Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Got time?

This week feels really strange.

I'm technically in between semesters, so I don't have any school work. This has granted me flexibility with my time that I don't really know how to handle. I spent about an hour this morning looking at recipes online. That's not something I can normally do, and it felt so weird to have the freedom to just look at food without a deadline pressing on me. I could have looked at food for three more hours, and it wouldn't have caused me any great amount of stress.

I've started my internship, which is a new adjustment. I need to complete a minimum of 12 hours of internship work each week to get my hours in before I graduate. But even with this new investment of my time, I've had a few points in the week where I haven't had anything to do because I've finished my assigned task, and I'm waiting to hear from my supervisor about what to do next. That has resulted in some hours of free time where there isn't much that I have to do.

It's weird to think that this was what my life must've been like before I went back to school. I often think about how I spent my time before I was in school. I don't remember what it was like. I remember feeling stressed and busy and tossed to and fro by my children, but I don't remember how I used my time. What did I do back then? I vaguely recall baking bread regularly and reading three books each week. Is that what filled my days? I just don't remember! All I know is that I thought I was so busy. And maybe I was. I just can't imagine it.

To be perfectly honest, I'm worried about how I'm going to spend my time after I graduate. I hope I use it responsibly. Part of me is nervous about losing school as my crutch. For the past few years, I've had school as my excuse for everything.

Take out for dinner? School.

Ignoring my kids? School.

Messy house? School.

Weight gain? School.

In the next few months, school is going to go away, and I'm going to be left without my excuse for everything. I might have to confront some truths about myself that I don't want to face - that I'm lazy, that I overeat and overspend, that I'm not always content with the stay-at-home mom life even though I feel very strongly that that's what's best for my family.

As excited as I am to reach the milestone of graduation, I'm also scared of it.

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