Conversations with Pioneers: Episode 3

Today, in the state of Utah and other surrounding areas, we celebrate Pioneer Day, commemorating the era of pioneers coming to settle in the Salt Lake Valley. 

Whenever I contemplate pioneers, I can’t help but wonder what they would think of our modern-day life. Thus, I have created my own imaginary pioneer, affectionately named Pioneer Pearl, with whom I discuss our current world. You can read my previous conversations with Pioneer Pearl here and here.

In honor of Pioneer Day, allow me to once again visit with my fictitious friend, Pearl.

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Pioneer Pearl: What are those large circles on your head?

Me: Mouse ears.

Pioneer Pearl: What are they for?

Me: They don’t have a function. We just wear them because this is Disney World, and we can!

Pioneer Pearl: You bring your family here and wear mouse ears that have no purpose?

Me: Correct.

Pioneer Pearl: So everyone here is pretending they are a mouse?

Me: No! Some are pretending to be princesses or villains, and those people over there are pretending to be ducks!

——-

Pioneer Pearl: What is this cold, jug-like thing full of white liquid?

Me: It’s a gallon of milk.

Pioneer Pearl: Oh! Delightful! How many cows do you have?

Me: None. 

Pioneer Pearl: Goats, then?

Me: None.

Pioneer Pearl: Where does your milk come from?

Me: Walmart.

Pioneer Pearl: I’ve not heard of that animal before. How often do you have to milk your Walmart?

——-

Me: I’m waiting to buy groceries on Friday because Smith’s is doing 2X fuel points.

Pioneer Pearl: Points? Will you be participating in some kind of game?

Me: No. I’ll buy groceries, and I’ll earn points to use for discounts on gas.

Pioneer Pearl: So you’re going to spend money to save money?

Me: Exactly! In fact, now that I think about it, I have enough points in my McDonald’s app to get a free Happy Meal! 

Pioneer Pearl: They have a meal that makes you happy?

Me: Well, no. It actually tastes like depression, but it’s FREE!

Pioneer Pearl: Free with the points that are not from playing a game, right?

Me: Yes!

Pioneer Pearl: So how many depressing meals did you have to eat at McDonald’s to get a free Happy Meal?

Me: 18!

——-

Pioneer Pearl: What is this that you’re doing?

Me: It’s a game called The Oregon Trail. I’m a wagon leader guiding a party of settlers from… Oh no! I just died of dysentery! Hahaha! Every dang time! Hahaha!

Pioneer Pearl: Dysentery is funny in 2023?

Me: Of course! It’s been funny since at least 1974 when The Oregon Trail came out.

———

Pioneer Pearl: I’ve noticed that nearly everyone in your family has holes in their pants. I’d be happy to help you mend them if you’d like!

Me: You’re never gonna believe this, but…

———

Me: Oh! It’s time to stand up!

Pioneer Pearl: Why do you need to stand up?

Me: My watch told me to.

Pioneer Pearl: You have a device that tells you to stand up?

Me: I sure do!

Pioneer Pearl: Do people in 2023 forget to stand up?

Me: We sure do!

Sleep is calling, but I’m hitting the ignore button (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: You may recall last summer when I thought it would be fun to let my girls express themselves artistically by painting our outdoor play set. 

Not what I had in mind

The other night I let them have another go. This is more what I envisioned:

It’s not exactly eye candy, but it’s a lot less… murder-y.

Fact #2: This week I harvested and bottled my entire crop of green beans. If you want to know what that looks like…

This…

24 sq ft x 9 seeds per sq ft = potentially 216 plants

(Definitely doesn’t look like it, but that’s square foot gardening for ya!)

Equaled THIS:

5 qts (minus one that didn’t seal) and 1 pt

(Enough green beans for my family to have a scoop of them once every ten weeks for a year)

If we’re lucky, we might get one more quart if I have time to pick and can green beans in the next day or two. 

Fact #3: The written word “can” in reference to “canning” food always plays out weird, doesn’t it?

Fact #4: Never do garden math. It will only discourage you.

