Ten Years

Ten years ago today, I forced my first child from my womb. Like, really forced. Nicky was a week overdue, and I was dilated to less than a one. I often joke that Nicky didn't want to be born. He took two years to conceive, and when I was finally pregnant, my first test was defective, my second one was so faint I couldn't tell if there were two lines, and my third one, at the doctor's office, was recorded as negative, but the nurse told me it was positive, so I still wasn't sure whether I was pregnant. Nine months later, when it was a little more obvious that I really was pregnant, my body refused to go into labor. When I was finally in (medially-induced) labor, Nicky still wouldn't come out. His heart rate kept dropping while I was pushing, and I had to choose between a c-section, forceps, or vacuum extraction. 

After he was born, Nicky screamed for hours and hours. I was too naive to know that newborns don't typically scream like that. I tried to play it cool in front of everyone coming in and out of my hospital room, but I could tell by the nervous glances they kept giving each other that even they were nervous about the screaming. 

Now that I know my son better, I feel like he really was resistant to come to this earth. From a spiritual perspective, Nicky is a stranger here, and I think he knew it from the beginning. He has a goodness within him that I fear this world will destroy. 

Nicky's tenth birthday is a milestone in so many ways. For one, we've reached a decade. For him, it's a decade of life, and for me, it's a decade of motherhood. I started blogging before I was pregnant with Nicky. I recall announcing my pregnancy on my first blog, Weekday Wisdom, and there I documented my pregnancy and my earliest experiences as a mother. 

Despite his sweet spirit, Nicky was a naughty toddler. We had to modify our entire house to keep him from destroying everything. We couldn't have a coffee table... or bar stools... or glass picture frames... or anything from the waist down that wasn't soft and child-proof. The bottom book shelves had to be emptied. Our kitchen chairs had to be placed on top of the table when we weren't sitting on them. We had to put locks on all the cabinet doors and the fridge door. I used to have to tie all the kitchen drawers closed with a ribbon. When he started opening door knobs, I put safety covers on all the doors and quickly discovered that Nicky could pop them off in an instant. I put chains on the doors so he couldn't escape the house. I was terrified to shower because I never knew if he'd be safe. Nicky pulled three dressers on top of himself (one was ours - the other two were at friends' houses). And just to top off his wildness... he peed on everything. He went through a phase where he would pee in his toys or in the bathroom garbage can, and there was even a time when he pulled some of my dishes out of the cupboard and graciously left his fluids in them. 

When he turned four, he changed instantly. I like to say he got "logic" for his birthday that year. All of a sudden, I could reason with him. I could explain things to him, and he would understand and then make relatively good choices as a result of that understanding. This has turned out to be one of his greatest strengths. 

In fact, this year, Nicky made the choice, on his own, to stop playing video games because he could tell that they were making him cranky. I'm amazed at Nicky's ability to recognize those types of things in himself. If I had to clean pee out of my muffin tin so he could eventually get to this point, it was worth it. He is a good kid. He makes good choices, and he uses good logic. He is a helper, and he loves to do things for others. 

I adore my Nicky! He will always hold a special place in my heart. He is my only son, and he is the child who first made me a mother. I'm glad we've had these ten years together.