Thoughts for the final weeks

I've reached the point in pregnancy where it's hard to talk about anything else. Is that annoying? Or is it completely understandable? It's hard to tell. Either way, bear with me if I get in the habit of blogging about pregnancy. It will be over soon.

Right now I'm 35.5 weeks. Today I feel fabulous because I just turned a corner in battling a horrible sinus infection (my third since Christmas). I got sick on March 2 with the worst cold I've ever had. I thought for sure I had a respiratory infection because my lungs were burning, and I had a horrible cough that kept me awake through the night for several days. I went to the doctor, and they told me that it's "just a virus." Fine. I can deal with that. I'm glad its not pneumonia. But I was pretty sure a sinus infection was settling in. They told me they would readdress the issue when I'd had symptoms for ten days. On Sunday after church I started feeling a bruising sensation in my left eye socket. This is not the usual location of my sinus pain nor is it the the usual type of pain I experience, so it freaked me out a little bit. I may have convinced myself that I had a tumor in my eye socket even though it seemed reasonable that it was just a sinus infection. On Monday my OB/GYN prescribed some antibiotics, and now I have improved. The bruising sensation is gone, and even though I am not 100% mended, I feel like a million bucks compared to how I felt two days ago. Hooray for that! It is a beautiful thing to feel "normal." I don't even mind that I'm eight months pregnant. I can breathe! I don't feel like I've been punched in the face! It's amazing!

Just to make my Worst Cold Ever more exciting, I had 48 hours of false labor last week. I'd had exactly zero hours of false labor prior to that experience. All of my Braxton-Hicks contractions in previous pregnancies have been annoying and uncomfortable but not painful. Last week I started having painful contractions every three minutes. I couldn't walk, I couldn't sleep. They wouldn't stop, but they weren't getting worse, either. Occasionally they would get father apart and then go back to three-minute intervals. They sucked, but they weren't "enough" for me to feel justified in calling my doctor or going to the hospital.They went on for two days and finally went away. That was a new experience.

Last night Scotty and I may have picked a name. I'd say it's an 85% chance. The reasons I can't fully commit are three-fold:

1. It is a weird name. I have a hard time deciding whether it is cruel to give my child a weird name. However, my son's name is weird (it's not Nicky), and he has fared just fine in life thus far.
2. The baby might not "look the part" so I need to leave a bit of leeway in case she comes out, and she is clearly NOT a [insert name here]. (This is what happened with Zoe. We had three names to choose from, but when we saw her, none of them seemed to fit, so we had to start from scratch).
3. I might hear a name in the next few weeks that I like better.

The name we're considering is very meaningful, though, and that helps cancel out the weird factor. The more I think about the name, the more I want to use it, but we'll see... we'll see...

(By the way, if you ask me what the name is, I won't tell you. I'm sorry! I just can't. I've never been able to tell people my babies' names before they're born. I have some subconscious fear of jinxing them. And just to be even more cruel, I don't use my children's real names on this blog, so some of you are really out of luck. Sorry. I've been a real tease today).

Just in time for me to have another baby, Zoe has decided to become a stereotypical two year old. The tantrums! The not knowing what she really wants! The stubborness! The wanting to do everything herself except for the things she actually should do herself! The refusal to wear clothes! The resistance to the car seat! The hitting! The pinching! The biting! The incessant screaming for no reason! 

I remember this! It goes on for years! In fact, Daisy hasn't entirely passed this phase yet. 

I guess I have a lot to look forward to! 

The Irrational Pregnant Britt

Anxiety and irrational fears are a common part of pregnancy.

During all of my pregnancies, I worry more than usual. I have generalized anxiety anyway, but it gets worse when I'm knocked up. I'm always a little more afraid of traumatic things happening to my family. I worry about natural disasters, car accidents, deaths, and all of that other good stuff. I also always worry about slipping and falling in the shower. This is probably because I do slip and have a close call every time I'm pregnant (this pregnancy when I slipped, I hit my leg on the edge of the tub. That was almost two months ago and my leg still hurts where I hit it. I'm not sure if that;s okay).

I think those are probably pretty common fears during pregnancy, but I've also had some fears that are a little more irrational.

During my pregnancy with Nicky, a man died at Disneyland and a boy died at Disney World. This made me paranoid of dying at a theme park. I vowed that I would never go on another ride as long as I lived, and I would never take my family to a theme park. I thought about it all the time and spent a lot of time researching every death at a Disney resort. Obviously I've gotten over it since I've been to Disneyland with my family approximately twelve times since then.

While I was pregnant with Daisy, I knew (knew!) that Scotty was going to leave me someday. It wasn't going to be within that year or the next, but three years down the road or more, he was going to realize that I wasn't treating him very well, and he was going to tell me he wanted a divorce. His new wife was going to be a much better housekeeper and a much more affectionate woman who might as well raise my children for me. I would cry at night because each time I went to bed, I was sleeping away my remaining time with Scotty.