Fact #5: I obsessively look at recipes, and Scotty obsessively looks at maps.

Fact #6: My brain has turned to mush. Remember how the other day I walked a half mile with a lens missing from my sunglasses? Well, yesterday I found this bowl of cantaloupe in my cupboard. That’s where I keep my batter bowl… when it’s clean and empty. So at least it was in the right spot!

Fact #7: I bought a pizza from Little Caesar’s the other day, opened the box, and this is what I got:

I’ve seen those viral videos of how employees strategically cut the pizza so they can steal a slice undetected, but I don’t think that’s what happened here. It’s more like someone stole half a pizza, and someone else stole half a pizza, and then they put the remaining halves together, and they were two different sizes. 

Oh how I hate an unsolved mystery!

Fact #7: I want to collect Little People sets and LEGO mini figures. 

Fact #7: I numbered these wrong. 

Fact #8: The way I hold my phone makes an indentation in my thumb, and then when it’s time to use my thumb to touch the screen, it doesn’t work right because of the divot. 

Fact #9: I accidentally walked in on my mom’s cat in the bathroom last week.

Fact #10: I found this squirrel on one of my recent morning walks. 

I felt a connection. 

An Incomplete List of Awkward Situations: Episode XV

I’m currently at the tire store having my tires checked. We’ve had a very interesting tire season. In June we had nails/screws in tires twice in the van and once in the truck - one of which occurred while we were on vacation. The van’s tires were repairable, but we had to buy four new tires for the truck (they were due anyway, we were just trying to hold off until fall). 

Then on Monday of this week, Nicky left in the Jeep, and his tire fell apart. 

Luckily he was very close to home. But we had to buy four more tires. This, too, was anticipated, but we were hoping to wait until fall. 

Why fall? I don’t know! That’s just when Scotty finally gets around to doing tire stuff. In the division of his & her responsibilities, I’m happy to let him do the car stuff, but usually it takes a deadly snow storm to get him going on the tire situation. You know how every family has their own weird culture? One of our things is that we “wait until fall” to buy new tires (which actually means the middle of winter) unless we are forced. This summer, we have been forced.

It may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not. Mostly I’m just laughing inside and thinking, “What the heck?” I promise, I’ll take flat tires over many of the other possible problems life could throw my way. It’s just starting to feel too contrived at this point. Am I part of an elaborate practical joke? 

Anyway, I've been here long enough that I've found myself in the following awkward situation:

I need to go to the bathroom. But I'm worried that if I do, they'll call my name. I'm also worried that someone will steal my seat. I have the best one! All the other seats are in the sun. As I'm sitting here worrying about going to the bathroom, I'm also calculating how many times I could have gone potty, and they haven't called my name. What am I at now? Eight? Ten? So I should have just gone when I got the initial urge. But every moment I delay is a moment closer to them calling my name. 

Fast-forward ten minutes...

I went to the bathroom, and I was so fast! Like, so fast. And when I came out, another customer said, "Are you Scotty?" I was confused because A) I am not Scotty and B) Why is a customer asking me if I'm Scotty? Turns out, they had the van under Scotty's name in the computer, the employee came in and called out Scotty's name while I was in the bathroom (as I feared), and then he just went back in the bay. So I had to go wandering around trying to find whoever had my keys. Luckily the other customer gave me a head's up because it didn't seem like anyone was going to come back in to find me!

Awkward!

Here are some other awkward situations that have been brought to my attention as of late:

When you you walk past three people and say 'Good morning' before you figure out what’s wrong with your vision on your daily walk.

When garbage from your food order blows away, and you can't catch it, and it has your name on it, so now you're a litterer, and everyone will know who the responsibly party is!

When you are right-handed, and you try to use your left hand to insert your debit card at the McDonald's window.

When the McDonald's employee watches you struggle and then says, "You know, you could just use Tap!"

When you try to use Tap, but you're never sure if you're placing your card in the right spot.

