Change

Seasons.

There is something I love about every season. 

Silver Lake - Summer

Yes, even winter. 

I can appreciate the beauty of snow and ice crystals. I love little, warm luxuries like sweatshirts and mugs of cocoa. I love Christmas, and I was born in winter, so I kind of have to have a special place for it in my heart.

In Summer, I sweat to death (I'm very vocal about this on my blog. If you're new here, you have a lot to look forward to), but I like the feeling of freedom that comes with summer. I enjoy days at the lake, and that special kind of tired that is only accomplished after being out in the sun. 

Winter and summer have the best naps! There's something about extreme temperatures that makes naps extra delightful!

Silver Lake - Spring

Spring and fall both bring relief. I am always relieved when spring comes, and it starts getting warmer, and the world becomes colorful again. But I feel the same way when summer turns to fall, and I get to start wearing pants! And fall brings a different, but equally wonderful color scheme.

I am grateful for the variety of the seasons. I would get bored without it!

Social Distancing: Desert Edition

Yesterday, in an attempt to get out of the house but not be around other people, we drove to the west desert to check out some mines. We didn't make it very far down the dirt road before we couldn't go any farther in the van. Scotty pulled off the road and convinced everyone to try walking to the mines. 

Spoiler alert: we made it. 

But it wasn't easy. It ended up being miles, and while the "walk" wasn't overly strenuous, it was definitely more of a "hike." 

And taking Daisy anywhere ends up like this:

But that's all I will say about Daisy's misery. Just know that it was quite the triumph for our whole family to make it to the mines with Daisy in tow. 

These particular mines go straight down into the mountain, and they are covered with grates. 

The first one we stumbled upon was the trippiest. There was no sign of a bottom. We dropped rocks in it and never heard them land. 

I stuck my phone through the grate to take a photo - only because I have a finger loop on the back of my phone. 

My camera is going out. While we were on our little journey it kept blacking out and getting white lines across the screen while in camera mode. The same thing happened to my last phone. It's because I drop them a lot. Hence my investment in the finger loop. 

We had to go an additional mile to get to more mines. This is the pile mountain of dirt from when the mines were excavated:

We followed the path to the top:

There are some little canyons in the mountain. It was pretty cool to explore.

At the top of the mountain there are two more mines. This one has been filled in, so you can actually see the bottom:

This is what I had to do to get the photos:

It was such a mind game to go out on those grates. Scotty wouldn't do it. I forced myself out there, but it took a lot of self-talk to do it. After I accomplished this great mental feat, some people in Jeeps stopped by the mines and walked right out on them without even batting an eye. Figures. 

On the way home, we drove through Ophir, a small mining town (population: 23). We'll definitely head back there sometime to have a better look, but we just passed through quickly this time because we needed to get home. 

Now it's Monday, and Day 5 of Pandemic Palooza. We are trying to take the directives from the CDC seriously and not go around other people. It's going to be really hard, but we'll do our best because we don't want to contribute to the problem. We are very likely canceling a National Parks trip that we've been looking forward to. It absolutely kills me, but I feel like it's the responsible thing to do for our community. 

Pandemic Palooza

The other night I couldn't sleep because I was worried about lockjaw. Little did I know that two days later, my life would be drastically altered by precautionary measures surrounding COVID-19.  On Tuesday I didn't know that I would soon be home-schooling and home-churching my kids or that my husband would need to set up office space somewhere in our tiny house. I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to see my friends or that I'd have to cancel all social events for the foreseeable future. I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to go to the library or buy a bidet on Amazon (they are out of stock, and now I'm kicking myself because last week, I knew I should order one) (luckily I found a peri bottle under my bathroom sink from my old childbirthing days. Good to know it's there, if needed) (over the weekend I found my kids making themselves headbands out of toilet paper, and I had to tell them that is an absolute no no!) Each day since Thursday has brought more and more restrictions to consider.

My jaw is still having problems (I went to the doctor, and they kind of blew me off. Now I wish I would have been more pushy, but it might actually be a dentist I need to see), but I'm not worried about lockjaw anymore!

I've have decided to call this new phase of life "Pandemic Palooza" (because everything is better with alliteration, even viral epidemics). I'm counting Thursday as Day 1 since that was the day everything really turned in our community (depending on where you live, you may be deeper or lesser into your own Pandemic Palooza. We all bloom at different rates, even in our pandemics).

