Thursday, May 24, 2018

Depression, Denial, & a Doctor

About a year and a half ago, I wrote this post about some of my experiences with depression. I've struggled with depression off and on for most of my adult life. I have a hard time calling it what it is, though. Even though I've come in and out of it, it's still onerous for me to think it's depression. It feels so deeply like a spiritual problem, and I have the tendency to place the blame on myself.

My "depression" (even now, I'm finding it difficult to name it) manifests itself in the form of anger & irritation, a low sense of self-worth, fatigue & low motivation, and spiritual aversion. Only when I'm on the other side am I able to see it for what it really is. I'm currently experiencing all of these things, and I'm half objective about it and half in complete denial. The only reason I'm half-way able to admit it's depression is that yesterday, a thought came into my mind, "You know what this is - you've experienced this before. Call your doctor."

The funny thing is that I just filled out a depression survey at my new doctor last Tuesday, and I "decided" before I filled it out that I don't have depression, so I filled it out as if I don't have depression. Then in the comments section I wrote, "I've been treated for depression and anxiety in the past, but I don't currently need treatment."


I don't want to do it. I don't want to be a person with depression.

{I'm not too depressed to enjoy a good giph}

I don't know if it will do me any good (in fact, I am in a mind space where I truly don't believe it will help - I remember feeling this in times past) but I'm going to the doctor in the morning. I'll start medication... again... and despite my lack of faith in it, maybe it will help me get to a place where I can help myself (non-medicinal routes aren't realistic right now because I have no motivation to work toward healing).

I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it. Somehow it makes me accountable, I guess. And it gives me something to look back on later to see if I'm improving. If I read this in six weeks, and I don't feel better, then I know I need to explore other solutions.


Sus said...

This is exactly the kind of depression I've had for more than 25 years, Britt. :( Every time I think I've got it beat, it comes back to haunt me once again. I even manifest the exact same ways you do!

Sometimes I think mine comes from not feeling in charge of my own life . . . I've had too many responsibilities, children, and other people to consider. "Other people's opinions" (like my husband's) always seem to take precedence and I never truly feel like I can make my own choices.

And, of course, lack of sleep contributes as well. LOL

I hope you'll follow through and get some help. You deserve to feel better. <3 said...

Ditto your comment on my pregnancy breakdown post... I don't know what to say... But I am cheering for you!