Anytime you have to use the word "cervical." How is this even a thing that the neck and the cervix share this word? If I were to tell you that I lay on a cervical pillow for 30 minutes everyday, what would you think I was doing?

When you leave a butt print in the grass, and it shows every little detail. And it's huge. 

When you attend a party hosted by your non-alcohol-drinking Church, and the person in charge of music is blasting, “Two Pina Coladas” by Garth Brooks. 

When you see a missionary with a mullet and you think, “I didn’t know missionaries could have mullets!” but then you realize he doesn’t really have a mullet, he just went out in public after sleeping on his head funny and very clearly didn’t groom himself. 

When audiobook narrators pronounce words incorrectly.

When horses lay down.

When you hear the non-radio-edit version of a song for the first time and discover that it says b*tch, and you’re shocked and upset about it because you wouldn’t have expected it from this group, and you listen to it twice to make sure, and then you go ask your husband if he knew they said b*tch, and he says no, and then you Google the lyrics, and they actually don’t say b*tch. You just hear scandalous language where there is none!

Flower Talk

I’m not a great flower grower. I know little to nothing about flowers, and I don’t care to take the time to learn. So flowers, for me, are mostly random experiments with very few successes. Plus, sometimes it’s nice to try something without knowing all the rules because then you don’t have to live by them! 

(Don’t let my kids catch on to that mentality).

Last year in my garden I planted (I think) zinnias from seed. They ended up being about three feet tall. I never thought zinnias were that tall. They were pretty much my greatest flower triumph of all time. That got me feeling confident.

Last year’s zinnias

This year, I planted zinnias (I think) from starts, planning on them getting three feet tall, but they are just a few inches off the ground.

This year’s zinnias

I always plant marigolds by my tomatoes. I don’t know if this really helps the tomatoes or not, but I enjoy the little pop of color, so I continue planting them. 

You can’t see any tomatoes, but they’re in there somewhere

This year I tried planting marigolds from seed, but only a few grew. They are now two feet tall. I’ve never seen two-foot tall marigolds, and they haven’t bloomed yet, so I’m not sure what’s coming!

I’ve been anticipating the blooms for a week now, and I check every day, but so far this is it!

What will you be, my little mystery flower?

Speaking of tomatoes, tonight I picked my first cherry tomato! Sadly, I’m the only one who will eat them.

This spring I tried growing dahlias from seed. This is what I got…

That is not what dahlias look like on the internet! But my distant relative told me that dahlias from seed take a few years to start blooming well. I didn’t even know I planted perennials. Maybe next year I’ll have an accidental dahlia field (please bless! I’ll take that over my current mint farm, although I love the way the mint smells!)

Side note: the mint reigns supreme! Every few weeks, I let Eva cut down a bunch of mint to make a salad for the chickens. Tonight she made them a salad with mint and other herbs that needed cutting back as well as some peppers and squash that we haven’t been able to eat. I had to laugh at her choice of serving dish.

Back to flower talk…

I plant sunflowers every year because they’re practically weeds, so that means I can actually grow them!

My favorites are a mixture of yellows and reds. I prefer thinner stems and a height of about 4’. I thought that’s what I bought this year, and yet…

The first one bloomed today, and it’s way up there!

Side note: we had a beautiful rainstorm this evening that was just what I needed! I sat outside for about three hours just enjoying the mild temperatures and the gloom in the sky. It was so refreshing!

But back to sunflowers!

I think this one grew on accident in the strawberry box. I don’t think I planted it there. Plus it doesn’t match the other ones that I really did plant. This is more the height and width I planned on. I think it migrated from the neighbor’s yard.

At my grandma’s funeral earlier this year, my little cousins handed out packets of flower seeds to plant in memory of my grandma. I assumed they were forget-me-nots (they weren’t labeled). I planted a bunch of them in our gargoyle thrones, threw my hands up to heaven, and said, “Okay, Grandma, it’s up to you!” I figured either A) nothing would grow because my grandma is stubborn or B) they would all go wild because my grandma is stubborn. I got mostly A. Just a few random flowers. They aren’t forget-me-nots. They are an assortment of (I think) wildflowers, and since they are weed-adjacent, I should be better at growing them.