Today (Day 4) was our first no-church Sunday. Tomorrow (Day 5) will be our first no-school day. The kids have asked me repeatedly how we are going to spend our day. I had to explain to them over and over that we're not going anywhere, and we can't play with friends. The idea is so foreign, even to me! It's natural to think about outings. I can't tell you how many times the library has popped in my head - we need to go get books and movies! - and then I have to remember that the library is closed. I am moments away from living out one of the post-apocalyptic stories I've picked up from that very place!

I think my anxiety over the whole situation is mild-moderate. I swing back and forth from "everything is going to be fine, just give it time" and "OH MY GOSH, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!!!" But I'm handling it okay, considering it's a stinkin' world wide pandemic, and my cozy little life has never had to take things like this seriously before!!!

Social distancing is going to be really hard for me. I need my people. Being forced to live one day at a time is going to be hard for me, too. I'm a planner. I budget, calendar, and meal plan for fun. I don't take anything one day at a time. I have a plan for everything... at least... I used to. Now nothing is stable.

I'm fine. I'm just constantly processing. And constantly having to remember this new lifestyle. It's the most unnatural thing I've ever had to do!

Good news, though! My melatonin is kicking in.

Come back soon, and I'll tell you about what's going on in this photo:

In the meantime, I hope Pandemic Palooza is treating you well.

Pizza, Pie, and Pandemic

If you can't tell by the frequency of my posts, blogging has been one of my go-to coping mechanisms for the COVID-19 situation. I'm also prone to eating and reading, and I have an increased desire to clean. I think Scotty does, too, because yesterday he mopped the bathroom ceiling while he was in the shower.

We had Game Night planned for yesterday, and we decided to go ahead with it. Carlie and I were both itching to play Pandemic in light of the coronavirus. Usually, even during flu season, Pandemic is fun. But when you're threatened by an actual pandemic, turns out, the game is pretty terrifying. In our first round, Beijing and Bangkok caused outbreaks through Asia, and we lost before most of us even got a second turn. 

How the game started

Our second game yielded another loss, but we held on much longer.

We really thought we had it this time

It felt eerily realistic, so after our second defeat, we put Pandemic away and played Wingspan and Dead Man's Draw.

In an effort to feel normal, we celebrated Pi Day with pizza and pie.

Note the obligatory vegetables in the background

(no one ate them)

I don't appreciate Eva's attitude

toward being photographed

I even went all out and decorated.

Call the Pinterest!

Speaking of decorating, another of my coping mechanisms over the weekend was to put out some Easter decorations. I've never really decorated for Easter, but Hobby Lobby got the best of me. 

Gator not from Hobby Lobby

Immediately after Chad and Carlie left last night, we got a text from the school district informing us that there is a confirmed case of COVID-19 in our local high school. This affects our neighborhood directly. Yikes! Here we go!

Memories

Call me a rebel, but I'm not going to follow this prompt in exactness.

A few weeks ago, I was going through some jewelry and picking out a few things to get rid of. When my grandma passed away, I was given some of her necklaces. Nothing fancy - just some things she had collected through her Kohl's addiction (oh how my grandma loved Kohl's!)

There were a couple of my grandma's necklaces that I haven't worn, and they don't really "go" with any of my clothes, so I decided to give them away. I felt a little guilty because they were my grandma's necklaces, but at the same time, I don't really attach myself to things in that way. I worry about getting rid of sentimental stuff because someone else might be upset about it, but I keep very few tangible items for sentimental value.

I’ve realized that what is important to me about a person who has passed away is not the things that belonged to them, but the memories that I have recorded through photos and writing. Their photos and their journals are great, too, but I especially cherish what I have written or photographed. Not because I'm the superior writer or photographer or anything like that but because any memory I've written down is mine and represents something I shared personally with that individual.

Recently I was perusing one of my journals, and I found an entry where I had written about both my grandpas after they'd passed away. My journal brought back thoughts and experiences I’d forgotten. Re-reading that was worth more to me than any physical belongings of theirs I could have had.

So what I'd really like to express gratitude for isn't a memory, but the memories that have been preserved through writing and photographs. They are pure treasures!

40 Deep Questions

to get to know yourself and find your life's purpose

(Pinterest says so).

1. What are you most likely very wrong about?

A lot of things. But don't tell anyone. I kind of want to maintain the image of being right all the time. Wink, wink.

I should probably answer the question for real, being the first one and all. I am probably wrong in many of the assumptions I make about other people.

2. What chapters would you separate your autobiography into?

I don't plan on writing an autobiography, but right here on a whim, I'm going to say that my autobiography will be titled, Why I Didn't Shower Today. Then each chapter will be built around my reason for not showering during each phase of life.

You're intrigued, right?

Tough luck. Never gonna happen. Kind of like my daily showers.

