy though. If anything, this battle against the adversary makes it harder.

Once I'm actually speaking, I'm fine. My nerves settle, and I get into a pretty good state of flow. One of the best compliments I've received after a speaking engagement was when a Relief Society President told me, "You made us feel like we were chatting with a good friend."

In April, I had one of my best speaking experiences so far. What made it great was not my own efforts, but the efforts of the Relief Society sisters who invited me to come. They did a survey among their sisters to see what they were struggling with (selecting from the topics I speak on). They invited four wards (my biggest audience ever), and they were able to tell me exactly what their sisters needed, so I was able to tweak my presentation specifically for them. Then the Sunday after I spoke, they had their Relief Society council on the topics I spoke on.

I loved that they did this. I appreciated that they really wanted to learn and grow and take in what I shared with them.

It's been a while since I spoke. I needed a bit of a break, and I had to turn down a few events because I felt like I was spending too much time away from my family. I don't know what my relationship is with public speaking from here on out - I will just go by the Spirit - but I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had. I've learned a lot about myself, and I've been able to share some things that are very special to me.