Lately I've been working on my testimony. Over the past few years, I've found myself in a spiritual slump (especially for the past year), and I feel like I've been hanging on to my faith by a thread. I don't like to talk about it, so I'm not going to dive to deeply into the specifics here. I haven't really opened up to anyone about it - just a few casual and vague mentions to my husband and closest friends. But even to them I haven't confided the depth of the spiritual numbness I've been feeling and the loss of belief I've experienced.
Throughout my life, and especially lately, I've had a lot of "Heavenly Father, are you really there?" moments. I've realized something about myself, and that is, whenever I start to feel like God isn't real, my first inclination is to ask Heavenly Father - and whilst possibly no longer believing in Him, I expect Him to answer... which means I believe in Him.
I am definitely a confused little Daughter.
There are a few recurring thoughts I have that have helped buoy me up during times of spiritual challenges.
One of them is: what to I want to be true? Turns out, I want there to be a God. If there isn't a God (and I can also say the same of a Savior), I don't know what the point is of anything.
Another is: what is my life like when I'm living the gospel (and believing) compared to when I'm not? I can't deny that my life is better when I am living the principles taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.* Once I acknowledge that fact, I then ask myself, "What if it's all fake? What if it's all a creation of my own mind?" I don't want to be deceived! I don't want to invest my agency in something that might be counterfeit. I don't want to claim and act on personal revelation if it's a delusion of my own powerful mind. Yet, I've had experiences that have made me realize that even if it's not real, some of the things I've felt as a believer are things I want to feel always. And if those feelings are counterfeit, maybe I don't care because I've felt a sacred happiness and an absence of fear as a result of believing in God, and if I can have that feeling with me all the time, I don't care if it's counterfeit.
Which leads me to another thought I often have... if I spend my mortality believing in God, and there isn't a God, I never have to know I was wrong. Because if there isn't a God, dead is dead. I'll pass away someday, cease to exist, and never know God wasn't real. But if there is a God, and I spend my mortality as if there isn't, I'll have to find out someday that I was wrong. Because if there is a God, dead is not dead. If there is a God, there is going to be something after this life. So in both scenarios, it's of benefit to assume there is a God.
Now, back to the idea of personal revelation. Like I said, I don't want to experience something counterfeit. When we speak of personal revelation in my church, we are speaking of guidance and direction that comes from our Heavenly Father through the holy spirit. It can come through many different channels - through written or spoken word, through music, through thoughts and feelings, and other unique and individualized ways. Personal revelation can help us understand gospel teachings or make decisions in our everyday lives. It can land us in the right place at the right time to experience something that is too orchestrated to be merely coincidence. Personal revelation can provide us with a personalized curriculum for what we need to learn at certain times in our lives. It can even be completely unnoticed until later when hindsight reveals we were actually being led to a certain path for a reason.
I love personal revelation. And while I worry over what might really come from God and what might be the creation of my own mind, I find that I always thrive when I feel like I'm being guided. I always apply the litmus test of Moroni 7:16 - "Everything which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ... is of God." When things fall into place, and hindsight allows me to see how I have been led and guided, I always feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. And I always want to tell everyone! Guess what, guys! I had personal revelation! And I followed it! And the outcome was so amazing, I can't wait for it to happen again!
Through personal revelation, I was recently led to some answers that I needed. I won't give you the unabridged version because this post is already getting long, but some things I needed to be reminded of recently are:
1. People can leave the church and come back. It does happen. I needed to see some examples of this.
2. We don't get to have firm answers and explanations for everything. If we had that, we wouldn't need to have faith, and faith is kind of the point.
3. I need to read the Book of Mormon everyday. I've been studying some of the promises we have been given for reading the Book of Mormon. Some of the ones that are of particular interest and importance to me are:**
- The Book of Mormon will illuminate the teachings of the master and expose the tactics of the adversary
I am feeling a very heavy increase of false information being put out in the world, particularly through social media and with the growing prominence of AI. As I stated earlier in this post, I do not want to be deceived! I feel like it's growing ever more important to have the spirit of discernment.
- The Book of Mormon will heal, comfort, restore, succor, strengthen, console, and cheer our souls.
I'll take it! I'll take it all!
-The Book of Mormon will help you make better decisions everyday.
Okay. I'm in.
- The Book of Mormon will help you receive answers to your questions and direction for your life.
Good. Because I have questions.
- The Book of Mormon can immunize you against the evils of the world, including addiction.
- The Book of Mormon can put you in a position to hear the voice of the Spirit, resist temptation, overcome doubt and fear, and receive heaven's help in your life.
There are a lot more, but these are some of the highlights.
I confess, as my faith has been challenged, I've forgotten about the Book of Mormon. I didn't forget that it exists, but I forgot about the promises. I haven't been reading it (or hadn't. My focus for August has been to read it everyday). In fact, I would venture to say that I developed a blind spot for it (definitely one of those tactics of the adversary mentioned above). I also haven't been praying regularly. For about two years, I've really struggled with prayer. It's almost like I lost the ability. Like my brain can't do it. I'm trying to get back into the habit, but it's like trying to run and having my legs collapse under me every time. I have legs, and I know what they're supposed to do, but when I try to use them, they don't work. And it doesn't make sense because legs should just work. It should be easy. I should be able to pray. It shouldn't be that hard!
So I'm working on it. I'm working on a little bit of everything. And I'm seeing some growth, so I'm really happy about that. I know that some of it is from Nicky serving a mission. I've felt a rapid increase in my progress since Nicky left. I have felt the Spirit with more frequency, and I feel a bit of my old self coming back. Honestly, I feel more like myself when I am doing well spiritually. Here's to moving forward! I'm hoping for great things.
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*The values and principles taught by my church are similar to those taught by many churches, so any mention of my church is not to imply that my church is "better than" or "more righteous than" other churches. I mention my church because my exploration of the existence of God brings into question the validity of my church (or any "organized" religion) since it's the channel by which I learn about heavenly matters. To question the existence of God, I also have to question the means by which I get to know Him, and I have always done that with my church as my guide.
**Sources:
The Book of Mormon: What Would Your Life be Like Without It?
1 comment:
This is beautifully written! I always appreciate your willingness to open up about your thoughts and feelings, especially because so often I can relate to what you are experiencing. You have a good heart and like was stated in Sister Harwood's talk, that is what Heavenly Father needs from us. "A good heart and a willing mind" Thanks for being who you are and allowing those around you to learn from your example and experiences. You are loved more than you will ever know!
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