With Zoe, I was worried about being stalked. I thought someone was out to get me - following me, watching my house, and so on and so forth. I was worried that my son was going to be taken from school, so I talked to the front office and told them I had reason to believe that someone might try and get my son from school. I was always jumpy when someone would knock on my door or call my phone. I had to change my ringtone eventually because it started making me ill to hear it.

This time, I have a lot of smaller fears, but one of the dominant ones is my fear of passing out in the shower. I've been sick a lot this during this pregnancy with head colds and sinus infections. I have had fluid in my ear almost the entire time I've been pregnant, so I am always trying to force it out by plugging my nose and blowing (this is what my doctor told me to do). It doesn't ever work for me, but sometimes it forces the fluid toward the outer ear enough that it stops bothering me temporarily. Whenever I try to blow the fluid out, it always makes me feel like I'm on the brink of passing out, and one day, our of sheer stupidity, I did it in the shower. I realized that if I were to actually pass out in the shower, I would probably drown. How long would my kids leave me naked and dying in the shower before they checked on me? Now every time I shower, I imagine my death because I'm either going to slip and fall or pass out.

So those have been my fears. Some are irrational, some are a little more understandable, but either way, I look forward to a decrease in my anxiety someday.

This Pouting Thing

Yesterday while working on a homework assignment, I sat my laptop on the couch intending to quickly run into the kitchen to put a glass in the sink, and the second I took a step, Zoe charged at it. I was hardly two feet away, so I said, "No, no, Zoe!" and I picked up the laptop and took it with me. When I returned to the living room, Zoe was standing in the middle of the room with her head down. I looked at her for a second thinking what on earth is she doing? Then I realized... she was pouting!

Pouting!

It was the funniest thing. I just stared at her for several minutes while she stood there, still as a statue. I "Psssst!"-ed at Scotty to get his attention and then pointed to Zoe and whispered, "She's pouting!"

It was quite a phenomenon for us to behold, you see, because we've never had a child who pouts. Our kids are big tantrum throwers - they have all excelled at screaming and thrashing around on the ground like they are possessed. When they are experiencing strong emotions, they let us (and the entire neighborhood) know it!

None of them has ever pouted in that isolated, silent way!

I remember about five years ago when I was babysitting another child. I don't remember what happened to make him upset, but he ended up standing in my living room with his arms folded for about an hour. He was completely silent with his head down. I kept checking on him to make sure he was still there, and he stayed firm in that position. I was blown away. Then I realized that I'd never seen this child scream or throw a tantrum for his mom. I asked her afterward if he ever threw tantrums, and she confirmed that he never did, he would just sulk when he got mad.

I couldn't help daydreaming about what that would be like. Just think, if my kid got mad at me in the grocery store, instead of screaming and throwing himself on the ground in front of the shopping cart, he would just stand still with his head down. I could easily put him in the cart and push him around while he pouted, and he wouldn't disturb anyone! And if he ever got mad at home, he wouldn't roll on the ground and kick the walls. He would just stand in the living room out of the way and sulk and it would be quiet. What a different life that would be!

I don't know if there are any long-term differences between children who loudly express their anger via tantrums and those who do so quietly through sulking (maybe one is more likely to end up a serial killer), but I am fascinated by this pouting thing. It will be interesting to see if Zoe continues to do this in the future or if it was just a one-time thing. Either way, at this point, it's new to me, and I admit I'm intrigued. Don't get me wrong, though, the girl can still throw a mean tantrum. In fact, a couple of cashiers at Sam's Club know her by name because of her tantrums (she's made her mark).

Mama Rat

A few weeks ago, we stopped by the pet store because it has animals and it's cheaper than the zoo. While we were looking at the pets, I came across this mama rat. The picture isn't very clear, but she had baby rats climbing all over her trying to get a hold of her nursing parts.* The poor mama was so tired, she could barely open her eyes. She glanced at me for just a second before her eyelids fell, and then she lifted up her little paw and stuck it against the glass as if to say, "We are sisters, you and me."

I couldn't stop looking at her, and even after I moved away, I came back two or three times because I was so enthralled with her. She looked exactly how I felt, and I think we had a mutual understanding between us. I've never breastfed multiple children, or even one, for that matter, but I know the feeling of kids climbing all over you and needing you. Sometimes all you can do is find a friend who "knows" and hold your hand up to the glass in surrender.

I get you, Mama Rat. I do!

*Took me a minute to decide what kind of vocabulary word I wanted to use right there

Done?

One of the best parts about blogging is having the ability to look back in time and reminisce about my life. I guess the same could be said for a journal, but the way I write on my blog is entirely different from the way I write in my journal. My journal is a little bit depressing, but my blog includes a lot of happy and a lot of funny, so there's more balance on my blog.

For the past few weeks, I've been meaning to go back and read some of my posts from my last pregnancy. This morning I finally did it, and it was funny to see the similarities and differences. Most things are similar which means maybe, just maybe, I am going to survive this pregnancy and be myself again someday. That's the part I always forget - the pregnant version of me is not the "real" me. My personality changes a lot when I'm pregnant, and I get very lost. I start feeling like I'll never come out of it, but then I have the baby and food starts tasting good again, and life gets a little better.

