Close to Home

Yesterday we had a tragedy in our community - a shooting that took the lives of two teenage boys and left a third in critical condition. This happened near the high school while the students were at lunch. The victims were all students at Nicky's school. They were shot by a fourteen year old boy.

Fourteen.

I got a text from my mom around 11:00 yesterday morning. She had been driving home and passed through the crime scene right after it happened. The police hadn't even arrived yet. She said it looked like there had been a shooting by the high school and that there were bodies, and they were definitely kids. 

My response to the situation was rather cerebral. I knew those involved were probably students from the school who left campus during lunch, and I knew the school would likely have activated a lockdown or shelter in place protocol, but I wasn't worried about the safety of my own child. I knew he wasn't involved, and my only concern was that he felt safe, and he did. I texted him to see what was happening at the school. He had been at lunch, and an announcement was made that the school was sheltering in place. Those in classrooms were to stay put, and those at lunch were directed to the auditorium where they spent the next couple of hours. 

There were other schools in the area that also needed to shelter in place as the police apprehended the suspects. They took four into custody. By the end of the day, three were released and one, the shooter, was booked into juvenile detention. It was confirmed that all three victims were students from the high school. The suspects are from another school.*

All involved - the victims and the suspects - were 14 and 15 years old. Nicky's age. All their lives are completely altered now. This is a tragedy at any age, but it's especially heart wrenching that this happened among children. Sure, no 14 or 15 year old thinks of themselves as a child, but they are. They are children. One of the saddest things, to me personally, is that not only did the suspect shoot three individuals, but according to a witness, he also took the time to approach them and kick them in the head afterward. I know we as humans have the capacity to do terrible things, but it just makes me ache that such hatred and violence can exist in the heart of a child. 

Nicky said the mood in the auditorium was pretty normal. Everyone was speculating and texting. The school didn't give a lot of information to the students, but news travels fast via technology. When the shelter in place protocol was lifted (just before 1:00), they dismissed school early. Nicky said when he came out of the auditorium, there had been a shift. The school was completely silent and sober. Students were hugging and many were crying. It was something he'd never experienced before. He'd been protected from it a bit in the mass crowd of the auditorium, but it hit suddenly and with great emotion when he came out into the halls of school. 

The names of the victims were released later in the day. Nicky did not know them. Prayers are requested for the families of the boys whose lives were lost and for the boy who is in critical condition. This tragedy will weigh heavily on our community for a very long time. 

While we were all processing this event yesterday, we received news that a much-loved member of our ward had passed away. I've known her since I was eight years old, and her passing was quick and unexpected yesterday afternoon. 

The losses in our community are great today. As always, there are no words to resolve the grief that everyone is experiencing, but I wanted to pause and acknowledge what has happened and pay respect to those who left this life too soon. 

*A week after the shooting, police confirmed that the suspects actually attend our high school.

I Can't Sing and Type at the Same Time (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: Omicron has taken over. 

All the people have it. 

All the friends have it. 

Mask mandate. 

So on and so forth. 

Fact #2: Nicky got his learner permit last week. I'm excited for him to be able to drive, but I don't love the part where he needs to learn to drive, and I have to provide some of that education. 

Fact #3: I think Nicky will be a good driver once he learns the ropes. It's just those initial moments behind the wheel that terrify me. Yesterday I let him drive home from school, and I realized just how much he needs to learn (like how to go through a dip without taking a nosedive).

Fact #4: Over the weekend, Eva crashed her bike and sliced her chin open. We took her to the ER for stitches and an x-ray on her finger (not broken, fortunately). We broke a two-year streak of no ER visits! Our last trip to the ER was when Zoe's tonsils hemorrhaged in December 2019. In 2018, we had 7 ER visits, so I feel like we deserved the break. 

Eva's x-ray

Getting x-rays (first timer)

Eva's finger in question

Chin slice

Fact #5: Eva and Zoe have been super contentious this week. Eva was jealous that Zoe got teeth pulled, and Zoe was jealous that Eva got stitches. 

Fact #6: As of yesterday, all the Christmas decorations are officially stowed away. 

I think...

Fact #7: I've been living it up with all my free birthday perks. 

