Read This Post, Earn a Cookie

There's a topic I've been wanting to write about for a few years, but whenever I start imagining the post I might create on the subject, I get a little overwhelmed and shut it down. It's nothing controversial or crazy, it's just something I'm still processing and learning about, and I don't know if I can write about it in a way that matches my passion for it. Today, I'll try... we'll see what happens. 

I can already tell you that this post is going to be long. I hope you'll stick it out. Everyone who endures to the end gets a cookie (unfortunately you'll have to go out and find the cookie yourself, but I assure you, you'll have earned it!)

And here we go...

The topic is an aspect of self-esteem called perceived mattering.

This idea of "perceived mattering" is something I stumbled across while I was studying and researching for my practicum. It's a simple idea, really, and exactly what it sounds like - perceiving that you matter, or understanding that you are important. 

Sociologist Morris Rosenberg outlined two types of perceived mattering: societal and interpersonal.

Societal means that you recognize your importance in your social circle. This can be in your community, your church, your extended family, your group of friends, etc. When you experience perceived mattering at a societal level, you know that your actions can impact groups of people. 

Interpersonal means that you acknowledge the difference you make in the lives of individuals like your teacher, your parent, your best friend, or your child. When you experience perceived mattering at an interpersonal level, you know that your actions have a one on one impact for specific people.

The level at which we perceive that we matter has a great affect on our happiness and well-being. The key to this construct is the perceiving. We all know the platitudes... You matter! You make a difference! You belong! We can repeat those things day in and day out, but if we don't perceive it... feel it... believe it... they're just words. 

I think about perceived mattering a lot from a gospel perspective. The teaching that immediately comes to mind is, "I am a child of God." It's one of the first things we teach children in my Church - that they are loved and cherished by a supreme being, and that they are, in fact, His children. 

This can be such an abstract idea. Sometimes, I, myself, have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Am I truly a child of God? Do I fully believe this teaching and put my utmost faith in it? If I am a child of God, what does that mean for my life? What role does His love play in my daily actions?

In terms of perceived mattering, this is a doctrine that, when truly believed and understood, can have such a great impact on the choices we make, the way we handle difficulties, and the happiness we experience. 

(Just a quick side note, when I talk about happiness - the topic of the practicum I mentioned above - the definition I use comes from sociologist, Ruut Veenhoven, as the "overall appreciation for life as a whole," or "the degree to which an individual judges his or her life as a whole favorably." I like this definition because it makes happiness and joy interchangeable and it allows room for us to experience happiness even through hardship. Happiness does not result from a life without trials but from a life wherein we can experience and endure difficult things and still feel an appreciation for our existence. Also, I love the idea that happiness is a form of gratitude).

(You’re glazing over. I can tell. Come back to me. Remember the cookies!)

To know that you are a child of God is to know that you matter. I often ponder how I can improve my relationship with God the Father so that I can better understand my own capacities as His child. Surely, if I am His child, there are Godlike traits within me yet untapped. Surely that means something. Surely, among billions of human beings, I have some significance. Some purpose. 

As a member of a large Church community (or any group), it can be easy to feel lost or unimportant. Some of that is due to fighting private battles. Some of it is due to comparing ourselves to others. A lot of it is due to misconceptions and misunderstandings. Most of it is a direct result of the adversary. How does Satan want you to feel? Like you don't matter! 

I love this quote from Sharon Eubank, "...consider this: You have no idea the power you yourself have over the tone and example of your own ward.” 

Sometimes we sit around and wait for other people to help us feel like we matter. What happens when we take upon ourselves the first step? What if I, in experiencing my own feelings of worthlessness, sought to reestablish my own perceived mattering by telling someone else how they matter? This might best be done by acknowledging an individual by name and telling them something very specific that I have seen them do and how I feel it makes a difference. What can I do in my calling and in my ministering to enhance the perceived mattering of those I serve? One thing I've noticed about the way we serve in my Church is that there is a cyclical effect in helping one another recognize our worth. I serve others because they matter, but I also serve others because I matter. 

Let me tell you a story that always makes me emotional.

(Cookie!)

When I first moved into my ward, there was a lady in Relief Society who was just a bundle of fun! She was probably in her upper 40's at the time. She seemed a happy, confident individual with her life in order - a great influence on the women of the ward and a pleasant person to be around. She gave comments in class that were thoughtful but also made us laugh, and I remember thinking how much I liked her!

One day in sacrament meeting, this woman was writing something in a notebook. I could see the page from where I was sitting, and I was completely taken aback as I read the phrase, "I'm a loser" written over and over, line after line. 

It completely broke my heart. What was going through this amazing woman's mind and heart that made her believe that? It didn't match what I thought of her, and it didn't match the way she presented herself in a crowd. I wanted her to know that she wasn't a loser; however, I could hardly walk over to her in a Church meeting and confess that I'd seen what she wrote - that would have only embarrassed her - but I felt such a strong urge to let her know that she mattered. 

Since then, I’ve reflected frequently on that experience, and I have tried to remember that I can never fully know what a person is feeling or believing about themselves. We can so easily look around and think everyone else has it all together... everyone else is doing more... being more... doing better... being better... and yet, the woman with the friendly smile who appears totally social and confident might be the very woman who is hurting inside, feeling like she doesn't matter. There could be a room full of people feeling the exact same way, but we wouldn't necessarily know it. 

It makes me realize that I matter because I can be the very source of helping someone else understand that they matter. I confess, there are a lot of people out there that I don't particularly like, but if I saw them writing, "I'm a loser" in a notebook over and over, it would break my heart and make me want to immediately repent and do anything I can to correct their thinking. I know I have not always been great at helping others feel good about themselves. In fact, I have intentionally made people feel bad throughout my entire life, and it's something I am forever working on, which is, in part, why I've been needing to write this post. It’s been impressed upon my heart over these past few years just how important it is for each of us to perceive that we matter. 

Thank you so much for sticking with me today! Do you know how much you matter to me? It's true. You being a reader here makes a difference in my life. You make me feel like I matter! Let's keep this cycle going. 

Alright, you made it. Go get yourself that cookie!