Teens and Things

September Writing Challenge - Prompt #24:

Communication

When I was in college, I took a lifespan development class and an adolescent development class. It makes me mad that I don't have perfect recall (my superhero trait of choice), and that I can't remember and summon every detail of everything I've learned. Now that I have teenagers in my house, I really wish I could remember more of what I learned in adolescent development. I have a lot of the materials still and could definitely go back and review, but I’m too busy squeezing lemons and chasing crickets through my house.

I recently got the e-book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour, Ph.D. from the library. 

I found it to be a great review of adolescent development and a great reminder of what is going on in the minds and emotions of teenagers. I highly recommend this book to anyone currently raising teens or pre-teens (your ten and eleven-year-olds are already starting the hormone changes for puberty, so giddy up!)

But if you don't want to read it, here's a short cut for you. I'll share some of the things that I highlighted, most of which has to do with communication and emotions. 

Be curious and trusting with your teens

“When we show that we are curious about our adolescents’ feelings – especially around the topics they bring up – we invite them to treat their emotions as informative and trustworthy. Teenagers almost always rise to meet us when we treat them as the deeply insightful souls that they are” (page 9).

Emotions are a normal part of the human experience and are rarely harmful. The goal of a parent should be to teach children emotion regulation - not to keep them from experiencing emotions. 

“Remaining calm when teenagers become undone communicates the critical point that we are not frightened by their acute discomfort, and so they don’t need to be frightened by it either… Further, reminding ourselves that going through difficult experiences almost always helps our teens grow can make it easier for us to bear their distress. Finally, we should remember that, while emotions are sometimes painful, they are rarely harmful” (page 20).

There is a purpose for our teens unloading their hurt on us: they are externalizing, and it's healthy!

“Unloading painful feelings onto their parents is one of the many ways that teens manage their intense emotions. When they do this, our worries can really get going. But teens are usually sturdier than they seem” (page 26).

“If there’s one defense that teenagers specialize in, it’s what psychologists refer to as externalization. This defense is managing an unpleasant emotion by getting someone else (often a loving parent) to feel it instead… Think of externalization as handing off emotional trash. A teenager who no longer wants to carry around an unwanted feeling sometimes finds a way to dump it on a caring, but perhaps unsuspecting, adult… So, is externalization a healthy defense? Yes insofar as it buffers an adolescent’s distress without warping reality. When teens use externalization as a defense, they don’t deny the problem at hand or blame it on anyone else. They simply communicate about it in a way that leaves their parents feeling lousy. This may work well enough for the teenager, but there’s no question that it’s really not much fun to be the adult on the receiving end….” ( page 29-30).

“Externalizing a problem often helps a teen solve it” (page 30).

This is something I experience a lot with Daisy. It's a relief to recognize it in her and realize I don't have to carry those heavy emotions for her.  

It's okay to talk to your teens about suicide.

“Research shows that asking nonsuicidal teens about suicide does not leave them feeling worse, but for teens who are feeling suicidal, it relieves distress” (page 33).

She's moody because she knows she's safe. 

“Though your daughter’s stormy moods might unsettle your otherwise peaceful household, take comfort in the knowledge that she feels safe expressing her annoyance at home” (page 53).

“Adolescents can signal indifference to our advice and still take in what we’ve said. As the mother of two teenagers, I find that it works best for all involved if I receive their shrugs or eye rolls as a nonverbal way of saying ‘I heard you!’” (page 63).

Attention menfolk...

“Adult men need to make a point of asking boys about what’s going on inside and engaging in meaningful conversations about emotions. Instead of offering solutions to boys’ problems, they should treat the act of sharing painful experiences with a trustworthy person as a solution unto itself. Which it is. By normalizing the act of talking about feelings, men help boys view themselves as nuanced and multifaceted and send the message that discussing emotions is just part of what boys and men should do” (page 58).

Learn how to disagree productively.

“Research shows that learning to have healthy disagreements at home contributes to a teenager’s overall well-being and improves how they manage their relationships with others” (page 89).

One thing I do remember from my schooling is that successful marriages aren't about communication so much as how you handle repair attempts and recover from a fight or disagreement.  

When we worry about peer pressure and other alarming situations:

“Teens, by their nature, can sometimes find themselves in unexpectedly dangerous situations. Our teenagers are aware of this, and we’re more likely to keep the lines of communication open if we make it clear that we are aware of it too. ‘My hope is that you won’t drink,’ you might say, ‘but I am realistic about the fact that mistakes get made. Nothing matters more to me than your safety. The easiest way to stay safe is to stay sober. But if that doesn’t happen, I’m your safety plan… If you’re in a dicey situation, the last thing I want you to worry about is whether you could get caught. The main thing I want you to worry about is whether you could get hurt.’ From there, be clear that you will never, under any conditions, make your teen regret asking for your help” (page 93).

I remember when I was a young child, my step-sister came to my step-mom and told her that she had tried smoking. I thought, "Why would you ever confess that to a parent?" and then I observed as my step-mom had a long chat with my sister behind closed doors, and everyone came out later happy and mended. It was the most bizarre thing I'd ever witnessed in my life, but I knew right then that I wished for my future kids to have that much trust in me. 

 

Factors that help teens prepare for healthy romantic relationships:

“The healthiest relationships are the ones that layer amorous intimacy over genuine friendship” (page 100).

“As one insightful study found, it’s what’s happening in teens’ nonromantic relationships, not their adolescent dating experiences, that lays the groundwork for a happy adult romantic life” (page 105).

Putting feelings into words:

“Putting feelings into words brings emotional relief… we can only gain insight, and thus relief, when we move emotions from the realm of abstract experience to the realm of language and thought” (page 114).

“When we are actually faced with teens telling us just how very uneasy they are, we need to remember that their descriptions of their emotional pain - which may be vivid and dire-sounding – don’t add to their emotional distress but usually reduce it. It’s critical to remember that by the time teens are telling us that they feel anxious or angry or sad or any emotion that they choose to put into words, they’re already using an effective strategy for helping themselves cope with it” (page 116).

I've always joked that I find it healing to complain to the point of embarrassment because afterward, I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back to work. Turns out I'm just living science. 

They aren't usually looking for advice or solutions. They just need to get the feelings out. 

“Simply talking about feelings reduces their intensity, so let your teenager talk… see what happens if you just listen” (page 117).

“If you get little or nothing back, don’t despair. Teens, in my experience, do want to share what’s on their mind with their parents. But they usually want to engage on their terms, not ours” (page 127).

This is something I've learned over and over from so many sources. Teens (and people in general) just want to be heard. They're not looking for advice or solutions. If they want that, they'll ask. If they don't ask, just listen. If you struggle to listen, you can always ask, "Do you need any advice, or do you just want to talk?" Easier said than done! Especially when you know everything like I do (wink, wink). 

I haven't had a lot of time to implement what I learned from this book, but I have something to look forward to now! I can't wait for the next time my kids get emotional, and I'm a deer in the headlights trying to recall the book things.