Free dessert at Moochie's + a $5 credit for signing up for their rewards program

Free charburger at The Habit

Free sandwich at Chick-Fil-A

Free 8" sandwich at Jimmy Johns

Not pictured: free meal at Tucano's and $5 off at Cafe Rio. 

I missed $5 at Menchies and free apple pie at McDonald's because I was too busy enjoying other things (and apple pie? Meh).

I still have $10 in Kohl's cash and a free glazed dozen at Krispy Kreme to redeem. 

It's hard work.

Fact #8: A while ago I mentioned that my friend Christie was going to be featured on an episode of Random Acts on BYUTV. Her episode aired last week, and you can watch it here. 

Fact #9: During these almost-two years of a pandemic, it's become a habit to play "What's The Store Out of Today?" As you have probably experienced yourself, it's nearly impossible to check everything off your grocery list these days. The results of the game this week have been:

Store trip #1: no cucumbers, no broccoli

Store trip #2: no chicken breasts

It's always good fun. 

Fact #10: Next week is Blue Monday - the most depressing day of the year, according to pseudoscience. It's also Martin Luther King Jr. Day. How are you planning to celebrate? 

My kids are out of school Friday and Monday, and I haven't even recovered from Thanksgiving break yet, not to mention the 16 days they were home for Christmas. 

Way Too Much to Say About the Costco Puzzle

A couple of months ago, I was at Costco, and I put a few impulse buys in my cart - a blanket, some socks, a package of scissors, and some new Thermoflask water bottles (because I lost my old one - spoiler alert: I found it under the passenger seat of the van when we drove to Phoenix). I also put the Dowdle Costco puzzle in my cart. 

Sometimes I need to put stuff in my cart, push it around for a while just for the heck of it, and then put it back. Which is what I did with all of those items. 

My sister-in-law, Amber, ended up getting me some of those things for Christmas - the blanket, the scissors, and the Thermoflasks. Then when she handed me a familiar square package on my birthday, I knew it was the Costco puzzle, and I was so excited!

I started the puzzle on Thursday and finished it on Friday. Tragically, there were two pieces missing!!! I’m not sure what happened, but since the two pieces are next to each other, I suspect there was a manufacturing and packaging problem. Yes, I’m perfectly capable of losing a puzzle piece or two, but I’ve also had times when I have had extra puzzle pieces turn up in our puzzles. I always cry inside knowing that someone out there likely has a puzzle that’s missing a piece (while simultaneously rejoicing that it's not me). What I wonder is… with the Costco puzzle did the pieces not cut properly and end up in the wrong place together during the manufacturing process? Dowdle had a "No Missing Pieces Policy," but I don't think my puzzle qualifies because Amber bought it on eBay. 

Anyway…

Aside from missing two pieces, the Costco puzzle was so much fun to put together. I did it all by myself! I feel like a toddler bragging about putting on my own shirt, but sometimes you just need to give yourself a pat on the back like an overachieving three year old to get you through the day. 

998 pieces of my Costco puzzle

The artist of the Costco puzzle is Eric Dowdle, who works out of Lindon, Utah. I've done a few of his other puzzles, and the details are always really fun. The Costco puzzle kept me highly amused - here are some of the details: 

I think this might be my favorite puzzle I've ever done. 

Maybe.

It does have Richard Simmons to contend with. 

Q&A

Today I'm in a writing mood, but I'm not really in a "thinking" mood. For such occasions, I have a pinterest board with writing prompts and questionnaires. Therefore, this is what I'm putting out in the world today. 

What is your most used word?

There are a few contenders. I say "anyway..." a lot. I also overuse "so" and "like."

So, like, anyway...

How long does it take for you to get ready?

If I do a "full" grooming cycle - meaning I shower, blow dry and style my hair, put on make-up and the whole bit, about an hour. But on an average day where I skip almost all of those steps, I can be ready in 15 minutes.

Do you have much of an ego?

Are you asking if I am full of myself? Sometimes. Probably. Yeah. 

Do you suck or bite lollipops?

I don't really eat lollipops other than sneaking a few Tootsie Pops at Halloween. In that case, I suck on them for a while and then bite em. More than three licks, for sure. 

