Back in August I decided to try going off my antidepressants to see how I would do without them. I went about two months, long enough for any discontinuation symptoms to subside, and it turns out... I don't get to live without antidepressants.
My biggest depressive symptoms are anger, irritation, and feelings of worthlessness. I kept a mood log while I was off my meds, and pretty much everyday, I hated the entire world, so it was quite evident that I should go back on my pills. I didn’t want to, though, because they give me night sweats, and I was really enjoying NOT having night sweats. I considered trying a different antidepressant, but then I decided to just do what I know works rather than try new meds and have them end up not working for me or giving me worse side effects and prolonging my misery and hatred of mankind.
While I was waiting for the meds to kick in again, I was really starting to question my purpose. Not in a suicidal way (I’ve been very fortunate to not struggle with that this far in my depression journey) but in such a way that I felt like I wasn’t contributing to the world. I’d expired in motherhood because all of my kids are in school. I felt like I had nothing more to give in my ward and no longer had a place there (I’ve lived here too long. There’s nothing left for me to do here. Everyone knows my bad side now, so I no longer have influence). I wasn’t doing anything to increase my knowledge. I hadn’t attained a career. Most of my roles and relationships in my extended family had diminished. I just felt useless and like I had no value in any area of life anymore.
I had to consider whether it was depression or legit feelings that I needed to respond to with big life changes like moving, going back to school, or getting a job.
(Side note: This year, more than ever, I have been wrestling with the pressure to go back to work. When I pray about it, I feel like I need to continue to stay home, but logically, I feel like I need to get a job because it would help so much financially. I think I’m feeling weird about it because so many of my friends have gone back to work recently).
In sorting out my feelings, I decided to pray about it. I asked God to help me understand my purpose in my current phase of life.
Within a few days, I got a call from the Relief Society president in my ward asking me if she could come visit me. I thought, “Uh-oh! She’s probably on the Lord’s errand and coming over to give me purpose!”
That’s exactly what she did.
From then on, purpose just kept firing at me, and I’ve had purpose ever since.
I understand better what I’m supposed to be doing with my life right now, and it’s not work or school… yet. And it’s also not moving, even though I’ve expired in my ward.
So what’s the point to this post? I dunno, other than to say… don’t pray about your purpose or you’ll end up really busy.
2 comments:
Brittney, When you say "everyone knows your bad side" I'm thinking to myself, WHAT bad side?! Honestly, you keep things real and I've always appreciated that and felt like I could relate to you because of it. You are inspiring, please don't ever doubt that or forget it!
I can so relate to you when it comes to not wanting to be on antidepressants, but knowing it's much better than the alternative. I struggled with what my purpose was for most my life but especially when my kids were in school all day. Feelings of worthlessness are so hard to cope with. I understand your feelings of being all used up in our ward. I'm feeling that too. I would be heart broken if you moved, though. And personally, I feel you still have so much to give. Hopefully you'll see it too as more time passes. You are invaluable to me. I love you my friend. I'm here if you ever need/want to talk.
I don't understand why our minds entertain all these negative thoughts, but I do know that YOU and I both have a purpose and sometimes we just have to be patient in understanding it. You might think you're done with the mothering, but honestly, they need you at the crossroads now more than ever (the comings and goings home and other places). In between the crossroads, I found purpose in renewal of myself and of my home. I love you, dear niece!
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