Busy and Sad

This has been a strange November. If I had to describe my state of existence this month, I would say that I am busy and sad. 

November is always busy for us, so that's just the norm. But I'm not usually sad in November. In fact, I usually have a big rush of weird energy that hits this time of year, and I function at a higher level. This year, I expected the rush of energy and was kind of planning on it, and that's probably partially why it didn't come and why I'm sad instead (I believe in jinxes). Don't worry about my sadness, though. It's not the kind of sadness other people need to be concerned about. Let me explain it a bit...

First, let's factor in fatigue. Like I said, I didn't get the hit of energy I was hoping for this month. aside from The Jinx, I think this is in part because Scotty went to Asia for two weeks in October and came back sick. So not only was I trying to recover from having my husband gone for a chunk of time - he came back with jet lag and decreased functioning and stayed that way for weeks. 

About every three years, Scotty experiences a bout of cluster headaches that last 3-4 weeks. His clusters started a few weeks before he left for Asia and have continued since getting home, so he's going on 7-8 weeks of debilitating headaches every day. On top of that, he developed stomach issues while traveling, which took a while to clear up. I was on the brink of forcing him to get tested for a parasite, and then it finally started tapering off. So it's been a bummer having him not feeling well, and that's had me a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual. 

Feeling tired makes me more likely to feel sad. But I'm also sad because there are some things I tried to do last week that didn't work out and left me feeling defeated. I sacrificed time and resources and was met with failure. Last Wednesday I had a series of things go wrong, and around mid-day, I decided to just be done and not try to do anything else. I went home, curled up in a blanket, and slept for two hours. It was the right choice. I needed the sleep, and I needed to slow down.

I've also had my feelings hurt a couple of times this week because I'm a delicate, little flower. Confession: my feelings get hurt easily. It’s embarrassing.

So I’m feeling a little down. But not all the time. Just a little more than average for me. So like I said, you don’t need to be concerned. I’m just acknowledging it as something I’m experiencing lately.

One other thing that’s been kind of sad this month is that my sister-in-law, Amber, and I used to text each other what we were thankful for every day in November. I haven’t experienced the necessary grief over the loss of Amber yet, but not being able to text her definitely stings a bit. Someday it’s going to hit full on, and I’m going to be mad about it because I know the when and where of it will be inconvenient and possibly embarrassing. When my brother died two years ago, my grief hit in the middle of a game of Risk at our friends’ house.

And now let’s talk about the “busy” part. Since I was planning on having Weird November Energy, I took on too much. It’s entirely my own fault. I believed in myself too greatly! 

For the past 4-5 years I’ve made and sold pumpkin rolls for Thanksgiving. Every year I debate whether I should do it again (it’s a huge undertaking), and so far I’ve kept it up because, I admit, I’m a sucker for flattery, and people say really nice things to me when they want a pumpkin roll! So I’ve spent a lot of time and energy on that (and I can’t even look at cream cheese frosting right now). I love doing it, but it’s exhausting. 

November is also when the high school performs their musical, and for the 5th year in a row, I have a participating child, and I’m helping with “this and that.” 

Sami and Daisy doing tree pose as trees

Scotty and I have transported some set pieces and costumes and helped build stuff. I coordinated a small fundraising venture with help from my employer and spent a few hours building items to sell (level of success yet to be determined). I’ve helped feed the theatre kids (108 of them) three times now, and my most recent meal was over ambitious. But, once again, the flattery got to me! All it takes is one kid to say, “Oh my gosh this was so delicious!” and I’ll forever be making 150 breakfast burritos, 12 batches of cheesy potatoes, 125 rice crispy treats, and 140 batches of no-bake cookies (with gluten-free and meatless accommodations) for something that could have just been a “snack.”

(One of the kids, when she saw the meal, said, “OMG, am I in Heaven?” and at that moment, I was completely validated and would have done it all again the very next day in a heartbeat. This was five minutes after turning to my friends and saying, “Okay, I went overboard. This was too much!”)

The first meal I helped with, we did nachos, applesauce, cupcakes, and Sunny D

The past few days have been a bit of a reality check for me as I’ve had to acknowledge that I have some very unhealthy mental patterns regarding letting people help me. I mean, I’ve always been aware of it, but now I’m, like, really aware of it. 

I’m messed up. 

If my friend was acting like me and refusing help, I would tell her things like, “I am happy to help you!” “I would love to work on this with you!” “You’re doing so great, and I enjoy being a part of your experience!” When I offer to help someone, it’s not because I think they can’t do it on their own or because I think they’re going to fail. But when someone wants to help me (or more so when I really do need the help), I feel like I did it wrong. Like I didn’t plan well enough. Like I’m having to be saved and like I took on too much and couldn’t handle it in the end.

I know better, but I can’t quite kick it.

There’s also this thing where we all tend to talk about how busy we are (Exhibit A), so I hear my friends talking about how much they have going on and how little time they have, and then they say, “Do you need help?” and in my mind I’m saying, “Yes, but you don’t have time!” 

In addition to Asia, pumpkin rolls, and theatre things, I had sick kids home from school, my work got slammed with orders (which I actually really love, but it put us behind for weeks, so I took on more hours), Zoe had a birthday (and requested a potato themed party), and I took my turn teaching Relief Society. I also spent several hours putting together Nicky’s Christmas package(s) because there were some things I wanted him to have by December 1st, and I started worrying about getting them there on time. You have to plan these things according to zone conferences and transfers. The package ended up arriving the day after zone conference which is one of the things that went wrong last week and made me sad. Now it’s just sitting at the mission home for who knows how long.

The day the package arrived in Puerto Rico, we got an email from the mission president (sent to all parents - not just us) asking us not to send excessive or elaborate Christmas packages and gifts to our missionaries. Being the delicate little flower that I am, I started to wonder, “What if it was my package that triggered this message? What if the mission president thinks I was sending excessive things?” Hopefully my Christmas package(s) aren’t excessive. There are two of them just because the stuff didn’t all fit in one flat rate shipping box. I’ve only sent the first one and have the second one almost ready to ship. I did an advent and sent one gift for every day in December for Nicky to open. It’s stuff like a bar of soap, a pack of gum, instant potatoes, a pack of paper plates, and deodorant. Nothing fancy or expensive. But that email made me self-conscious and left me worried that a box of macaroni and cheese might be extravagant. But then I got sensible and reminded myself that, to those receiving and caring for the package between now and the next zone conference, it’s just a white postage box. They don’t know what’s in it, and they don’t even know that it’s for Christmas! 

Now I’m trying to think of what to do for Nicky’s birthday (December 27th) because I need to get that sent out too! 

So I’ve been a bit busy and sad this November, but I’ve also been challenged in good ways, blessed with opportunities to serve others, and able to put my talents to work. 

And there are still two weeks left in this wild month!