My CPAP & Me

Two years ago my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist to be assessed for ADHD. I was a little shocked when the psychiatrist referred me to a sleep doctor to be checked for sleep apnea. I didn’t, for one second, believe that I actually had sleep apnea, and I declined at first. I don’t remember what changed my mind. Perhaps just the possibility of eliminating sleep apnea so we could move on. 

When I got my results back from my sleep study, I was angry. I averaged over 25 “events” per hour which placed me at “moderate” sleep apnea. How could I stop breathing/wake up 25 times an hour and not know? The psychiatrist was right, and I felt like I was being scammed. 

My consolation prize, of course, was a CPAP machine.* Three months later, I went to a hospice center and picked up my supplies (it's humiliating enough to have sleep apnea - imagine my horror when they told me to go to the hospice center to get my machine. Hospice? Hospice???) Then I had to take a CPAP class to become fully integrated into The CPAP Club (next time I apply for a job, I’m adding this to the education section of my resume).

While I was prepping for my new lifestyle, some fellow CPAP users told me they'd noticed a difference pretty quickly after starting - they slept better, their brain fog cleared and their focus improved, and they started looking forward to using their CPAP at night. My doctor told me that it could take up to three months to get used to the CPAP and really feel a difference. Honestly, no one told me they hated it or struggled with it. But I hated it, and I struggled with it - both physically and mentally.

I gave it a diligent three months (I had to meet the criteria for insurance coverage). I didn't feel like anything improved. In fact, I felt like I slept worse with the CPAP, and I would tear it off at night and not remember doing it. Scotty said that when I used my CPAP I immediately stopped snoring and twitching. So I can't deny that it was doing something, but it wasn't making me feel better. It was only frustrating me. It was uncomfortable, and I felt like I couldn't breathe with the mask on. I didn't feel better rested or like my brain was clearing. I did, however, start to notice my sleep apnea. I knew I snored, and I knew I twitched, but what I didn't realize was that my airway really was closing off when I would lay down, and I started being able to feel it, but that sensation was less annoying to me than the mask.

I eventually stopped using the CPAP during my IDGARA era (sleep apnea was something I didn't give a rat's ass about). 

After a while I started getting phone calls from a sleep coach and letters from my insurance company scolding me for not using my CPAP. They track you, ya know! The machine reports your usage, and there's an app that gives you a score each night based on length of use, your mask seal, how many "events" you experience per hour, and how many times you remove your mask. 

(In my opinion you should earn points to redeem for prizes. If McDonald's rewards me for using their app, I think CPAP therapy should do the same). 

Eventually I started using it again, but first I went back to the hospice center and whined about how much I hated my CPAP and how I wasn't motivated to use it. I also whined to my sleep doctor. I don't know what I expected to accomplish through this whining, but I did it anyway! Everyone stayed adamant that I continue using my CPAP. 

I ended up trying a different mask, which I also hated. A few months later, I switched to a third style of mask, and hated that one, too. Then I went back to my second mask style and then back to my third. After a year and a half, I’d never had a night of CPAP therapy that I felt did me good.

When we went to Saint George last month, I was going to take my CPAP, but I wasn’t sure if I’d actually use it. I ended up not having time to pack it. I mean, I could have, but I was antsy to get on the road, so I chose to leave rather than pack my CPAP. Also, our van was full to the brim, so I didn’t want to take up any more space. We spent four nights away from home, and I had a hard time sleeping. 

On the first night back home, I returned to using my CPAP somewhat begrudgingly. But then it happened. I slept well. I felt good when I woke up. I liked being back on my CPAP! 

After nearly two years (August is my two year CPAPiversary), I have finally started feeling better when I use it, and I no longer hate it. I wouldn’t say I “love it” but I mildly respect the CPAP.

*A dental appliance is also an option, but my doctor strongly urged CPAP therapy because the dental appliance isn't as effective. I recently got a referral to a dental sleep center and would like to look into the appliance.