Pretty Darn Sure

This post has been stirring in my mind for almost a year. I haven't written it because I don't know if I'll get it right. Today I'm just going to start writing and see what happens.

I believe in God.

Based on that statement, there are now fifty different directions I want to go, so I'm going to try really hard to keep my thoughts organized.

First off, the purpose of this post isn't to convince anyone to believe in God. I really just want to explain a few reasons that I do and what that belief looks like. This post is kind of for me. I already know I'm going to come back to this one a lot in the future - whether I hit "publish" or not.

Next, I want to talk about the word "know." I believe in God, but I don't know there is a God. I used to think I was supposed to know because people (especially in the culture of my Church) are always saying that they know. I have said the word know hundreds of times in regards to my own beliefs and testimony, but when I sit down and really think about it, I realize that I do not know.

I believe.

I have faith.

I have hope.

I have a strong conviction.

I'm pretty darn sure.

But I do not "know."

And I don't think I'll know until I see God or the Savior face to face.

When I speak of my beliefs, I now try to not use the word know. I love contemplating words and coming up with new ways to say things, so for me, it's a fun challenge to consider how I might phrase my testimony to more accurately reflect my belief. However, I don't have a problem with those who do say they know. Some people get tripped up over this word, though. "Know" has various connotations that make it easy to use even when you don't have "100% absolute knowledge and proof." So a person may say that they know there is a God when really, they are just pretty darn sure.

I don't know that there is a God. But I know that if there is a God, He is okay with us not knowing. What He wants from us is belief and faith in Him (and actions to reflect that belief). That is enough. In fact, that may even be more than knowing. Faith is kind of the point anyway. The prophet Alma said in the Book of Mormon that, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true" (Alma 32:21). In essence, knowing is not required.

So here I am: not knowing.

But believing.

I have always had a deep fear of experiencing anything counterfeit. This holds me back a little bit with God because I don't want to fall prey to my own imagination. The mind is powerful, and I understand that if I am looking for God, I will find "God" whether He exists or not. So sometimes I am wary and I tread carefully. I want to have authentic experiences with God, but the only way that can happen is if God absolutely exists.

Last year I overcame this to some extent. I found myself in a situation where I could feel something. I can't explain where I was emotionally or mentally because I don't remember. All I know is that across the span of several days, I felt like God was right there. I felt love emanating from Him, and that love made me feel good about myself in a way I never had before. I could sense my true worth. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I could look out at this terrifying world and feel a sense of peace because someone greater than myself - and greater than any person on this earth - was watching over us. I experienced the true absence of fear. That meant more to me than anything else - I wasn't afraid. I didn't realize how enveloped I am in fear from day to day until I shed fear entirely. It was one of my greatest burdens relieved - one I didn't know the weight of until it was lifted off me.

That's the closest I've ever come to "knowing" that there is a God. It was a fleeting feeling - it didn't stick around long, but I haven't forgotten it. During that time I had a brief moment where I considered that I had created it myself - that everything I was experiencing was counterfeit. But then I had a thought: that's how I want to feel for the rest of my life. Loved, valued, and fearless.

To have that, I'm willing to let it be counterfeit. But ultimately, I believe it's real.

About Failure and Break Dancing

A couple weeks ago I wrote about how I'm teaching a summer dance class (see #9). As part of that class, I do a short character building lesson. I try to do an activity or add something in the choreography each week that relates to the character building lesson. For example, our first week we talked about body language and how it sends a stronger message than what we say. We talked about how dance can tell a story or depict emotion. Then I had the girls walk across the floor two at a time to the music while showing them a paper with an emotion written on it. I asked them to adjust their body language to match that emotion. They had fun with it. We also went through some specific examples of how our body language can affect our communication with others.

This week, something kind of cool happened, so I wanted to write about it. I recently told you about my fear of failure. I'll have you know that I haven't overcome it by any degree. Probably never will. But I feel that it's something important to talk about with kids, so my lesson for this week's dance class was on failure. I asked the girls about failure and mistakes, and they said all the right things. They gave me all the quotes, and they knew their stuff. After our discussion, I told them, "Today I'm going to teach you a dance move that might be hard. You probably won't get it the first time. Some of you might not figure it out today. You might have to go home and work on it all week. But I promise that if you keep trying, you will get it, and you will be so proud of yourselves!"

Later in the dance class, I showed them the move - the "Coffee Grinder" or "helicopter" (and yes, I can still do this, but it ain't pretty, and it hurts). I learned it when I was eight, and I danced to "Rump Shaker."

