Britt on Anti-Depressants

Back in June, I wrote a post that made me realize that I needed to get some help. Two days after I wrote that post, I went to the doctor and started anti-depressants. I've now been on the pills long enough to know that they are working. I still have bad days, but overall, I am doing much better. The funny thing is, I can't really remember what it was like during the "bad time." I just can't imagine myself feeling that low, but I know that it was real. There's some distance now that keeps me from fully recalling it, but at the same time, having a turn around has helped me recognize just how bad I was.

Part of depression, as you may know, is losing interest in things you once loved. I've gotten back some of my passions and interests in the past month few months. For example, I don't remember the last time I read (and enjoyed) a book, but this week, it happened. I've also found that I'm able to accomplish more. Three months ago, going to the store was too much. Cooking dinner was too much. Doing homework was too much. I could hardly take care of my kids, and all I wanted to do was lay in bed with the TV on (which was not possible due to the aforementioned kids, so I felt additionally burdened by not being able to do what I felt like doing).

I didn't like being around other people, and yet, I constantly felt bored and lonely. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but I felt like I had no one. And the hardest part was that I felt like I was worthless. I resigned myself to being incapable of improvement, and in that worthless state, I felt true shame.

This, of course, affected my relationship with God. I was in a bad place spiritually for a while. I'm still struggling in that area, but it is getting better. I am only able to recognize my spiritual impairments now that I am on the other side. I didn't realize, in the thick of it, what was actually happening to me. There is one thing I can attest to, though; despite my distancing myself from God, I never felt like He had abandoned me, and I'm very grateful for that.

Right now, I am very happy - happier than I've been in a really long time. Britt on anti-depressants is a good Britt. I have been able to do things with my kids that I wasn't able to before. I'm cooking again and planning out a budget, making grocery lists, and following through. I'm making the birthday posters for my kids' school again (I stopped last year because I couldn't handle it). I'm embracing my social circle and spending quality time with people I love. I'm serving others and trying to seek out those who might need a friend. I'm recognizing my talents, and I'm being kind to myself.

I realize that this could be temporary. There may come a day when, even on medication, I slip into the fog again, but for now I am thriving. I am doing good things. I am happy, so I'm going to work it!

Thank you, little pink pill.