When you have to run into a public place to deal with a bathroom emergency, and you don't put any thought into what you did with your car keys, and when you stand up from the toilet, they fall down inside your pant leg, and you have to do a strange jig to wiggle them down to the bottom where you can reach up your pant leg to grab them, but you are wearing skinny jeans that are a bit too tight, and you can't get your hand and your keys to meet, so after all that work, you have to pull your pants all the way down to your ankles to retrieve the keys.
When you're delivering Christmas gifts to your neighbors, and you see all the gifts on their porches from neighbors who didn't bring you anything.
When your kid takes a bunch of sticks out of the neighbor's yard and brings them home, and you really just want the kid to go put the sticks back, but it's probably poor etiquette to throw sticks on your neighbor's lawn, even when that's where they came from, so you just have to accept that his tree branches are now your problem.
When you buy something from the thrift store that you're super excited about, and you post a photo online, and someone tells you they just donated that very item last week.
When you're pretty sure you hear a burglar downstairs in your kitchen, but you're super tired and don't want to get out of bed to fight him off, so you just figure he can take whatever he wants as long as you don't have to get up.
When you're washing your car, but the car wash attendant doesn't properly guide you, so your tire hits the edge of the conveyor and jerks your car all over the place, and the attendant looks at you like you're an idiot, but they are the ones who are supposed to let you know if you need to turn your wheel.
When companies have costumed individuals standing out on the street trying to entice you to utilize their services, but ain't no man dressed like Lady Liberty ever convinced you to get your taxes done.
Additionally, when that waving individual on the street seems miffed that you're not waving back, and you're like, "Lady Liberty Dude, I am just not in the mood right now, okay?"
When you're rounding up kids in a public place, and you're trying to gather the wrong kids, and their mom looks at you like you’re some kind of kidnapper, and you’re like, “Oh please! Like you’ve never tried to take someone else’s kids from the park before!”
Likewise, when you scold a kid at the store and then realize it's not yours.
When you're buying a large item at Costco and you can't see very well over the cart, and you crash into a lady talking on her cell phone.
When someone let's their dog jump all over you, and they say, "Let me know if he's bothering you," and you smile while thinking, "Why would you assume that this is not bothering me?"
When you're at the OB/GYN, and they call out "Brittany," but two of you stand up, and suddenly you're in a Brittany Show-Down!
When you look more pregnant that the other Brittany, only you're not pregnant at all.
When a man at church has a super cute baby boy, and you are ooing and ahhing over the little guy and suddenly say, "Can I have your baby?" and all you meant, jokingly, was "This baby is so cute and squishy, I could just take him home and keep him," but instead, you've essentially asked the dad to procreate with you.
When there are new employees being trained at Cafe Rio, and you know what goes on the tostada, and they don't, so you coach them through it like you own the place, and you kind of feel like a jerk, but you can't just stand there and let them make their tostadas wrong!
When someone is walking down the middle of the parking lot row, and you're stuck driving behind them thinking, “It’s okay, man, I love taking 20 extra minutes to get the hell outta Walmart.”
When you're in the dressing room at TJ Maxx and the lady in the room next to you is talking on her phone to her therapist, and the details are so juicy that you kind of feel dirty, but at the same time, it's not your fault she's having this conversation in a public setting! And you really wanna see what this woman looks like, but you don't want to have an awkward run-in coming out of the dressing room, so you scope out her shoes under the stall and hope to find her wandering the store later (alas, in this case, you never find her).
When you're approaching your van, and you use the key fob to open the sliding doors, and a bunch of garbage blows out.
When you go to Costco and choose not to get a cart because you're just there so your daughter can buy a Squishmallow, but then you see that the 25 lb bags of flour are finally back in stock, so you grab one and carry it around the store like Luisa, but then you buy a drink for yourself and your daughter on the way out, and your daughter announces that she can't possibly carry a Squishmallow and a drink, so you're stuck acting like it's perfectly normal to carry a 25 lb bag of flour and two sodas across Costco whilst also keeping your receipt available for the door check.
When you make a formal announcement on the internet that you're going to quit drinking soda on Monday, and then you don't.
When you go to the donut shop and they tape your donut box closed as if you're not going to tear into it the second you get in the car.
When you smell something weird everywhere you go, but it takes you all day to realize that it might be you.
AND...
This is for Cousin Cyndi...
When you're wiping your daughter in a public restroom, and a hard turd ball goes flying off her bottom and rolls into the occupied stall next to you, to which you respond, "Oh crap!" while reaching under the stall with toilet paper to retrieve it.
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