The Princess and the 'F' Word

The 'F' word is not a part of my vocabulary. That's not to say that I never slip a swear in, but when I do, it's never the 'F' word. Not now, anyway. I went through two phases - one as a child and one as a teen - where I said the 'F' word a lot. It's like I needed to get it out of my system or something, but those days are far behind me. 


As an adult, I have said the 'F' word one time. It was when Nicky was about 18 months old. Scotty had been laid off from his job, and we had filed for COBRA. For a few days, Nicky had been running a very high fever and acting lethargic (not at all like himself). I kept hoping he would snap out of it, but on the third day, I knew he needed to be seen. We hadn't received our new insurance cards yet, so I called the human resources department of Scotty's former employer to see if they could get me the group numbers and what not. Turns out, they had never submitted our COBRA paperwork. I ended up calling  the ask-a-nurse hotline for advice, and the nurse I spoke to told me about a clinic that charges only $30. I drove 40 minutes to the clinic and rushed in with Nicky only to find out that they don't treat children under the age of two. As I dragged Nicky back out to the car, I started crying. 

I put Nicky in his car seat and kicked the tire of my car a few times. Then as I reached in to buckle Nicky's seat belt, I noticed his ear was draining. Then I said it:

@#%!

(In hindsight, I was so lucky that Nicky's ear was draining. How nice to know without a doubt that my child had an ear infection. That is the only one Nicky has ever had. Daisy, on the other hand, has had no less than twelve ear infections, and it had been a guessing game every time since her ears never drained. All hail the mighty tubes! They saved our lives!)

I know there are people out there who have said the 'F' word a lot less than I have (I don't think Scotty has ever said it), but I think I still have a commendable track record.

The other day, however, I had this vivid memory...

I was riding in the car with Scotty. The kids were in the back seat screaming and fighting... you know, like always. I was feeling very annoyed because I was trying to talk to Scotty about something important, but the kids kept interrupting with their disruptive banter.

"Nicky took my toy!"

"Mom! She's touching me!"

The usual.

I could hardly finish a sentence without turning around to work out some sort of dispute between the kids. My blood was reaching the boiling point when Scotty turned to me and said, "Just ignore them, Britt!"

It was the wrong thing to say, and I snapped.

"Don't you think I'd #@%! ignore them if I could?" I yelled.

I immediately felt guilty, but I wasn't going to show it. I'd said the 'F' word, and Scotty was just going to have to deal with it.

As this memory came to me, I was sitting on the couch next to Scotty. I turned to him and asked, "Scotty? Did I say the 'F' word in the car the other day?"

He said no.

"Are you sure?"

He said yes.

Then he told me that he has never heard me say the 'F' word.

I felt so uncertain because I distinctly recalled saying the 'F' word to him. The guilt I felt was so sincere, and the memory of "snapping" was so real. I felt it all like it had been a legitimate experience.

But apparently it was just a dream.

The next morning, Daisy and I were watching a Disney sing-a-long DVD featuring Cinderella.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep..."

she sang.

[source]

I immediately thought of my recent dream and realized that if Cinderella really knows what she's talking about, then my heart wants to yell the 'F' word.

The most interesting part of Cinderella's song is the promise that she makes that,

"No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true!"

So it seems I'm going to need to watch my mouth for the next little while.