Do you talk to yourself?

Absolutely.

Do you sing to yourself?

Heck, yes. In fact, I just wrote a song this morning on my way home from Smith's. It's called, "The World Is Crazy." I thought I'd come up with an amazing tune, and I was like, "I think I might be Taylor Swift. Why did I not pursue a career in song writing?" But then I realized I was just using the melody from "Fight Song," so I retired my dreams and went home to put my milk away.

Are you a good singer?

I think I'm tolerable. I won't make your ears bleed. Nor will I amaze you. I rely mostly on stage theatrics and special effects.

What is your biggest fear?

I don't know if I can name the biggest fear - I mean, there are so many good ones to choose from - but one thing I fear is that I or a member of my family will have an injury or illness that severely alters our personality. Like Phineas Gage (see "being me and being them"). 

Are you a gossip?

Yes.

What's the best dramatic movie you've ever seen?

I love The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Count of Monte Cristo. Notice a theme?

(It's prison. The theme is prison).

Do you like long or short hair?

On myself? Long. 

Can you name all 50 states?

Nope. I never memorized the song.

(Okay, I tried, and I only got 42 - I forgot Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, & Vermont. I only gave myself two minutes. I might have gotten them all in ten).

What is your favorite school subject?

Psychology.

Are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert.

Have you ever been scuba diving?

Heck to the no! And I won't. Ever.

What makes you nervous?

Scuba diving. 

Enclosed spaces. Large crowds. Feeling out of control.

Snow-packed, icy roads.

Sea creatures. 

Are you scared of the dark?

Not really, but I'm not immune to the mind tricks that come with darkness. 

Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sometimes. It just depends on the situation and the person.

Are you ticklish?

I guess.

Have you ever started a rumor?

I don't start them. I just spread them! But there was this one time I accidentally told someone that my bishop was having hemorrhoid surgery when I meant to say hernia surgery. In that case, yes, I started a rumor. 

Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Yes. 

Have you ever drank underage?

No. I've never drank. 

Have you ever done drugs?

Sometimes when I go to the dentist I breathe the laughing gas extra deeply.

Who was your first crush?

Marty McFly. 

How many piercings do you have?

Just the ears.

Can you roll your R's?

Yes.

How fast can you type?

I have no idea! I used to go to workforce services and do the type tests so I could apply for jobs, but I don't remember what my WPM was. It's probably the same now. I don't type properly, though. I only use one finger on my left hand. I never learned to type. I just did my own thing.

How fast can you run?

I haven't ran in over five years!  

Favorite Quotes: What Happened to You?

I recently finished the book What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey. 

One of the best classes I took when I was working on my degree in Marriage and Family Studies was called Family Stress and Coping. In that course, we studied stress theory and resilience. I was absolutely fascinated by what I learned, and the topic of resilience has been of interest to me ever since. 

If I could have a super power, it would be perfect recall. I hate that I can't retain everything I learn in life. It frustrates me. And now that it's been five years since I graduated (and almost seven years since I took Family Stress & Coping), so much of what I learned is gone! It's devastating to me.

Anyway, this book was a great refresher on resilience, and I quite enjoyed it. It appealed to my personal interests and education. 

Here are some of the quotes I liked and want to remember:

"When you find an addiction, do not be ashamed. Be joyful. You have found something that you have come to this Earth to heal. When you confront and heal an addiction, you are doing the deepest spiritual work that you can do on this Earth." - Gary Zukav, Spiritual Teacher

(My commentary: This is my favorite quote from the book. It completely blew my mind and made me feel ready to acknowledge and confront some of my own issues).

