Things I Must Confess

I once ran over a lady with my shopping cart at Costco. She was talking on her cell phone, and I was pushing a giant composter that I couldn't see over.

Every time I get in the car with Zoe, I give her a Tic Tac and tell her it's medicine that makes her not throw up (she has a thing for faking car sickness. My placebo helps me know when it's legit).

I like McDonald's chicken nuggets and could easily eat a twenty-piece by myself if I didn't have to share with my kids (sweet and sour sauce is a must even though it tastes nothing like actual sweet and sour sauce).

I have completely given up on my New Years resolution to not drink soda in 2016. Every time I go to my mom's house, I get a cold soda out of her fridge and then I tell her, "I have to drink this because I'm quitting tomorrow."

I've used the same kabuki make-up brush for over 8 years (and I've never washed it). Every day, I think, "Wow! I am rubbing 8 years worth of... Something... On my face right now." But then I remember that a new brush is $30, and I get over it real quick.

I like to stick rose petals up my nose and then shoot them out like confetti (don't knock it til you try it!)

Sometimes I'm grateful for Zoe's speech issues because she says really awful, embarrassing things, and I can make it sound like she said something else. Like today, when she said "You're fat" to my friend, I totally played it off like she said "You bad!" which is what it sounded like anyway, and then I started play fighting with her and saying, " No, YOU bad!" and when she said, "No, YOU fat!" it sounded like she said, "No, YOU bad!" and then I started singing, "I'm Bad" by Michael Jackson, and all was well.