Note to Self

I've debated whether to post this. I'm not looking for sympathy or to tell a sob story. The reason I'm writing this is because there are some things I might need to remember later. 

Today, I'm in a lot of pain. 

For five weeks, I've been in a lot of pain. 

It started on February 18 when my legs felt sore. Within a couple of days, I started having pain in my hips and shoulders. Over time, the pain continued to migrate. It went to my ankles and wrists and increased in intensity. Since February 18, it has spread through my whole body and continues getting worse. At first it was bearable, albeit annoying, but now it’s interfering with my life. Fortunately, I get a few brief hours of relief every day under a heavy dose of ibuprofen. During that time, I'm still in pain, but there's enough relief that I can get some stuff done. I work as hard as I can during that time and completely exhaust myself. The ibuprofen takes about two hours to start working, and then I get about 2-4 hours of mobility.

I've been to the doctor. She ran a bunch of tests, and everything came back negative. I'm grateful... because the tests were all for stuff I really don't want to have, but I'm left with no explanation, and therefore, no treatment. 

I could tell you more about how things went with the doctor and what some of her theories are, but that's not really what I want to accomplish here. This is what I want to say... mostly to my future self... who I hope is no longer suffering with this. 

Be grateful for everything your body can do. 

If you can brush your hair, get in and out of the shower, or roll over in bed... give all praise for those abilities.

If you can take off your own shirt, walk up and down stairs, or lift something off a high shelf... enjoy it.

If you can climb in and out of your car, tuck your shirt in, open a jar, or vacuum your floors... live it up. 

Right now, I can't do those things easily, and some of those things, I can’t do at all. 

In the past, when I’ve experienced pain, I’ve had the thought that if I'm ever blessed to feel better, I’ll never take my body for granted again. Then when the pain is gone, I forget the part where I’m not supposed to take my body for granted. This time, if the pain goes away, I really don’t want to forget! I want to recognize the ease with which I can lift my arms over my head. I want to roll from my left side to my right side in the middle of the night and say, "Scotty! Look what I can do! Isn't it amazing?" I want to celebrate the ability to sit down or stand up without worrying that I will fall.

So that’s why I’m writing this - so I can look back on the time when I struggled to get off the toilet by myself, couldn’t get to my daughter quickly when she pulled a door on herself, and had to ask my husband to help me change my clothes everyday, and remember that a mobile body is an absolute gift.