"The most powerful form of reward is relational. Positive interactions with people are rewarding and regulating. Without connection to people who care for you, it is almost impossible to step away from any form of unhealthy reward and regulation. This includes alcohol overuse, drug overuse, eating too much sweet and salty food, porn, cutting or spending hours on video games. Connectedness counters the pull of addictive behaviors. It is the key."  -Dr. Perry

"If you are loved, you learn to love." -Dr. Perry

"Our major finding is that your history of relational health - your connectedness to family, community, and culture - is more predictive of your mental health than your history of adversity. This is similar to the findings of other researchers looking at the power of positive relationships on health. Connectedness has the power to counterbalance adversity." -Dr. Perry

"...a meaningful dose of therapeutic interaction isn't forty-five minutes once a week. When you're dealing with an intense trauma, we've found that the "tolerable" dose is only seconds long... You can stand the emotional intensity of visiting the wreckage of your trauma-fractured life for only a few seconds before your brain starts to do things to protect you from the pain...It is the therapeutic dosing that really leads to healing. Moments. Fully present, powerful but brief." - Dr. Perry 

(My commentary: This quote was to illustrate that long conversations about traumatic experiences aren't always what a person needs. Sometimes we want our kids to "talk about it" - thinking that's what will help them heal. Dr. Perry shared examples of just spending a quick five minutes with victims of trauma and letting those moments add up over time as they built trust rather than having the victims "talk about it" at length)

"Ten thousand years ago, humankind had the genetic potential to read a book, yet not one single human on the planet could read; the genetic potential to play the piano existed, yet not one person could play; the genetic potential to dunk a basketball, type a sentence, ride a bicycle - all that potential existed, but it all remained unexpressed." -Dr. Perry

(My commentary: This makes me wonder what we have the potential to achieve but haven't yet had the opportunity)

:...all of us tend to gravitate toward the familiar, even when the familiar is unhealthy or destructive. We are drawn to what we were raised with." -Dr. Perry

"We feel better with the  certainty of misery than the misery of uncertainty." -Virginia Satir, Psychologist

"When someone is very upset, words themselves are not very effective. The tone and rhythm of the voice probably has more impact than the actual words...simply be present... You can't talk someone out of feeling angry, sad, or frustrated, but you can be a sponge and absorb their emotional intensity. If you stay regulated, ultimately they can "catch" your calm." -Dr. Perry

"Even though we live in an amazing country filled with good people, I believe that collectively we're less resilient. Our ability as a people to tolerate stressors is diminishing because our connectedness is diminishing...Conversation, for example, promotes resilience; discussions and arguments over family dinners and mildly heated conversations with friends are - as long as there is repair - resilience-building and empathy-growing experiences. We shouldn't be walking away from a conversation in a rage; we should regulate ourselves. Repair the ruptures. Reconnect and grow. When you walk away, everybody loses. We all need to get better at listening, regulating, reflecting. This requires the capacity to forgive, to be patient. Mature human interactions involve efforts to understand people who are different from you. But if we don't have family meals, don't go out with friends for long, in-person conversations, and communicate only via text or Twitter, then we can't create that positive, healthy back-and-forth pattern of human connection." -Dr. Perry

(My commentary: This coincides with some research from Dr. John Gottman, who specializes in marriage. He has found that it is not a lack of fighting that makes a strong marital relationship, but the repair process after fighting or disagreeing. You need to disagree, to argue, to "fight." It's how you recover from it and move forward that makes your relationship strong). 

"...the rate of invention is now exceeding the rate at which we can problem-solve." - Dr. Perry "The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom." -Isaac Asimov, Biochemist

"When you've lived through adversity, you can come to a point in your life where you can look back, reflect, learn, and grow from the experience. I believe it's hard to understand humankind unless you know a little bit about adversity. Adversity, challenges, disappointment, loss, trauma - all can contribute to the capacity to be broadly empathetic, to become wise. Trauma and adversity, in a way, are gifts. What we do with these gifts will differ from person to person." -Dr. Perry

Top Board Games of 2021

As you know, we love board games (particularly strategy board games) and play them pretty regularly with our friends, Chad and Carlie. A few years ago we started keeping a Game Night Ledger because we often found ourselves in arguments about who wins what the most. The Ledger has proven to be very handy, and not a Game Night goes by where we don't have to refer to The Ledger in some capacity. The Ledger is also very useful in that we can use it to determine our Top Ten games each year. 

To ascertain our Top Ten, we count the number of Game Nights we played each game (rather than the number of times we played each game - because some games are super short and we can play them several times in one night, and that doesn't mean they should be ranked higher than a game that takes two hours) (don't think too hard about this. Just know that we have a good system for naming our Top Ten, and you can trust us). 