(Yep. Eight-year-old girls dancing to "Rump Shaker." Sigh...)

Every single girl (except Daisy because I taught her this a few months ago) stared at me with her mouth agape and said, "I can't do that."

I asked them to practice over and over, and I told them, "If you keep trying, I promise it will click at some point, and you will be able to do it!"

I had two girls just flat-out give up. One even laid on the floor and didn't move again until it was time to leave. But all of the other girls kept trying, and one by one, each of them figured it out! Even one of my littlest ones - who always complains that I'm torturing her - walked out of class this week being able to do the coffee grinder (she claimed I made her get a butt cramp, and I said, "You enjoy that butt cramp! It means you worked hard!")

I loved watching this unfold because the girls all struggled at first, and they all had an excuse for why they couldn't do it. They complained that it hurt. That their legs couldn't move that way. That they were tired. Then one by one, they figured it out, and once they got it, they just beamed with excitement. They suddenly, it didn't matter that they had floor burns on their feet or that their leg muscles were tired. They were so proud of themselves that they kept showing me over and over again that they could do it! I even had a dad text me later that night and tell me how awesome it was that his daughter could "break dance," and I was thrilled to know that she went home and said, "Dad, watch what I can do!"

It just reminded me of that simple life lesson - one that I'm forever learning - that not everything is going to go right the first time, but if we keep trying, we might just get there.

Book Shelf Renovation

About ten years ago, my in-laws gave me an IKEA gift card for my birthday so I could buy a bookshelf (thanks, in-laws!) I bought a $60 shelf, and it has been in the same spot in my living room ever since.

Do me a favor and pretend this is a better photo

The shelf has held up pretty well for an IKEA piece. The shelves are slightly bowed, but not bad enough that I'm wanting to replace it. Since I have a bunch of wood I'm trying to use up, I decided to try a little renovation on the bookshelf.

I stained and white-washed some planks of wood and then cut them into pieces and attached them to the back of the bookshelf for a new look. 

Here's how it turned out:

It was a very forgiving project since most of it ended up covered by books anyway.

Here it is put back together:

In hindsight, I could have just put the wood on the two visible sections, and no one would have ever known! But it was fun, cheap, and easy, and my inability to cut straight lines worked out somehow. 

Also, I highly recommend taking a photo of your bookshelf if you ever need to empty it for any reason. Putting things back on my bookshelf always takes me hours because I think I remember where everything goes, and then I realize I don't and I end up shuffling and re-arranging over and over (during my KonMari phase, the bookshelf just about did me in). My photo saved me this time, and I had everything put back in the right place in five minutes. 

Breakfast is Calling (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: This morning when my family started getting up for the day, I thought it was 8:00 a.m. I was thrilled that my kids had slept so long. No one has slept that late all summer, except for Eva last weekend at her grandparents' house. Turns out, it was really 7:00. False alarm.

Fact #2: Since it was only 7:00 (as I type this, it's 7:18) I am now filling the extra hour with a bit of blogging while my kids watch 5-minute crafts on YouTube.

Fact #3: 5- minute craft videos lead my children to believe that hot glue can hold anything and everything. Just one more way the internet is filling us full of lies. LIES!

Fact #4: I am biding my time while I wait for the appropriate hour to arrive wherein I may go outside and use power tools. I am in the midst of a bookshelf renovation, I have another custom order for the wood crafts I've been making, and Scotty and I are building a TV console.

{Custom order for Kara}

{Custom order for Karylann}

Fact #5: I had some beautiful fence slats that I hoped to use to make some cool stuff, but I was pretty sure they had lead paint on them. I've never tested anything for lead, and I have a few items in my home for which I'm taking an "ignorance is bliss" approach, but since I'm making things that will go in other people's homes, I figure I should test for lead.

As I suspected, the fence slats were positive.

{Red = lead}

Fact #6: So sad! Because look at that paint!!! (Heart eyes!)

Fact #7: I'm starting to drift from my Marie Kondo magic, and I want to fill my house with crap again. I've made a few purchases from the thrift store in the past few months that probably weren't wise and definitely weren't Marie Kondo-esque (I'm looking at YOU, gigantic Minnie Mouse chair!)

Fact #8: But it was only $4!!! And it made my daughter love me for a minute. I'll pay $4 for love! I will!!!