When it comes to growing flowers, I just never know what I’m going to get! 

Things that are making me crazy

Daisy has started talking about herself in third person. 

“Daisy is hungry.” 

“Daisy loves kitties.” 

“Daisy is sleepy.”

Zoe and Eva picked up Michael Jackson’s trademark “Hee hee” and do it constantly. 

Sometimes they moonwalk.

Sometimes that’s how I know they’re awake in the morning.

Eva won’t stop pinching everyone.

Daisy does Goofy’s laugh after she says something “funny” (ie. dumb). 

“Ah-hyuck!”

Zoe and Eva ask me every day when they can have cell phones. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t have to have this conversation.

Zoe yells with every emotion. She is so loud! And she always makes repetitive sounds - either vocally or by tapping.

Eva asks for food all the time but won’t eat anything. 

“Can a friend come over?” 

“MOM!”

“Can we go to the Dollar Store?”

“How much money will you give me if I… eat at a tablespoon of salt?… hold this potato straight out of the oven for five seconds?… spritz pepper spray in my own eye?”

(The answer is NO MONEY. I will never give you money for your stupidity. Why, after all these years, are you still asking?)

“MOM!”

“What’s for lunch?”

(9:00 a.m.)

“What are we doing today?”

Messes on top of messes.

“When can I have a phone?”

“Can I play Roblox?”

“Do the griddy, Mom.”

“Can I look on Amazon?”

“I’m bored.”

“I’m bored.”

“I’m bored.”

“Ah-hyuck!”

“Can we go to McDonald’s?”

“Can I watch YouTube?”

“MOM!”

“Can I paint your nails?”

Neighbor kid comes over with a harmonica.

“I’m bored.”

“One, two, buckle my shoe…”

“That is so fire!”

“Will you buy me something?”

“What’s the next holiday? And what’s after that? And what’s after that?”

Fighting.

Fighting at the dinner table.

Fighting in the car.

Fighting while playing Nintendo.

Fighting at bedtime.

“I have a headache.”

(Every time someone is told to do a chore).

“I can’t find my shoes!”

“Hee hee!”

Sweat. Everywhere. Always.

Chafing. 

So much sweat.

Boob sweat.

Back sweat.

Calf sweat.

(Why, calves? Why???)

“Can I get a phone for my birthday?”

“I’m bored.”

“MOM!”

“Daisy wants ice cream.”

—————

Me right now:

God must have a sense of humor because I went for a walk this morning and had a complete emotional breakdown a mile away from my house, and then I looked down and saw this sticker on the ground. 

Things the Kids Say: Episode 25

 “I’m not right handed or left handed. I can use either hand. Like at school, I can raise my left hand.” 

-Zoe

——————

“I love birds. Except for evil ones. My favorite birds are eagles and parrots - slash - macaws.” 

-Eva

——————

“My friend has like 8 or 14 kids in his family. I bet his mom doesn’t have a belly button cuz of how much birth she does.” 

-Eva

———————

“I saw one of my friends from school at the 4th of July parade. He’s one of those tank top kind of boys.” 

-Eva

——————

“I think my spirit animal is a wolf because I like meat, I like to bark, and I think the moon is beautiful. Hey, that actually gives me a great idea for a novel! It’s about UFOs!” 

-Zoe

——————

“Mom, I see the beginning of (friend’s) crack all the time.” 

-Eva

—————-

“It’s okay if you read your book as long as you look up every three seconds to see me playing Zelda…. By the way, it’s been three seconds!” 

-Eva

The Weird Summer

This has been a weird summer. 

I knew it would be because our kids are getting older. This is our first summer with Nicky driving and working. Our kids are also involved in new things - Nicky is on seminary council (or whatever it's called now), Zoe is doing a theatre camp, and Nicky and Daisy have more camps than ever before. Daisy had her first week away from home without any family members (she didn't like it very much). Nicky is taking an online summer class, and he kind of has a girlfriend but won't admit it (she's just his "best friend" that he texts all day and night and holds hands with and sends gag inducing emojis to). Scotty and Nicky have been working at a concert venue for a school fundraiser (this week was Snoop Dogg), and Scotty has recently started his mid-life crisis. 