Without further ado, here are our Top Ten games of 2021:

 #10: Karma

(a game I always lose)

#9: Hacienda

(one of my personal favorites)

#8: Risk

#7: Azul

#6: Raccoon Tycoon

(i.e. the game that nearly got us divorced)

#5: Bohnanza

#4: Mariposas

#3: 7 Wonders

(formerly our first place winner)

#2: Love Letter

#1: Wingspan

(two years running)

Other board game posts:

Top Board Games of 2020

Top Board Games of 2019

Currently (January 2022 Edition)

Reading:

Eating: all my free birthday foods. Yesterday I got my free meal at Tucano's. I now have a spreadsheet of my remaining free foods and their expiration dates on my phone so I can plan accordingly. 

Struggling with: consistency in my parenting. I've always had a hard time with this.

Hoping: to buy new furniture for the living room soon. Our hand-me-down couch has lived a great life, but I'm sitting on it currently and can feel the frame of the couch pressing on my tailbone. 

Worried about: sending Daisy to junior high next year. Don't make me do it. 

Looking forward to: Hamilton in Salt Lake! We got tickets for Nicky and Daisy for Christmas. We're excited to take them. We got tickets to a matinee because we are old souls and can't go out past 7:00 p.m. 

Watching:

Happy Feet. I’m writing from the sedation room at the dentist’s office. Zoe is having some teeth extracted. 

(Note to self: send reminder to Tooth Fairy)

Wearing: jeans and a hoodie.

Listening to: Zoe chatting incessantly. She gets really hyper when she’s sedated. She’s currently describing what it feels like to have eyeballs.

Singing: "Shake it Off." I don't know why. Sometimes it's just there. In the head. And it won't go away. Can't stop, won't stop grooving.

Buying: eye gel. I don't think it helps, though. 

Craving: a couch nap on a dark, rainy day. 

Needing: to empty the vacuum canister.

Daydreaming about: having our house paid off. I like to look at the balance we owe and daydream about living off pinto beans and pasta for a few years straight and getting it paid off. 

Annoyed by: all the leftover Christmas decorations I keep finding around my house.

Playing:

Working on: a list of goals for this year. I'm taking my time, but I think I'll be ready before September this time. 

Procrastinating: putting the basement Christmas tree away. Normally I like everything put away before Nicky's birthday on the 27th, but I didn't follow my normal clean-up routine this year, so the basement tree is still up, and there are several decorations around the house that didn't make it into the storage bins. Getting the storage bins would require me to walk through snow, and I just don't wanna.

Loving: how quiet my house is right now. We are home from the dentist. Zoe keeps drifting in and out of sleep, and all I can hear is the bubbles of my Coke popping next to me and the ticking of the clock in the kitchen. 

I didn't even know that clock ticked. 

Zoe post-extraction (this is her third time having teeth pulled, bless her little heart)

Learning: about the Great Pyramid. I used to know a lot about the pyramids and ancient Egypt, but I've forgotten it all, so I started reading up on a few things recently. One thing that has always fascinated me is that in order to built the Great Pyramid in the time it is thought to have been built (approximately 27 years) they would have had to place one stone every five minutes. The Great Pyramid is made up of somewhere between 2.3 and 3 million stones. 

How did they do it?

HOW DID THEY DO IT???

I can't wait to find out someday. 

The Great pyramid is about 4,700 years old. That means when Jesus lived, it was already nearly 3,000 years old! Did Jesus see the pyramids during his time in Egypt? 

Trying: to share my negative opinions with less frequency. If I don't think highly of something or someone, I don't necessarily have to tell anyone.

Enjoying: having Christmas over with. I love Christmas, but I also love when it goes away, and I get to have a break from the holidays. 

Thinking about: the variety of the earth and how you can drive just a few hours and experience a part of the world that looks completely different from where you live. Last night for Family Home Evening, we talked about the Creation, and I made a video slide show with photos of God's creations that we've seen as a family. I used pictures we've taken of different landscapes, animals, and plants. It was pretty cool to realize how many amazing things we've seen that show us God's hand. 

Feeling: quite tired. I think I need to have a good 12 hour sleep session to reset from the holidays. 

Grateful for: comfortable shoes.