Fact #9: Speaking of thrift stores, every time we go to a thrift store, Zoe finds at least one stuffed Nemo and buys it. She now has six stuffed Nemos, and they all have descriptive names like, "Fat Nemo," and "Big, Fact Nemo." I'm expected to know exactly which Nemo she is referring to, and I fail her time and time again. 

Fact #10: I'm a little late to the game with this filter, but here's what I look like as a dude:

If you're feeling attracted to me right now, just remember... it's not real. Don't let the internet lie to you!

(Also, the filter had a really hard time working with my hair. Ha ha!)

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End time: 7:57 a.m. Probably still too early for power tools. 

An Honest Discussion About Campfire Cooking

One of the best parts of camping is the food. Amiright?

Of course there's the question of where to go and what to take and how long to stay and what to do, but the most important and exciting question is what are we going to eat? My personal definition for "camping" is "going to the mountains overnight to eat."

Someday I'm going to go backpacking with Scotty, and imma need to take a pack goat. For my foods. Because my foods aren't gonna be cans of tuna and MRE's.

When we went camping last week, we made a meal plan that utilized the campfire quite a bit. We ate some tried and true campfire meals. Like hot dogs and smores.

You can roast hot dogs and marshmallows with confidence. I mean, sure they mostly end up charred, but somehow it works. They're hot dogs, after all. Just slather them in jDawgs sauce, and it will hide all their flaws.  

(I will add here that when it comes to smores, I am a traditionalist. Graham crackers, mallows, Hershey's chocolate bars).

We also tried campfire cheese fries. I don't care what the People of Pinterest and the Mighty Internets say - I didn't believe the cheese fries would turn out. Scotty wanted to give them the test, though. 

Scotty and the kids gave them a thumbs up and even made another batch. I only ate one fry, so I don't feel like I can adequately assess the dish, but the one fry I ate was like unto a frozen fry from the grocery store that was baked in the oven (which is kind of what it was except... campfire). I much prefer my cheese fries deep fried, like fries are meant to be. 

For one of our dinners, we tried campfire pork nachos. 

We decided to heat the meat on our camp stove first, which was wise because the chips would've been charred if we'd left them in the coals long enough to heat the meat. Many of them were charred anyway, and they tasted like smoke. 

In my opinion, after trying it out, there's no reason for nachos to go in the fire. Yet, this idea is all over the Pinterest, and no one says, "By the way, your chips will taste the same way your hair smells after it's absorbed five minutes' worth of camp smoke." Let this be a reminder to one and all that Pinterest is chock full of lies. LIES! 

(And there was no way I was gonna fall for campfire French toast. I took one look at those photos and said, "Nope. Uh-uh. Ain't no loaf of bread comin' out of a campfire lookin' like that!" LIES!)

Our final campfire meal was one that we tried for the first time last year: breakfast burritos!

I pre-make the burritos at home (scrambled eggs, sausage, and cheese in a tortilla) and wrap them in foil. Then we just put then in the coals and turn them a few times until they are heated through. They are pretty yummy, especially since the tortilla crisps up, but they are also easy to burn. It's hard to heat them through without getting the tortilla too charred. I like to put Herdez Guacamole Salsa and sour cream on mine.

My thoughts on campfire cooking after last weekend are: some things are okay cooked over the fire, but I think most things are better NOT. Next time we camp, we'll take more advantage of our favorite Goodwill purchase: our two-burner camp stove ($25). 

My Life in a Few Pictures

Here are some photos of things that have been going on lately:

I mentioned a few posts ago that I've been making some stuff out of old barn wood. I've sold quite a few pieces, and it brings me joy to create things and send them out into the world. With the time and resources I put into making these crafts, I figure I pull in about $1 an hour. It's definitely not something I'm doing to "make money." But it's something I've always wanted to do, and I've learned a lot of new skills along the way. 

I decided to use this as my "Choice & Accountability" value project toward my YW Medallion. I passed my ten hours a long time ago. I'm going to retire either at the end of this week or next. I need to eventually put all my crap away and start taking care of my living space again. 

I have a few custom orders to finish up, and then I can close up shop.

One of the things I wanted to make was a shark:

I made two of them. I sold one, and I have one left that I might hang in Eva's room because she loves sharks (she has shark bedding and several stuffed sharks).

Moving on... here's a sample of what I deal with as a mother of three girls:

My girls have the most tangled hair. I've tried so many products and special brushes. Some make it easier to manage, but nothing keeps it from turning into a rat's nest.  Daisy's is the worst because hers is the longest and thickest. It looks like this pretty much every morning. 