On top of all that, my teenagers have begun sleeping like teenagers. This is new. My kids have never really slept past 7:00 a.m. The first time Nicky “slept in” until 8:00 (back in June sometime), he woke up lost and confused. He said, “Mom, I slept past 8:00. Is that okay?” and I said, “Yes, it’s fine. You didn’t miss anything.” (I have to admit that I did poke my head in his room twice to make sure he was breathing). Then as the summer has gone on, he’s slept later and later. Last week he slept until 10:30, and today* he slept til almost 11:00. Daisy, meanwhile, has started regularly sleeping until 11:00. 

When I was finishing my degree a few years ago, I decided to take an adolescent development class, thinking it might come in handy someday. I tried to file away knowledge to come back to when I had teenagers (I could definitely use a refresher now that it’s here), and I recall learning about teenage sleep needs and habits. There has been a lot of buzz in recent years about school start times with some pushing for them to be moved back. This is because teens have a biological delay in their sleep-wake patterns usually beginning at the onset of puberty. It’s been found to happen across cultures and among various levels of technological accessibility. When those hormones set in, teens have a harder time going to sleep before 11:00 pm. One theory is that this is something that helps them prepare to become independent from their parents. In essence, they shift their sleep schedules so they are awake later than their parents and asleep when their parents wake up in order to have time away from them (although with the unhealthy sleep habits of most people I know, parents aren’t sleeping either). So as I learned these things in my adolescent development class, I cataloged the reminder to be patient with my teenagers’ sleeping needs. So fine. Stay up until 1:00 and sleep til 11:00. It’s part of your weird development.

Normally I’d be taking my kids out to do stuff early in the mornings, but that’s not happening so much now between the teens sleeping in and Zoe going to theatre at 8:45 everyday. Mornings are just Eva and me lately, and she’s not exactly happy with all my suggested plans.

The day I made her go on a morning bike ride with me

Since everyone has been doing this and that, we haven’t really done much as a family. I usually take the kids on lots of outings - hikes, lake days, park hops, etc - just to get out of the house. But this year, I only have one or two kids at a time to “entertain,” and we have small time increments because there’s usually someone I need to be back to pick up. I’m still overwhelmed by the need to bust boredom all day and night, but it’s coming in different forms now. 

So, like I said, it's been a weird summer. It’s not better or worse than other summers; it’s just different. I’m trying to get used to Nicky not being around as much. I’m also trying to enjoy some of the perks of having older kids. I actually really like the phase we’re in right now. Having an extra driver is amazing. Being stroller-free is fantastic. Everyone is tall enough to go on every ride at Disneyland… not that we’re going to Disneyland, but this is still a wonderful thing. 

*My posts are often written across the span of multiple days, so my “todays” and “yesterdays” are usually inaccurate by the time they are published. So if you’re observant enough to note that this was posted before 11:00 a.m. and yet I’ve claimed my son slept until 11:00 today, that’s because when I wrote “today,” it was actually yesterday. (This is one more reason you can’t believe everything you read on the internet!) Today Nicky woke up at 4:00 a.m. to go to the temple with friends, so he’s probably going to come home and need a nap later, which brings me to another new thing we’re experiencing in our family… Nicky has occasionally been napping. Prior to this summer, I think I could count on one hand the number of naps Nicky has taken since he stopped having regular naps as a toddler. This summer, he has taken a few naps, and when he wakes up, he’s completely delusional. He doesn’t know what day it is or where he is. He can’t figure out what going on, and he doesn’t comprehend that he has been asleep. It takes him a good two hours to be functional again. We tried to feed him dinner after one of his naps, and he couldn’t understand what was happening. He sat down at the table and stared off into space for a while, then he got up and wandered downstairs, and when we called his name, he wouldn’t respond. Is this even safe?