I want to be a really good friend. I want to be trustworthy and thoughtful. I want to be loyal and understanding, plus all of the other adjectives that describe a really awesome friend.
I especially want to be worth keeping... because a lot friendships are disposable.
I can't say that I am that friend. In fact, I'm probably nowhere close, which might be why I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately.
To be honest, I kind of suck at making friends. I don't really know how to do it. I always have a desire to get to know people better, and I always wonder, "Could we be friends?" But far as I know, we'd have to spend time together to accomplish that, and that's where things get a little awkward for me. I've tried the whole invite-someone-over-for-playdate-and-lunch scenario a ridiculous amount of times, and I don't know how to tell if the invitation is appreciated or resented. You see, the invite is never reciprocated. Never. So I'm left to wonder if it's because the other person is shy or because she just doesn't really want to be friends.
In my imagination, I extend an invitation to a new friend. We have meaningful getting-to-know you conversation. We part ways feeling happy that we spent some time together. Someday down the road - it doesn't have to be right away - she gets the itch to socialize again, and she invites me to go on a picnic a the park, meet at the McDonald's play place for some Mom Therapy, or hang out at the local pool.
But it doesn't happen.
I realize that not all potential friendships work out - I'm guilty of not desiring a close friendship with a few individuals, myself - but sometimes I feel like I'm this desperate creeper on the playground begging for a buddy.
It all makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. Do I come on too strong? Am I too sarcastic? Am I weird? Do I impose on others? Am I intimidating? Do people think I'm mean? Am I too judgmental?
Or are other people having just as hard a time as I am making friends?
I just don't know.
The other aspect of making new friends that I have a hard time with is the part where we have to face our differences. It seems that whenever I embark on a new friendship, we spend the first phase of the relationship discovering our similarities. It's so much fun to find someone who loves to read, adores board games, and/or has a similar parenting style to me. But after a short time, the differences start to become apparent.
I'm very punctual and an early riser.
She sleeps until 10:00 and is always late.
I let my daughter watch Dora.
Her kids aren't allowed to watch TV.
I enroll my children in public school.
She homeschools.
I have strong opinions about multi-level marketing.
She sells Mary Kay.
At first, we accept our differences, but as time goes on, they start to drive a wedge between us. I get tired of waiting for her all the time, and I don't want to invite her over to my house anymore because I feel like I have to keep the TV off and deny any requests my children make to watch a show with their friends. Meanwhile, she is sick of apologizing every time she's late, and she feels like I'm not supportive because I don't buy my make-up from her. Eventually, we drift apart and experience a few awkward run-ins each year.
This is one area of life where Scotty and I differ. Scotty has never "needed" friends. He never hung out with people in high school - his yearbook was signed by ONE person - and he's never been concerned with belonging. He never worries about meeting new people or having someone to golf/fish/run with. And, although this description of him makes him sound like a bit of a nutcase, he's totally normal and very-well balanced. He just doesn't prioritize "being liked." I, on the other hand, need to have friends. I need to be liked and feel validated. I need people to talk to and laugh with.
I'm just not sure why it's so hard to find that.
I hope I don't sound ungrateful for the friends that I already have (because they are great and most of them have been around for many, many years), but I feel like making friends is a life-long skill. Unfortunately, it's a skill I lack.
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8 comments:
Dude. You just described me perfectly. I am exactly the same way!! And my husband?! Just like Scotty. I don't know how to help the situation or fix it... I wish I had all the answers!
I think you described the majority of men and women..we crave friends..while guys don't..I have no answers for you on why it doesn't work out..but I had a friend..we were great friends..as couples too..until they had kids..it was fine that they had kids..but they would invite us over to their house and the kids had to be involved in what we were doing and then it felt like we were babysitting them while the parents mentally checked out..so we quit hanging out with them..and we didn't like them at our house either as they let the kids pretty much have the run of our house..and this gal doesn't play that game..they need to be respectful and some parents just don't get it..I don't mind kids in my house..but don't be running amuck and tearing up my home and you just sit there and let them..in my generation..you were seen and not heard..
I think making friends is hard. In fact since college, I have actually made most of my friends through work, because that is where I unfortunately spend most of my time, also once I stop working with these people, our friendships tend to go to the wayside a bit.
The friends I see the most and have the most in common with are the ones I hung out with post-college and pre-marriage. I think that is when we defined ourselves the most and hung out with people based on what we liked about each other, not because we were sitting in cubes next to each other at work or had the same study hall in high school.
My husband doesn't make new friends. He keeps the old. Most of his friends are from high school and a few they've added to the group through college. His high school reunions are actually more fun than mine, because I see more of his classmates and their spouses than I do of my former classmates.
Your friends are out there, it just takes time to find them. Kind of like a husband.
I think making friends is hard. In fact since college, I have actually made most of my friends through work, because that is where I unfortunately spend most of my time, also once I stop working with these people, our friendships tend to go to the wayside a bit.
The friends I see the most and have the most in common with are the ones I hung out with post-college and pre-marriage. I think that is when we defined ourselves the most and hung out with people based on what we liked about each other, not because we were sitting in cubes next to each other at work or had the same study hall in high school.
My husband doesn't make new friends. He keeps the old. Most of his friends are from high school and a few they've added to the group through college. His high school reunions are actually more fun than mine, because I see more of his classmates and their spouses than I do of my former classmates.
Your friends are out there, it just takes time to find them. Kind of like a husband.
I think making friends is hard. In fact since college, I have actually made most of my friends through work, because that is where I unfortunately spend most of my time, also once I stop working with these people, our friendships tend to go to the wayside a bit.
The friends I see the most and have the most in common with are the ones I hung out with post-college and pre-marriage. I think that is when we defined ourselves the most and hung out with people based on what we liked about each other, not because we were sitting in cubes next to each other at work or had the same study hall in high school.
My husband doesn't make new friends. He keeps the old. Most of his friends are from high school and a few they've added to the group through college. His high school reunions are actually more fun than mine, because I see more of his classmates and their spouses than I do of my former classmates.
Your friends are out there, it just takes time to find them. Kind of like a husband.
Thanks for nominating me on Power of Moms and for telling me because I was really curious how they heard about me. Thanks so much - it was flattering to think that someone thought that highly of me.
Oh and this friend thing - you sum things up so well. I always wanted to post a post about friends or my lack thereof but was worried that the few local friends I do have would be offended.
I never get my phone calls reciprocated. I am always the invitee not the invited and after awhile you just can't help but think 'What is wrong with me?'
I loved this post. It is a big struggle in my life right now - I used to have great friends and I would love to have that again but I just have yet to find it.
You are awesome. And if we lived in UT, I would invite you over and our kids could destroy the house and watch Dora and eat fruit snacks by the pounds while we discussed the finer points of Hugh Jackman's hotness.
The NY Times had an article a little while ago about how making friends as we get older is statistically more difficult, and why. It was really quite fascinating. Here it is
xox
I need less friends. Freal. You can have some of mine. I met a new friend just the other day who invited me to dinner & I had to resist the urge to say, "I'm sorry, I already know too many people. I work two jobs and have soccer 5 days a week 4 hours a day so I'll more than likely just end up disappointing you." Strangely enough though - I've never felt as isolated in my life as I have over the last month.
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