I won't go into the details of said project right now because I'll probably write a post about it when it's done, but it involves large pieces of paper, a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, and glue.
Lots of glue.
Anyway, for a brief time, I have been able to be
CREATIVE.
Creativity used to be very important to me. I used to devote a significant portion of my life to projects of all kinds. I used to decorate. I used to paint and sew. I used to renovate furniture and make clothes. I planned parties and designed centerpieces. I even took pictures with a real camera in aperture priority mode.
Heck, I used to write.
(And I did it all before Pinterest existed).
I don't do any of that anymore. In fact, the project I have been working on is nothing like any of those things I used to do.
But still...
As I've been cutting, gluing, and creating, I've realized how much I have changed in the past few years, and not necessarily willingly.
I've had to set all of the creative things that used to fulfill me aside so I can keep afloat in my daily life. With three children at my heels, those things are too difficult now. It would require boarding school tuition for two and a large kennel to allow me to do those things.
I don't think it's a bad thing that I spend less time on projects these days - I probably spent too much time on them in Nicky's younger years - but I kind of miss having some skills. I used to be able to bake a pretty decent load of bread, craft a meaningful birthday card, or stitch a throw pillow at the drop of a hat. Now if you ask me to do any of those things, I feel overwhelmed and panicky because I can't manage my time well enough to let the bread rise, the kids have used all of my paper supplies to make sail boats, and I can't find a needle in my house if my life depends on it.
I hope that someday I can find something to be good at again. I know that sounds melodramatic, but the things I'm investing my time in right now are things that I'm not great at. Everything I accomplish lately is done by the skin of my teeth. I miss the feeling of doing something well rather than doing something well enough.
Now, I hope you're not reading this in a voice that makes me sound whiny and pathetic. If so, change your tone to something a little more optimistic, but analytical.
Even though I am struggling a little bit with my current situation, I have no doubt that there is something creative happening behind the scenes - it's just not my time to be creative. Rather it is my Heavenly Father molding me and shaping me into something better. He has pushed me to change my priorities. He has allowed me to fail. He has put me in places where I am not the best and where I do not shine.
He has urged me out of my comfort zone, and while it is a hard place to be, I think there will be progress here.
5 comments:
This makes me happy, the part where you are taking to time create, even if you aren't positive the end result will look how it does in your head. Lessons to be learned, there, young Padawan.
xox
This reminds me of an episode of Blue's Clues.
Let's check our handy-dandy notebook. We have paper, a book, and glue. What do you think Britt is creating?
I wish I could let go and be more creative even with young children under foot.
I love love this whe post. I really like the line..."I hope that someday I can find something to be good at again." Amen! I feel the same way. Just getting by in so many areas. But I also love your part about how maybe it's not my time to be creative...but that right now Heavenly Father is molding us. I'm confident in that, and hope and pray that I can be more patient with myself. Sometimes I can be a slow learner :) this reminds me of this awesome quote I just read...I'll send it to you.
Wow! I feel the exact same way. Thanks so much for sharing this. I will have to have a better perspective on my current situation and realize that Heavenly Father is preparing me for something better.
I seriously know how you are feeling. I used to so all those things too and now I don't. I thought life would get easier when kids started having a life and things calmed down but really things are just busier and they never calm down. I'm still working to find that "place and person" that Heavenly Father wants me to be while surrounded by no time to figure that out. I can understand the struggle and I only hope that things will work themselves out. :)
Post a Comment