Tuesday, September 12, 2017

We're still working on the kitchen (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: There's a setting on our TV that makes a creepy voice read the descriptions of shows on Netflix and tell us how loud the volume is. I don't know how it gets turned on, and I don't know how to turn it off. It's on right now (courtesy of Eva who had to hurry and push every button on the remote as I moved toward her to take it away), and it sounds like a robotic alien has possessed the TV.

I'm pretty sure we have better technology than that. If I can make my iPhone talk to me in the voice of an Australian man (I like to pretend it's Hugh Jackman) then why can't my "smart" TV afford me the same favor?

Fact #2: Last week I was late almost everywhere I went. It was really weird and very unlike me. I was ten minutes late to a hair appointment, which has never happened! And from then on, I was about five minutes behind on life for the rest of the week. 

I think it was because I was always painting, and there was consistently just a little bit of paint left in the dish that I'd want to hurry and use before I ran out the door (every drop counts!)

Fact #3: I find it interesting that there are hardly any consequences for being late. Unless you're trying to catch a plane, you can walk in late almost anywhere and not have any issues. 

This is not a good thing. 

Fact #4: I'm back to my punctual ways now. 

Fact #5: Okay, so I'm punctual. You know that.

But in addition to that, I have a hard time slowing down. Now, don't confuse "slowing down" with "being lazy." I don't have a hard time being lazy. In fact, it's one of my special gifts.

I have a hard time slowing down in the "stop and smell the roses" kind of way.

Fact #6: That scene in Zootopia with the sloth makes me absolutely crazy.

Fact #7: Two of my biggest fears are severed limbs and MRIs.

Fact #8: I worry so much about someone losing a finger (or any body part) and me having to transport the victim and the limb to the hospital.

I don't want to make decisions about the limb, and I don't want to be responsible for the limb.

But just in case, I spend way too much time googling how to care for limbs because I don't want to do it wrong. We have a friend who did it "wrong."

(Don't put the detached limb directly on ice!)

Also, we have a friend who cut off his fingers last weekend and had to go into surgery for 20 hours to reattach them.

Limbs are no joke! Neither are eyeballs.

Please don't ever make me deal with dislodged eyeballs.

Fact #8: The MRI thing is a matter of claustrophobia.

I can't even.

Fact #9: Those aren't my only fears. Nor are they my top fears. They are just two of my fears.

Fact #10:  I'm also paranoid of sea creatures, earthquakes, and getting injured on a loose toilet seat.

Then there's my irrational fear of choking on carrots while driving. Not at any other time. Only while driving.

So I obviously don't eat carrots when I drive.

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