Holding My Peace

This morning I was reading in the New Testament about when Jesus Christ was examined before Caiaphas prior to the crucifixion. As several people came forward to bear false witness against Him, "Jesus held his peace" (Mattew 26:63). He didn't defend himself or argue. He didn't tell his side of the story - He just remained silent.

Lately I feel like I have a lot to say. Too much, in fact. I want to write things in blog posts and shout stuff from the roof of my house, but because of the nature of the things I want to say, I'm better off staying quiet. I want to tell you about the things that are troubling me - the things that are keeping me awake at night and the things that make me cry - but I feel like I can't go into any of that because it isn't appropriate blog fodder, and doing so would require me to betray the privacy of other people.

I want to confess the things I've had to do lately that make me feel so un-Christ-like that I wonder how I'll ever be forgiven. I also want to tell you why I've chosen to do those things and how, even though my actions seem harsh, I have been counseled by my bishop, my stake president, and a social worker to do so.

I want to tell you about the friendship I had to walk away from. How I had to do it for my own well-being and how it eats away at me every day, no matter how many times I receive a confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I want to tell you about how I have to resist the urge to call and to visit and how, even though I feel like I  have a pretty good idea when this person needs help with something, I have to stay away and let other people tend to her needs.

I want to tell you about pains I feel and struggles I experience. I want to tell you about the person I am so angry with,  I can't even look him in the eye.

I want to declare my fears and my dread and tell you about how every time my phone rings or I hear a knock at the door, my heart plummets into my stomach because I'm terrified of who's there.

Even though my circumstances are different from the Savior's, I am reminded of His great example. Christ knew when to tell His story and when to remain silent. This is a time when I want to let it out; I want to release some of my angst and set some of my opinions free, but I am restrained by the Spirit. I know that I must hold my peace.

So forgive me for my ambiguity here and for my lack of quality posts lately. It's hard to want to say something and not be able to say it.