3. What are some things you've had to unlearn?

I've had to unlearn a lot of things, but one of the biggest things for me has been unlearning dishonesty. As a child, teen, and young adult, I lied or withheld information all the time. I learned this behavior from other people. I saw them being constantly rewarded for dishonesty. It got them attention and gave them control. One example was a friend I had in third grade. She told this elaborate story about her parents dying in a train accident. She was then adopted and sent to boarding school. She demonstrated how she and her classmates had to march around in their matching dresses. I ate the story up and totally believed it. I told everyone about it. “Did you know her parents died in a train accident, and she was sent off to boarding school?” When I finally realized it was all a lie, I wasn’t mad about it! I though she was a genius to make up that story, and I wanted to weave intricate tales of dishonesty too.

Was I a messed up child? Why, yes. Yes, I was.

I lied about big things and small things. I lied about things that didn't matter and things that did. Sometimes I would catch myself and think, "Why am I lying?" Other times I would be half-way into a lie before I even realized I was doing it because it became so natural for me.

I didn't really learn how to be honest until my frontal lobe was fully developed. Now I see this trait in some other people - people who lie even when there is no purpose for the lie, and I want to pay for their therapy so they can KNOCK IT THE HECK OFF.

4. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation?

Happiness, board games recommendations, book recommendations, various religious topics, Lost, family relations, and reasons to keep a recliner in your garage.

5. What question would you most like to know the answer to?

Is there a God?

Like I've said before, I have a strong conviction that God is real, but I do not KNOW it. I don't think my behavior would change a lot if I knew God was real, but it would probably change a lot if I knew he wasn't. So much of my life revolves around my belief in God. I’d be pretty lost without Him.

6. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

Do my kids still have to sleep? Because if they do, sign me up. If they don't, just shoot me.

7. Why did you decide to do what you are doing now in your life?


I'm just doing what I feel is right for my family. It's something I'm constantly assessing.

8. What's the best and worse piece of advice you've ever received?

Here is a post about some of the best advice I've been given.

I can't think of the "worst" piece of advice I've been given.

9. What's the most impactful 'no' you've said recently?

I had someone ask me for a favor a few weeks ago, and I decided to say no. It was really, really hard, but it was really nice to not have to fulfill that commitment. I don't know that "impactful" is the correct word for it, but it was definitely the right choice to say 'no' this time.

10. What has been the most stressful experience of your life?

Motherhood.

11. Is there something you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

Honestly? No.

There are things I'd like to do, but I don't have this pressing need to tackle unfulfilled dreams. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Every dream has its season.

12. What would you like to change about your family?

I wish we got along better. My kids fight like crazy. I fight with my kids like crazy. Scotty fights with the kids like crazy. Our saving grace is that Scotty and I get along pretty well.

13. What was a place or event that transformed your ideas, thinking, or perspective? What changed?

My biggest transformations have come from forgiving other people. There have been two times, in particular, where I really had to study forgiveness and rely thoroughly on the Atonement to get me through. Forgiveness hasn't become easier, but I know and understand a lot more about it now.

14. What one thing would you do if it would be impossible to fail?

I would write a book. Or several.

15. What is something you love now that you never could have imagined you would like in the past?

Sushi.

16. If you could invite anyone, living or dead, to dinner, who would that be and why?

Some fictional characters.

A few dead people.

A selection of celebrities.

And Donny Osmond.

17. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

For the most part, I believe there is beauty in not knowing the big things, so I would use a crystal ball to evaluate books. That way I don't waste my time reading books I won't like or appreciate.

Like right now, I could hold my crystal ball and ask it if I'm going to like The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes or Malorie, and then I'll know if I should look forward to them.

(I haven't told you this, but Bird Box is one of the best books I've ever read listened to. Malorie is the sequel coming out later this year. I can't recommend Bird Box in good conscience, though, because it has so much language, and it's pretty gory. Just know... I loved it).

18. What are you addicted to?

Food.

19. What's the milestone you're working towards right now in your personal or professional life?

My professional life is up in the air currently since I'm not employed. In my personal life, I am moving toward the milestone of having all my kids in school! That means I need to be wise with my time while they are gone.

20. What was the most bizarre encounter you've had in your life?

One time Shannon and I were riding an elevator, and Brad Wilcox got on. We were so happy to see him that we just stayed on the elevator - just us and him. It was only bizarre when we arrived at Brad's floor - the last place we could have gotten off - and we stayed on the elevator, indicating to Brad that we'd stayed on the elevator just because HE was there. We had to ride back down to the floor where he'd gotten on.

#nofilter

Speaking of bizarre encounters with popular religious figures, I met Jean Stevens once, and she totally spit on my face while she was talking.

