Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Threat

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to overcome the same, old things without much success.

There are character traits that I want to change. I want to be less jealous, less easily annoyed, and less judgmental. I want to be a better listener, and I want to have the gift of making people feel they are valued.

There are habits I want to change. I want to stop eating my emotions. I want to stop getting sidetracked on the internet and stop being consumed by my phone. I want to cease being idle. I want to keep up on laundry and housekeeping.

There are parenting skills I want to acquire. I want to have better relationships with my children. I want to see them as God sees them and love them unconditionally. I want to stop yelling and stop using psychological control to manipulate their behavior. I want to effectively teach them, and I want to trust them.

There is knowledge I want to gain. I want to truly know, understand, and apply the scriptures in my life. I want to be familiar with the teachings of the prophets, both modern-day and of old. I want to internalize everything I learn on every subject, both secular and spiritual.

I feel like I'm incapable of change because I see very little progress. Day to day, I struggle with the same things. I resort to the same sins, the same failures, and the same bad habits.

I've often asked Heavenly Father through prayer how I can become capable of change, and the answer always comes to me through Boyd K. Packer's quote, "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

I get it. I do. For me, the answer will always be...

STUDY YOUR SCRIPTURES!

And I do.

But the problem is, I always go in bouts or I study for a lesson or a school assignment. I don't study for myself as often as I should.

Lately I've been really hard on myself, and the funny thing is, if a friend of mine felt about herself the way I feel about myself, I would tell her to stop. I would tell her that she's not giving herself enough credit. I would tell her about all of the things I see her do that are amazing. I would say, "Please don't talk about my friend that way." I would do anything I could think of to help her see her worth because I don't want my friend to think that she isn't good enough.

Why is it that I won't let a friend be hard on herself, but I have no problem running myself into the ground?

It's Satan, of course. Every time he whispers in my ear, I fall for it. I know it's Satan, and I still let it happen. I let him convince me that I'll never be enough. That people don't like me. That I'm doing everything wrong. I let him walk all over me.

The fact that he's working so hard on me must mean that I'm a threat. If I were to feel good about myself, there's no telling what I might accomplish and who I might drag a long for the ride. I need remember this as I meddle through life.

I'm a threat.



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2 comments:

Feisty Harriet said...

Um, I kind of love this. Like, a lot.

Threat it up, my dear!

xox

Jana Lyn said...

It's so true... We're threats and we are beating ourselves up about it. You are so great at putting it into words.