Fifteen Incidents From the Past Three Months That Should Have Tipped Off All Observing Parties That I am Pregnant

1. That time I tried to take an extra kid home from preschool.

A boy.

(I drive four girls home from preschool. Zero boys).

2. That time I made chicken chili and forgot to turn the crock pot on.

3. That time, a week later, when I remembered to turn the crock pot on but forgot to plug it in.

4. That time I spent the entirety of a game of Risk working on a mission that I didn't even have.

5. That time I started crying in the middle of the grocery store because I smelled a cinnamon roll.

6. That time I went to Apollo Burger because I needed a cheeseburger, but it was the wrong burger, and I couldn't explain to my husband what burger I needed because I don't know if the burger of my imagination even exists.

7. That time I made a spaghetti dinner at 3:00 in the afternoon because I needed spaghetti RIGHT.THAT.SECOND.

8. That time I ate sour gummi worms for lunch and Sour Patch Watermelons for dinner.

9. That time I let my kids watch three hours of Home Improvement re-runs because I couldn't wake up.

10. That time I threw a bottle of ibuprofen across the kitchen because I remembered that I can't have ibuprofen.

11. That time I went to Time Out For Women with my in-laws, and I held a bag in front of my stomach the whole weekend.

 

12. That time I made a Shutterfly photo book for my daughter, and I put the wrong birth date on TWO of the pages.

13. That time I didn't sleep past midnight because I didn't like the way my mouth tasted, and my sheets smelled weird so I had to keep getting up and rinsing with toothpaste and spraying a bottle of Febreze.

14. That time, the next day, when I had to wash all the bedding because it smelled like Febreze.

15. That time I went to my OB/GYN's office, and I was overly emotional because he had a beard.

(He informed me he is planning to shave it).