It's cool, Sister Stevens. We are bonded forever now.

21. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

I feel like writing prompts are always trying to kill me off. Why do you want me to die?

22. What do you spend too much time doing? What don't you spend enough time doing?

Too much: ruminating and doing things that take my attention away from my kids.

Not enough: exercising and interacting positively with my kids.

23. What makes you feel the most alive?

Feeling a sense of worth, connecting with other people, and well... breathing.

24. What is something you know you do differently than most people?

Load my dishwasher.

25. What advice would you offer to yourself five years ago? One year ago?

Five: don't go to Fiiz. Ever. Because you will form a horrible addiction, and it will make you gain a lot of weight. And don't eat Halloween candy while you do your statistics homework because, again, you're going to gain a lot of weight.

(I haven’t been to Fiiz for a year and a half, save for a few months ago when I stopped there and got a a sprite with fresh lime).

One: don't order cheese fries from Freddy's. But this time it's because they are gross and not because you're at risk for addiction. I'm just trying to save you the disappointment.

26. What small gesture from a stranger made a big impact on you?

Several Years ago, I was stopped at a traffic light during a bout of construction. There was a homeless panhandler standing on the side of the road. Since we were stopped for a while, a man in the car next to me got out and gave the panhandler some money, shook his hand, and then gave him a really big hug. I am not the type of person that hands out money to panhandlers, but I believe that there are times when we might be moved upon by the spirit to do something of that nature without judgment. I feel like the giving man was acting on such an impression. It was beautiful to watch. When the man turned around, I realized he was someone I knew - my friend’s older brother. So in the end, he wasn’t a stranger to me, but he was a stranger to the panhandler, and that has always stuck with me.

27. What are you looking forward to in the coming months?

Camping!

28. Did you ever feel lost in your life path? How did you find your way again?

I was feeling lost a few years ago, and that's when I went back to school. The "feeling lost" part was necessary to push me toward where I needed to be, so feeling lost isn't always a bad thing.

29. What do you want your epitaph to be?

"She died right on time."

30. What do you regret not doing? Why haven't you done it?

I regret not learning to play the piano proficiently while I was young. Why haven't I done it? Key words: while I was young. I don't want to do it now. I have to save my brain space things like board game rules and the names of my children.

31. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

As usual, I refuse to answer this question but want to point out that it shows up in every writing prompt.

32. What's something you love about yourself?

My mind. As twisted and demented as it may be, I really do love my mind.

33. When do you feel truly alive?

See #23.

Now stop asking!

34. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with?

I have to say - this is a good question that really has me thinking. The answer is very broad, though. There isn't a short and sweet list of things people ask me to help with. The answer can be anything from putting library books on hold to giving people rides to wiping butts. Luckily, it's usually just my own children that need help with the butts, but I've had a neighbor kid or two holler at me from the bathroom. Eek!

35. What do you consider as your biggest achievement in the last five years?

Getting my degree.

36. What is the most challenging part of your job?

Not knowing if I'm doing it right.

37. What was a major turning point in your life?

When I knew that we were done having kids.

38. What's one thing that could happen today that would make it great?

Do I have to be realistic here? If so, I would love to have a burst of energy that will get me through the day's tasks.

If I get to be unrealistic, I have lots of options. Hugh Jackman could show up at my door. I could find $100,000 in cash stashed in my underwear drawer. I could take a nap and wake up 50 pounds lighter. My house could clean itself. Or my kids could do what I ask them to the first time.

39. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about he way you are now living? Why?

Again with wanting me to die!

Of course I would change the way I'm living if I knew my life was going to end so soon. It would effect my every choice. And it would be horrible because I wouldn't be able to just live. This is one reason I don't want to know this type of stuff (see #17).

40. What would you like to ask yourself?

That's a dumb question.

Something in Nature

Evidence that there is a Creator.

Nature, more than anything, testifies to me that there is a God. Nature is where I see all the signs that this earth was created. 

Silver Lake in Big Cottonwood Canyon

It just doesn't seem like chance to me. A great measure of care had to have gone into it. 

I consider myself to be only "semi-outdoorsy." I'm kind of a wuss, so my sense of adventure has a lot of limits. But I appreciate nature long time because it makes me feel stuff. 

Moonshine Arch in Vernal

I've traveled very little of this earth, but in the small amount I've seen, I have marveled. I envision Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ working together in the act of creation and then sitting back and waiting for God's children to discover all the little treasures. I imagine them saying, "I can't wait for them to see it!"

Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone

(lower falls)

I hope eternity includes a grand tour!