Sunday, June 25, 2017

Who am I?

I have about three weeks left until I graduate.*

When I went back to school, I was experiencing a bit of an identity blip (I decided to go with “blip” instead of “crisis” because it wasn’t really a “crisis” – just a period of feeling lost). I didn’t really have any fresh goals. I wasn’t progressing. I was a little bit depressed. Even my friendships were in a bit of a rut. Going back to school helped me find what I’d lost. I felt a new sense of purpose, and I felt like I actually knew something other than diaper brands and PBS Kids series.

But now I’m here at the end, and I am again experiencing an identity blip. I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know who I will be when this is over.

Part of me wants to start fresh, but the other part of me longs for someone that I used to be.
I know I’ve changed in the past three years, but it’s hard to take inventory of my change because I don’t know what’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like I will have to get reacquainted with myself after I graduate and really figure out who I am again.

I hope I don’t sound melodramatic, but going back to school and having four little kids was hard. It was so hard. And I had to adapt in so many ways to be able to do it.**

One of my biggest fears is that I will have a degree, but I won’t be better. If I’m not better at the end of this than I was when I started, what is the point? Nothing I’ve learned matters if I haven’t transformed into something better. I feel like I’m going to be put to the test.

I keep having ideas pop in my head for things I want to do after I graduate, but I keep suppressing those things. I can't overwhelm myself. 

One thing at a time, Britt. 

Finish school, then take it slow.  

*After graduation I will have about a week’s worth of assignment and internship work to complete. I feel like I need to throw this out there because it might make me hesitant to celebrate. I don't want to do my victory dance before I cross the finish line. 

**Now I have friends who are talking about going back to school, and I have to fight every urge to say, "Are you INSANE???" Because guys, I'm not lying when I say it's hard. 

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