Ten Parenting Hacks: Realist Edition

Lately I've been seeing a lot of "parenting hacks" on the internet, and they kind of make me laugh. Don't get me wrong... about one in twenty hacks is actually useful, but a lot of them are just plain dumb.

Like the one that said, "Warm your kids clothes up before you put them on."

Thank you, whoever that was. Because if moms have time for anything, it's warming up their kids clothes before chasing them around the house for 12 minutes and pinning them down to wrestle their flailing limbs into sleeves.

Other "hacks" I've scoffed at...

• Dress your kids in the same clothes so you can find them easily in the store.

Because kids love being dressed alike. They really do. I know this because my kids have agreed to this... never. And heaven knows you have time to launder and prep coordinating clothes for every trip to Walmart!

• Buy underwear with cartoons on it because your potty training toddler won't want to pee on his favorite character. 

Really? Thanks, Internet. No one has ever thought of that in the history of potty training. And you're right! No kid would ever pee on Lightning McQueen. Especially not every damn day until he turns five!!!

• Add sprinkles to food your kids don't like

I tell you no lie - this one was accompanied by a picture of broccoli with sprinkles on it.

When I see these "hacks," I think, "These are cute, but let's get real!" So today I am offering ten real parenting hacks:

1. Let your kid wear the same outfit for a week straight. It won't save you on laundry because somehow your kid will manage to dirty 36 other pieces of clothing without ever changing outfits, but at least you won't have to get them ready every day.

2. Keep a snow shovel in the pantry. You can use it to shovel all your kids' stuff off the floor, and then you can flip the shovel over and use it to scrape the dried spaghetti off the kitchen linoleum.

3. Put apple juice in a syringe and give it to your kids, explaining that it is "special medicine" that makes them be good. Then sit back and take notes on the effects of the placebo. (Hint: it won't work, but it's something every parent needs to learn).

4. Every night, after your toddler goes to sleep, dip her feet in black ink so when she wakes up the next day and refuses to put her shoes and socks on, you can take her out in public and not be judged. Unless someone notices, in which case you say, "That conniving little devil! I can't believe she tricked me like that!"

5. Let your kids eat their boogers. That way, they don't end up on the surfaces of your home. Plus, it's good for their immunity.

6. Instead of using plates, serve your kids' dinner directly on the table. Or, even better, tell them you're having a picnic, and put their food on the floor. Keep the snow shovel nearby while they eat (and by "eat" I mean "whine, complain, and make barfing noises in reaction to what you've cooked").

7. Let everyone use the same toothbrush. It's much easier to have a "use any toothbrush you can find" policy than to keep track of everyone's toothbrushes.

8. Pour 1/4 cup of milk on your van floor everyday for two months. By the end, you will be so desensitized to the smell, that sour milk will never bother you again.

9. Any time you buy a loaf of bread from the store, throw it on the ground and stomp on it, taking away the satisfaction from your kids who would surely do the same thing before you get to the checkout.

10. Eat your lunch in the bathroom since kids plan their poop schedule around your feeding schedule. Practice holding a sandwich in one hand and toilet paper in the other. Like boogers, it's good for your immunity.