Wrestling

We all have our "wrestles," right? The things we battle over internally? Here are some of the things I'm wrestle over lately:

Whether I should get a job. 

Now that my kids are all in school, I am constantly contemplating whether it's time for me to rejoin the workforce. In all honesty, I don't want to. I also don't need to. But I often think about how we could get ahead and be in a better place financially if I were bringing in some income. We can live on what Scotty makes, but we have to be very, very careful. If I worked, maybe we could replace some broken appliances, pay off our house a little sooner, or build up our savings for things to come. 

As a stay-at-home mom, I feel insignificant sometimes - like I'm not contributing to society. I also worry that other people think I'm lazy or that I live some cozy lifestyle that doesn't require effort or sacrifice.

Whenever I pray about working, though, I get the answer to continue staying home for now. I have times when a friend calls me and asks if I can take her kids to school because their carpool didn't show up, or one of my kids gets sick at school, or there's a shooting in the area, and I'm grateful in those moments that I'm available, and I remember that I actually am contributing, but I wrestle.

(Please note that this is not a commentary on anyone else's decision to work or not work. I believe it's so personal, and every family situation is so different. That's why I pray about it often - just to make sure I'm doing what's best for our particular circumstances).

My kids not being who I wanted them to be. 

When I was young, I had a vision of what my future family would look like. Basically, my kids would be perfectly groomed and excel in all areas of life. They would be athletic and talented - singers, dancers, actors, and readers. Perfectly obedient, of course. Extremely likeable and popular (in the good ways, not the bad ways). I would rarely have to discipline them because I, as the perfect mother, would nurture any bad behaviors out of them by the age of six months by teaching them sign language, cloth diapering them, and feeding them homemade baby food (true story). 

I didn't get that family - I don't think anyone does. My kids don't like what I think they should like. They don't do what I want them to do. They don't dress the way I would dress them. They're not good at the things I thought they would be good at. We butt heads over things I never thought I'd butt heads with a child over. I had no notion that any of my kids would struggle in school or hate reading. They are their own people, and I'm trying my best to let it be that way, but I wrestle. 

In some ways, they are better than I ever would have hoped. But in other ways, I sometimes mourn what I don't have. That sounds horrible, but I trust you other mothers know what I mean. As they get older, it's only going to increase the gap between the vision I had of my future family and reality, so I need to be at peace with these spirits I'm responsible for. 

Working with other people.

I don't work well with others. I never have. I'm an opinionated control freak, and I'm not great at delegating or socializing. I'm not a believer in "many hands make light work." In most cases, I think "many hands" get in the way and make things a lot harder, and I just want to do everything myself. 

I also find that nobody else thinks like me, so I always feel differently about everything than the people I'm working with, and I wrestle.

I'm consistently in a battle between avoiding situations where I have to work with other people and trying to be a better team player.  

Holidays.

I could easily write a ten-page essay on my struggles with holidays, but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say that holidays are hard on me. I have high anxiety during holidays, and because of that, I am not the most pleasant person to be around. So, this being the week of Easter, I'm trying to keep myself in check and not have a major freak out, and I wrestle. 

Knowing my place in our families.

Scotty and I both come from blended families. Together we have eight parents and 24 siblings. Out of our four families, I really only know my "place" in one of them. In the other three, I just feel lost. It's no one's fault - so I'm not trying to place blame - I just have to confess that I often don't know where I belong. That's part of why I have a hard time with holidays, and I wrestle.

Giving my time.

Right now, I feel very selfish about giving my time away. I don't want to volunteer at my kids' school. I don't want to do my Church calling. I don't want to help people! I just want to hole up in my house and read books and not do anything for anyone. This is contrary to who I want to be, and who I should be, and I wrestle.

Lack of compassion.

Along with not wanting to be giving of my time, I'm finding it difficult to feel compassion for some people around me who are struggling. There is one person, in particular, who is going through some hard things, and I can't muster and ounce of compassion for them. I don't want to help this person at all. And when I acknowledge this within myself, I think, "Where is this evil coming from? Why do I feel this way?" and yet, I feel that the best way to help this person is to let them suffer, so I wrestle. Is that really true, or am I just hard-hearted? 

What to write about on my blog.

There's someone I've known most of my life (who has since left my life, but not for any scandalous reason - he just moved out of state, and we've lost touch) who used to always say, "I'll probably read about this on your blog later!" 

Let's call him Tommy Boy. 

Anyway, Tommy Boy believed that anything I ever experienced would end up on my blog, and I used to always get a little defensive about it because, in truth, there is so much that I don't put on my blog. There are some things I really want to write about, but I'm not sure if it would be in the best taste. There are things that make me angry that I would love to write about. There are things that have happened in my family that I would love to write about. In some cases, I think writing about things would be very healing and would help me (and you) understand me better. 

But I try to be careful about what I put on my blog. I know I don't always make the best choices in my content, but I try to use good judgement, and I wrestle. 

So, Tommy Boy, if you ever see me fall off the treadmill at the gym, I probably will write about that on my blog. But that horrible thing that happened ten years ago that you were privy to because you were my Church leader? I don't get to write about that. Even though I really want to.