Sometimes I text my friends (or Scotty if he's away from home) to let them know what to report to the coroner if I die in my sleep. Maybe it's morbid, but I'm just being realistic. There might be a bit of information that can be useful in determining my cause of death, and I want to make it as easy as possible for everyone involved. Here are some of the texts I've sent out lately on this matter:
If I die in my sleep, tell them I ate smoked meat and suffocated on my own burps.
If I die in my sleep, tell them I took two melatonin and two Gas X at the same time.
If I die in my sleep, tell them I heard a strange sound but was too lazy to get out of bed to go see if there was a serial killer climbing through my kitchen window.
If I die in my sleep, tell them I ate mayo at a potluck and then noticed it expired 8 months ago.
If I die in my sleep, tell them I never checked my walls for mold.
So far I’ve survived it all, but if I die in my sleep, tell them there were peanut shell bits in the peanut butter I put on my toast before bed.
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