The disappointing part of reading my old pregnancy posts is that I found out I had only gained 8 pounds by this point in my last pregnancy. I can't complain because this time, I've only gained 13 so far, but still... I thought I was so well-off only to discover that I was better off last time. Oh well. Thirteen isn't bad at all for 34 weeks. Plus, I started off this pregnancy ten pounds lighter than my last pregnancy... so I'll just shut up now.

With this being my fourth baby, I'm hoping to be "done." Four has always been "my number." I've always wanted four kids, and I've always felt confident that God supports that desire. But sometimes God can be a little hard for me to comprehend, so now that I've pregnant with #4, I've been wanting to ask Him, "Am I done now?" But God tends to do this thing where He lets me know that I don't get to have the answer yet. So I've been hesitant to ask because I'm worried the answer is, "I'm not telling you that right now," and then five years from now I'll get the prompting that I need to have another baby. The answer I want is, "I am so proud of you for having the faith to bring these children into the world. They are all here now! Go forward and raise them the best you can! I will be here to help when you need me!" That seems like a righteous enough desire, doesn't it? And having that answer will help me move into a new phase of life (plus, I really, really don't ever want to be pregnant again!) So I got brave the other day, and I asked, and I can't say that I have received a clear answer, but my two-year-old has been screaming consistently for four days straight (i.e. ever since I asked), so I'm kind of leaning toward, "Yes, you're done! Good luck with the screaming!"

Currently {February 2015 Edition}

Reading: Fortune's Pawn by Rachel Bach. It's sci-fi, and totally not my thing, so I'm not sure if I'll stick with it. Over the past few months, I've ready one fantasy (Seraphina by Rachel Hart) and one mystery (The Impersonator by Mary Miley) which are also "not my thing," so I feel like I've really overachieved lately.

Edit: I finished Fortune's Pawn and really enjoyed it, however, it has some mild swearing and one passionate moment that may not be suitable for all readers.

Watching: Master Chef Jr. The finale is next week during our Cub Scouts' Blue & Gold Banquet, which is SUCH a bummer (I'll have to see if my mom will DVR it for me). These are the types of problems a desperate primary president runs into when she calls her husband to be a den leader. I guess Nicky and I could skip the B&G Banquet... Hmmm...

Procrastinating: homework. It's the middle of the semester, so I officially have no motivation left.

Wanting: a new bathrobe (must be terry cloth).

Craving: nothing. Everything tastes terrible. Two more months until food tastes good again! I can't wait!

Wearing: jammies. I am blogging in bed. Because that's what people with Wi-Fi do.

Relieved by: nothing. I'm in "high stress mode" right now, and I can't think of one thing to be relieved about. Okay, I guess I can be relieved that my kids are all asleep right now. That's always nice. 

Missing: knowing my body. Pregnancy is so unpredictable. I never know if I'm going to have energy, if I'm going to be sick, if I'm going to be in pain, if I'm going to start crying for no reason in a the middle of a meeting... I miss the reliability of my non-pregnant body. 

Neglecting: my hair. It needs some professional help.

Thankful for: my amazing husband. Holy moly, I am one lucky girl. 

Looking forward to: mid-terms next week. I'm weird; I like taking tests!

Loving: hot, hot showers. I've had a lot of sinus infections this winter (I always do), and I have back pain and rib pain from pregnancy, so hot showers are my relief. I love sticking my head in the hot water and letting it pour on my face to relieve my sinuses. In fact, I think I'll go do that right now...

Almost Modern

Here at the Brittish household, we're a little "behind on the times."

For example, we still had dial-up internet in 2007. No one had dial-up internet in 2007! Just us.

I used the same cell phone from 2002-2011. Then I finally got a Blackberry (Blackberries were no longer cool by then). I am still using that same Blackberry...  Four years later.

We just got iPads last year. They are a 1 & a 2, and the only reason we bought them is because they were $30 each (used). They've been kind of pointless for us to own, though, because we've never had Wi-Fi.

We don't have a Blu-Ray player or any type of cable or dish. In fact, our DVD player broke a while ago, so we use an old Play Station 2 (from 2002) to watch movies. We still have (and use) two VCRs. We don't have a Netflix account.

Our main TV is one of those gigantic big screens from the 90's. It's square, so some of the image from each side of the screen is always cut off. It requires a digital converter box.

We got a little bit of money for Christmas, so we went wild last month and bought what we consider to be a huge technological advancement: a 32" flat screen TV for our bedroom. Our first flat TV (I better clarify that it's not a smart TV - that would be too big of a step! It's the cheapest TV we could find with good ratings, hardly an investment piece).

And yesterday...

We got Wi-Fi.

So in a month, we've advanced from 2006 to 2010. It's like we've been frozen and we just thawed and awoke in an entirely new era.

Now we just have to keep it secret from our kids. We don't want them to know how almost-modern we are!