Not Yet

For most of the past 16 years of my life, I've been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). When Scotty and I got married, that was something we hoped for - that I would be able to stay home with our kids. With that in mind, we tried to always live on Scotty's income alone. So prior to having kids, when I was working, I tried to put everything I earned into the bank so my income was never part of our lifestyle. 

We lived on the cheap. It doesn't even sound fathomable now, but back then, I budgeted $20 a week for groceries and $100 a month for "stock up." I did that for a few years - even after we had Nicky. Some of you who have been reading my blog from the beginning may even remember that I used cloth diapers for Nicky (and occasionally for the other three, but Nicky was exclusively cloth diapered for two years). I've always tried to be very careful with our money so I can continue staying home with my kids. 

(Please note that this isn't a commentary on anyone else's circumstances or choices. I wanted to be a SAHM because I felt like it was what my family would need. Being a SAHM comes with some privileges as well as some sacrifices. The same is true for working mothers. We're all just trying to do what's best for our families, and I don't feel like my choice is better than anyone else's - it's just different. But I will say that I made the choice prayerfully and carefully, and I am always reassessing to determine if it's still the right choice as our family moves into various phases of growth). 

When I left work to have Nicky, I thought I would end up working again within six months. The budget didn't work on paper once we added in the expenses of having a baby. I remember a few days after Nicky was born, Scotty and I stopped at a pastry shop, and I ended up crying on the way home, thinking I had just sabotaged our family by spending $13 - over half a week's grocery money - on baked goods. Granted, I was in the depths of post-partum depression, and I was incredibly illogical and hard on myself. I couldn't see that $13 wasn't going to destroy my life (so long as I didn't make it a daily thing). I wish I could go back and tell that young mom that she can enjoy her lemon bar guilt-free, and everything will be okay. 

To my surprise, things worked out, and I wasn't forced to go back to work within six months. Things were tight, but with the money I had put in the bank while I was working, we were able to pay off our hospital bills and our car, and that helped us stay afloat. 

(Being the young, naive individual that I was, I didn't realize just how much my hospital bills would amount to from having a baby. I'm not sure what I expected, but I remember being shocked as bill after bill rolled in. I was so glad I had put money in the bank while I was working). 

Now that all of my kids are in school, I am constantly revisiting my status as a SAHM. To be honest, I feel a little guilty that I am still "staying home." Some of my days are packed with doctor's appointments, volunteering, church meetings, and chores, followed up by afternoons and evenings of driving everyone around to their various commitments. And I think, "Wow! I'm very busy! I don't think I could work!" But then I have days like today where I can go to the gym for an hour, finish a book, take a long shower, and sit on my couch and blog. And those are the days when I feel the guilt. I feel like I shouldn't be able to do this. It's too privileged. 

But then something will happen - like a child getting sick, or a teacher needing a volunteer, or a shooting by the school during lunch hour - and I feel so grateful that I'm available. 

(Again, this is not a commentary on anyone else's circumstances. I am available in those instances. You might not be, and that's okay. We are fulfilling needs in different ways).

Scotty's income has grown significantly since we had Nicky, but we're still at the level of having "just enough" with an occasional bit of cushion that allows us to do a fun trip now and then (with the assistance of Sky Miles). We have always hoped to pay off our house, and I can't help but wonder how much easier that would be if I were making some money. Then there are concerns like, will we have enough money to properly retire someday? Can we stay afloat in a medical crisis? I don't want to find myself in a dire financial situation and end up feeling like it's my fault for not having worked for so many years. 

But thus far, whenever I go to the Lord asking about my employment status, I feel like I need to continue being a SAHM, at least for now. Someday, that might change, and I'm open to that prompting when it comes (which is why I pray about it continually). This week, I went through it again, wondering if it's time to go back to work. I felt the wave of, "not yet," and it was followed by a few tender mercies that solidified that answer. 

So here I sit. On my couch. With my laptop that is falling apart (just one more way I'm trying to save money). Blogging. Feeling guilty. But also knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.