I have brand new, twin baby nephews. SQUEE!!!

They are so tiny and so sweet. I love them and want to snuggle them all the days, but when I hold them, I know that I don't want any more babies of my own. I'm perfectly content enjoying other people's babies at this point. 

Raise your hand if you love Aunt Brittany!

Just look at those skinny, little arms, and those baggy elbows! SWOON!

I've gone two summers without jDawgs sauce in my house. This year, we are fully equipped to enjoy summer hot dogs. We like to get the Kirkland Signature all-beef hot dogs from Costco and top them with sauerkraut, thin-sliced dill pickles, and jDawgs sauce. 

Oh my yum.

Speaking of "yum," I tried the coconut shrimp tacos at Cafe Rio yesterday for the first time, and I loved them! How have I gone this long without them? Why didn't anyone tell me they are so delicious? (Seriously, I've never heard any feedback about the coconut shrimp tacos, which are only served on Tuesdays). 

I don't have a picture of the tacos, but I do have this picture of Eva eating black bean juice from a can:

It's relevant because my kids love the black beans from Cafe Rio. 

While I'm talking about food, I might as well tell you that I often sneak to Chick-Fil-A for free breakfast without my kids, and then I hide in the church parking lot to eat, and I put all the evidence in the church dumpster. 

I don't really even like Chick-Fil-A breakfast all that much. I had to force down this breakfast burrito. But the time alone with food is beautiful. I gotta admit, it was the Coke that really made it so. And I'm now two days sober. So I don't even know what to look forward to this week. 

A-Camping We Did Go

We've gone camping the last two weekends in a row. The first outing was our ward (church) camp out. It was just a one-nighter, but we had a great time. Scotty was on the planning committee, and therefore, I was on the planning committee by marriage. Things went pretty smoothly, though. Our kids had a blast running around with their friends.

This past weekend, we went camping as a family. Now that we are getting further away from the diaper and bottle lifestyle, we can start doing this more!

(Even though it's a ton of work to go camping, and I'm daunted by it every time!)

I bought Scotty a new tent for myself for Father's Day.

I have tent issues. I hate being in tents. I feel like I can't move. But our new tent is a "cabin" tent, so it's nice and tall, and I can stand up straight in it. That made a huge difference. Scotty didn't really want a new tent, but after we camped in it, he admitted it was a good buy.

Plus it has lights! LIGHTS!! They were pretty amazing. You push a button and the tent lights up.

Holla!

Since we went camping over Father's Day, let me preface this post with a few camping-related details about the father of my children.

During the day, the picnic table at our camp site was in direct sun, and it was pretty hot. I commented on this fact, and within a few minutes, Scotty had strung a tarp over our camp spot.

I joked that I was thinking about leaving Scotty after we got home from camp, but his tarp hanging skills were so excellent, I decided to stick with him a while longer. 

Really, though, Scotty's tarp hanging skills are pretty sexy. The fact that I can make a subtle comment about the lack of shade, and he creates shade for our family within minutes is a part of his character that I really adore. 

Another series of attributes Scotty has can be seen in the way he handled this scenario:

We went for a walk around Silver Lake, and Scotty saw that someone had left a make-shift teeter totter on the side of the path. He got so excited and told Nicky to get on the other side. They teetered. They tottered. And then the log snapped in half, and Scotty flew to the ground and landed flat on his back. 

And he just laid there laughing. 

I love this about him... how he has a playful side and gets excited about things like teeter totters made from tree stumps, and how something can go wrong, and he will still laugh about it.

I felt some gag-worthy love toward this guy over Father's Day. I'm so grateful to share my life with him. And I am utterly spoiled. 

As you can see in the photos, there's still snow in the canyon. There wasn't any where we were camping, though. We camped a lot lower, but we drove up to the lake where there was still quite a bit of snow. There were people snowboarding and skiing still! 

{a mound of snow at Brighton Ski Resort}

Silver Lake still had some ice on it in some places. 

And about half the trail was still covered in snow. It made for a fun, adventurous walk.

Back at our camp, we hung out in hammocks, ate some interesting campfire food (post to follow), played card games galore (I taught my kids how to play Cover Your Assets, Speed, and Solitaire), and surveyed the wildlife. 

On Sunday morning, a moose wandered right through our camp site. We moved our kids behind the picnic table as a precaution, but he just moseyed on by.

We all had a great time and came home sufficiently filthy and reeking of "camp."